DD trying to leave an abusive relationship. How can I help her?

[PinkLillyB]

DD20 has been with her BF (27) for almost 3 years now.

Mid December she ended the relationship. He had cheated the year before and she had tried to work through it but they were arguing non-stop.

She told me about the cheating and the arguing and said he wasn't very supportive about her anxiety around trusting him. The girl he cheated with had also been physically violent with DD and she had some anxiety around threats of more etc

She said they text occasionally and she missed him but knew it was for the best.

She came to stay this weekend and last night admitted that he had been very physically abusive this past 18 months. He was arrested a year ago after a stranger saw him beat her and drag her from his car. She wouldn't press charges and stayed with him.

Since she told him it is over he is constantly sending texts or calling her. If she doesn't reply or answer he calls her friend or turns up at her home / work / college. She has a very limited routine due to her anxiety so he knows where to find her.

She knows that blocking him and having no contact is the right thing to do but she is scared he will just turn up constantly. She feels like she is 'keeping him calm' buy allowing him text / phone access and only meeting him every couple of weeks as 'friends'. But when she has met him he is snatching her phone to check if she is seeing someone new, pushing to start again etc.

I have asked her to stay here for a few more days so we can figure out what to do. I want her to block him and go to the police but she won't. How can I help her?

I am gutted my beautiful gentle daughter has been so hurt and is so crushed. She is so scared to make him angry but also so confused by still feeling love for him. I just don't know how to make her better.

That's really horrible. She needs to get a restraining order against him.

Why don't you look at accessing local domestic abuse services? They are very knowledgeable and supportive.

I'd speak to the Police by ringing 101

Can you direct her to the Freedom Programme online, to give her the strength to finally rid herself of him?

Would she call Women’s Aid? They might be able to advise her. Hearing it from someone who is not you might help her face up to what needs to be done.

The age gap is a worry anyway. She was only 17 when she started seeing him and he was 24?

Agree The Freedom Programme could help her gain perspective

Tell her not to worry about any possessions. They can all be replaced.

I used to wish that somebody would turn up and ''rescue'' me because I wasn't feeling very strong when I was in an abusive relationship. So tell her to leave and then together you'll sort out all the administrative practicalities of having relocated.

It always seems like such a hard decision before you leave, and then after you leave, you feel relief.

Freedom Programme.

Check out the BITE model from cults and brainwashing as she's been in a one man cult for the years!

Get educated, these might help, read the Lundy book first to find out her abuser type:

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Information on sick systems:
www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

The shark explanation:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/amp/

The opening chapter of this book is a great read:
Power
amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A]]

For more details:
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

CAn she get a new number, live at home and repeat a year next year?

She shouldn't have to but getting head space from these crazies isn't easy

Thanks for your replies.

She is currently napping on the couch so I'm desperately googling trying to come up with something to tell her to make her see that this needs to be stopped as a cycle.

She is refusing to talk with women's aid at the moment. I won't push her but will make sure she has the details if she changes her mind.

@Justtryingtobehelpful

Freedom Programme.

Check out the BITE model from cults and brainwashing as she's been in a one man cult for the years!

Get educated, these might help, read the Lundy book first to find out her abuser type:

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

]]

Information on sick systems:
www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

The shark explanation:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/amp/

The opening chapter of this book is a great read:
Power
amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A]]

For more details:
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser ]]

This is all really helpful thank you so much for taking the time to help us.

Referral to local domestic violence services. She doesn't have to go to the police and they can help signpost her and through the court process for a non molestation order (civil not criminal), onto courses (including freedom programme but not only that), and depending on local provision offer 1:1 counselling and support

Has she agreed to stay a few more days OP? I'd suggest that's the best place to start.

Can she phone the docs and get signed off? That will a) start a paper trail and b) give her a little bit of breathing space. If you can at least get her to block him when she's at home with you that is a huge step forward. Every little bit of control she gets back is psychologically important.

@Justtryingtobehelpful has posted some great resources that you can read too.

At 20 - to be honest I'd be saying come home and we'll start again. She can transfer college/get a new job etc. I know she probably won't want to do this though.

She needs to make the college aware. They can ban him from campus. Unless he goes there too?

Your daughter can apply for a non molestation order which will prevent him from contacting her. I had to do this in the past and also had my number flagged with police so that if I were to call they should come to my home immediately.

Unfortunately leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous part. It is really, really good that she is ending things, but it is important to be careful and have safeguards in place as it's not like leaving a normal relationship and things often escalate when you leave.

I am no expert but it seems to me that it is important once she does decide to end it for good that she does not ever meet up with him again, even if it is framed as "just as friends/for old times sake" as he will be even more dangerous once she has left him.

I agree with others that it sounds like a good idea to stay with you for a bit while she thinks things through and gets some space. Calling the GP is also a good idea, to start documenting. You could also help her by taking down some notes of the things that she has told you (no pressure on her though) as she'll likely have to regurgitate all this info many times in future and the more details the better.

I'm sorry that you are both going through this, your daughter is lucky to have such a good mum that she can turn to.

Oh that's awful, poor girl. Thank god shes confided in you, that's a really brave first step. I hope she will stay with you a while longer, to give her some thinking space. Personally I'd want to tell the nasty fucker to back off / call the police too. But appreciate you need to respect what your daughter wants.

Totally agree with sorrypleasetryagain. Please try to emphasise the bit about not meeting up in person for any reason.
Let her know that just because she may not want to take a particular step at the moment it doesn't mean that she can't change her mind later and that if she does decide to go ahead at any point you will support her.

I agree Lundy bankrofts book would be a good choice in this scenario.

Also direct her to melanie tonia Evans videos on narcissists on youtube. Infact there are lots of good youtube vlogger on the subject. The sooner she can drop thus false idea that there is a good and bad version of him, the better. Its all bad.

I would also suggest that you give Solace/Womens Aid a call yourself, maybe when your daughter is out/sleeping? If you explain the situation to them and that she is reluctant to call they may be able to give you some general advice on how she should go about exiting the relationships safely.

I know I am repeating myself but it is so important that there is a safety plan in place as once she makes clear that it really is over, and once he truly believes this will be the most dangerous time.

Solace could maybe advice you as her mother on how you can help her to plan for this, how you can best support her in practical terms?

Have a look at this OP - the phrase you want is 'trauma bond'

www.thehotline.org/resources/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/

And you are a good mum.

Your immediate concern here is her physical safety from this very dangerous man.

I would speak to the police directly and tell them everything you have said in your OP. He has already been arrested for one incident with witnesses so already known to them. His current actions are controlling, stalking and harassment. She has also been the victim of much more violence already and her life is in danger right now.

They will take it seriously and manage it sensitivity with her if she won’t go to them. That would be my first action.

Beyond that your DD is likely b traumatised and suffering PTSD. She needs v thorough and specific therapy for this.

Is she drinking or taking any other substances to numb the pain - because development of addictions is often another complication.

You are a great Mum - keep her safe. As others have said college etc can take a break - her emotional recovery is critical.

I would be sorely tempted to go round to the bullying little arsehole's house, with my partner AND some large friends from work, and let him know exactly what we think of "men" who beat up young girls...but i appreciate that you may not be in a position to do this.

What does your DD want to do? Because really, thats the crucial part of all this.

She needs to go to a rescue. X

I don't suppose she has ever requested a Clare's Law disclosure via the police? It's entirely possible he has history.

A couple of years ago I supported a friend through the aftermath of leaving a very dangerous man. One place I found support for myself during all of that was the Refuge Helpline 0808 2000 247. As well as offering advice they were happy to just listen to me as I offloaded some of the emotion I was feeling.

Someone else posted about trauma-bonding, and getting your head round that will help you understand some of your DD's responses and reluctance.
Being on the sidelines of this requires a great deal of patience and understanding, you will experience a lot of frustration. Make sure you get support for yourself, be that here or via helplines etc.

Because he is violent, if I were her, I'd want to move to another city with a new phone and a fresh start.
I'd text him once from the old phone saying that I won't be in touch again, but that I'm fine - going travelling and getting a fresh start. No drama, wishing him well etc.
Otherwise I feel he would track me down under the pretence of 'being worried about me'.
Does she have any friends or relatives she could stay with while she makes a fresh start in another city? With these men, I suspect he'll move onto his next victim soon and she can come back to visit in 6 months without worrying he'll grab her.
Getting the police orba molestation order now, doesn't free her up to walk around the same area without fear.