Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long do you give chatting to someone without a date before you give it up as a bad job and move on?

26 replies

TwinkleTwinkleLittleStar2021 · 15/02/2021 11:03

As the title says really. I’m separated and have only had one brief fling since my husband so I am extremely out of touch at this dating thing now.

I’ve been chatting to someone for 7 months now. He’s in a high risk area for lockdown and I am not, he’s a couple of hours drive away from me which in itself isn’t a deal breaker but lockdown Hmm He originally found me through a Facebook group we are both in. We hit it off and what started off as just friends progressed after a couple of months to sexting and finding myself a bit more emotionally invested than perhaps I should be with someone who I still haven’t yet met face to face. We were just getting to the point where we were talking about meeting up when restrictions were brought back in for his area followed a few weeks later by full lockdown.

His work is quite stressful at the moment. I know he is working long hours, he’s short staffed anyway and he keeps having staff having to isolate etc. They have also had to completely close down and deep clean a couple of times due to positive cases. Over the last 3-4 weeks he has dropped off how much he messages me. I’m still getting my good morning messages and probably 4 or 5 messages throughout the day/evening but the frequency of communication has reduced considerably and the sexting has reduced to a bit of mild flirtation. I can understand that he’s busy, he’s tired etc but part of me still thinks that if he was still keen then he would probably make a bit more time to communicate, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable thinking that but I’m so out of touch with what is normal in a potential relationship now. There’s also not been any mention of “when we can get together” recently.
It’s completely possible that I’m just allowing my epic amount of insecurities to rule my head and I’m being unreasonable when he’s obviously pushed at work. But that little nagging voice is there at the back of my head that says that he’s stringing me along & that I was foolish allowing myself to get involved. I really like him when we do communicate and he does seem like a genuine, nice guy. I’m scared of being friend zoned. I’d forgotten how hard dating is Confused

OP posts:
litterbird · 15/02/2021 11:10

Have you facetimed, do you actually chat on the phone or is it just texting? If not and you are just texting then he is probably losing interest. That is completely natural for todays problems. No one can meet, no one can truly get to know each other so naturally things just wane. You have over invested for sure. In normal times if there isn't a meet up or a scheduled meet up within a few days of chatting then I used to just move on. Due to the sexting stopping then its highly likely his attention is on someone else now, probably closer and he is getting interested in her. It happens and its just how it is. Dont think that it is you, its not, its just the situation right now that we find ourselves in. Try and wait it out for a bit more until things open up and you can find someone closer who is willing to meet with you within a week. Good luck.

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 15/02/2021 11:12

I advise you visit the dating thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4147426-Dating-Thread-199-Come-on-2021 and in particular look at the tried and tested 'rules' in the OP.

My personal rule was 'two weeks to meet'. Even with lockdown, this situation sounds dodgy and hurtful to you OP. I'm sorry but you should consider taking a massive step back, in my opinion.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 15/02/2021 11:18

But that little nagging voice is there at the back of my head that says that he’s stringing me along & that I was foolish allowing myself to get involved

Sorry, but I think you need to listen to your nagging voice!

When I did OLD a few years ago, I learnt that it was best to arrange a date as soon as you've established a bit of rapport with someone, ideally within about a week. Otherwise, it's far too easy to create a false intimacy by texting all the time, when you think that you are in relationship but in reality you've never actually met and you might not fancy each other. Obviously things are a bit different now, as it's much less easy to meet in person, but it does sound as though you've over-invested and he's lost/is losing interest.

cranberrypie · 15/02/2021 11:20

I wouldn't wait 7 months I'd wonder if he was really single. Longest I waited to meet someone was a month but ideally within 2 weeks.
Time to take a bit of control, ask him for a phone/video call, ask when are we meeting then? Stop responding if he can't give you a date.

Date others too if you're not already, do t invest in this one man, who may never have any intention of meeting up, plus you may not fancy him in real life.

bangheadhere40 · 15/02/2021 11:25

Don't do it! Surely you could have met by now?

ravenmum · 15/02/2021 11:26

I was going to say "a few days".

Not 7 months, that's for sure.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleLittleStar2021 · 15/02/2021 11:30

Thanks all. You have confirmed exactly what I think. Yes, it’s difficult with covid etc but if he would actually commit to saying that as soon as lockdown ends then we will do xyz I would be happy enough for now. I think I’ve been taken for mug and he’s just been getting off on some no strings sexting but now lost interest. Probably found someone else to chat to.

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 15/02/2021 11:37

I only say as it took a few months for one to meet me with no covid, a huge mistake on my part.

We carried on being in touch then it took another few to meet again before dating for a few months and him then deciding he couldn't have a relationship.

I basically wasted a year of my life waiting for someone that could give me nothing. He was always snowed under at work etc...

I deluded myself I think but it is true if they want to they will make plans, even if in the future.

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone! The hurt this man put me through was awful. He still doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

ravenmum · 15/02/2021 11:37

As someone else said, I'd recommend chatting to, say, three at a time, so that you don't feel obliged to any of them (and you are reminded that you are choosing, not just them) - and it's currently going to have to be local so that you can do a socially distanced walk with the more promising candidates and see if you like the look of them.

I doubt you've been taken for a mug - he probably did want to meet at first, and like you has just kept up the conversation. I presume you were up for sexting a stranger yourself - he didn't make you?

I wouldn't be able to keep up a fake relationship with someone I'd never met for a month, let alone 7, so you've both done pretty well!

Dozer · 15/02/2021 11:39

IMO even in Covid times anything more than a couple of weeks is a waste of your time/energy.

lovewarandroses · 15/02/2021 11:41

My question is have you ever spoken on the phone with him or at least Had a video call with him ???? If not then I think it’s time to move on but if you have just wait a little bit till everything opens again and see if he can ask you out then ...if he doesn’t ask you out within a week of things opening it will be best to move on .....

Gilda152 · 15/02/2021 11:42

Texting multiple times a day, particularly to someone you've never met, is completely unsustainable and ultimately unfulfilling. And destined to dwindle away to nothing so I don't think he's done anything wrong it's just run its course during Covid times. It is what it is.

31RooCambon · 15/02/2021 11:47

Yeh, listen to your gut.

Wouldn't you rather listen to youtube clips on subjects that interest you, listen to audibles, watch things on netflix, read, eat, cook, do yoga than chat with one stranger on line? I know we're all doing that on mumsnet! But there's no suggestion that anybody owes anybody anything.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleLittleStar2021 · 15/02/2021 11:54

@lovewarandroses

My question is have you ever spoken on the phone with him or at least Had a video call with him ???? If not then I think it’s time to move on but if you have just wait a little bit till everything opens again and see if he can ask you out then ...if he doesn’t ask you out within a week of things opening it will be best to move on .....
Yes, we have spoken a few times. Not frequently because I work strange hours and have a difficult situation at home but we have spoken and really hit it off. I’m disappointed as yes, I’ve chatted to other men but this is the one I thought was different and had a really good connection with.

I don’t think I will end it as such, maybe just back off and find a few other men to chat to as other options. I live in the middle of nowhere so meeting up will be difficult until we are out of lockdown whoever I chat to for the simple reason that I will without doubt have to travel a couple of hours and won’t breach lockdown rules. I still kind of hope when his work load is easier that his interest is renewed & we will finally meet up but I’m not going to hold my breath. In the meantime maybe I’ll meet someone who does actually want to pursue a RL relationship with me.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/02/2021 12:05

If he wanted to meet, you'd have met by now. In 7 months there's been plenty of time when we weren't locked down that he could have met with you if he'd really wanted to.

I'd suspect he's actually married/partnered. Or just not as he presents himself - much older/younger/fatter/skinnier/poorer/richer/more right-wing/whatever.

OutingMyself · 15/02/2021 12:08

About a week or two, max. There's no point in wasting months on someone you've never met in person.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleLittleStar2021 · 15/02/2021 12:10

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

If he wanted to meet, you'd have met by now. In 7 months there's been plenty of time when we weren't locked down that he could have met with you if he'd really wanted to.

I'd suspect he's actually married/partnered. Or just not as he presents himself - much older/younger/fatter/skinnier/poorer/richer/more right-wing/whatever.

I’m starting to think he has been seeing someone and I’m just the back up woman. It would explain a lot of things he has done and said in a honesty.
OP posts:
LivBa · 15/02/2021 12:21

I honestly don't understand why anyone would sext a stranger (if it's intimate photos of yourself). You're sending them your most intimate photos to permanently to do whatever the heck they like with them, including using it long after they've finished with you (if they're my pictures, just the thought of that makes me sick) or sharing it with others or putting it on dodgy sites! Confused And he didn't even have to make the effort to meet you Shock OP you're worth so much more than this Flowers

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleLittleStar2021 · 15/02/2021 12:44

No photos involved. I’ve got more self respect than that and if I was going down that route I may as well set up an onlyfans and at least make something out of it!

I agree though, I deserve so much more than a half arsed effort from any man.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 15/02/2021 14:18

Anyone else thinking the has a wife or partner?

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleLittleStar2021 · 15/02/2021 14:34

He’s supposedly nearly at the end of his divorce which I think I believe. Not so sure that he hasn’t got a girlfriend or partner that he’s not told me about though.

I’d forgotten how much I hate dating.

OP posts:
OutingMyself · 15/02/2021 17:28

This isn't dating though. You could meet and not fancy him at all, and it would have been a waste of 7 months anyway.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleLittleStar2021 · 15/02/2021 18:36

@OutingMyself

This isn't dating though. You could meet and not fancy him at all, and it would have been a waste of 7 months anyway.
Yep, I agree that’s a possibility. I am someone who is generally more attracted to the personality of someone than looks so as long as he fancies me that should be ok.

I have just been having a discussion with him and he’s talking about driving down to finally meet me on the first weekend after lockdown. I’ll cut him some slack I think for now but I do think chatting to a few other men as well might not be a bad idea.

OP posts:
WoodSageandSeasalt · 15/02/2021 18:46

Wouldn't you rather listen to youtube clips on subjects that interest you, listen to audibles, watch things on netflix, read, eat, cook, do yoga than chat with one stranger on line?

Guarantee this is written by someone happily settled in a relationship. You have no idea of the loneliness of being single, unfortunately those things can’t change that.

OP you’re not the only one to have fallen into this trap, it’s easily done especially just now but you honestly can’t judge anything until you’ve met in real life and even then there’s a good change it won’t work out - sorry but that’s OLD for you 🙄

Starseeking · 15/02/2021 22:34

When I was OLD years ago, I once met someone for afternoon tea 4 hours after initially connecting!

While that was a bit extreme, my maximum was to meet within a week, absolutely maximum 2 weeks, and if the excuses kept coming, move on.

After 7 months of texting, and not progressing to a meet-up (there must have been SOME opportunity in that time), he's not that into you, and you've over invested. Don't worry OP, we've all done it, the key thing is to move on and learn from it.