Feel like my mum brushes off how I feel

[Serenrose]

I'm not sure how best to articulate this, but I am really starting to notice a pattern of my mum minimising how I feel about things and it's starting to put me off talking to her about anything with any "depth" and just chat about mundane things in life. I really don't want our relationship to go down this route although I appreciate this may be how she wants it but I don't really know how to broach this with her 🙁

Examples I have noticed include:

I told her this week i was feeling a bit worried about my job because we have just had job cuts announced at work. I didn't think I was going on about it, I just stated the fact. Her response was "I never felt like that when I was told about potential redundancies at work".

Another was when I had a miscarriage and I was telling her (immediately following the event) that I was upset and I was worried I would never be a mum. My mum had a miscarriage herself when she was younger. Her response to me was "I never felt like that".

These are just a couple of brief examples. I have tried to explain that I just want to explain how I'm feeling but she seems to get a bit exasperated with me. I dont have loads of friends that I would necessarily confide in (especially at the moment) and I just want to be able to talk openly with my mum when I feel sad without being made to feel that as she didn't feel the same way when she experienced similar events, that my feelings are somehow "wrong",

Does anyone have advice they would be happy to share as I'd like to be able to tell my mum how I'm feeling without feeling worse after the conversation. I'm not sure whether I should try and talk to her about this, or if I should either "toughen up" a bit, or just not expect her to provide the sort of support I'm looking for? This makes me feel sad though as I would like to be able to confide in my mum but perhaps I'm just expecting too much?

To be honest it sounds like your mum doesn’t have the normal range of emotions and when she says I didn’t feel like that, you should ask if there is something wrong with her. Is there anyone else you can speak to, sibling, grandparent, father even?

Has she always been like this? My parents are like this and I've had to accept that they're not capable of forming deep relationships or connecting emotionally.

Read Running on Empty by Jonnice Webb or the blog posts on her website.

My mother is like this - worse in fact, in that she's 'competitive' when it comes to life experiences.

I've had cancer twice and still have check-ups and blood tests on a very regular basis. When I rang her, I mentioned that I was pleased because the latest blood tests had come back fine and that my GP had said that I had a less than 6% chance of developing cardiovascular disease.

Instead of being pleased for me, she replied "Oh my GP told me that, he was wrong, I ended up having heart attacks" - which is incorrect, she had one bad attack of angina and ended up having a pacemaker fitted (13 years ago, she's been fine since. Even though she acts like she's the only person in the world ever to have a pacemaker) She forgets that I was with her in the GP appointment where he point blank told her it was an angina attack, not a heart attack...

She's always been like this, but as she's got older she's got worse. Absolutely incapable of providing emotional support. Sad as it is, I'd stop trying to get it from her.

I never turn to my DM for emotional support. She just doesn't know how to respond. Mostly, she tries to offer practical advice, which I'm not looking for. Or, if my DSis or I try to talk to her about our abusive childhood (at the hands of our F, who is dead), DGD gets all tearful and makes it all about her.

I therefore look to my DH or friends if I need emotional support. I just don't expect my DM to be able to cope with it.

I previously had therapy to process the complex emotions connected with my childhood so I no longer need to bring the subject up with her. But it's hard sometimes, as she's the only one alive who was there at the time.

Has your DM always responded like this? You say that you've just noticed her way of minimising things, but I suspect that it's more likely that she's always been like this, but you've only just allowed yourself to see it.

It's definitely a lacking in her, but you would feel less hurt about it if you stopped expecting anything different. Do you have RL support from a partner, other family or friends?

My Mum is a little bit like this, more so now I'm an adult as she was good when I was younger. I sometimes wonder if its because she finds it upsetting to acknowledge that I'm in a shit place? Almost like deflection? I don't know. Maybe that's what I tell myself to be honest as it does sometimes feel like she's indirectly saying get a grip or just get on with it.

I think (for lots of varied reasons) some people are broken enough inside that they can’t really be empathetic without something in them crumbling. For mine, I think the threat of feeling unpleasant emotions is so anxiety producing that she just can’t even face it, so she just ignores it (or lashes out). A situation has arisen where I’ve disclosed to my mum that I have memories that lead me to believe I was sexually abused. I’ve said this to her about 6 times over the past few months. She just ignores it and changes the subject. I literally had to say to her, why are you pretending you have not heard what I just said about being abused?! She said well, maybe if you would tell me what happened, I can understand better why you’re upset. 😞 !!!

This is quite an extreme example but she’s like this with lots of things. If she for example wanted to buy my dc a treat on a day out and I said no they’ve already had lots of treats today, but thank you. And then dc get into a strop (as kids do), my mum will storm off in a huff or have a panic attack screaming tantrum at them for crying. She just literally can’t deal with people making her feel upset emotions. It will come as no surprise that I got everything I ever wanted as a child to feed this hole in her (kittens, puppies, a horse, toys that could fill up my bedroom, etc). We are NC now (due to much more serious things than this, but it’s certainly part of the bigger problem).

Personally, I would be really direct and challenge her about what she’s saying.

Thanks @LouiseTrees for the reply. I can talk to my DH but have tended not to share much with my sibling or dad (Parents are divorced). I have a lot more contact with my mum and just always feel that it's her I want to be able to share all aspects of my life with, but I feel she only wants to hear about the "good bits" eg about my DD or if I pass an exam. She doesn't seem interested when I have anything negative going on.

I suspect she didn't have a massively healthy emotional upbringing herself, just from tidbits she has shared with me and so I wonder if that could be where it has stemmed from.

Yep my parents just want the good bits and minimise any time Im upset. My dad thinks I'm inconvenient or making a fuss if struggling and my mum just hasnt got emotional capacity .

It took me til 40 and seeign a counsellor tonsee this.

Now I just feel v sad. Ive had some hospital appointments re the kids Ive wanted to share or some personal struggles recently and just struggling with feeling so alone in it all.

Thanks @nonflirtinghusband I have had a look at the website and it looks interesting.

I suspect she has always been like this, but I have noticed it more acutely over the last few years. Eg I was bullied at school and she just put it down to "silly girls", I felt it was never taken seriously and so I stopped bringing it up. I remember feeling that I couldn't add to her worries.

Sorry to hear you don't get emotional support from your mum @noirchatsdeux that situation sounds tough.

I am not sure why I am so keen to get emotional support from her and I may be causing myself more upset in trying to get it!

I think it's partly because I suspect she is not happy deep down which leads to this behaviour and partly because I want my relationship with DD to be better. I do wonder if I am looking in the wrong place though 🙁

I do think that in years gone by there was very much a 'Least said, soonest mended' attitude, and people just didn't talk about their problems. It just wasn't the done thing, and was almost frowned on in a way. People forced themselves to only talk about the 'nice' things. Whether it was some sort of defence mechanism I don't know, but I do know that my parents (born in the 1920's) were definitely like it to a certain extent.

It's a shame, but just because she's your Mum doesn't mean you should treat her differently to anybody else. You still have your emotional needs and your emotional boundaries.

I would try talking to her once about it, so that your sure she understands how you feel. You'll either get a heartfelt conversation which will make things better, or you'll get 'Oh, don't be silly!' and a further brushing off. This will give you a clearer answer about how to go forward.

My Mum is exactly the same , she will minimise or reassure me it will all be ok

Several years ago she moved to be near us with my Dad, shortly after my husband was going to be relocated and I went to tell them.

She burst in to tears 'what are we going to do we only just moved here!' You get where I am coming from

Needless to say I don't ask now

@Serenrose

Yes I can relate to what you’re saying. My dm is similar and is definitely worse as shes got older.

If I try to bring up something that has upset me, she will automatically disagree with me and down play it. If I mention it again she will seem exasperated.

It’s frustrating and upsetting and makes me keep things to a superficial level. She used to be easy going and helpful, now just sits on the fence and will never give an opinion.

Is it to do with getting older? Or a stiff upper lip thing?

Mine is not remotely interested. To the point we barely speak now. I could never, ever count on her for any kind of emotional, or any support to be honest, whatsoever.

I felt very loved by my mum and dad, had a good childhood, but they are/were like this. I couldn't tell them anything serious.. it would have felt weird. They just didn't know how to emotionally support. But they were so good at so many other things in life! I think it came from their own parents being emotionally inept. But like I said I did feel loved.

As a recent example, my DP (who my mum absolutely adores and has for 13 years) confided in my mum about an affair I had. He was obviously broken at the time. She responded with "oooh who was it with?" and "I never did that in my marriage" and that was literally it. It hasn't been mentioned to either of us since but does throw lots of love our way. I think she just can't deal with anything negative when it comes to me.

Perhaps take a look at Schema Therapy. There is a schema called Emotional Deprivation. There’s a book called Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young & Janet Klosko and one called Schema Therapy by the same authors which is aimed at therapists but also very useful for ‘sufferers’. ST was developed to help people with Borderline Personality Disorder but has become more mainstream, it’s like a next step after CBT. It’s helped me a lot, including with not being so attached to getting a response I want from my DM. I’m more accepting of the way she is now.

It's a way of putting you down by dismissing and trivialising things that are important to you, it might not be entirely conscious but she regards you as subordinate to her

My dm was very much like this. It was always “You’ll be all right” and “Hello, you all right? Good, well, Barbara from down the road...”. And I could be lying in the road with a tyre track through me.

Dm wasn’t a bad person, but I think it was a combination of being from a buttoned-up family and also that I had an extremely needy sibling and I had to be the dc who was fine all the time. I couldn’t be allowed to escape from my coping box.

My mother is much the same:

My concerns are considered trivial 'it'll be ok' 'I'm sure it will be fine' and she moves on or gets into competitive scenarios.

Her very minor issues are hugely inflated and have very significant emotional responses.

Unless it's health related or she happens to feel involved, then it becomes overwhelming, crying at someone else's grief for example, unable to sleep because someone's husband is unwell. or constant calling to check up with really bad advice offered.

So basically I now ever discuss anything to do with my emotional needs or response to something, nothing to do with health and nothing to do with grief.

I don't think this is deliberate from her, she's just a bit useless and insensitive.

She is either 'off' or on 'max' for her responses to these things and either way is exhausting abs unhelpful.

Do we have the same mother?

Mine cannot seem for a moment to consider the experiences of others and acknowledge that they might be different from her own. She's very dismissive.

Does your mum have friends/a social life? My mum has zero friends and a very narrow comfort zone, so I put it down to lack of social experience and lack of insight into the lives and feelings of others.

I know now never to talk about feelings or problems with her, and also realised that my sense of feeling completely isolated and abnormal my whole life is at least in part due to her behaviour.

I'm sorry you've had these very unhelpful reactions from her. It's a good sign though that you can see that the problem lies with her and not you.

It could be that she can't cope with what you're telling her. I could understand that, especially with the year we've all just had. The examples you've given are quite worrying and your mum could well have enough to worry about already.

When your mother was growing up, if feelings were not talked about in the home, then she may have a fear of discussing them.
If feelings were brought up, the conversation may have been shut down straightaway, like she does with you.
She's not doing it because she doesn't care, or she doesn't love you.
She's doing it because she finds the intimacy of such discussions uncomfortable and/or frightening.
She has an avoidant attachment style which she herself formed in childhood by either the personalities of her parents or circumstances and/or traumatic separations in her own family.

I am sorry your mother is like this. Maybe she doesn't want to listen to any problems or maybe she wasn't emotionally supported as a young person and doesn't know how to respond.

If you try and 'make' her give emotional support, she could lash out and tell you that you are ungrateful as you have a, b, c, going well.

I know about the poster being bullied. I have a speech impediment, very severe when I was young. My mother would say, maybe it will be better tomorrow.!! Some people have smirked at me all my life. When I told my mother or close friends, they would say, maybe I am mistaken. I stamner in a certain way eg ah ah. People would be 6 feet away saying ah ah and smirking over. My mother and close friends would still say I am mistaken. It is awful not to be taken seriously and it makes you not want to tell anyone anything.

I never had boyfriends in my 20s and my mother minimised it. Ironically, my younger sibling, who has perfect speech, never has boyfriends and is early 30s. My mother says that I am taking no notice. I used the exact same expressions back and said that I had no boyfriends, no permanent job and no one was worried!!!

I really have to put effort in to be sympathetic when dcs have falling out with friends. I had very little friends, was left out, and my family didn't think it was iimportant. When dcs tell me, I am actually pleased they are part of a group and had friends to fall out with!!

It will fall back on your mother herself , she will have health problems or loss of income, and you can just be matter of fact about it. I think this lack of sympathy van make people very tough.