Changing who I am to fit with DH

[Bonsa]

I found it hard to title this thread as I’m not sure what I’m getting at or what my solution is. They say a single woman is happier than a married one and this has been playing on my mind a bit. I guess I feel a bit subsumed by my DH. We’ve been happily married for nearly ten years but I feel like it’s only recently I’ve started to think about this.

It’s only silly, tiny things, like:

We go to bed on his schedule, not mine.

I would be happy to have beans on toast for dinner, but he wouldn’t, so we don’t, and I can’t lose weight.

I feel like I have to ‘look after’ him a lot - when he moans about work etc.

I just feel like who I am has changed a lot. I enjoyed my independence and me-time in my 20s and now I don’t get any of that as we are both WFH for the past year!

Anyone else??

You’ve become a Support Human to the Key Human in the house.

Stop. Stop right now. Just be you and ignore whatever demands he makes of you.

Find yourself again. You are meant to be in a team of equals.

Then you need to try it. Do what you want and he might not do anything.

I do understand this. I know I can tend to be accommodating like that. I once had to have a stern word with myself when I realised that I was doing things like drying my feet before I stood on the bathmat so I didn't make it wet for dh (even though that is what it's there for). And I would walk on eggshells around dh who might sigh or disagree or state an opposite opinion. But as I got older I just do as I wish and I realise that he's really not that disapproving at all. He is happy to accommodate me and really flexible. Try it, it's liberating.

It works the other way too, my DH now does some things that he didn’t used to do because I prefer them to be done in a certain way. I let him get on with it, I’d prefer we did it my way but can see it’s important to him.

You're getting a lot of people acting like changing this is no big deal. And I hope that's the truth. But in reality, we all know that as a pp has pointed out, often these patterns are developed over time and are insidious so you feel like you have no choice because otherwise you may be "punished" via sulking, guilt tripping etc.

You need to work out which is true in this situation. If it's just you being unable to say what you want, then absolutely, simply learning to be more assertive might well solve the problem. But if it's the latter, it might be more complicated.

Why don't you start small? Say you're really keen to lose weight so going to eat x, y, z a few nights a week and then suggest how that could work fr him (eg if you always do the cooking, it may be that you want to suggest a takeaway/ready meal for him or that you'll cook double of whatever it is on day 1 so he can have the leftovers on day 2 while you're having a salad). In the perfect world of course, you could just tell him you want beans and toast and he'd make his own dinner, but I appreciate that might feel a step too far in the first instance for you.

What would happen if at 9PM you said, 'I'm going to bed now as I fancy an early night reading my book'. If you are worried about his reaction he is controlling you.

I see now that my ex "trained" me to go to bed at the same time as him. If I went early, when he came to bed he'd put the main light on and clatter about so I was well and truly disturbed. Every time. The awful thing is that he never ever said ' I want you to go to bed at the same time as me' but I ended up changing. I can now see it was another piece in the control jigsaw.

Sometimes when I'm worriting about something, to get a different angle on it I think, "What would Steve the Manager" (an amalgam of various colleagues of good character) "do?"

He would say,
"I've decided I'm too fat and need more sleep, so I'll let Alison do whatever she wants for herself but I'll be making my own dinners and sloping up off to bed early"
and would thereafter be noshing his salmon and salad before a 10pm bedtime (until the bad habits slipped back in, anyway...).

Now if someone said that to me I wouldn't think that at all odd, so it's quite reasonable to do it...
But yeah I appreciate that some people can be odd or off about stuff - that might happen - but if it does they're not being reasonable.

@Bonsa

Oh dear.... I didn’t think I’d get all these replies. Thank you.

I appear to have got myself into a really unhealthy rut. I need to become more assertive. I need to find myself again!

I couldn’t even guess what he’d say if I suggested different meals or bedtimes.

I just feel like I’m existing rather than living. Which of course isn’t helped by Covid and lockdown. I just feel as though I’ve lost who I really am.

Lock down is hard and a lot of people are self reflecting I think.

But unless he's forcing you to these things it's your own fault for just going along with things.

If you don't want to go to bed then stay up? That's what me or my DH does, no skin off my nose if he comes to bed an hour later

If he doesn't want beans on toast, tell him that's what your having and if he wants something else he'll have to look after it himself

If he tries to force you not to do these things then yeah you have a problem, if he says OK fine then you can't really blame him for anything

You can't blame your husband for every shortcoming in your life. You are allowing these patterns to stay in place, so if you don't like them, change them.

Baked beans are full of sugar, mind! Maybe just do smaller portions?

You can't blame your husband for every shortcoming in your life. You are allowing these patterns to stay in place, so if you don't like them, change them.

Equally we shouldn't blame op entirely for the situation she has found herself in. The dh has to own at least half of the responsibility for that.

Op is a woman in need of empowerment and support. I for one can identify with a lot of what she says (not baked beans but regarding other things).

Op I have no idea why, but we sometimes find it difficult to break out of the mould of trying to make things easier for everyone else and we try and fit in so that things run smoothly. And that is not always a bad thing as a family wouldn't ever run smoothly without someone compromising some of the time. It shouldn't be the same person who always makes the compromises though. At least half the time, we need to plough our own furrow. So the next time a similar situation occurs say to yourself "why do I need permission?".

Good luck

Equally we shouldn't blame op entirely for the situation she has found herself in. The dh has to own at least half of the responsibility for that.

According to the op, she has never even mentioned having different dinners or separate bedtimes, so her husband may not even realise the op has an issue with any of it. He's not a mind reader. If the husband isn't abusive, threatening, or controlling, and this is a case of the op just going along with it, then it is her responsibility for the position she's currently in.

I think a lot of women find they accommodate their partner more than he does them.

Start asserting your preferences, but be prepared for a bit of pushback. Not necessarily nastiness, but just discomfort that you are upsetting the status quo. You may feel less close, because you have opened up an area of difference between you.

That's ok, you just have to work through it.

State things about yourself. I'm staying up a while. I'm cooking a light tea- we had a big lunch.

Don't stop him doing things- if he wants to cook a steak to go with his beans on toast, so be it.

Just do what you need to do.

Just cook some fish fingers on the side for him to have with the beans on toast you make for both of you

I do know what you mean too op. My dh has a full on job and over the years his need for early nights because he gets up so early have slowly over twenty years become the norm. Neither of us like sitting watching TV alone, so we needed to work out a compromise. However he has been happy to change it at weekends and is happy to go to bed early whenever I want to. Have you tried switching it to suit you for a change? And if you did was he happy to? I think that is key.

Dinner I make my healthy dinner, and he adds to it by making larger portions of meat based dishes, we split and share the cooking.

Being a support human to the main human as more than a ring of truth to it, and hit the nail on the head. So is this the life you chose for yourself? Are you doing things that make you feel fulfilled? Do you go on holidays to places you like? Do hobbies that interest you? Do you live in a house you love? It is not just food and sleep times, but look at everything. Are you choosing things for you or him? Or both?

It is okay to only now notice this, it can creep up slowly. You can change it by being more in tune with yourself, making decisions based on things you love and looking over your whole life with a critical eye - is it serving you or are serving it?

@Bonsa

I could have written your OP. The accommodations that we make are small, but they eventually grind you down if you don’t knock this behaviour on the head.

Several replies have resonated hugely with me,

“You’ve become a Support Human to the Key Human in the house.“

and
“ Start asserting your preferences, but be prepared for a bit of pushback. Not necessarily nastiness, but just discomfort that you are upsetting the status quo. You may feel less close, because you have opened up an area of difference between you.”

I have found that since my h retired, and doesn’t have the big important job to back up his key human status, he has tried (very very hard) to micromanage me, and the household. (I also had a big important job, but went part time when we moved in order to manage the renovations) He’s not happy when I “rebel” and won’t comply, but he knows that he can’t do much about it.
So, for example, if I look at what’s in the fridge and suggest chicken and pasta bake for tea, he’ll say “or steak”. The steak is in the freezer, but he has to make an alternative suggestion - now I say, you have steak if you want, I’ll have chicken, do you want me to get the steak out for you? He usually complies with me but there is a bit of sulking. His choice. But it’s bloody hard work.

@Bonsa For years I had been independent, self-sufficient, used to making my own decisions (and also asking for and accepting advice). For years (ex)dh had been similar. When we got together we continued in the same equal partnership for 3 years. Then we moved in together and got married and somehow he reverted to behaving like his father had, and I reverted to behaving like my mother had. So he was 'in charge', the head of the household; I was subservient and there to facilitate his life.

I have no idea why things changed except that we both grew up with these patterns and expectations.

By the time we got around to recognising the problem, it was too late to sort it out. Hence the (ex)dh. If you think it's salvageable, then get some counselling for both of you, find out why you are accepting these limitations, find ways that support both of you to establish a new compromise, one that is more equal.

We used to have this with lots of things, once you get the hang of putting your foot down it’s gets easy and they begin to accept it.
We used to have it with takeaways. DH wants a fat git lamb doner and also some chicken so he’d say why don’t I get chicken and we can share . I used to go along with it but then I thought hang in what I really like are the vegetable skewers or meze platter. Like a PP suggested I don’t make it about him I just say I’ve had so much meat lately I really a fancy a veggie skewer.
We used to have it with TV programmes too so I suggested 2 evenings a week in separate rooms so we can watch our own stuff.
Same with the settee, he’d have over half and do an annoying thing with his arm that meant I bounced about my half of the couch so I suggested arm chairs.
The list goes on on the more I think about it.

Start stating what you want op and be firm about it. He can have whatever he wants for dinner and you can have beans on toast. Go to bed when you want to, not when he does. You still have autonomy, you just need to exercise it a lot more

Once you start, it does get easier and easier, now I am not adverse just to call out stuff there and then, after a while we just both understood he is not 'in charge' and neither am I, now and then he will slip into taking over something or just assuming it will be done his way. I have become very good at asserting myself. As a result I am assertive now in all areas of my life, not just at home and it has done wonders for my confidence.

I am now retraining in an area I have always wanted to work in, I am doing that mature student thing. I prioritise my own needs most of the time, and make small adjustments sometimes but expect the same in return. He is not going to offer to compromise, so you need to gently change one thing at a time until your life looks and feel equal, comfortable to you and you are a priority too.

As much as people on here dont like it, the research shows that single women rate themselves as happiest when asked. Then married men, single men, then married women. Because of the way boys and men are socialized (again, there is s plethora of research about this) they expect to get what they want, and in a lot of relationships this plays out. It is not that they mean to be selfish, necessarily, just that is the way they do things. And it doesnt occur to them that they are getting their own way all the time.

What happens if you assert yourself? Or try things differently? It may be that your partner will adapt well if he understands it is an issue. Or that you need to have an agreement that sometimes you will do things differently. Check the Centre for Clinical Interventions who have workbooks on assertiveness and on self esteem in their resources section.

Gosh give OP a break some of you! OP, I Class myself as strong and independent but I totally get where you're coming from here. I became a bit like this, in my case it was when my DC were born and I existed in a tired fog most of the time. Suddenly I turned around and I was living in a house I wouldn't necessarily have chosen, decorated in a way that wasn't my style.. in my tired state DH had just taken over all decision making.
Small steps forward but the key is to work on yourself..exercise and self-care are a good way to start.

@gamerchick
"I go to bed at a different time to husband and we have seperate bedrooms. I also have no problem in making meals for myself if I don't fancy what husband's eating.

My question to you is why do you fall in with what he wants?"

Agree

I am currently working on trying to change this myself but it is so hard. I identify with what you are saying, and it is due to my issues, not my husband. In my case it is the result of an abusive childhood and previous relationship in which I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have needs. It is so hard but I definitely identify with being the support human and feel so guilty if I try to break away from this.