Did you find happiness after widowhood?

[peachgreen]

My beloved DH died suddenly last year. Words can't really express how heartbroken I am. It was love at first sight that only grew and grew, and was truly my soulmate. I thanked God every night that I'd found him because he was everything I could have wanted in a husband.

The prospect of living the rest of my life without a romantic connection is a very hard one. I'm 36 and found my greatest fulfilment in marriage and building a family (I have a three year old daughter who is my reason for being). But I honestly can't imagine ever finding anyone who could give me the same kind of happiness my husband did. And I'm not just saying that because I'm grieving - I just can't see how anybody could be as well-suited to me. Friends and family say the same - I know they mean well, but they all keep saying how he was special and our love was one in a million and I was so lucky to have found something most people don't get to, etc - and that's just terrifying me even more.

I wondered if anyone here had gone on to find a second partner after widowhood or knew anyone who had, and who was genuinely as happy? I know nobody will ever replace my husband and I'll never stop loving or missing him but I'm finding it so hard to go on without hope.

Oh op, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your post has brought a tear to my eye

Didn't want to read and run. I haven't experienced this kind of loss. I can't begin to imagine your pain. It sounds like you had the kind of love that people only dream of finding.

I remember at a family friend's wedding - they were in their 50s so older than you, you're so young this is such a tragedy, but they were getting married after both losing their spouse years previously. They met through a hobby. At their wedding they raised a glass to their partners who had passed and thanked them for their love, saying that without them they wouldn't be who they were today.

I hope you meet a second love who you can enjoy the next chapter of your life with who will understand you carrying this love around with you for the rest of your life.

I believe it will come ❤️ hope someone who has experienced this will be along soon to offer more advice. Sending you Love and strength

My good friend has. It took a wee while and he's entirely different to her first husband who died but they're happy

My Dh died when we were 29.
He battled desperately with leukaemia for almost 5 years.
We were still in the honeymoon phase when he died and madly in love and it was utterly devastating.
I felt as though my heart was physically broken and that my life was over. Sadly we had no DC.
It took a few years for me to even contemplate that love might happen to me again. I was so lucky once-how could it happen again?
One of his Aunts said to me "someday there will be someone-not instead of, but in addition to" and that somehow helped.
I knew I loved being married.
I met someone at work-and it just grew quietly and I have been happily married for years and years-3 lovely children and an entirely different but wonderful life.
I'd never have wanted to not have had my first dh-heartbreak and all because we shared a lovely life together and I came to understand that although his story was over mine was not.
Good luck OP.

@mumsiedarlingrevolta that's beautiful, sorry for your loss

[quote User2941]@mumsiedarlingrevolta that's beautiful, sorry for your loss[/quote]
that's very kind of you-I was lucky to have him for as long as I did!!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2586932-Dating-again-gulp-after-being-widowed

This thread in classics is one of my favourites on MN.
Sorry for your loss everything is very fresh and raw for you at the moment but that won't always be the case and you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Aw bless you both. Never walked in your shows as have neither loved nor lost like that. I have heard that saying about in addition to, not instead of and think that is the way to go forward especially when so young. The thread linked above will help you. It is an emotional ride but lovely .

I have. I lost my soulmate 9.5years ago now, and have been with current partner for 18 months. In addition to is a lovely way of putting it. The devastation of losing ur DH is like nothing else. I existed for 7 years. I started living again in the 8th year. Life does go on, and although I don't have the same relationship with my partner as I did with my DH, I am happy and my DC adore him

@mumsiedarlingrevolta
That's lovely 💕 glad you were able to move on and find happiness.

@peachgreen
I hope you and your dd find happiness again, I'm sure you will when the time is right for you.

Felt I had to respond to this post, I lost my fiancé when I was 23 (I'm now 42). We were due to get married the year after he died, so although we weren't married I totally get where you are.

It was awful, an actual physical pain. Felt like my heart was literally breaking, never felt anything like it and hope I never do again.

I'm still searching for someone to share my life with but I wasted years of my life on the wrong men (wish I'd found Mumsnet years earlier!). You WILL love again even though it doesn't feel like it now, and the pain does subside ♥️

I am very sorry for your loss.
Yes l think it is possible to find another love again, if you are open to It and that's what you want.
A lot of books written about being widowed young are by widows who have since found love again. There are also alot of blogs , widowed forums etc.
l know several widowed people who have found love and remarried.
I even know one woman widowed twice and found.love again.
I was also a member of WAY and there were other members , all different stages, happily dating again.
It is natural to feel as you do, but please dont feel this is it.
You are only one year down the line, l used to think my life was over at that stage, but now l am a completely different woman.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was there 7 years ago and have just met someone in the past six months. So totally different but amazing. It took me years to be ready. Give yourself time. You will heal and learn to live with your grief but each year gives you renewed strength and hope💐.

Thank you all so much. And thank you for not judging me for thinking about this so early. I'm not really actively considering dating right now - I just need some hope I think.

@foodiefil That's beautiful. Yes, anyone I met would have to be willing to acknowledge my ongoing love for DH and how important he will always be.

@mumsiedarlingrevolta I'm so sorry you lost your lovely DH. And so glad you found a second love. I like that expression, of it being in addition to. A fellow widow described it being a bit like having a second child - you don't love the first any less, your heart just expands. Although I only have DD so I don't really understand that either!

@Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername I'm so glad your DC adore your new partner. That's another part that concerns me too. I would want someone who could truly love DD and be loved in return, and I know DH would want that for her too.

@ArtfulScreamer Thank you so much for linking that thread - I actually think I remember @somerville posting it and being amazed at her strength and resilience. Never imagined I might have to find it myself! But it was so lovely to read it now. I wept all the way through and it gave me such hope to see that sometimes lightning does strike twice. I really pray that's the case for me. I loved DH so fully and so well. I want that again.

@MrsDaveGrohl78 Thank you, and I'm so sorry you lost your fiance. I spent a long time in "okay" relationships before I met DH and I am desperate not to ever go back to that. DH was a totally different experience and I don't ever want to settle for less. Thank you for reminding me.

Thank you @Moonface123. I'm a member of WAY and have found it an incredible comfort but I guess the nature of it is that a lot of those who have moved on and found happiness are less active in the community. So there aren't quite as many examples of happy second relationships as there are in fact, if that makes sense.

Thank you all again. I was feeling pretty desperate tonight and you have all helped so much.

Thank you @kottontail. I think I need to accept that I can't rush it and I need to be okay being on my own for a while. I'm just so desperate for things to be okay for my DD and I really want her to grow up with a father figure if she can. But I know that can't be rushed either.

Oh op, I'm so sorry for your loss, I just wanted to say that I think you are so brave and you sound like a very strong and sensible person. My next door neighbour was in the exact same position as you a few years back ,she was 38 when her husband suddenly died from a massive brain haemorrhage. It was totally unexpected and he was gone in minutes, she also had a 4 year old daughter at the time. She asked all the same questions as you. Their love was special and he was an amazing husband and father, they were always together as a family, very active and they also worked together in a family business.
She couldn't see a future without him. She joined a walking club a year later and made lots of friends with people of all ages, old and young.
One of the leaders, was very kind to her, they talked about everything and she really opened up to him about her loss and her grief .
He, also had lost his wife of only 8 weeks to suicide 10 years prior. He found walking and hiking a great support to him amd helped clear his head.
They began a relationship together, kept it quiet for a few months and then introduced home to her daughter and family. He is a wonderful kind man and so much fun, her daughter took to him straight away and him to her.em everyone is so happy to see her have a companion again. It's been nearly 4 years since her husband died and she never expected to find love again but she did.
She has not replaced or forgotten her husband, he will always be part of their lives but life is good like that, it will bring people into your life out of the blue and there are so so many good and kind and special people out there. You can have special again,it isn't designed for one person..there are lots of special people out there and you can have a special bond with someone again.
Take it day at a time and keep going. Happier days are ahead xxx

I am a few years older than you and lost DH 2 years ago. I have reconciled myself to being on my own probably for life. Mainly because of the same sort of thing you said in your OP - DH was so well suited to me (the lid to my pot, if you will) and I don't want to settle for anything less. I was in an abusive relationship before meeting DH though so I know what the alternative can look like and will never go there again. As well as that (and this is a really personal opinion, no judgement intended for anyone else at all because I know I'm a bit weird lol) I want DH to be the last person I have sex with. It would feel disloyal to me to be intimate with anyone else, I've only slept with DH and my abusive ex.

I have made peace with my decision now. It is sometimes lonely and I wish I had someone to share nice things with, but I talk to DH a lot and keep him with me so it isn't so bad. I don't have small children though, our DS is an adult. For me, I don't see a bleak and lonely future, but the opportunity to forge my own path and suit myself all the time.

I'm not trying to convince you of anything, here, just sharing my thoughts

peachgreen, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You clearly loved your DH so very deeply.

It's only my opinion, so please feel free to ignore me if it isn't helpful, and I might be completely wrong. But I think a relationship like the one you describe with your DH isn't solely about finding your one in a million. It is about your capacity to create and nurture that kind of love. Not everyone has that capacity, but you do, and I am sure in time you will be able to do it again. Best wishes to you.

@douliket Thank you so much for sharing that, that is so lovely and gives me hope. I very much hope that's out there for me and DD too. As well as losing the most perfect husband she has also lost her incredible Daddy and my first priority is to make sure her life is as good as it possibly can be, even without him, so she will always come first. But I would love to share the joy of her with someone.

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners I'm so sorry you lost your lovely husband. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. I can completely understand and respect the way you feel. I have been in an abusive relationship too and the thought of going back there is hideous. One of my biggest concerns is not settling and ending up in a place like that again. I really appreciate you sharing your way of looking at it - I actually think probably the most mentally healthy thing for me to do would be to accept the same thing but at the moment it seems so hard. But you give me hope it's doable.

@cheeseismydownfall I hope you don't mind but I have taken a screenshot of your post to save and reread when I'm feeling low. I had never thought about that before but it absolutely has struck a chord with me. I do recognise that ability in myself and loving DH was so fulfilling for me because of that I think. Your words are a reminder that person is still in here - maybe now even moreso as I have recognised the fragility and fleeting nature of life and that love is the only thing worth doing (in whatever form that takes, including self love). I really hope I can share that with someone again and you have made me feel that might be possible, if I find someone else with the same capacity.

Hi @peachgreen I think it’s healthy that you are thinking this through really carefully and that you are questioning the comments that your family have made, even if they are well intended to be supportive.

There is a bereavement topic that you might want to have a look at when it’s the right time.

It’s also reassuring that you won’t settle and have some firm standards that you would expect to be met by someone significant and special in your life.

Not my own experience but a friend’s. She lost her fiancé and about a year after entered into a new relationship. It wasn’t right and they just weren’t compatible but it was hard for her to end it, she felt somehow compelled to try and make it work. Her rational self knew she had to, but her emotional self found letting go of things very difficult. She decided that she needed counselling, and found that really beneficial to helping her with emotional decisions and making healthy choices rather than just reacting to events.

She then met her lovely DH. At first I was cynical as he was very different from what I expected compared to her previous relationships however I saw how happy she was and how well he treated and behaved towards her and was overjoyed when they got engaged and married.

I hope my wittering is helpful, I think it’s natural to feel a mixture of conflicting emotions all jumbled up with each other at the prospect of a future relationship, let alone if it’s after losing your DH.

Maybe give the relatives less opportunity to make well meant but unhelpful comments? Or find a few good neutral responses to the comments that make them peter out.

Not me but my partner is a widow. He lost his wife when she was 41. We met 4 years after she died and he says he never thought he meet someone and be in love again, but here we are 4 years later and we're very in love and blissfully happy. He has his moments when we watch something or he has a memory of his wife and it will be emotional and make him cry but imo she should be remembered and it's tragic she died too soon.

I am now friends with their friends and have always been open with them about how hard it must be for them and they all say that they are pleased he's with me and so happy again. He also has children and they are now happy for him and things between us just get better and easier.

Hope your happiness finds you when you're ready

Thank you for this thread OP it really helps not to feel alone. Sometimes I feel no one else knows how much it hurts but I realise that's ridiculous and self indulgent. We're not the only ones.

I felt ready to date again after about three years but ironically that was around last Feb/March so covid stopped that in its tracks. I don't know if I'm ready yet or not, I don't think we can know until we start trying.

I love reading these positive stories.

Thank you so much everyone. I have been so encouraged by your kind and thoughtful responses.

@rainbowshine I'm so glad your friend was able to find happiness. I will definitely have counselling once I'm able to access it face to face again. If I do get into another relationship I want it to be for the right reasons and right now it wouldn't be, I don't think. It's hard with the relatives because I know what they mean and countering them would feel like a betrayal of my memories of DH who was, after all, my soulmate. But it is hard to hear repeatedly that none of them think I'll ever meet anyone as good!

@forumdonkey thank you so much for sharing your perspective. It's wonderful that you're able to love and support your DP through his grief as well as helping him to find new happiness. I hope I can find someone who will do that too. I think loving a widow or widower takes a very special, selfless person. Thank you.

@duchesspodcast I'm so sorry you've lost your love too. It's an unbearable pain. I wish there was something I could do to ease it for you but I know all too well there isn't. Do PM me if you ever need a space to talk, about dating or anything else.

@mif4 Thank you so much for sharing that. What I want more than anything for DD is for her to be happy with her life. Of course I don't ever want her to forget her Daddy but I also don't want her to spend her life regretting his loss - and he wouldn't want that for her either. In fact I know that if he could wave a magic wand and make her forget him entirely and be saved from the pain he absolutely would - his love for her was so selfless. I don't want that of course, but I would love for her to feel she hasn't missed out in some way. So it's really comforting to me to know that you recognise the positive things in your life that have come from the tragedy. That was so so helpful to read. Thank you.

OP I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm in a relationship with a widower. Speaking from the other side of it, as it were, please make very sure that you have grieved enough. A new relationship is for the two people in it, not the late-spouse as well. Of course you will remember, but keep your heart in your new love. I really hope you find someone lovely.