Need someone to talk to about this..hand hold

[Catwoman76]

Last night and this morning things kicked off again. Dw took dd6 to bed last night. I could hear dw asking dd sternly to brush her teeth. Clearly dd wasn't doing as she was told. Again could hear dw sternly asking '..get in there now and brush your teeth..' again dd wouldn't do as she was told.
I feel like it was the tone of voice dw was using that just made the situation escalate. Dd starting messing about. I went upstairs and I asking dw to calm her voice down. Dd messing about again dw tried to put her in her room whilst dd resisted and started screaming. Our technique with dd as she has always lashed out as us, is to put her in her room and we count to 100. One of us stands outside door and counts with her.
Dw shoves dd into her bedroom whilst dd was fighting to get out. Dw was holding door handle whilst she counted. Dd was going mental in her bedroom.
Dw was shouting at me saying I don't support her and I was telling her off!!!??? All I said was she needed to calm down.
I came downstairs and dw finished counting and dd had calmed down. Dw wife went into bedroom and tried to explain to dd why she had been put in her room.. dw was again talking sternly to dw. Her tone was harsh with dd. Dd reacts back when she is spoken to in a stern voice. If you speak calmly to her it normally helps.
I again went upstairs but didn't say anything and dd messed about and dw had a go at me asking why I had come upstairs and how I had made things worse by going up. Basically she said I should've stayed downstairs.
Basically dd messed about again didn't do as she was told so I out her in her room. Dd was screaming so I opened door and explained I was doing the counting with door open. If she is going to mess about I would close the door.
In the background dw was shouting at me saying I didn't support her and I wasn't doing the discipline the right way as I had opened door.
Eventually things calmed down and I managed to brush her teeth and in bed.
Dw went to bed and we didn't discuss anything..
This morning we all got up and dw hardly spoke to dd when dd tried to engage in conversation. Instead dw continued again in a stern harsh voice with dd about how if parents ask her to brush her teeth she needs to go an do it. Again her tone was harsh and stern. Dd always reacts when she is spoken to like that. I went upstairs and again dw was continuing to talk sternly. Dw said to me she must listen to us and again I asked dw to try and keep calm.
Well, she went berserk with me and dd. She went on to kick our bedroom door in. Dd obviously got scared.
Dw said some awful things to me and said it wasn't working.
All I was trying to do was to try and calm her down.
Thing is, we have had issues where she always undermines me in front of dd and shouts at me if I merely speak out of tone with dd.
I've been waiting to discuss the above with dw but never found the right moment.
Wife stormed out and said she was going to move into one of our rental properties as things aren't working out.
In the past she's done this before..walking out and staying in hotels and not communicating when dd is upset wanting to ring her.
All of this just because dd didn't want to brush her teeth.

Sounds awful,sounds like she has anger issues x

It sounds like you're both undermining each other and that you feel that as parents you should have to tiptoe around your child so as not to "set her off" which sounds, quite honestly, like a recipe for raising a spoiled, aggressive child.

Kicking the bedroom door in however is obviously completely unacceptable and your wife needs to stay the fuck away until she's got a proper action plan of how to manage her negative emotions without lashing out. And recognise that her angry reactions are teaching her child how to behave badly.

What's your plan of action going forward OP?

The pair of you need to stop undermining each other in front of dd.

She will never learn to respect either of you if you don't respect each other.

Also, as a side issue, I wouldn't be using dds bedroom as a punishment for her.

Maybe it will do her some good to cool off for a while, then you need to sit down and discuss, and stick to, how you're dealing with dd from now on, and how to support each other with that.

If you don't the only other option is to separate because your dd needs to see what a healthy relationship looks like and this isn't it.

Sounds like you have a very naughty child there, and that you are too soft with her, whilst your wife is trying to gain some parental control. Obviously kicking the door in is not acceptable though!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

It sounds like you're both undermining each other and that you feel that as parents you should have to tiptoe around your child so as not to "set her off" which sounds, quite honestly, like a recipe for raising a spoiled, aggressive child.

Kicking the bedroom door in however is obviously completely unacceptable and your wife needs to stay the fuck away until she's got a proper action plan of how to manage her negative emotions without lashing out. And recognise that her angry reactions are teaching her child how to behave badly.

What's your plan of action going forward OP?

I really don't know what to do. I was going to support her and back her up but dw's harsh tone did not help with situation. We've both always said that talking in a nice tone with dd always helps and that talking to her harshly does not work as it causes naughty behaviour. We don't tiptoe around her at all. We discipline her accordingly. Dw said I was telling her off when all I said was you need to calm down. She just flew off the handle and behaved totally unreasonable with me and dd

If I remember correctly the DD is adopted, so not a naughty child, there will be reasons for her behaviour. Sorry if I've got that wrong and mixed you up with someone else OP.

Regardless of whether that is the case or not, she is a young child, the adults in her life need to be on the same page, and consistent. You do sound like you undermine each other regularly, which is not good for any of you. If you can't agree and stick to an approach, then maybe you are better apart. The kicking in of a door is appalling behaviour!

@Champagneandmonstermunch

If I remember correctly the DD is adopted, so not a naughty child, there will be reasons for her behaviour. Sorry if I've got that wrong and mixed you up with someone else OP.

Regardless of whether that is the case or not, she is a young child, the adults in her life need to be on the same page, and consistent. You do sound like you undermine each other regularly, which is not good for any of you. If you can't agree and stick to an approach, then maybe you are better apart. The kicking in of a door is appalling behaviour!

Yes, she is adopted. Thing is, is I wasn't trying to undermine my dw on purpose. I was trying to get her to calm down so the situation improved.

I really didn't want the situation to erupt at all. I hate any sort of confrontation or arguments. I am always the one who tries to avoid any arguments altogether. I am really at a loss as to what I have done wrong.
Dw behaved totally unreasonable last night and this morning.

I am feeling so alone

Please never tell an angry person to calm down. It will almost always always be perceived as you deliberately winding up and the person not actually felling as if they are being heard

Is the parenting normally quite 50/50? This is what my Dh does, does barely any parenting then buts in and thinks he knows it all. Maybe your dw is just incredibly frustrated. This situation is really hard on everyone and kids are playing up more than normal. It's really hard and relentless and she's obviously angry.

Maybe your wife feels that she does the bulk of the childcare? Do you ever take DD up to bed and get her to brush her teeth or are things like that always left to your wife?
It’s fine to criticise your wife about her tone and losing her temper but step back and think rationally about the role you play in dd’s life.
Sometimes it’s easier to write stuff down and give your partner time and space to see things from your perspective?

PMT by any chance?

In life sometimes people talk sternly.

If you’re afraid of your dd and simper to her it won’t do her any favours in the big wide world.

You should always support each other in front of the child and if you disagree you do that later, away from her. She will end up playing one parent off the other if she sees there’s conflicting views on her upbringing.

I haven't explained the full background on here as it would take too long. Dw always undermines me in front of dd. Believe me this is never tit-for-tat. I always want to be on the same page.
I've tried talking to my dw about being undermined in front of dd and she either turns the table to make me look like I am wrong all the time or she just says she doesn't want to talk about it.
I have alot to discuss with her about her undermining behaviour but have left it as I don't want an argument or her flying off the handle

Discuss your strategy together away from the child. Never tell anyone to calm down when they are clearly not calm - it's like a red rag to a bull. My suggestion would be to tag team - agree this beforehand - when it seems as if one person is tiring the other should take over, usually exactly the same strategy. Finally both of you need to learn to pick your battles.

Thing is, we have had issues where she always undermines me in front of dd

Thing is, that's exactly what you did to her.

PMT by any chance? WTAF

Because she's a woman and struggling to cope it MUST be PMT? Fuck off!

With an adopted child it is imperative you parent gently and bonded. So even shutting the door IMO is not acceptable. You’re both better off with your wife if this is how she acts. It’s not acceptable.

@Isadora2007

With an adopted child it is imperative you parent gently and bonded. So even shutting the door IMO is not acceptable. You’re both better off with your wife if this is how she acts. It’s not acceptable.

Is Isadora- sorry I don't understand what you meant. Please can you rephrase

OP if you were a woman you would get nothing but support on here, especially after your DW exhibited violence.

Thing is, while the DW may have been harsh towards the DD the night before and may have felt undermined, once the night had passed and it was the next day carrying on the talking harshly and accusingly to a 6 year old child is borderline emotional abuse. Especially given her reaction to being asked not to was to fly into a violent temper and kick the door in.

I think it’s fair to say that the OP realises that the DD isn’t always naughty, and the fact that she is adopted likely explains why they take a less harsh tone with her overall.

This isn’t about whether the poor love does most of the childcare or whether she has pmt, it’s about a woman being emotionally abusive towards a 6 year old child who has likely already had a difficult start in life hence why she is adopted. And that’s not ok, I don’t care who does most of the childcare, that doesn’t make them right.

OP you say you’ve tried to communicate with your DW before, clearly things just aren’t working then and I would start to assess where your future lies,and that includes residency of DD

It sounds like you both need some help.

I don’t know your daughter’s narrative, but it is unlikely that she needs strict rules in order to improve her behaviour. It might be worth exploring alternatives to shutting her in her bedroom and counting to 100- that’s actually a very long time, and can cause anxiety if a child has experienced trauma or has difficulties with attachment.

Are you getting support from the post adoption team? It might be worth posting on the adoption board here, you will get some excellent advice; it’s very likely that your approach to your DD (and to each other) will need to take into account her early life experiences in a way that ‘usual’ behaviour management strategies do not.

Wishing you all the best

@AlternativePerspective

OP if you were a woman you would get nothing but support on here, especially after your DW exhibited violence.

Thing is, while the DW may have been harsh towards the DD the night before and may have felt undermined, once the night had passed and it was the next day carrying on the talking harshly and accusingly to a 6 year old child is borderline emotional abuse. Especially given her reaction to being asked not to was to fly into a violent temper and kick the door in.

I think it’s fair to say that the OP realises that the DD isn’t always naughty, and the fact that she is adopted likely explains why they take a less harsh tone with her overall.

This isn’t about whether the poor love does most of the childcare or whether she has pmt, it’s about a woman being emotionally abusive towards a 6 year old child who has likely already had a difficult start in life hence why she is adopted. And that’s not ok, I don’t care who does most of the childcare, that doesn’t make them right.

OP you say you’ve tried to communicate with your DW before, clearly things just aren’t working then and I would start to assess where your future lies,and that includes residency of DD

I am a woman. We are in a same sex relationship and have been for 24 years

Just a thought- messing about at bedtime is really common for children who have issues with attachment; it can sometimes be a manifestation of the anxiety about being apart from parents for the whole night, and a way to keep parents engaged and with them so they are not alone.

It might help your DW to understand that your DD is not ‘trying to get one over’ on her by messing around at bedtime

@Catwoman76 Is there a support person you can access who can help with learning parent strategies for you both to help cope with the challenges you are facing?
I don't know too much I am afraid about what professional involvement there is when a child is adopted but there must be classes or even a 1-2-1 or something.
I do feel lots of parents really struggle with parenting strategies at times (I know I did when mine were younger) and could benefit from it but we live in a society that tends to see seeking help as 'failure' and of course it's not at all.
Children who have been adopted will come with their own challenges they have learned or experienced from their previous families/situations and I don't see how you can both be expected to be 'super-parents' or cope with any behaviour issues without any guidance.
I hope for all your sakes you get this sorted and can get back to being a happy, settled family for your daughter.