Changing who I am to fit with DH

[Bonsa]

I found it hard to title this thread as I’m not sure what I’m getting at or what my solution is. They say a single woman is happier than a married one and this has been playing on my mind a bit. I guess I feel a bit subsumed by my DH. We’ve been happily married for nearly ten years but I feel like it’s only recently I’ve started to think about this.

It’s only silly, tiny things, like:

We go to bed on his schedule, not mine.

I would be happy to have beans on toast for dinner, but he wouldn’t, so we don’t, and I can’t lose weight.

I feel like I have to ‘look after’ him a lot - when he moans about work etc.

I just feel like who I am has changed a lot. I enjoyed my independence and me-time in my 20s and now I don’t get any of that as we are both WFH for the past year!

Anyone else??

You are acting as though you need his permission to breath. You don't need his permission for anything.
Go to bed when you want.
Eat what and when you want.
Do what you want.
Stop being a doormat.
I'd say, no thank you I don't want a big meal, I'm having beans on toast tonight, if you want a meal you'll have to cook it yourself.

I'm totally perplexed by the comment 'suggest a different bedtime'.

Why would you need to suggest it and why do you need to go to bed together? Is this 'a thing?'

I don't know anyone who does this. Just go to bed when you want...

I think you may have become a vassal for the Key Adult.

@Crabwoman

I'm totally perplexed by the comment 'suggest a different bedtime'.

Why would you need to suggest it and why do you need to go to bed together? Is this 'a thing?'

I don't know anyone who does this. Just go to bed when you want...

I think you may have become a vassal for the Key Adult.

Yeah same here, me and my DH usually do go to bed together but it's because we have to get up in the morning and we've usually pushed it late enough to have to go to bed to get a decent nights sleep if you know what I mean? but sometimes I'm really tired and want to go earlier, so I'll just say I'm wrecked I'm going to bed and he'll say alright I'll be up in an hour or so or vice versa, I thought this was normal life

Your title led me to believe that you were having to do something pretty extreme to fit in with your DH - like lose masses of weight, indulge in his sport or change your personality.

Hopefully the responses show you it is not a big deal to go to bed at a different time or eat different meals.

I suppose I used to think similar things - my mum always sorted out meals for my dad so I assumed I should do the same thing. Even recently, hearing my oldest friend describe how she and her DH (who have both wfh since last March) always have every meal together made me feel like my relationship is not so good. Maybe it isn't but anyway; it should be what suits you and you should be able to communicate about it.

We do eat together in the evenings (but not otherwise, frankly I avoid it as I like time to myself to read when eating) but don't always have the same meal. I like leftovers, he doesn't, for one thing. He likes more meat than I do, but I cook vegetarian meals a few times a week (we take turns to cook).

We haven't gone to bed at the same time for ages. In fact, I feel he is intruding if he comes to bed when I do as I've got used to being alone then. Ideally I suppose we would want to do the same things at the same time, but the reality is we don't.

And I do think lockdown has made it all so much harder. Too much time together has made me crave my own space even more.

I think some of this is just the things you grew up with - my DH always wanted us to go to bed at the same time because that's what his mum and dad did. So to him that's what married people did. I can still remember the shock I had when he grabbed a Hoover and tidied up after he did some DIY - my dad did lots of DIY but always left the mess for my mum to clean up. Some of the differences are good, some bad. But it's only wrong if it's just one of you making changes.