I've met someone but it's complicated...

[Brightskiesahead]

And I don't know what to do.

Ive worked with this person for 18 months. We've always got on very well. 6 months ago I told him I was separating from my DH and now divorcing and I'm moving out soon. He sent me some messages back then saying how we cared for me and thought the world of me. I brushed it off as I wasn't in the head space. Fast forward to now and things have developed between us. It feels so right being with him, possibly because of the work relationship we have developed. He's the whole package and we have great sexual chemistry too. But...his ex wife is stopping him seeing his daughter whilst he is seeing me. She thought we were having an affair last year (we weren't). His Mum also says he can't be with my otherwise he will loose his daughter forever.

He's so incredibly stressed by this situation. He wants us both but feels he can't. Any advice?

I think you need to take a big step back. His daughter will obviously come first, I would be questioning why his Exw would be still involved so much to know about you and assume You would be near their child. Are you still live with your husband you say? It is all very complicated situation and I would say not worth getting involved in.

He needs to step back and sort out proper access to his daughter. That should come before anything.

I have just re-read properly and I can now say that you are definitely trying to minimise the part you played in your affair with this man and his ex-wife is probably still reeling from the news of you to and quite rightly so. I would suggest telling him straightaway that you will not get involved in him and his daughters relationship and you know that that must come first. I also strongly suspect that he is Not divorced from this woman and could even be in a relationship with her still

His dd should come first. If having a relationship with you means he won’t see his dd then he shouldn’t be seeing you.

But...his ex wife is stopping him seeing his daughter whilst he is seeing me

He should be getting advice and pursuing access via legal means then.

He's so incredibly stressed by this situation

He needs to ease some of that stress by getting on with sorting contact arrangements

He wants us both but feels he can't

Does he now? I bet if you suggest seeing each other on the sly, he will be most happy.

This man is not a keeper. He doesn't need to burden you with his issues but he's doing so to get you where he wants you. He doesn't see you as a life partner and he's playing on your sympathy now to get what he wants.

Take a step back. & Sort out your own relationship loose ends.

OP this guy is a predator who has sensed your vulnerability and is capitalising on it.
Workplace romances are nothing but trouble and this one seems as complicated as it comes.
Put a stop to it now before you become too involved and work on sorting your own life out. You don't need a guy with this kind of baggage.

@AnitaB888

OP this guy is a predator who has sensed your vulnerability and is capitalising on it. Workplace romances are nothing but trouble and this one seems as complicated as it comes. Put a stop to it now before you become too involved and work on sorting your own life out. You don't need a guy with this kind of baggage.

That's a bit of a leap isn't it? How have you gathered he's a predator from what OP has written here?

His ex can't stop him seeing his daughter. He needs to sort custody out through court if necessary.

But I'd tread carefully. All seems too soon and messy still.

Bit weird you were getting divorced, he made a play at you while still with his ex & you are very vague about this part.

Then all of a sudden you're together & his family hate you & ex is upset.

It sounds like some type of emotional affair was at play here. That your divorce was the catalyst for this bloke to make his move.

OP is not a victim of a predator - she has her own agency & has decided to go out with a guy who is still in the midst of a messy break up.

I say drop this wet blanket who insists on being so laid back they will let their ex & mother walk all over them.

Even if you had had a full blown affair it would not give the ex grounds to refuse him access.

The fact he won't stand up for himself would be a major turn off IMO

@ShalomToYouJackie
"That's a bit of a leap isn't it? How have you gathered he's a predator from what OP has written here?"

Because I have seen it play out so many times in the workplace and it never ends well.

Why would you even entertain carrying on something that is this complicated. Haven't you been through enough shit going through a divorce right now....

Just step away from drama.

Oh dear. This relationship is bad news for several reasons.

You're still legally married and living in the marital home. (Have you formally agreed with your husband that you're separated? Because it sounds a bit woolly otherwise. )

You work with this guy which complicates things. I know some relationships start at work but it's often not ideal even for single people.

It's unclear when and why this man separated/divorced. His ex's reaction suggests you may have been at least part of the reason for their split. Was this another woolly undiscussed "separation" when he started making his declarations.

His ex is kicking off. This is a pain, however you're relationship started.

There is an innocent child in the middle being treated like a bargaining chip.

His bloody mother is sticking her oar in already!!!

Enough reasons. Steer well clear. Note trouble than it's worth.

I'm also wondering how his ex knows anything about you. If they separated and he started seeing you, there's no reason for him to tell her. Just as he wouldn't tell her if he was hooking up with people on Tinder. His child shouldn't have met or spent any time with you.
I also think you slow down dating anyone until you are out of the marital home. That causes an awful, toxic atmosphere. If you have DC, that's really hard for them. Mum lives here but has another man. Just as it would be if your DH was doing it.

@honeylulu

Oh dear. This relationship is bad news for several reasons.

You're still legally married and living in the marital home. (Have you formally agreed with your husband that you're separated? Because it sounds a bit woolly otherwise. )

You work with this guy which complicates things. I know some relationships start at work but it's often not ideal even for single people.

It's unclear when and why this man separated/divorced. His ex's reaction suggests you may have been at least part of the reason for their split. Was this another woolly undiscussed "separation" when he started making his declarations.

His ex is kicking off. This is a pain, however you're relationship started.

There is an innocent child in the middle being treated like a bargaining chip.

His bloody mother is sticking her oar in already!!!

Enough reasons. Steer well clear. Note trouble than it's worth.

Totally 100% on the money.

Unfortunately it’s nothing to do with his ex who he sees! He needs to take the necessary legal steps if she’s blocking visitation. If the roles were reversed and the bloke was stopping his ex wife seeing the children that would never be allowed! Would be seen as controlling, psycho behaviour.

There's a big red flag! That you should be seeing here.
You aren't even properly together and he is being controlled by his ex and his mum.
If he won't stand up to them now then you are looking at a potential lifetime of interference from these other women in his life if you got together.
The situation with his ex and his dd is HIS problem to sort and he should be man enough to do that without involving you at this point. And as for his mum - sounds like she has too much control in his life.
You've just got divorced. You don't need him and all his baggage. Tell him to sort his shit out and you'll see him when he's available ... or go and find someone who is less like hard work.

I’d step away, it’s far too messy and at some point I wouldn’t be surprised if he blames you for not being able to see his child- he’ll trot out the ‘I gave everything up for you’

What a lot of drama.

Do yourself and everyone else - especially his DD - a favour and break it off.

I met my DH at work, whilst single (I had been divorced for a year or so) when my now DH let me know he had separated from his wife.

We'd always got on at work really well and I always secretly fancied him so I was rather pleased, although I needed to understand the wife/ex wife situation before I proceeded.

It transpires she left him a few months before, and moved out of their home. She'd decided to try to bully him into selling the house and he'd decided to not fall for it. So despite her leaving and moving out, ending the relationship, she was of course furious that he hadn't 'chased her' and rather, had decided to move on with his life and for a good few months played the 'scorbed ex wife' to all and sundry.

That was until it came out that she had in fact been seeing her boss for some months, and even before the split.

What I'm saying is, relationships are complicated, people can play a part of the jilted partner or they could be genuine. What OP needs to work out is whether this man cheated on his wife to pursue her, because if so, there's no end to the hell the exW is likely to throw her way.

If he'd genuine been split up and was trying to move on, then of course she's being entirely unreasonable and very unfair on the little girl.

I think only OP knows the true situation, but if he did leave his ex W for her then I think she would be wise to take a step back for breathing space, and see what happens, not least so that he can regain the relationship with his daughter. Under no circumstances should your relationship get in the way of that.

We've now been married for 4 years, together for 8 and are very happy. But I was sure of the circumstances at the time were genuine. If there's any chance your partner left his wife and little girl for you, then you've a long hard complicated slog ahead of you OP. Take a breather, let the dust settle, and see what happens of you ask him for a break. Will he wait? Or will he just run back to his exW? That will be the question.

What OP needs to work out is whether this man cheated on his wife to pursue her, because if so, there's no end to the hell the exW is likely to throw her way.

The exW would be the least of her worries if he had indeed cheated on his xW.....being with a cheater is your biggest burden.

Was he still with his wife and child when he was sending you texts 6 months ago?