My partner is emotionally abusive, how do I leave.

[sadhappylife]

I am writing this as I need help. Since we had our DD who is 2, mine and my partners relationship hasn’t been the same, which I had read was normal after having a baby. Things have gradually got worse though. It’s sad because I didn’t envision this when planning for a baby but who does. I also had post natal depression which came as a shock because I was the happiest I had ever been during my pregnancy so I probably was hard work at the time and not the girlfriend he was used to. I’ve noticed he does something called ‘stonewalling’. When we have an argument he refuses to communicate or sort it out, and in the end it’s always me who apologises even if it’s not my fault (which it hardly ever is) If I try to tell him how I feel, he is very quick to dismiss me and won’t talk about how I feel. I’ve got onto the fact that he seems to emotionally abuse me. I feel like on the outside I can put on a good front but if I’m honest it’s very hard trying to be a mum and feel broken-hearted everyday by how he treats me. I spend most of my days lately feeling awful, I’m actually crying writing this while my DD plays quietly with her toys. He works from home at the moment and he came downstairs before and said a few disgusting things to me. The first one was how easily he can replace me. Then I said look you can go you know, I don’t have a fight in me anymore with you. He said I’m not going anywhere, you will have to go. But The problem is, I have nowhere to go! I wouldn’t know where to start. Then a few minutes passed and he said wait, I might go. There’s nothing for me here is there. What’s keeping me here? I’m not even attracted to you. I completely ignored him. He muttered it again when he walked into the kitchen. The thing is he says stuff like that all the time.. then 20 minutes later acts like he never said anything and that everything is fine. If I seen someone post this I would definitely say get out! Leave! But for some reason when it’s yourself it’s easier said than done. I am really struggling and I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

Who owns the home? Could you live with family? Anything is better than staying with him.

Hi thanks for replying Aqua. The house is his unfortunately. There is no room for me at my families house. Me and baby would have to sleep downstairs and I stayed a few nights there while the house was getting decorated..it was hell😂

I know that makes me sound really ungrateful but it was very cramped and my DD was 10 months at the time so it was easier confining her to one space than it would be now.

Do you work op? .. are you married ? Do you have savings for a deposit?

I was going to ask starlight's question. Sorry you are going through this. Please try to get out. No-one should have to put up with emotional abuse.

If you need a reason to leave it is this: continuing to grow up in this environment will be damaging to your DD. Your MH will likely also significantly improve once you have left. Staying with family while you get on your feet really is in both your best interests.

I don’t work anymore Starlight, I did but left after my maternity leave ended with plans to go back to work the year before DD started school nursery. I felt bad putting her in a nursery when she was so young, and we could afford to live off my DP’s wage so it made sense. We are not married no. Another comment he always makes about never marrying me. I can’t believe I’ve been so thick. I have approx 5 grand savings, not much else.

I’m definitely going to try and get out halfhope. It’s a really crap situation. I didn’t think I’d be living this nightmare at the age of 30!

Sliding- Thats what I keep telling myself. She probably gets onto things more than I think as well. I just want to feel relief when I leave but I’m sure he won’t let that happen

First of all tell him nothing of your plans

Then search for a rented home for you and DD
Get passports birth certificate etc to a safe place- maybe your mums and some basic clothing for both of you
Contact womens aid for help too.

Then when everything is prepped and ready you take your daughter and leave. No discussion beforehand.

Once you’ve done that claim universal credit. Send him a signed for letter in regards to contact arrangements and maintenance. If maintenance isn’t forthcoming claim via CMS.

Utilise free groups on Facebook for furniture. Sure it might not be great but it’s a start.

You got this

The fact that you have savings (in your own name?) is a big advantage. It really will be so much better that your DD is in nursery, with you working, than staying. Can you look to return to your previous job/industry? That would be my starting point either whilst you are living with family or using your savings for rent.

You have options OP.

Christmas - I won’t! I was planning on packing and leaving when he got in the shower before, I was so angry and sad writing that. I still am but I’ve had an hour to think logically. I’ve been looking at rented homes but I think I’ll most likely need a guarantor so I’ll have to get that sorted. He actually said to me a few days ago if I ever used DD against him he would kill me. He’s probably planning to evict me then haha. Surprisingly half the furniture in here I have bought! But I would get different furniture anyway and let him keep this! Thank you for your advice

Sliding- Yes, all in my own name thank god. I can return yes, I have qualifications in a few other things so getting a job shouldn’t be hard, it probably won’t be as well paid as my original job but it will do for now definitely. I have looked into renting a house for now but I would need a guarantor which is possible but I think everyone is going to get a shock when they find out

I'd see if you can even get an emergency AirB&B and leave.

He said before he was joking, I know he wasn’t as saying you are not attracted to someone so I’m not that stupid! Told me he wanted me to apologise which is quite standard even though I haven’t done anything. I said no, why can’t you? You’ve said some hurtful comments. He said he hasn’t and I should apologise..for what! This is mind games! I’ve just tried to speak to him then he glared at me and said shhhhh. I hate my life.

You've got a couple of really good things going for you.

You have money to set up home on your own, pay the deposit and settle in.
Your child is only 2 - they are very adaptable at this age and will soon settle into nursery
You are 30 - thats young enough to pick up your career again in a year or two.

Make the abbsolute most of those things as they really are to your advantage. A lot of women in your position don't have one of those things, never mind three.

Start making plans to leave. Start by seeing what accommodation is available in your area and making enquiries about it. Never mind trying to reason with him, or beg him to treat you nicely, it won't work.

You know you sound lovely. Far too lovely to live with someone who can't see you for you. You are in a good position to move out. There are many on here with great advice on the moving safely etc sadly it's not me. I just wanted to say that it's not often that someone's loveliness comes over so clearly.

Life is long when you are a lovely person having to live with a nasty person and it never gets better. Not really. You might have a few moments but overall it will always be like this. I hope you get out, give yourself some time and then find someone else as lovely as you.

whichway is wise, i totally agree,
bless you and your daughter. x

I left when my DD was 1. I've been a single mum since and she is almost 12 now

There is not a single day I regret my decision.

Sort out your plan and go. You'll be happier

You can do this. You can. How much is a one or two bed apartment where you live? Base yourself near family. Do you know how much he earns? Do a CMS check. Are you sleeping in a separate bedroom where you are now?

@jeaux90 did you have to share custody?

I left when DC was one. Was amazing. Can you pay 6 months rent upfront with your savings? A studio or small one bed. This gives you time to sort universal credit/maintenance/work/nursery.

Stephen- I have been looking at nurseries for DD and rented properties for us. Nursery will probably do her good (I am telling myself that) as she hasn’t had much socialising with other toddlers for the last year and is probably bored of seeing my face everyday. I will, I think when I wrote this thread I didn’t even think of any positives of my situation but everyone’s made me see clearly. Thank you very much!

Which way - wow thank you! That is a lovely thing to say and made me smile this morning! I do try to be a nice person which makes it worse for me as why he can treat me so bad. I don’t do anything to him for him to have such hatred against me. I really appreciate that honestly

Whybot- Thank you! You are all so nice. To think I was worried about posting this as well

Jeaux90 - thank you! I’m glad your happier, it gives me hope it really does and I’m happy it all worked out for you. That’s what I was going to ask Bombastical, how much custody will he get? He does have a great relationship with DD and their bond is great but she is definitely a mummys girl

Happyhedgehog - Another one that it’s worked out for! I’m happy it worked out for you. Yes I have enough savings to pay rent in advance, I will offer the landlord and hopefully he/she accepts. Thank you!

@bombastical

No custody. He hasn't seen her since she was 2. He made a vague effort at first but then moved to the other side of the world and not a peep really since.

She has contact with his family her DGP and Aunt but that's it.

OP I gave him every chance to have a relationship with her, but it was really up to him and he chose not to.

Get her into nursery, get your life back and the relationship he has with her is really up to him.

Our lives are not to be sacrificed at the relationship alter, they are ours to live.

Things will not get better until you leave OP. Realistically, he is incredibly unlikely to change his feelings or behaviour towards you. Do your family know what he has said/ done? Confide in people. They will be your strength and they should be able to help you get out of there and sort the practicalities. 5 grand savings is enough to get you set up until your first Universal Credit payment comes through. You can also ask for an advance payment. If you stay, he will suck the life and happiness out of you, possibly worse. These types of men are often damaged beyond repair due to their own life experiences, personality disorders or dreadful self esteem. You will not fix him and he is responsible for his own appalling behaviour. You deserve better and so does your child. If you feel in danger, seek help. I know it can feel like you have no emotional energy left when your children are young, but you need to muster some up to get out of there. Only then will it get easier. Just this hurdle to get through. You can do it. Start contacting estate agents about properties today. Focus your energy on the practicalities