Frustrated with partners lack of understanding

[KevinTheBird]

I’ve been with a man for around 7 months now. It’s all going really well, he’s really kind and considerate, funny and clever and amazing sex. But I’m getting increasingly annoyed with him refusing to let me have an opinion on certain things.

I’m divorced and my exh was a very high earner. I’m incredibly fortunate in that when we split he paid off the mortgage on our house and the lump sum from divorce means that I won’t ever have to work again unless I choose to. I know that makes me incredibly privileged. But as a child and until my late 20’s this wasn’t the case at all. I grew up in an incredibly rural area and we were desperately poor. My dad was an alcoholic and my mum worked all hours to try and provide for us. My parents were also massive hippies and I didn’t attend school or have any form of education until I was 9 and the LA provided transport for me to attend the nearest primary school. Then at 11, as there were no commutable secondary schools I was sent to do weekly boarding on the mainland along with others from my area. Again, all provided by the LA.

Boyfriend is very political and we share lots of similar views about poverty etc. However, he is convinced that because I am now financially comfortable I am completely incapable of understanding ‘real’ poverty and shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on it. According to him as I had a horse when I was young and went to public school (it wasn’t - it was a secondary school that provided accommodation for kids who lived too rurally to commute) I was massively privileged as a child. The fact that we often went hungry and rarely had heating is just dismissed. He just laughs and says things like ‘you had a 3 acre garden, you’re completely deluded about what poverty is’. He grew up in a deprived area of a northern city so I guess our experiences of poverty are very different. But I can imagine what it’s like to live in a flat with no outside space and that be poverty, why can’t he imagine living in a house with no central heating in the middle of absolutely nowhere can also be poverty?

Or am I just deluded? Did I actually have a massively privileged, or a normalish childhood? I don’t know how to get him to understand things without sounding more like a brat.

He doesn't get to tell you that you can't have an opinion about anything. This would massively piss me off!

I would have a calm discussion where you tell him how you feel, and if this doesn't help I would push back hard! In other words, tell him to get to fuck.

His views and opinions do not take priority over yours.

I just don’t know how to get him to actually listen or even whether its even worth trying to get him to listen. It’s not that he’s said I can’t have an opinion as such, it’s more that he’s compared it to a male have opinions on feminism, all I can be is an ally to poor people, I can’t pretend to actually understand it as I haven’t lived it.

I know it sounds ridiculously petty when it’s written down but it really pisses me off!

Did you have no heating at all, or no central heating? We didn't have 'central heating' but did have an aga and woodburning fireplace.

He sounds like an opinionated pia. Has he never heard of rural poverty? Can’t be doing with snobbery whichever way it goes - and he’s being snobby about HIS poverty being so much worse than yours. How does he manage with that enormous hip on his shoulder? What other things are you not ‘allowed’ an opinion on? I wouldn’t bother arguing with him, but I’d be taking a hard look at the relationship as a whole - his weird superiority and entitlement would really be very annoying.

Get angry. Seriously.

I spent years being calm and reasonable and 'seeing both sides' while my exh ignored/dismissed my opinions and steam rollered on; I wouldn't do it again.

@MichelleScarn

Did you have no heating at all, or no central heating? We didn't have 'central heating' but did have an aga and woodburning fireplace.

Well, talk about missing the point...!

I would dump him, your opinion means nothing to him and he’s not listening to you.

That enough for me to think see you later

I've obviously missed the new rules with regards to what we can and can post?... arrive I hadn't actually finished my post and was going to say further about the fact if perspective re cost of having a horse and from his perspective that yes, for some people having a big house, land, being at boarding school yes it may be hard to understand that there is different types of poverty. But go you.

He isn't going to change. If you continue, once the honeymoon period is over, you will realise he's actually a horrible man and that will supercede any of his good points. I would get out now. He's not considerate and kind. Those traits aren't compatible with mocking you and putting you in your place.

If a man refuses to allow you to have an opinion on anything, he's a controlling arse.

Whatever the fuck you do, with those assets you have, don't ever marry him.

He's being ridiculous! And I don't like the way he is dismissing your views or questioning your version of your childhood.

Makes me think of my DH's family. Money was never an issue, and they went to the Caribbean every year etc, however, he had an incredibly disfunctional up bringing, as is mother suffered from acute depression and he was often beaten with objects, and even had his nose broken. Just because some parts of his children were good (the holidays for example), doesn't wipe out the very bad things that he had to live through. I have listened and taken the time to understand his background. Sounds like your Partner can't be arsed to do the same.

I can imagine it’s hard for some poor city folk to imagine what rural poverty looks like.

Whatever the fuck you do, with those assets you have, don't ever marry him

Agree with this.

It’s quite ignorant and short sighted really to think that there’s only one experience/type of poverty. It drives me crazy that my DH doesn’t really recognise how white male middle class privilege but I make my point and leave it as he’s not seen the things I have

So he is mansplaning your life to you? Tell him to pull his head in or you'll move on.

Firstly he doesn't get to tell you what you can have an opinion about.

I'm really not a fan of rich people so I'm likely to judge harshly but even I would say you can definitely understand poverty due to yuur upbringing. He has decide what poverty looks like and that anything which doesn't fit his narrow view isn't poverty.

If course rural poverty is different to urban poverty. But just because you had a garden doesn't mean you weren't deprived of education, living with an alcoholic father and money wasn't scarce.

He sounds like a dick tbh.

Ugh, I couldn't be doing with this.

Keep him as a FWB if the sex is good but forget about any emotional involvement. This won't be the only massive gulf between you, I can promise you that. He's entrenched in his belief that nobody else has had it as hard as him - you will probably never know why, but perhaps he's so invested in that as a reason or excuse for him not reaching [insert random life goal] that to see someone from a similar background overcome their shaky start in life (as you have done) is a threat to his self-image.

If you weren't accepting that you are very privileged now, or saying that you had it worse than him, that would be very different. But you clearly acknowledge your fortunate position now and haven't sought to minimise his experience. At all.

My XH used to pull shit like this and it was really wearing. Eventually it also morphed into "poor me" and "what about the mennnnnzzzzz" crap. He was deeply invested in his own narrative of being a victim and he couldn't handle any challenge to that viewpoint.

We didn’t have any central heating as no gas. We had a coal fuelled Aga but could rarely afford coal to light it. When we did that would heat the house and give hot water but that wasn’t often. Having a horse was free - we had 3 acres of garden (again worthless land, couldn’t be sold and farmers weren’t really grazgong livestock in our area. My sister and I had a Dartmoor pony each which could live in the garden all year with little additional feed. We had one set of tack so one of use would use the saddle on their pony with a head collar and the other would use the bridle and ride bareback 😂.

I can totally understand how, on paper, it might sound like I had a very privileged childhood. But even though I’ve explained the circumstances he still just finds it hilarious that I think I grew up in poverty.

It’s frustrating as we do have really good discussions about pretty much everything else and he really does seem to listen to my POV. I just find it infuriating that he seems to think that no one in the countryside can be poor.

@Laserbird16

So he is mansplaning your life to you? Tell him to pull his head in or you'll move on.

I should have just said this rather than my longer response. Yes well said. He is mansplaining your life! Ffs

@KevinTheBird

I just don’t know how to get him to actually listen or even whether its even worth trying to get him to listen. It’s not that he’s said I can’t have an opinion as such, it’s more that he’s compared it to a male have opinions on feminism, all I can be is an ally to poor people, I can’t pretend to actually understand it as I haven’t lived it.

I know it sounds ridiculously petty when it’s written down but it really pisses me off!

You really shouldn't have to be trying to 'get him to listen' to you. He's your partner - you're not arguing your case for a PhD.

Partnerships are all about being fascinated by the other person. Wanting to hear their story, feeling thrilled by the difference in perspective, wanting to hear their story about yourself.

The exchange should produce something of a feeling of being untethered, unbounded. Suddenly, in this intimate space (grounded I trust and desire) you experience the weightlessness of being loosened from your own moorings, and experience the rush of seeing the world through the eyes and words of another.

And your partner is intriguing: you want to know their view of the world, their perspective and their story.

What it isn't is a battle, where one partner is hammering the other to tell them their story is wrong, that they need to change it, that their story needs to fit the One True perspective.

Yes, there will be a bit of that in any relationship: we enter into relationships partly to have a trusted, intimate 'other' through whom we can swap stories, test perspectives, and perhaps - hopefully - change and grow.

But there's an element of space, flexibility and - above all - intimate trust - in positive exchanges. An element of love and invitation to making changes to our stories.

In the widest sense, we will know that our partner both loves us for what we are and also trusts us to change wisely, and will be delighted in the changes we make.

The key thing here is the element of forcefulness and dominance in your partner's insistence.

Underneath all the 'right in' language, he'd actually being a bit of a bully.

He's bullying you in the most intimate area: about the story that you tell about who you are.

And you are instinctively picking up on that bullying.

Try telling him 'No' and to stop going on at you about it. See how he handles being told, 'No.'

Sorry also the idea that a horse or pony makes you posh is offensive to various working class communities who traditionally have owned horses.

thecatfromjapan thank you, that’s a really good way of thinking about it.

I don’t think I am too emotionally involved at this point. I do enjoy his company and I love having a sex life again but if he said he didn’t want to see me again I don’t think I’d be that bothered really. I think that’s more because I’ve become pretty independent since divorce and don’t really want to rely on anyone for much at the moment. There definitely wouldn’t ever be any chance of us getting married!

I absolutely understand the 'on paper bit' as it sounds a bit similar to my life, but as pp have said this is meant to be your partner so he should be hearing your life story (not to sound too trite!) and not just 'oh that sounds good, you weren't poor!' And its that much fact that would annoy and actually upset more!

Nobody can decide on your opinions. Nobody can decide how you lived and what your life experiences were. You can be from an extremely rich family and still be deprived. He sounds pretty awful and opinionated. Enjoy the sex and get rid.

He's bullying you in the most intimate area: about the story that you tell about who you are.

@Okokokbear that is the wisest thing I have ever read on here.