I've met someone but it's complicated...

[Brightskiesahead]

And I don't know what to do.

Ive worked with this person for 18 months. We've always got on very well. 6 months ago I told him I was separating from my DH and now divorcing and I'm moving out soon. He sent me some messages back then saying how we cared for me and thought the world of me. I brushed it off as I wasn't in the head space. Fast forward to now and things have developed between us. It feels so right being with him, possibly because of the work relationship we have developed. He's the whole package and we have great sexual chemistry too. But...his ex wife is stopping him seeing his daughter whilst he is seeing me. She thought we were having an affair last year (we weren't). His Mum also says he can't be with my otherwise he will loose his daughter forever.

He's so incredibly stressed by this situation. He wants us both but feels he can't. Any advice?

In all honesty as much as you like this man, it all sounds way too complicated. There are plenty more men out there without all the hassle or the possible guilt regarding his daughter. If you really are into him, I would suggest that you take a rain check for now and let the courts dictate access etc first. Then nothing can be pinned on you at a later date.

Things seem to have moved very quickly.

Too much too soon and not meant to be. You haven't even moved out of your marital home and you're pie-eyed over another man. Walk away and take some time out from dating and relationships, bloody hell, you're still married and living in the marital home!

You don't say when he split from his wife

Has he split from his wife so he can start seeing you?

If you have only recently started seeing him then I'm not sure why his Mum and ex-wife need to know about your relationship

When did he split with his Ex wife and how long have you been together OP?

His child access arrangements should have nothing at all to do with you. He should be taking the necessary steps he needs to secure proper access if his XW is being difficult. The fact that he’s burdening you with it is a bit of a red flag for me TBH. The truth is that there is beef between him and his XW that would be present whatever women he was seeing, and needs sorting either way.

Honestly, this relationship is too complicated right now. If it’s right then it wil still be right when you’ve both sorted out your respective matrimonial issues and child arrangements. If you continue now then all the drama is going to destroy your relationship, which in turn will mess up your work relationship as well.

It all sounds too convenient and if I was his ex, I'd be questioning the timeline of your 'relationship' too.

If you do value the future of his relationship with his child, you will take a step back until the complications are resolved. You need to sort out your moving out of your marital home etc too. It's all too much drama, so early into a new relationship. His priority should be his child.

Was his ex not his ex six months ago?

We you were clearly having an emotional affair at the very least. What she's doing is very wrong but she may calm down as time goes my and she realises she's rid herself of a cheat.

Him seeing his children has nothing to do with you and his ex and mother are clearly trying to control him. Do not let them dictate your lives whether you were the OW or not! Tell him to go to court and fight for his children and stop negotiating with his ex when she is clearly bitter and abusive

Leg it.

Speaking as an ex wife. It's none of his ex's business and she will have to get over herself. If she IS an ex, the best thing this man can do is not rise to her provocation under any circumstances. Stay calm.

He should carry on with the previous childcare arrangements and if she won't let him, a solicitor's letter is necessary. Putting her child in the middle of all this is rubbish of her.

Are you really sure she's an ex?

Are you sure the exW is actually an ex?
Because she can’t really not allow him seeing his kids if he is dating.
Or maybe he is using it as an excuse.
If he they can’t agree child arrangements between themselves - he needs to go to court and have ironed out there.

Fast forward to now and things have developed between us.

When did this actually RS start?

When did his marriage end?

Where is he at legally re financials and access?

Put the little girl first?

My ex used me as a way to end a relationship. I had a message from his girlfriend at the time asking why I had an issue with her being around my son. I didnt even know he was in a relationship to have an issue, and I wouldn't have had an issue if I did know.

So that is another angle where this could be coming from. "Oh I really want to be with you, but do you really expect me to stop seeing my child so that I can?"

He sent me some messages back then saying how we cared for me and thought the world of me.

Was this out of nowhere or were you messaging frequently? Sounds like she would not be unreasonable to read that and assume emotional affair.

I would suggest that he gets a formal custody agreement in place and then pull away. He will do it if he really wants to be with you.

But...his ex wife is stopping him seeing his daughter whilst he is seeing me.

She has no right to do this.
As they were married he must be on her birth certificate and have parental responsibility.

He should tell her he'll do what he needs to do to ensure he sees his daughter, but in all honesty, with this kind of grief already, it's going to be nothing but stress. An ex who feels you were the OW is going to create merry hell and make things very difficult.

I don't quite understand why she knows about you already, when it doesn't look like there's been enough time for a serious relationship to develop if you just told him you were separating 6 months ago.

How long has he been divorced?
How long have you been in a relationship with him?
Why did he tell her about you at this point?

You’re still living with your husband. Calm it all right down. Why does his ex even know about you? Why would you be anywhere near his child at this point?

This just sounds like a lot of messiness. I don't deal well with that kind of thing so I would step away. But only you know how much mess you want in your life! It doesn't sound like it would go away any time soon with the ex, daughter, mil...so much mess

It's not your mess to sort. He should be formalising contact so that she can't make demands like that, and if he isn't then you need to bin him because he's not taking you seriously.

Expect there's other reasons he isn't seeing his child though

@AnneLovesGilbert

You’re still living with your husband. Calm it all right down. Why does his ex even know about you? Why would you be anywhere near his child at this point?

This. All sounds like it's moving very fast given the background. Plus he has clearly had this in mind for a good while and saw your text about your husband as the green light to go. That's not your fault, but I do see why it will have riled his ex.

If she suspected an affair only last year, then it suggests he was still married and in a relationship with her at that time, which also indicates they’re not divorced yet? It sounds like you’re minimising the role you played in the break up. I’m not saying that anyone has the right to deny their child contact with the other parent, but maybe his affair, because let’s be honest here, that’s what it was, is still quite raw with her and she’s struggling to accept you into her DD’s life.