Did you find happiness after widowhood?

[peachgreen]

My beloved DH died suddenly last year. Words can't really express how heartbroken I am. It was love at first sight that only grew and grew, and was truly my soulmate. I thanked God every night that I'd found him because he was everything I could have wanted in a husband.

The prospect of living the rest of my life without a romantic connection is a very hard one. I'm 36 and found my greatest fulfilment in marriage and building a family (I have a three year old daughter who is my reason for being). But I honestly can't imagine ever finding anyone who could give me the same kind of happiness my husband did. And I'm not just saying that because I'm grieving - I just can't see how anybody could be as well-suited to me. Friends and family say the same - I know they mean well, but they all keep saying how he was special and our love was one in a million and I was so lucky to have found something most people don't get to, etc - and that's just terrifying me even more.

I wondered if anyone here had gone on to find a second partner after widowhood or knew anyone who had, and who was genuinely as happy? I know nobody will ever replace my husband and I'll never stop loving or missing him but I'm finding it so hard to go on without hope.

@ArtfulScreamer

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2586932-Dating-again-gulp-after-being-widowed

This thread in classics is one of my favourites on MN.
Sorry for your loss everything is very fresh and raw for you at the moment but that won't always be the case and you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

This is absolutely my favourite thing to have ever read on MN. I sound a bit sad (I have a full and busy life - promise!) but I often think of Somerville and how she and her family are all doing.

OP, I recognise you from your thread last year and think of you too. I think your absolute love for your DH might, in time, release you to find love again, in a funny sort of way. You won’t be scared of detracting from your marriage to him, or compromising it, because it was so real and so amazing.

I really hope you and your DD are doing okay.

@peachgreen I remember you posting when you lost your DH. I didn't contribute as I didn't feel I had anything useful to add & I could see you were getting a lot of good support from those who shared your experiences & could reach & help you far better, but I did think of you. I'm glad you are doing as well as you can be.

I was also going to link to Somerville's thread which is a true classic.

I've known a couple of people who have formed wonderful new relationships after they've been widowed & I agree with @cheeseismydownfall in that the capacity to have this again will come from you, from the sort of warm, loving, emotionally intelligent person that you are. It's seemed to me that those who have been widowed carry their success at their first relationship into the next one somehow. I appreciate this is a generalisation, but I think there is truth in there.

I wish you & your little DD a great future.

@BatshitCrazyWoman Thank you for your perspective, I really appreciate it. I just wanted to clarify what you meant. DH will always be part of my life because not only will I always love him, he will always be DD's father. So there will always be photos of him and I will always talk about him with love. However, I certainly won't get into a relationship until I am able to love someone else without making comparison. Is that the sort of thing you mean?

Thank you @MeanMrMustardSeed. I know what you mean and I very much hope so. Loving and being loved by DH has definitely made me a better person and I would bring that to another relationship I hope.

Thank you so much @MrsCalypsoGrant. What a lovely thing to say. I will try to hold on to that. He certainly taught me what love should look like.

My husband died nearly 14 years ago. Two years ago I met someone I am now very happy with. So yes you can be happy with somebody again.
I believe part of the reason this is possible is because we are changing all the time. We just don’t realise it. I have been enormously changed by being widowed and bringing up my two children by myself. I look back now and think some of the things I have learned have been very valuable even though it has been traumatic and horrible at times. But I can only see that now. I fought against trying to make a new life, I thought I couldn’t do it. You progress but you don’t realise it, and it happens in spite of you. Then you look back and see how far you’ve come. The thing that helped me most was friends, actually. They were the ones that really got me through it.
You won’t be the same person, but it happens so gradually you will be okay with it. And in that new space you might find you want to be with someone else and that becomes the right thing for you.

Yes.

Widowed at 33 when pregnant and with a three year old. Met DP at 37, we live together now as a blended family. We're all happy.

Should add. In my support group of 6 widows, all widowed in their 30's, 5 of us now live with partners, one chooses to focus on other things.

Thank you @didthosefeetinancienttimes. I definitely feel myself changing. I never thought I'd survive this, for a start. And yet here I am. It's hard to imagine ever being so different that I could find someone who would be better suited to me than DH was though. I lamented to my cousin the other day "who would love an overweight sad widow with a three year old" and she pointed out that DH would have - and she's totally right, he's exactly the kind of person who could be in a relationship with someone in my circumstances. Which is very frustrating! But I really hope I also find someone special. I definitely don't ever want to settle. I'm so sorry about your DH and I think it's incredible that you raised your children alone. And I'm so happy you've met somebody now. Thank you for sharing.

@BatshitCrazyWoman sadly grief doesn't end, but you learn to live with it, if your partner still talks of his spouse it is not reflective of his feelings for you, I promise. The heart is big enough.

Thank you @WaterBottle123. That is so reassuring. I'm so sorry for your loss and so glad you're happy now. Do you mind if I ask if your then 3yo has coped okay with it all?

@peachgreen

She has. She has bad patches but overall she is happy, normal child and she loves DP.

Thank you @peachgreen I wish you every happiness, I hope it doesn’t sound like too odd a thing to say.

Thank you @didthosefeetinancienttimes - that doesn't sound odd at all, but incredibly kind.

I'm so glad @waterbottle123. Her being happy and well adjusted is my number one priority.

I have heard people say that loving someone new post widowhood is a bit like having a second child - you don't have to love the first any less, your heart just expands and there is room for both.

Hi, OP.

I'm sorry for your loss. The short answer is yes I did. It took time though. Happy to pm to chat.

Ah OP, sending you so much love.

I’m four years on, widowed at 37, and I still miss DH so specifically - everything that made him him. You’ll know what I mean. In fact it’s stronger at the moment because my eldest is having such troubles, and DH would be just the support both DS and and I need right now.

We got through 3.5 years of DH’s illness, and now I’ve managed 4 years bringing them up alone, and things are at such a stressy point at the moment I cannot imagine looking for a partner, nor do I want one right now.

I know things will pan out, in large part due to my sheer bloody mindedness, and the credit shall be mine and my children’s alone.

We are a whole family, the three of us - it’s taken me time to realise that - and I think it’s vanishingly unlikely I’ll meet a man as good as the one I had.

But it’s okay. I have plans. My own plans. It’s not just about the kids. I’m enough, on my own.

I hope there is fulfilment and joy and all the good things just around the corner for you. Clearly you have been loved by a wonderful man and nothing will ever take that away.

My heart aches for you all but the way you all write serves to remind me of the resilience of the human spirit and its capacity to love.

I wish you all so much love, happiness and strength.

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate your kind words.

@tunnocksreturns2019 I'm so sorry you lost your lovely DH. I know exactly what you mean about missing everything that made him him. I can't imagine ever not missing that. DH was a beautiful person and just perfectly suited to me. It's hard to imagine anything ever comparing. But I so want to believe I can be happy again. Maybe I need to be happy alone first.

Yes I did. I didn't plan to meet anyone else, with small children I couldn't see how it would work anyway, as they had already had enough disruption and grief in their lives. But I went to a party (rare night out) a few years after DH died, and reconnected with someone I had known as a child and grown up with. And one thing (eventually) led to another. We've been together six years now, the DC love him and so do I.

Thank you @Haylley - that's wonderful to hear. I'm so happy for you.

My dad died when I was 13 and my mum 40. She elected not to look for anyone else, believing that she had had the best. She's now 65. She's spent the vast majority of the last 15 years caring for her own parents who are now both dead. She describes herself as 'content' and derives a lot of pleasure from my DS, but I very much wish she had met someone else. Her life would have been happier and she would have had someone, other than me, to help her with her burdens.

I'm not sure how I would have dealt with a potential stepfather, and obviously now I'll never know, but I'm 38 and if my DH was to pass away (God forbid) it would seem like a long time to be on my own.

I would give yourself time but remain open to the possibility of someone enhancing the life you'll build for you and DD, not changing it.

[quote peachgreen]@BatshitCrazyWoman Thank you for your perspective, I really appreciate it. I just wanted to clarify what you meant. DH will always be part of my life because not only will I always love him, he will always be DD's father. So there will always be photos of him and I will always talk about him with love. However, I certainly won't get into a relationship until I am able to love someone else without making comparison. Is that the sort of thing you mean?

Thank you @MeanMrMustardSeed. I know what you mean and I very much hope so. Loving and being loved by DH has definitely made me a better person and I would bring that to another relationship I hope.

Thank you so much @MrsCalypsoGrant. What a lovely thing to say. I will try to hold on to that. He certainly taught me what love should look like.[/quote]
The man I'm in a relationship with is fine. I've read a lot around relationships with widowers (I don't know if this is specifically an issue with men who've lost their wives) and the kind of things I mean are keeping all of the late spouse's belongings, turning the house into a shrine (photos everywhere, not changing anything), using widowerhood as a reason for awful behaviour, and possibly the most hurtful for the new partner, lots of tribute posts on social media.