Frustrated with partners lack of understanding

[KevinTheBird]

I’ve been with a man for around 7 months now. It’s all going really well, he’s really kind and considerate, funny and clever and amazing sex. But I’m getting increasingly annoyed with him refusing to let me have an opinion on certain things.

I’m divorced and my exh was a very high earner. I’m incredibly fortunate in that when we split he paid off the mortgage on our house and the lump sum from divorce means that I won’t ever have to work again unless I choose to. I know that makes me incredibly privileged. But as a child and until my late 20’s this wasn’t the case at all. I grew up in an incredibly rural area and we were desperately poor. My dad was an alcoholic and my mum worked all hours to try and provide for us. My parents were also massive hippies and I didn’t attend school or have any form of education until I was 9 and the LA provided transport for me to attend the nearest primary school. Then at 11, as there were no commutable secondary schools I was sent to do weekly boarding on the mainland along with others from my area. Again, all provided by the LA.

Boyfriend is very political and we share lots of similar views about poverty etc. However, he is convinced that because I am now financially comfortable I am completely incapable of understanding ‘real’ poverty and shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on it. According to him as I had a horse when I was young and went to public school (it wasn’t - it was a secondary school that provided accommodation for kids who lived too rurally to commute) I was massively privileged as a child. The fact that we often went hungry and rarely had heating is just dismissed. He just laughs and says things like ‘you had a 3 acre garden, you’re completely deluded about what poverty is’. He grew up in a deprived area of a northern city so I guess our experiences of poverty are very different. But I can imagine what it’s like to live in a flat with no outside space and that be poverty, why can’t he imagine living in a house with no central heating in the middle of absolutely nowhere can also be poverty?

Or am I just deluded? Did I actually have a massively privileged, or a normalish childhood? I don’t know how to get him to understand things without sounding more like a brat.

Lots of people like to play the I'm poorer than you chip on the shoulder game. It's all very Billy Bragg moaning about life. Competitive poorness.
It's boring.

Its ridiculous people thinking poor people can't have horses as often even nomadic people who don't even have a home have horses.
Also l think it's easier if you have a bit of land to not be completely poor as in hungry as you can sow vegetables/ have eggs etc but that takes parents who are prepared to do that. So yes op ye were poor..poor and neglected. So that should be understood. Its difficult to move the relationship on if he refuses to get into your shoes on that.

I was at LTB by the third sentence in the OP.

But I’m getting increasingly annoyed with him refusing to let me have an opinion on certain things.

Tell him to fuck off.

@KevinTheBird

I just don’t know how to get him to actually listen or even whether its even worth trying to get him to listen. It’s not that he’s said I can’t have an opinion as such, it’s more that he’s compared it to a male have opinions on feminism, all I can be is an ally to poor people, I can’t pretend to actually understand it as I haven’t lived it.

I know it sounds ridiculously petty when it’s written down but it really pisses me off!

I don't think you can get him to listen, because he doesn't want to.

And it's not petty.

I grew up in developing countries. We moved a lot. My mom is from a developing country. In her town people are very poor. She has a big family and some of my aunts don't have indoor kitchens, they cook outside on a fire.

When I came to the UK I struggled to understand poverty in a 'first world' context.

But tbh OP, your boyfriend sounds like a fucking bore and a mansplainer. He sounds fundamentally incapable of believing anyone had it worse or even the same as him, and this "I've had it so hard, poor me, I had it the worst" attitude is likely present in other parts of his life and outlook.

What @Silenceisgolden20 said.

Honestly, as someone who has been where you are, don't waste your free time on this dick. A better one will come along...

It sounds like he doesn't understand rural poverty which as you say OP is definitely real. It's also a lot more hidden then inner city poverty.

If it was me I would explain calmly that rural poverty does exist, is often hidden and is a real problem. Just because there is more space doesn't change the fact that it's still poverty. I would simply explain that as you can't fully understand inner city poverty, he can't fully understand rural poverty and therefore he shouldn't comment on it. Space doesn't equal money.

The pp who said he doesn’t get to dictate or deny your narrative was spot on.

I get the red mist when people make assumptions about my supposed ‘privilege’. I also grew up very poor and it was bloody grim, also it impoverished aspirations. I was lucky enough to go to university as a slightly older student (think 20s) and had worked in a low-paid job before then. I’m aware I speak in a fairly RP way and I’m in a rather middle-class occupation. It’s led some to believe I’ve led a charmed life.

Also, I do think rural poverty (the kind I experienced too) is different from urban poverty and it’s easy to mistake certain features of rural life as ‘privilege’ when they definitely aren’t - possibly because they’ve been adopted by the middle classes! When I was a kid, it was standard that your dad and your friends’ dads grew their own veg’ an kept a few chickens and ducks. One of my school mates used to get delivered to school on horseback (long story, her dad allegedly got the horse as he’d been banned from driving). It really was the wild west! There was a lot of lovely scenery and a lot of folk with narry a pot to piss in.

I had one of those jealous competitive poorness types. Ugh.

Just get rid. Dick is in high supply and low value.

@RantyAnty ‘ dick is in high supply and low value’ - love it 🤣🤣🤣

he’s really kind and considerate, funny and clever and amazing sex
As this behaviour is definitely not kind, considerate, funny OR clever ... are you sure about the sex?!

OP, you do not need to justify on here or to your partner what you consider poverty. By his logic no one in the developed world can claim 'poverty' compared to starving children in Africa....

A partner should listen and understand your story and not minimise or negate your experiences. He sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder about his background and your current financial circumstances, and frankly that's unpleasant. It will come through in other parts of his personality.

Own your story, and don't let anyone make you feel you can't have an opinion on things. You don't have to have lived everything to have an opinion on it. He is narrow minded and lacking empathy and you should consider if this is the sort of man you can have a happy life with.

He's pigeonholed you before he even got to really know you and now refuses to accept anything that would make him reassess the situation. Because it doesn't fit with the image he has of you and the neat little box he placed you in.

It would be very silly to assume this is the only thing he has done that with. It might be the most prevalent , but you definitely have your assigned role and background he's made it obvious that he won't accept you to stray from it.

It does not matter how poor you were. What matters is his behaviour now, and how it is impacting on your life. It's just nasty I wonder if he will always insist he is right over everything in the future?
I would not be dictated to by anyone. This would be a deal-breaker for me

I'm so glad it's worked out well financially for you now, but I think in future relationships I wouldn't say anything about my current financial status as I think that can skew the relationship.

Your knobber boyfriend is blinded by the fact that you now have money, I think. He's a complete idiot about your past - how the hell can he know more than you about it? I think his opinion is based more on the fact you don't have financial worries now.

Remember the golden rule, though, that if someone doesn't let you think your own thoughts and let you voice your own beliefs, then they are not worth mixing with.

In my exp, if someone has to one-up you on things like who is sicker/worse off ect - you are dealing with a narcissist (npd) or variant there of. Run for the hills.

He's being an inverted snob op, competitive hardship. Makes me think of the old sketch where two men were telling each other about how much worse off then they were from each other 'I got up 2 hours before I went to bed to do a paper round before school' etc. When he starts again start humming the hovis theme tune