Feeling like a horrible person.. am I a terrible girlfriend?

[mynameiswah]

On valentines weekend my DP came over and made a fuss with a present, a joke present, and a card. He also fixed my door without me asking which was really sweet of him. He also got me some stuff to help with my migraines because I've had bad migraines on and off for several days now - I think I'd had it for about six days at that point.

All sounds lovely right? But the downside is that he... stank. He had BO and bad breath and I tried hard to ignore it but I couldn't. This is actually recurring issue with him and I've told him in the past that he needs to be more aware of these things (hygiene). He does have health issues and I know it's a lot for him to keep up with. I told him the next day that he should go to a doc to sort out his breath, and I sniffed his shirt which reeked. He'd had a shower before he came over but then he put on an unwashed shirt that stank of BO! Why wouldn't you put on a clean shirt after you've had a shower? I was already stressed, tired and exhausted from a bad migraine week and the bad smells just put me in a bad mood.

Was I really horrible to say it then, after everything he did? I've really hurt his feelings and offended him and now he's not talking to me. I've apologised to him but he says I have a razorblade tongue, something I'm trying to work on. I feel rotten. :(

What words did you actually use? Sometimes the message can be right but the delivery is all wrong.
I tell my dh (gently) when his breath smells too but I’ll usually say something like “ooh, have you had garlic today”? He tells me when my breath smells like coffee (which he doesn’t like the smell of) and I don’t mind him saying it. I think I’d tell him if he had B.O. too but luckily he’s very hygienic!

I guess I'm just looking for some perspective here.

You need to see a doctor about your migraines. He needs to see one about his smell issues.

The fact that he’s so upset and felt your delivery was harsh suggests it could have been gentler and that it’s probably not the first time he’s felt you were overly critical or mean.

Did you get him something nice for Valentine’s?

Name change fail Op ?

You're doing him a favour by telling him he shouldn't wear old, unwashed clothes after a shower, I'd rather my DH told me that than everyone I meet just thinking I stink in their heads

@BeautifulStar I can't remember but I can be quite blunt, I know. I asked if he could brush his teeth because of morning breath. Then he asked me if his breath smelled last night and I said yes. But I didn't want to say anything the night before because I didn't want to ruin the mood of the evening, especially after everything he'd done for me.

Thing is, even after he brushes his teeth he still has bad breath so i told him he needs to go to the doc about it.

@FossilisedFanny

Name change fail Op ?

Damn! Oh well.

If this is something that you both think needs a doctor to sort out then it isn’t simply laziness or not brushing his teeth, so I think it’s understandable that he’s upset you were rude to him about it. It would be a bit like him saying he was fed up of you being lazy and pathetic, when your tiredness is caused by your migraines. Reiterate that you were tired and in pain and didn’t mean to blurt it out the way you did but that it was unpleasant and he needs to commit to getting it properly sorted.

The fact that he’s so upset and felt your delivery was harsh suggests it could have been gentler and that it’s probably not the first time he’s felt you were overly critical or mean

Yes, I think this is true. But why does this situation persist?! It's so frustrating. Is it just a man thing?

I did make him a handmade card. But because I felt so sick all week I didn't do much else, and I told him so. Normally he forgets Valentines/birthdays etc so I didn't expect him to do so much to be honest.

Just because he bought you a Valentine's Day card and fixed something in the house, doesn't mean that he has some sort of immunity from criticism. He's an adult who has no excuse for being minging. If he is capable of going to the shop to buy a card he is capable of buying washing powder and washing his clothes.

Is it just a man thing?

Being so unconcerned about personal hygiene? No most definitely not

It's good that you are able to say things and it's very important for you to be able to express your needs and feelings.
However i agree that something has come wrong during delivery here. So it's good that you have reached out.
It's hard to know what to suggest in this particular case, but there are ways of depersonalising things and also of acknowledging both the good and the bad. And also validating the effort he has put in at the same time. Then it's something he wants to do rather then an attack in his mind. So what you say is informational rather than telling him what to do. There's also an element of opening up the discussion, to give him the space to reply, to share his feeling about the situation (which he has but again, not in a great way, and left you feeling terrible, so this advice also applies to him)
The aim is too have everyone leaving the conversation without feeling attacked but wanting to do better and understanding reach other better.
Perhaps try to focus on how you feel rather than on what he did, so something like "i felt very touched that you put all that effort in, thank you. What would make me feel even more relaxed is if your shirt was fresh"
Hope that helps in some way, good luck.

He could have a bad tooth - my DH’s breath smelt like a rat had crawled into his mouth and died when he had a decayed molar - turned out it was cracked right down the middle and food was getting stuck in it (boak). I had to hold my breath for about a month whenever he came near me. Telling to get his teeth checked out.

If he’s expecting to come within a couple of metres of you, then it’s not unreasonable to tell him that he smells.

I don’t think I would have been able to hold off till the next day to mention it.

I don’t know if you were cruel/harsh/mean etc, but putting dirty clothes on is horrible. Bad breath is rarely a teeth cleaning thing, more likely a health thing, so you are right to suggest the GP.

This is not a "man thing." I would seriously be rethinking this relationship. If he's like this now, as an adult, he is highly unlikely to change, proven by the fact he hasn't rectified the situation even though you've spoken to him about it many times. This is really grim, op. I'd be running for the hills.

He's the one who should feel horrible for showing up like that.

You haven't said how long you've been with him but has he always been like this? Wearing dirty clothes, poor hygiene, etc.? What is his house like?

Someone who refuses to keep themselves and their belongings clean doesn't deserve a girlfriend.

Well I've apologised for being so harsh, I'll have to leave it up to him now.

Have you been to his house?

Is it grubby? Messy?

When I have a migraine my sense of smell is especially acute so if you’re the same I can imagine his BO was torture. Don’t beat yourself up about it

Yes he is messy but he lives in a tiny studio with a lot of guitars/musical equipment which take up all the room. But yes, he is quite messy.

I second a tooth decay/gum infection problem.

That'll explain the bad breath, but I don't suppose that'll explain the stinky shirts. Unless he's wiping his bad tooth on his shirt. Guess I'm saying it may be a health issue rather than a lazy issue!

He sounds scruffy. I couldn't be doing with that. Why won't he go to a dentist? There is clearly a problem. Or wear clean clothes?

So he broke up with me.

Says he can't deal with me making him feel inadequate and that I criticise him too much and speak really harshly.

He gave me a barrage of texts and I'm still trying to process and I couldn't even reply back much.

I feel blue . I think I need a therapist. How do you find one?

We've been together six years.