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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner has no work ethic - advice welcome

54 replies

peeekaboo · 16/02/2021 11:48

Essentially, my partner is great, but he has no work ethic. It has lead us to some interesting discussions, as obviously when you say someone has no work ethic the immediate response is 'loser' lol. He is however very intelligent (two first class degrees from university), but seems to have problems translating that into a 9-5 type job. He has ADHD, recently diagnosed as an adult.

He has talked at length about his feelings about work, that despite what job it is simply having to be somewhere he doesn't want to be & working makes him miserable no matter what it is, and that he also feels a lot of imposter syndrome / anxiety where he constantly feels uncomfortable and that he is constantly fucking up.

Anyway it has led us to some interesting debates in the context of whether working your entire life is actually normal and it's making me question when enough is enough and how I view society I guess. My partner has done well, owns two houses and has a good retirement fund set aside. Im not sure where all his money came from, perhaps inheritance.

Its a bit insane to me because I think he could probably be more wealthy by now if he actually just put more effort in, but he's just so happy with what he has and its making my brain malfunction a bit lol

If someone is comfortable enough, but has no work ethic, would you think less of them? He is certainly passionate about many things, just not work!

OP posts:

RedPaperLantern · 16/02/2021 11:51

I’d think they’d gotten the balance of life right, as long as they didn’t exploit other people in the process.

Blankspace4 · 16/02/2021 11:52

I feel a bit of solidarity with your partner, tbh.

Work isn’t the be all and end all of life.

I believe in being self sufficient and not relying on the state to provide what you could earn yourself but if he has done enough to be financially comfortable, and contributes in other ways, I don’t think this is a huge issue.

It comes down to the phrase “Work to Live, or Live to Work”? . I definitely work to live, even though in my earlier career I enjoyed work a lot more than now (the covid circumstances and my own self confidence and energy harming the last year)

OnlyTeaForMe · 16/02/2021 11:52

The fact he has ADHD is probably the key factor here. He probably has a fantastic 'work ethic' for things he's interested in (perhaps his two degree subjects?) but not for the drudgery of a 9-5 job. A lot of people with ADHD have problems with what is called 'executive function' - the project planning and follow-through of daily life. It's more important to focus on what he can do, and whether he can earn (enough of ) a living from it?

adrianmolesmole · 16/02/2021 11:55

He doesn't need to have a work ethic if he has inherited all that money. It seems you're the one who wants him to have more?

I do look down on people with no work ethic however. But I guess he's one of the lucky ones.

user1493494961 · 16/02/2021 11:56

Does he support himself from rental income or are you or the State having to support him, I think that makes a difference.

Flyingbirdie · 16/02/2021 11:56

I think no doubt your DP is intelligent (High IQ) but not emotional intelligent (low EQ) based on his condition, and he is not suitable for the traditional office job, he needs to work on his own term.

There is nothing wrong with content with what you have, which your DP seem so. Specially if when finance is not a issue, I personally don't think you should make a issue out of it and force your DP to do something he doesn't enjoy.

Wealthy is not everything, we create wealthy so that we can enjoy life with lovely ones, if you have enough money to enjoy life with your family already, why chase more which in turn make your DP suffer.

mimi0708 · 16/02/2021 11:57

I completely understand your partner. I myself would stop working if I have enough. There is more to life than working and I for one hate the way how we have become to be, spending majority of our lives working and just to be able to survive for most people. It is sad.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/02/2021 11:57

You call him your partner but you don't know where he got his money/assets from and how he funds his lifestyle? That sounds odd to me.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/02/2021 12:03

Having two first class degrees seems rather pointless to me if not actually going to do anything with them.

As long as he's not expecting you to provide for him it it's up to him what he does.

I do find it odd that you have no idea about how someone you are in a relationship with came to be so well off without ever working. How has that not come up in conversation?

Original poster

peeekaboo · 16/02/2021 12:06

@DelphiniumBlue

You call him your partner but you don't know where he got his money/assets from and how he funds his lifestyle? That sounds odd to me.

No, he's never directly said 'all this is from inheritance', I think he's a bit embarassed about it, but for example the houses were definitely passed down (which he said from the start). The way he put it to me was that he brought back money from saving for a future with a previous partner in a different country, which was a decent amount, however Im sure the rest of it was most likely inheritance.

As for the other person asking about how costs are paid, I live in his house rent free but would get the groceries and we split a lot of the rest. He tutors a bit and does some other stuff on the side, and its more than enough to live off comfortably.

Also clearly this is without kids involved, so the disposable income goes a lot further :)

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 16/02/2021 12:09

I feel the same as your partner about work. It sounds like he could make income from property. I think working 9-5 or similar your whole life is crazy if it can be avoided.

But you might be wise to ask him where his money came from. As long as you've been together over 6 months, I don't think it's a cheeky question.

RantyAnty · 16/02/2021 12:11

I'd want to know exactly where it came from just to make sure it isn't from something illegal.

Tankflybosswalkjam · 16/02/2021 12:12

The ADHD is key. What you’re describing as “no work ethic” is actually an inadvertent judgement on what he is able to do.

Just be happy.

PicsInRed · 16/02/2021 12:20

Its a bit insane to me because I think he could probably be more wealthy by now if he actually just put more effort

Or he could have died of a stress induced heart attack at 45 and never had a chance to relax, travel and enjoy himself.

Franklyfrost · 16/02/2021 12:46

You can’t get two firsts with no work ethic. He has a work ethic but his priorities are different to yours. I can see why it’s a bit disconcerting but his lack of career ambition sounds like a personality trait rather than an opinion so I wouldn’t try to change it.

Cruncheyleaves · 16/02/2021 12:57

Do you know anything about ADHD? Genuine question. If not read a book on it.

MsMarch · 16/02/2021 13:01

I have a strong work ethic - successful city career and now run my own business. Have (and do) put in the hours for long weeks/days etc.

If I had sufficient money and income to live in a nice house with no mortgage and to live a decent life, with a good pension, I'd stop it all immediately.

A poor work ethic, to me, implies a sense of entitlement and inability to manage "real life". Your partner does not sound like that.

Bananalanacake · 16/02/2021 14:03

I thought this would be another Cocklodger thread and you were going to say he's moved in with you without asking, isn't working and expects you to pay for his weed.

Cpl1586407 · 16/02/2021 15:18

What kind of support does he get for his ADHD?

Also like pp said it's strange that you don't know where his money came from. My dp is in a similar situation having bought property outright from inheritance - the general message to friends and wider family is that the inheritance covered deposit. He told me quite early on it was bought outright but felt embarrassed about it so didn't really share that fact around. Why would he be embarrassed to tell you as his partner

sunnyzweibrucken · 16/02/2021 15:43

meh, this wouldn't bother me as long as i wasn't taking care of him. and i have a strong work ethic. however if i was financially set, i wouldn't keep working, especially at a job i didn't enjoy, so i understand both sides of this situation.

Original poster

peeekaboo · 16/02/2021 16:56

@Cpl1586407

What kind of support does he get for his ADHD?

He attends an ADHD clinic and takes medication.

Yeah this is exactly how he is, embarrassed. He also talks very fondly and can still be a bit emotional over his Gran's death, I think it hit him pretty hard so I can see why he maybe has mixed feelings about the property etc.

Thanks for the help everyone, nice to see the other opinions.

Just out of curiosity, what would everyone here consider a 'good' sum of money to aim to save for retirement (per person)?.

OP posts:

RedPaperLantern · 16/02/2021 17:00

£400k and up. Basically £20k a year each for 20 years. That’s on top of a house though.

Fireflygal · 16/02/2021 17:04

How old is he? This will be relevant to his future needs. Also how long have you been together. Would you both consider marriage/children?

I think most people would stop a 9-5 job if they could sustain themselves. It's just at what level? Can he go on holidays, buy a car, new clothes, pay for essential house repairs. If your disposable incomes were very different and you had different spending priorities that could lead to difficulties.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 16/02/2021 17:04

If his lack of work ethic was causing lifestyle difficulties then I'd agree.

But given he has more money than most and can easily sustain himself, I don't really see the issue.

Work isn't always found in the traditional sense of the word. Maybe he'd be better off volunteering in a field he actually enjoys.

Jumpers268 · 16/02/2021 17:12

It doesn't sound like a lack of worth ethic, rather that he doesn't need to work. If I inherited an amount that meant I could live comfortably without working, I'd be handing my notice in.

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