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Original poster

Still sleeping with ex so I don't have to "let go"

28 replies

Newyorkcheesecake7 · 15/02/2021 21:54

Please be kind
I'm a bit embarrassed about this but I'll try and explain as best as I can.

I'm 26 and I was with my ex boyfriend for just over two years, no kids. As far as I know we were happy and didn't have any problems. Around 4 months ago, he broke up with me. I wasn't expecting it at all and one of the main reasons was that he'd "fallen out of love with me". Another reason is that I'm supposedly a very negative person and he felt that it was bringing him down. He moved out back to his dads house two weeks after we broke up.

I'm still in love with him and have really struggled to let go. I am still having sex with him, normally once a week. I don't know if he is sleeping with anyone else, I haven't asked and I don't really want to as I'm afraid of the answer. To him, it is just sex, I know he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. I am doing it because I feel like I don't have to let go completely, cut all contact etc. I don't want a fwb relationship, he knows this. I want more but I know I'll never get that, from him any way.

Realistically, I know this can't go on. I won't ever move on from him if I continue with this but I'm scared to let go, like I won't ever get over him which I know sounds really stupid.

OP posts:
WouldstrokeTomHardy · 15/02/2021 21:57

He's using you. Block him and never see him again for your own sake.

Wheresmyfuckingphone · 15/02/2021 21:57

If he knows you want more and is still happy to have sex with you, he's using your feelings against you and is a total dickhead.
It's not about loving him but loving yourself, you need to have time and space to heal but you can only do it away from him.

Original poster
Newyorkcheesecake7 · 15/02/2021 22:04

He knows how I feel. I know he is using me, having his cake and eating it too.

It started a few weeks after we split. I was at home one night really upset and asked if he would come over just to see me. He said no because he thought it would get my hopes up and make me think we might get back together. Offering him sex was the only way that I'd be able to see him so that's what I did and have been doing for a couple of months now
He is very happy with the arrangement of course

OP posts:
TheByngster · 15/02/2021 22:04

He sounds ghastly. Thoroughly unpleasant. Move on.

Doyoumind · 15/02/2021 22:08

You're putting off the pain of it ending by replacing it with the pain of being treated like shit. Take control and end it. You know it makes sense.

TartanLassie · 15/02/2021 22:11

It's going to hurt if you stop seeing him now. Really, really, really hurt.

How much more do do think it's going to hurt when he stops it, because he has found someone else? And it will be when he stops it not if!

Take back control of your life. Bin him, block and move on. You are just delaying the inevitable, with horrendous consequences.

Happycow · 15/02/2021 22:16

If youre hoping that by sleeping with him, he will 'choose' you im afraid youre wrong.

He is obviously enjoying the fact that youre happy to sleep with him even though youre so upset. Think of it like this - youre choosing to sleep with someone who KNOWS he is hurting you. How is that attractive?

Imagine you DID get back together with him. Could you honestly think well of him in the future knowing how he is capable of treating you now? If you think the answer is 'yes', then id suggest yoir self-esteem is on the floor and thats what you need to work on.

Welshgal85 · 15/02/2021 22:19

I agree with what others have said, you have to end it and stop sleeping with him. He is stringing you along and using you. He just wants casual sex and knows he can get it from you as you want to be with him. I know it will be really hard but continuing as things are is just causing you more hurt. You deserve better than this.

Have you thought about maybe having some counselling for you to help you through this? Relate do counselling for individuals and can help with getting over break ups.

user1654236589623652 · 15/02/2021 22:21

You're harming yourself by doing this.

The emotions you'll go through in grieving the end of this relationship will be temporary and survivable.

Don't trash your self esteem trying to avoid feeling tough emotions for a brief period of your life. That's the kind of damage that can follow you around, whereas the emotions will pass.

cranberrypie · 15/02/2021 22:23

You're just prolonging your new future, you have to stop and get over him. Trust that you will find someone better but have to deal with the pain of letting go first.

Mischance · 15/02/2021 22:27

I know how hard it must be for you - but you cannot use sex as a way of keeping him visiting you. You know he is only coming over to have sex and has no intention of entering into a deeper relationship with you.

Draw a line under this. You owe it to yourself.

Original poster
Newyorkcheesecake7 · 15/02/2021 22:33

Thank you all for your kind messages. I know it makes me look so desperate to do something like this

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 15/02/2021 22:40

I did this with an ex for 2 and a bit years. I had absolutely convinced myself that he really did still love me - because he was wanting to sleep with me, have nights out with me...in reality, he saw me as a drinking pal he could shag.

The only thing that opened my eyes was when we met up after a gap of about 4 months (we'd had a falling out - yet again - about the situation) and he told me that he'd slept with a friend of his...'because we weren't talking, if we had been, it would have been you'....I finally realised I meant nothing to him, if it wasn't me he'd shag the next willing female without a moment's thought.

To my shame I was in my late 30s when this happened...

Bubbles1st · 15/02/2021 22:41

Been there done that, I promise that it's just makes it harder.

You are dragging out the hurt and loneliness but it will still come and when it does you'll be mad that you didn't start healing sooner.

I was hung up for months, hell years on my ex, if I had just accepted it, even when I didn't understand it or ever get the closure I wanted I would have probably done so many things differently.

You've got this, you're strong and you're worthy of someone who does love you.

SilverRoe · 15/02/2021 23:00

Ah I really feel for you. I think a lot of us have been there, it’s hard to let go. But, it gets so much better once you get some space and distance. He’s treating you really badly and being incredibly disrespectful to sleep with you when he’s broken up with you.

I think you need to dig deep and ask yourself is this really the best you want for yourself? The first bit of time away from someone is the hardest, but the more time you spend away from him the stronger you will feel.

Try to think of it this way - every day you spend still clinging on to this man is another day less when you could be healing, getting stronger and then finding someone who would never treat you this way. Try and see not being around him as a positive step each day towards something much better. I know it’s hard to see it now but right now you have tunnel vision to him and longing for what you can’t have - which makes it harder to be open to the potential of what you could have in the future.

StellaAndCrow · 15/02/2021 23:13

I've done this in the past too - he'd call late at night, I'd go round, we'd have sex, he'd say he was busy and needed me to leave. . . I went along with it, I think in retrospect I was still infatuated rather than in love. I wasn't really thinking of how things were from his point of view, or indeed what he was really like, I just had an image in my head of how I'd like things to be, and what this "fantasy man" was like - I really didn't think much about what he was really like.
I'm sorry, it's hard when relationships finish - it took me about six months to feel better after I stopped seeing him at all (and, as someone up thread mentioned, it wasn't even my decision, he told me we had to stop because he'd met someone). It would have been better to have made the decision myself!

EarthSight · 15/02/2021 23:22

The more you have sex with him, touch him, kiss him, the more your body will produce oxytocin - also known as the cuddle or bonding hormone. Women release more of it than men during sex, and it's one of the reason breaks ups are so hard - you are experiencing a kind of withdrawal. You'll find a lot of info on it online.

ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat · 15/02/2021 23:26

Hes being very unfair. You need to try to be strong and stop this.

Original poster
Newyorkcheesecake7 · 15/02/2021 23:36

@EarthSight this actually makes a lot of sense. I will give it a Google, thank you!

OP posts:
Dery · 15/02/2021 23:56

“Try to think of it this way - every day you spend still clinging on to this man is another day less when you could be healing, getting stronger and then finding someone who would never treat you this way. Try and see not being around him as a positive step each day towards something much better. I know it’s hard to see it now but right now you have tunnel vision to him and longing for what you can’t have - which makes it harder to be open to the potential of what you could have in the future.”

This. You’re causing yourself so much harm by clinging on when you should let go. As long as this continues, you’ll just be stuck. As a PP said - imagine how awful you’ll feel when he stops even the booty calls because he’s fallen for someone else (which is what will happen). You’re doing yourself much more harm by clinging on in this desperate manner than would be caused by cutting all ties and moving on.

Find your self-respect, OP. You need to think with your head while you get yourself through this difficult and painful patch.

You absolutely will get over him. And the sooner you start the process of healing, the sooner you will be beyond the pain. Nearly everyone has had their heart broken. If broken hearts didn’t heal, more or less the whole world would be permanently grieving.

Let him go. Do your grieving. Get as busy and interested as possible in other things. Start your recovery today.

LHReturns · 16/02/2021 00:06

Could you swap sex with him for sex with someone else for a bit to lessen some of sting of turning this 'tap off'?

I know that is juvenile advice, but I suspect the chances of you being able to 'just block him' are zero. You want him more than ever, and you are addicted to the physical connection. Anyone possible FWBs around that could oblige (and be nice to you!) while you work on letting go?

JamesMcAvoyswife · 16/02/2021 00:51

I think you need to try and find someone else to have sex with. He doesn’t sound like a very nice person and isn’t obviously going to go somewhere romantically.

Lovelydiscusfish · 16/02/2021 01:00

Bless you, it’s so hard. This man is an utter cunt to treat you like this.,Sack him off. Completely block him, now and forever. One day you will look back and think, Hell yeah, I did that?

And then maybe look to find somebody else, if/when you feel ready? Sometime the best way to get over one man is to get under another (in my honest experience - not the received wisdom I know but it worked for me.....)

Whoscoatsthatjacket · 16/02/2021 07:58

Been there too OP!
I was still shagging my ex on and off for years after we split.
He was quite a bit older than me and I adored him. The sex was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before or since. With us though we did become FWBs. I met someone else and we stopped for a bit.
That relationship ended after 18 months and I got back with my ex for a short while again as FWB.
Then I met my now DH who I fell completely head over heels with.

It’s so hard letting go. The FWB situation worked well for me. But that’s all it was in the end. While we were FWBs I was still going on dates with other men and occasionally sleeping with others too.

The situation worked for me but it’s not for everyone.
I know how hard it is OP. My advice is that to either carry on and use the situation as a FWB until you meet someone or if you don’t feel like you can do that, be brave, send him as text to say you’re not doing this anymore and block him xxx

DinosaurDiana · 16/02/2021 08:01

Block him and get an STI test.

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