Need someone to talk to about this..hand hold

[Catwoman76]

Last night and this morning things kicked off again. Dw took dd6 to bed last night. I could hear dw asking dd sternly to brush her teeth. Clearly dd wasn't doing as she was told. Again could hear dw sternly asking '..get in there now and brush your teeth..' again dd wouldn't do as she was told.
I feel like it was the tone of voice dw was using that just made the situation escalate. Dd starting messing about. I went upstairs and I asking dw to calm her voice down. Dd messing about again dw tried to put her in her room whilst dd resisted and started screaming. Our technique with dd as she has always lashed out as us, is to put her in her room and we count to 100. One of us stands outside door and counts with her.
Dw shoves dd into her bedroom whilst dd was fighting to get out. Dw was holding door handle whilst she counted. Dd was going mental in her bedroom.
Dw was shouting at me saying I don't support her and I was telling her off!!!??? All I said was she needed to calm down.
I came downstairs and dw finished counting and dd had calmed down. Dw wife went into bedroom and tried to explain to dd why she had been put in her room.. dw was again talking sternly to dw. Her tone was harsh with dd. Dd reacts back when she is spoken to in a stern voice. If you speak calmly to her it normally helps.
I again went upstairs but didn't say anything and dd messed about and dw had a go at me asking why I had come upstairs and how I had made things worse by going up. Basically she said I should've stayed downstairs.
Basically dd messed about again didn't do as she was told so I out her in her room. Dd was screaming so I opened door and explained I was doing the counting with door open. If she is going to mess about I would close the door.
In the background dw was shouting at me saying I didn't support her and I wasn't doing the discipline the right way as I had opened door.
Eventually things calmed down and I managed to brush her teeth and in bed.
Dw went to bed and we didn't discuss anything..
This morning we all got up and dw hardly spoke to dd when dd tried to engage in conversation. Instead dw continued again in a stern harsh voice with dd about how if parents ask her to brush her teeth she needs to go an do it. Again her tone was harsh and stern. Dd always reacts when she is spoken to like that. I went upstairs and again dw was continuing to talk sternly. Dw said to me she must listen to us and again I asked dw to try and keep calm.
Well, she went berserk with me and dd. She went on to kick our bedroom door in. Dd obviously got scared.
Dw said some awful things to me and said it wasn't working.
All I was trying to do was to try and calm her down.
Thing is, we have had issues where she always undermines me in front of dd and shouts at me if I merely speak out of tone with dd.
I've been waiting to discuss the above with dw but never found the right moment.
Wife stormed out and said she was going to move into one of our rental properties as things aren't working out.
In the past she's done this before..walking out and staying in hotels and not communicating when dd is upset wanting to ring her.
All of this just because dd didn't want to brush her teeth.

Dd was so upset at bedtime asking where Mummy is. She sobbed whilst holding a photo of her. Poor little poppet. I really felt so sorry for her I just held her and cuddled her.

because firstly there are from your posts some attachment issues showing through and I think that is the root of all of this. I have read many threads that you have done and this seems to be what consistently pushes it over the edge

secondly because you seem to be arguing over parenting - but a lot of what you are arguing over doesnt take into account the attachment issues she is clearly showing

thirdly as above - this is a toxic horrible environment for any child. Your DD with

So the question is why wont you take the advice given in multiple threads that you need to access some specialist advice because even if you didnt before all of this you certainly do now.

I think you also need to accept that your marriage may well be over and you now need to put your daughter front and centre and figure out how to deal with it.

@singlemummanurse you are so right.
This poor child. You both need to get sorted, this child needs to be treated gently, not put in her room as punishment!. Please learn about Gentle Discipline. But frankly your wife is treating your dd horribly, feel so sorry for this child.

Yes OP we get that the child is upset, that your DW has upset her ...
you do not need to labour that point any more.

The only thing you need to add to this now is how you are going to address the abusive / domestic violence that this vulnerable child has been exposed POST adoption !!!!

How about instead of telling your wife to calm down you say to your daughter that she’s stressing mum out and you say to your wife you go have a tea and I’ll sort dd out. Deal with things not by undermining but by volunteering to take over.

Your wife sounds abusive.

Kids are sometimes naughty and couples do sometimes undermine each other. It’s obviously not ideal.
But your wife’s reactions are totally out of proportion and sound cruel.
Punishing a child with coldness because they didn’t brush their teeth the night before is ridiculous.
Kicking a door down and scaring them is awful.

I wouldn’t let this charade happen where she leaves, leave DD to cry and refuses to answer her calls etc and then return when she wants to continue. I’d be making it clear she is not welcome back. Something would have to really change.

Given what you are focussing on in your replies, it seems as though you plan to use this thread against your wife by saying “look, you’re wrong, all these people agree with me”!

You sound like a wimp around your daughter and your wife is probably utterly exasperated that you undermine her, and don’t back her up.

Your child shouldn’t be making a drama about brushing her teeth, adopted or not! It’s a normal part of the bedtime routine and shouldn’t be a drama.