My partner is emotionally abusive, how do I leave.

[sadhappylife]

I am writing this as I need help. Since we had our DD who is 2, mine and my partners relationship hasn’t been the same, which I had read was normal after having a baby. Things have gradually got worse though. It’s sad because I didn’t envision this when planning for a baby but who does. I also had post natal depression which came as a shock because I was the happiest I had ever been during my pregnancy so I probably was hard work at the time and not the girlfriend he was used to. I’ve noticed he does something called ‘stonewalling’. When we have an argument he refuses to communicate or sort it out, and in the end it’s always me who apologises even if it’s not my fault (which it hardly ever is) If I try to tell him how I feel, he is very quick to dismiss me and won’t talk about how I feel. I’ve got onto the fact that he seems to emotionally abuse me. I feel like on the outside I can put on a good front but if I’m honest it’s very hard trying to be a mum and feel broken-hearted everyday by how he treats me. I spend most of my days lately feeling awful, I’m actually crying writing this while my DD plays quietly with her toys. He works from home at the moment and he came downstairs before and said a few disgusting things to me. The first one was how easily he can replace me. Then I said look you can go you know, I don’t have a fight in me anymore with you. He said I’m not going anywhere, you will have to go. But The problem is, I have nowhere to go! I wouldn’t know where to start. Then a few minutes passed and he said wait, I might go. There’s nothing for me here is there. What’s keeping me here? I’m not even attracted to you. I completely ignored him. He muttered it again when he walked into the kitchen. The thing is he says stuff like that all the time.. then 20 minutes later acts like he never said anything and that everything is fine. If I seen someone post this I would definitely say get out! Leave! But for some reason when it’s yourself it’s easier said than done. I am really struggling and I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

I am in a similar situation to you - 31, marriage has deteriorated since DS was born, I gave up my job to become a SAHM. Husband is very emotionally abusive and I am desperate to leave but family don't have space etc so I am working on the logistics. He is working from home at the moment too and when DS naps I do what I can to get things moving (eg, have been filling out a housing application form which is super lengthy and is taking forever but I do a bit whenever DS sleeps). I worry about the custody aspect also, as he's so convincing to everyone else that he's a doting dad. I hope you're okay and manage to escape, you deserve so much better.

You can do it, I did it when dc was 6 months, felt I was in an impossible situation, best thing I ever did. Over a decade later my life is unrecognisable to what it was. I won't lie it was tough, I would describe it as putting my life on hold for 2-3 years. However even though it was hard it was easier than being with him. ( I would recommend not dating for years, get yourself sorted first)

You sound lovely and you deserve so much better than this.

Don't even think about leaving your furniture behind when you go. You paid for that and it's yours. Even if you don't want it in your new place, you could sell it. You need every penny you can get and you can't afford to go giving him furniture when he's behaved like that.

Morning, I’ll reply to you all individually soon. I have a little update not much, but just shows you the type of person he is. From the moment we woke up I could tell he was in a bad mood. I hate days like this it sets me up to be worried all day because what he’s going to say/do. He was acting childish saying childish things so I just sort of sighed to which he said ‘wow, remember when you were funny. What happened to us? I know what’s going to happen next though and it’s not good’ it brings out at an anxiety in me that I never knew I had. Then he started talking about his ex saying he’d have a better time with her than me. Sometimes I cringe typing this stuff because he sounds about 10!! I think there is some underlying issue. He’s a very weird person even with his own family, all his social media is connected to the Ipad and he makes me reply to his family and they send him texts / WhatsApp’s and he ignores them all and makes me reply as he ‘can’t be bothered’ speaking to them. He never calls them or bothers with them. Is it possible he could have bipolar?

10 minutes later he starts saying he can’t wait for us to go on holiday when we are allowed to with covid and stuff. I’m baffled. What’s he doing to me and why?

Whatever the reasons as to why he acts like this, its not your fault and you cannot fix him. Such men hate women, all of them. He does this also because he can.

Focus on the practicalities of getting out of his house asap with your child. The longer you remain there, the harder it will feel to actually make your escape.

Nows your chance! Tell him you agree this isn't working and you need to separate. This way he thinks it's his decision so you shouldn't feel guilty

Call his bluff tell him to go if he isn't happy

@sadhappylife - it’s part of the abuse. He’s throwing you some crumbs because even abusers realise that if you’re horrible to someone 100% of the time, they will leave. This also demonstrates that he’s quite capable of behaving well but he chooses not to.

You might find it helpful to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

But don’t get hung up on the whys. Why he behaves the way he does is not your problem. Your problem is how he behaves. Which is horribly abusive (emotionally and psychologically violent) both to you and your DD who will also be suffering from being raised in a house where this is going on.

But best not to waste energy challenging him. Just go grey rock and make the plans you need to make to get away. And don’t tell him until after you get to safety.

My DH and I have been together 20+ years. We’ve had some fierce rows in our time but he has never said anything like what your partner is saying to you and he has never made any comment about killing you. What you’re describing is not at all normal and not at all acceptable.

Hey, I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. How does he react if you firmly tell him not to speak to you like that? Do you tell him that you will leave him if he speaks to you like that again?

I understand how you feel about getting anxiety when treated badly. It can ruin the whole day. I’m trying to control mine, because my DH can have awful moods too.

I hope you figure out a plan to leave him. Once he knows it’s real, he might cry, apologise & say that he will change.
It might be an idea to tell him you are leaving him now, so that if he convinces you to stay you can be 100% certain when he treats you badly again! x

OP I have bipolar & mood patterns are a feature of bipolar (either depressive low mood or hypo / agitated mood)

What’s not a feature of bipolar is the nastiness, stinging comments & silent treatment etc. that’s abuse not bipolar.

Also you say the mood changes can shift drastically & that kind of sudden mood shift is also not a feature of bipolar.

Stop trying to understand him / looking for reasons. Accept you will never understand him, you will then be able to move on

A free pdf version of the book mentioned up thread...
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

The author worked with abusive men over many years before writing it. Short version- abuse isn't caused by trauma, substance abuse or mental health though abusers may also have those issues. Abuse happens because they fundamentally believe that they have a right to control and dominate you.

They use these tactics to maintain control over you because it works for them - they benefit directly from having a household slave to meet their needs. As their view of women is essentially that we have no value, they do not feel guilty about treating us badly. They feel entitled to have you run around after them and the behaviour is just a tactic. They carry no more guilt than you'd feel bad about putting down rat poison to kill rats.

Good luck, please don't even think about staying. Get a job, your own space and get your life back!

The first one was how easily he can replace me

Fuckinghell. What a thing to say to someone. You know why he can go back to behaving like nothing had happened? It's because this behaviour is sort of normal for him. It's kind of 'life' where you talk shit and there's no consequences. Not all abuse is calculated and energetic - for some, being unpleasant is just sort of....casual. Some of them can be pretty casual about it because they just lack empathy for others - not a good thing at all.

I think will impact your physical health eventually. It really can happen to anyone. Please focus on getting put so you can fill a new home with positive, peaceful, loving energy.