Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I really need advice

28 replies

CONFUSED30SOMETHING · 16/02/2021 02:09

I really need some advice please. I dated a 40 year old man who doesn't have much experience of long term relationships. We dated long distance and he planned wonderful dates for us. It was a great at first but then he became less interested and said he wasn't sure in our future. He broke up with me and we worked it out a number of times but recently he broke it off again and said that he was sure it was over. That was around 2 weeks ago. He has said that part of his heart will always be devoted to me, he tells me he still has feeling for me, he tells me hes still highly attracted to me. He sent a text message on valentines day "to the woman i love" and said he had been thinking of me. BUT he keeps insisting however that I need to be happy alone before being in a relationship.
The issue i have with this is personally i don't feel like i had a major issue with insecurity and I've very independent (my only anxiety is about this break up and his coming and going itself). He has asked to maintain weekly catch ups by telephone as friends. He is very clear that whilst he remains open to working it out he can't make any promises or guarantees. He has said that he's not going anywhere with anyone else and he isn't dating or intending to date anyone else right now. It is driving me insane that the door is slightly open but he's so cold towards me. I loved him dearly when things were going well. Do I cut contact as it's torturing me or keep up these calls in the hope something develops?

OP posts:
Newcastleteacake · 16/02/2021 02:12

There is a reason why he is 40 with no experience of long term relationships.

He wants to you be there at his beck and call but will not commit to a relationship.

Do not engage with him any longer, you are wasting your time. Find someone on your wavelength and closer to home.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/02/2021 02:16

Cut contact, don't make yourself available for his demanded weekly calls. Who does he think he is??

If he loved you he would want to be in a relationship with you. He doesn't, and it seems he just wants to keep you hoping whilst he looks around for someone else. It is a waste of your time and mental energy, and it isn't fair on you.

Treebranch · 16/02/2021 02:25

Definitely cut contact

MorriseysGladioli · 16/02/2021 02:27

What a wanker!
Setting himself up as some sort of 'prize'.

gutful · 16/02/2021 02:30

People like this are always waiting for something better to come along.

You need to cut contact & focus on yourself & a future with someone else.

This guy is nothing but angst & heartache.

Love how he is making you feel insecure when you used to be confident & independent & throwing this in your face.

He has done this with every other woman that came before you.

Time waster.

homebase123 · 16/02/2021 02:33

He sounds like an emotionally stunted dweeb who's never met a woman before. The stuff he's saying is really weird and contradictory like he has no idea what he's talking about. I couldn't be bothered with it.

Time40 · 16/02/2021 02:34

He has asked to maintain weekly catch ups by telephone as friends

It's not friendship he wants. All he wants is to keep you dangling as a back-up. Cut contact.

yvanka · 16/02/2021 02:37

It sounds like he loves drama and doesn't know how to have a normal relationship.

He's pulled an issue out of thin air and the dramatic "I love you but we can't be together but I can't stay away" is a massive overreaction

He's very weird and you need to walk away.

Skippingabeat · 16/02/2021 02:41

Please read the book "Attached". You two are the textbook example of someone with an avoidant attachment style meeting someone who is secure and turning her into a mess.

SionnachGlic · 16/02/2021 02:43

There is a reason why he is 40 with no experience of long term relationships.

He wants to you be there at his beck and call but will not commit to a relationship.

Do not engage with him any longer, you are wasting your time. Find someone on your wavelength and closer to home.

This

Eekay · 16/02/2021 02:53

Block him. You'll be so relieved.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 16/02/2021 03:24

He just wants you to be his puppet , you are worth so much more . Bin him ☘️

Pyewhacket · 16/02/2021 03:40

He’s playing games. Tell him he’s gotta piss or get off the pot as you don’t have the time or patience to be doing with weedy, ineffectual masturbating dweebs.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2021 03:43

He's nothing but a future-faking, selfish fuckwit. Block him and never look back.

Fergmac4 · 16/02/2021 04:03

Yep

BlueThistles · 16/02/2021 04:16

What a Dick... he's playing with your confidence.. your mental well being and your sanity...

Get him to fook 🌺

AnitaB888 · 16/02/2021 04:26

OP, it seems to me that this guy used to be indecisive, now he's not so sure Smile
Seriously though, he's a waste of your time.
I've dated guys like this when I was single (and so have my friends) and they don't change.
Move on and find a guy who's really into you, because you deserve better than someone who is lukewarm.

Sakurami · 16/02/2021 05:53

If it's not brilliant at the beginning then bin it off.

This man is avoidant. He doesn't want a relationship but he wants attention. Let him go and ignore his messages.

Ilovelove · 16/02/2021 06:11

He is a liar. There will not be a part of his heart devoted to your always. Seriously please do not believe this crap.
He would have said it before and where are all the other women that have his devoted heart? Hopefully they walked away, just like I hope you do.

Walk far away (or just block!) and choose to be happy. You might not feel happy today but soon you will be able to look back and see you saved yourself a whole lot of angst.

Wiredforsound · 16/02/2021 06:19

If he wanted to be with you, he’d be with you. He just likes the attention. This isn’t going anywhere so don’t waste your time or energy.

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2021 06:53

He is a complete waste of your time
Block and delete

Nandocushion · 16/02/2021 06:56

@Newcastleteacake

There is a reason why he is 40 with no experience of long term relationships.

He wants to you be there at his beck and call but will not commit to a relationship.

Do not engage with him any longer, you are wasting your time. Find someone on your wavelength and closer to home.

The only way in which I disagree with most of the other posters here is that they give this guy way too much credit for being interesting, compelling, worthwhile in some sort of way.

He's a MASSIVE loser with zero going for him. That's what you get when you go for 40somethings with no real relationships behind them
He can see that you're a bit insecure so he's trying to make you want him as an ego boost
He's hoping to find someone younger and even less secure than you, but he hasn't found them yet so he's stringing you along just in case
You seriously need to check your self esteem and boundaries. You are apparently an obvious mark and he found you immediately. That's not a flaw, but you need to check it and fix it.

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 16/02/2021 07:29

As someone whose life was screwed up by an avoidant man like this I urge to flee like your life depends on it.

Take everyone's advice. I also say block him completely for good.

This sort of 'relationship' never ends, it drags on for years leaving you mentally and emotionally destroyed. You end up not properly with someone but not available to receive real secure love from anyone else.

I have the T-shirt, the medal and I even graduated to gain the trophy with double honours. I gave the best years of my life to a man who would play the 'rubberband game' Close then distant, near then far, hot then cold, love bombed then love deprived.
Each time he couldn't get close and actually commit it was somehow my fault. I needed to do XYZ...oh but I needed to be ABC...oh but if only I wouldn't keep doing JKL...or if this QRS perfect scenario had only occurred before we met, all would be good and have worked out so we would be properly together.

With someone like this it's the heart. You could get them as far as marriage and he'd not give you the emotional security you need and carry on being distant telling you horrible things like he loves you but not in the right way etc.

These sorts of people are deceptive because on the face of it they may appear better than the partners of people you know ie., they are financially dependable, they are always respectful and don't cheat, when they are with you they otherwise treat you well. They don't forget important things (like valentines day, birthdays etc) you are sexually very compatible and you can have great conversations with them, leading you to stay invested for the potential with never gets realised.

Step away from the game.

Dery · 16/02/2021 07:36

As PP have said, this is why he’s reached 40 with no experience of LTRs. He clearly sees himself as very special but he’s actually a complete prick. Tell him you’re not interested in game-players and shut it down before he causes you even more pain and distress.

Ntwa · 16/02/2021 08:28

@catherineofaragonspomegranate has it spot on.
My recent ex was avoidant, it's one of the hardest relationships I've ever been in. They pull, push, you literally have no idea what's going on.. Or at least that's how I feel.
Spoke to mine last night (my choice) they drip feed to make you feel just enough but also make you feel unsure. It's awful. I'd suggest like others blocking and moving on before you get more hurt and involved