Feel like my mum brushes off how I feel

[Serenrose]

I'm not sure how best to articulate this, but I am really starting to notice a pattern of my mum minimising how I feel about things and it's starting to put me off talking to her about anything with any "depth" and just chat about mundane things in life. I really don't want our relationship to go down this route although I appreciate this may be how she wants it but I don't really know how to broach this with her 🙁

Examples I have noticed include:

I told her this week i was feeling a bit worried about my job because we have just had job cuts announced at work. I didn't think I was going on about it, I just stated the fact. Her response was "I never felt like that when I was told about potential redundancies at work".

Another was when I had a miscarriage and I was telling her (immediately following the event) that I was upset and I was worried I would never be a mum. My mum had a miscarriage herself when she was younger. Her response to me was "I never felt like that".

These are just a couple of brief examples. I have tried to explain that I just want to explain how I'm feeling but she seems to get a bit exasperated with me. I dont have loads of friends that I would necessarily confide in (especially at the moment) and I just want to be able to talk openly with my mum when I feel sad without being made to feel that as she didn't feel the same way when she experienced similar events, that my feelings are somehow "wrong",

Does anyone have advice they would be happy to share as I'd like to be able to tell my mum how I'm feeling without feeling worse after the conversation. I'm not sure whether I should try and talk to her about this, or if I should either "toughen up" a bit, or just not expect her to provide the sort of support I'm looking for? This makes me feel sad though as I would like to be able to confide in my mum but perhaps I'm just expecting too much?

I know the feeling, unfortunately. The worst thing about it, for me, is the fact that she behaves totally differently with my sibling. I understand why she's like it, to an extent, as my sibling has narc tendencies so if she isn't listened to she'll throw a tantrum, so Mum has nothing left to give me. But it still hurts.

As an example, I remember being on the phone to my sibling one Xmas day, having been forewarned to remember to thank her for her present. I duly did so. I then had to listen to a ten min monologue of every present she'd been given, but with no mention of what I'd given her let alone thanks. When I told my mother she just shrugged and said sibling had said she'd liked it, and that was that. She nevet suggested to my sib that she thanked me for it.

In comparison, this year mum asked 3 times had I thanked sib, my answer the first time was that I'd been about to when she rang, the second that I had immediately after the first conversation about it. A week later, 3 weeks before my birthday, she reminded me to thank sib for my birthday present.

A minor example but it goes to show that when sib mentions something mother acts on it, whilst when I do it's just shrugged off and any further mention is shut down because it upsets mother.

As I said, it hurts.

My mother is like this. She can’t deal with anything deep. When I had a breast cancer scare two years ago she was useless and minimised it constantly, telling me it was unlikely to be serious at my age, I was being stupid etc. I found more support from work colleagues I’d only known a few months.

On reflection she’s always been the same. She’s never asked how I am or how my days has been. She doesn’t know what makes me tick. She doesn’t care and has no interest in anyone other than herself. It is what it is.

My mil is the same. When Dh was in hospital having an emergency op to save his life, she sounded as if she thought he was overreacting and making a fuss. It may have been that she couldn’t cope. But Naturally when his sister stubs a toe, it’s the worst thing ever and we are awful for not caring.
Families!

I wouldn't complain instead just be grateful because it means you don't have to expend any mental energy being sympathetic to their trouble and difficulties

Might she just feel she can't cope with the pain you feel? Sometimes I do feel that my DS escalates problematic things when speaking to me and constantly presents me with issues and problems. Im a practical problem/solver by nature but sometimes I feel like I am at or above the capacity I can cope with so I brush things off because I just can't take on any more and feel his pain. I'm not saying that's good but it may not be merely her being heartless, perhaps.

I hear you ladies. @IrmaFayLear and @atomicnotsoblonde both summarise my experience with my mum. I am going through a divorce following an abusive marriage, and never feel so alone as when having a phone conversation with my mum.
Mum - "How are you?"
Me - "Well, actually, it's really hard, I am in a tiny rental with 3 kids"
Mum - "Oh, an apartment, how nice! Ethel down the road was at the shop today and her husband is in hospital with an impacted colon, blah blah"
Talk about feeling utterly unheard! I long for a proper relationship with her, with some depth, but it's all so superficial I want to scream.

OP my mother is just the same. I can only echo what others have said and say that you need to seek support elsewhere, sad as that is.

I just want to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel and your feelings are valid.

Thanks everyone for posting, I posted a long reply last night but it looks like it didn't save/post for some reason!

It's been really helpful to read through all of these and thanks for sharing your experiences.

@mindutopia I'm really sorry to hear what you have been through, I really hope you get the support you need.

I think the comments relating to my mum's upbringing likely hit the nail on the head, I wonder if she never felt her own feelings were validated?

I also wonder if, by telling me about her own experiences is her way of trying to reassure me that things will be ok?

I've been checking out some of the resources mentioned here and looking into avoidant attachment style and there are definitely some things that resonate. I really want to improve our relationship and hopefully by trying to understand her a bit more I can do this.

Thanks again to everyone for replying and sharing your thoughts and experiences, I really appreciate it.

Seren. I think the upbringing has a lot to do with it. My DM, similar in many ways, was a child of WW2. My DGF was away in the war, whilst my DGM single-handledly ran the family farm, and raised 3 small children. No wonder she didn't get enough attention. Does any of this sound vaguely similar?
I also wonder if, by telling me about her own experiences is her way of trying to reassure me that things will be ok?

I think it is, in a clumsy kind of way. Reluctantly, after much therapy, I have accepted that DM isn't great at emotional support. I have a couple of close friends who are much better, and we do it for each other, being aware of boundaries.

I also have a sibling who is The Chosen One. This sticks in the craw rather (despite all the therapy) and I think DM actually enjoys being needed by Dsis, so long as the requirements are practical, tangible. Generally the solution is to throw money at the situation, rather than emotional support, which makes DM feel better about herself I think.

My DM too has great difficulty understanding that other people may feel differently to her in any given situation. This is very frustrating, and sometimes I will gently challenge her thinking, but she is approaching 80 and not likely to have a personality change at this point.

I wish you all the best with it. Acceptance may be best goal for you, and it may be that therapy would help, if you are in a position to go that route. Good luck. I hear you.

Mothers will notice if you reduce contact dramatically. The poster with 3 children could say she is busy with her family and ring less often. If her mother is going on about neighbours and operations, the poster can cut the call short, as children may want her, a doorbell could ring. They only sit up and take notice when they don't have an audience for the neighbours doings.

I have moderate asthma and my mother burst out laughing when i said I was afraid of hospital and covid. I am neay 50 so still quite young. I know the outcomes are less favourable if you have any condition. I get out of breath for weeks when I get a cold in the winter. After this I reduced calls, said I was out of breath, took a while to talk. My mother loves to talk fast about things, perfect speech, no stammer. Between breath and the stammer, with long pauses, I could sense she was getting impatient. I just reduce calls, keep them short, then you will have less interaction and won't be getting annoyed. If questioned, you could be worried about redundancy and don't feel up to a phone call.

My parents are like this. Not my dad so much but my mum is.
Lacks any emotional understanding and I know for a fact she suffers from embarrassment from anything that strays away from being a "normal family".
My brother had a terrible accident and was in a really bad way. I know for a fact she feels embarrassed about him and that it almost reflects on her poor parenting. It doesn't at all and I will never understand why she is like this.
We cannot have deep and meaningful conversations so as I result I keep everything to myself. I don't tend to tell friends either so currently don't get much support.

Yes, my DM is obsessed with what people think of her and being embarrassed or ‘shown up’ in public. When we were little we were always warned not to show her up in public. It was never ‘behave yourselves’ always ‘don’t show me up!’.

@user1471554720 - you've reminded me of the time my mum was full of sympathy for a friend's daughter who had eczema. I pointed out I'd rather have moderate eczema than severe asthma, but she brushed me off. Even my pointing out that eczema was far less likely to kill someone than asthma was didn't really get a reaction.

Of course, when the lass was diagnosed with asthma that was terrible. Strangely my diagnosis (after a teacher had suggested it as a strong possibility) hadn't been that much of a concern.

In the same way the sexual assault I suffered was a highly amusing anecdote to be shared with friends.

TimeIhadaNameChange

Frightening that the assault you suffered was an amusing anecdote. Sometimes you would love to tell e.g. a teacher or doctor (or soneone your parents respect )this on a matter of fact voice, e.g. X cornered me, tore my clothes and my mother tells friends and laughs. These instances can make a person very tough. E.g if someone told you they got groped, you would be inclined to say, X happened me and my mother tells people as an amusing anecdote.

Maybe they don't want you to feel sorry for yourself and become more resilient??. I think it can make a person begrudge giving sympathy to anyone. I had excema and I have moderate asthma. Both are bad in their own ways, but the asthma is more dangerous if bad.

@user1471554720 - not only that, but there was the time he invited himself to the house to drop something off. I begged her not to go out. She didn't, but she did decide he needed to see how she'd rearranged the furniture in her spare room (!) (despite him never having seen it previously) and made me take him upstairs to show him. I protested, but was overruled. Of course, he had his hands over me whilst I froze.

Absolutely no idea why she did that.

Sounds like she was enjoying putting you in an awkward position. Maybe when they were young in the 70s, it was seen as a joke e.g. Benny Hill comedy. I would go non contact with her for that.

@user1471554720

Sounds like she was enjoying putting you in an awkward position. Maybe when they were young in the 70s, it was seen as a joke e.g. Benny Hill comedy. I would go non contact with her for that.

Oh stop! That's such an extreme response, especially when OP says she wants to build her relationship with her mother.

For a variety of reasons, some of which OP has very clearly articulated, it sounds like OP's mum has poor emotional intelligence. Most likely this is based in her own childhood & exactly as OP says, is often linked to a lack of validation from her own parents.

Op, I hear what you are saying & I've had similar. My mum is great, in so many ways. But she is really poor on empathy or just saying 'oh you poor thing' or 'I'm sorry to hear that'. It can be infuriating.

If I'm sick, she'll often say, why are you sick, in a vaguely accusatory way.

I've had to accept, as I've grown up & had kids myself, that she won't always meet my emotional needs. She has many wonderful qualities otherwise. I also recognise that I make mistakes as a mum, and I know I will probably let my kids down. Tho I think my generation benefit from being more introspective & self-aware, and hopefully I'll continue to work on any failings I have.