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Relationships

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Original poster

How to recover following affair

38 replies

chocolateshreddies · 13/02/2021 21:21

A year ago I found out DH had been having an affair. I was absolutely blindsided. I felt all the usual things a betrayed wife thinks; he wasn't the type, I trusted him with my life, how could he do this to me, to our children.

At first I wanted him out, but we had just gone into the first lockdown, the kids weren't in school, grandparent support wasn't allowed and I needed help. I gave myself time to think without rushing into anything, and he stayed.

Since then he has done everything I have asked and more. He has cut a female friend out of his life that I was uncomfortable with. She used to occasionally come to the house in the day when I was at work, never when I was at home. I'm sure nothing happened with them, but it made him start to push the boundaries.

We have both had individual and couples counselling. I've stopped that now as I didn't feel it was helping anymore. Maybe she wasn't the right counsellor, I don't know.

He doesn't go out drinking with friends anymore, I know nobody can at the moment, but he didn't even when he could.

He has accepted full responsibility for the affair. We have discussed the reasons why he allowed it to happen, and he has promised to talk and discuss any issues with me

He has made improvements on the house that I've asked for. He home schools the children while I'm at work (he works from home). I know that's his job as much as it is mine, but he does much more than me.

I don't want to divorce as that isn't the life I want for my kids. I don't want to be away from them, and I don't want them to lose financial security. We're not loaded, but we're comfortable and we wouldn't be if we ran 2 households.

Despite all this, the affair is all I can think about. I want to be able to get through a day without thinking about it. I want to be able to forgive him as I know it will be a load off my shoulders. I would love advice from people that have been through this. I don’t just want ltb he will never be faithful. I think he will stay faithful but maybe I don’t have the best judgement

OP posts:

Bellabelloo · 13/02/2021 21:25

So sorry this has happened to you. You say he's changed, but we've been in lockdown or limited socialising for a year now, so of course he's not out drinking with his mates. Do you think you'll be able to trust him again when life is back to 'normal' and he can go out more?

Original poster

chocolateshreddies · 13/02/2021 21:28

Thank you. I don't know. When we could go out as groups of 6, he didn't then. I think this is part of why I'm not sure, this isn't real life at the moment. It feels like we're in a bubble

OP posts:

5128gap · 13/02/2021 21:34

You can't force forgiveness, it needs to be felt, and it may never come. What you may achieve instead is acceptance that an unforgivable thing has been done to you, but you will live with it because otherwise you lose more than you gain, and it suits you to do so for now.

gonnabeok · 13/02/2021 21:39

OP, I think you need to give it time. I find out my OH was having an affair by accident 18 months ago. He was very sorry, but had never told me he wasnt happy. I was completely blindsided like you. We have a dd together. He moved out for a few months then he moved back in but to be honest I couldn't forgive him and couldn't stop thinking about it. My feelings for him had changed after what he did.

I tried but I started to hate feeling suspicious. I had a major wobble one day when he went out and came home too late. He criticised me and I thought "How dare you!, I may have some wobbles but you caused me to be like this!". I had to end it as everything had changed and he just wasn't who I thought he was but I'm glad I tried. I couldn't forgive the hurt he had caused and it was better for us to both part ways.

You need to remember that at some point you are both going to need to have a normal life again where you are going to be put in situations where you will have to trust him again and he will be doing things without you. Only you know how you will feel being put in the position of having to trust him again. A life of suspicion and worry is no life.

You could try another counsellor or just give it a certain amount of time after lockdown ends and see if you can deal with it but the options are either trust him and try to put it all in the past and move forwards or you're not going to be able to have a normal life because your emotions leave you feeling resentful and suspicious.

Either way it is a difficult road and some couples do stay together but it takes a lot of effort on both parts. Good luck.

Original poster

chocolateshreddies · 13/02/2021 21:40

I think you may be right with that. It's just so sad

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolateshreddies · 13/02/2021 21:42

Sorry, that response was to @5128gap

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolateshreddies · 13/02/2021 21:46

@gonnabeok I'm sorry you have been through this too. I think you're right in that I need to put a time on it, once we get out of lockdown, to see if things remain the same. I can see how hard he tries every day, but I just wish he had put this energy into our marriage and family before.

OP posts:

NovemberR · 13/02/2021 21:50

Sadly, I don't ever think you'll feel the same about him. It's like a cracked plate that's been superglued together. You always know it's there and it's just a little bit shittier than it was.

Your reasons for staying seem to be it's better for the children and financially it makes sense.

That's understandable, and fine if that's what you decide. But it will never be the way it was. And I suspect at some point the resentment at the fact he ruined everything will spill over into you realising you no longer respect him and you no longer love him.

You'll always know what he did. It sours everything.

Original poster

chocolateshreddies · 13/02/2021 22:00

@NovemberR That's how it feels now, a bit shittier. I have read, and the counsellor also said that marriages can improve and become better after an affair. I can see how that can happen by how he has acted for the past 10 months or so, but I don't know if I can love him again. Maybe I do and I'm just numb?

OP posts:

mickeymouse2005 · 13/02/2021 22:08

Give it time. It sounds like he's doing all he can and maybe he feels so shit about it too. If he's doing all those things for you he must be so sorry. But it's tough and I believe will get better x

NovemberR · 13/02/2021 22:11

Obviously everyone is individual. I'm talking from my own experience. ExH and I separated for 6 months (his wishes) when we had 3 very small children. I moved out to give him space at his request, and he then proceeded to refuse to discuss our relationship and it turned out he was shagging another woman.

I filed for divorce.

He then (once he'd had divorce papers served on him) broke it off with her, realised what he'd done, begged me to come back and I did so for the sake of our three under 5s and because I'd never wanted to leave in the first place.

We limped on for another 3 years whilst he made a token effort for a bit, but I grew gradually more distant from him and realised I had no respect for someone that could behave like that towards me. By the end I realised I didn't even like him as a person, never mind love him any more. He'd wrecked an 11 year marriage by his shit choices and I realised I'd never feel the same way towards him. I'd always feel a little bit of contempt that he was such a fool.

I do hope things work out for you - but for me, I just couldn't ever look at him with respect again, and that was the killer. You can't live with someone you can't respect. I did trust him - I knew he wouldn't go off and sleep with someone else again, but I eventually realised I didn't actually care.

I do not believe that any relationship can ever be better after an affair. It will always leave a bit of a sour taste.

litterbird · 13/02/2021 22:21

Its early days for you. Give it time. Your marriage is totally different now and thats what both of you have to come to terms with. There are many threads on MN where the wife tries so hard to forgive but it just doesn't happen as it eats away for years and years. I would suggest you stick with therapy and find another therapist. What you are going through can take years to recover from if not ever. You choose to stay so you have to find a path way through this. I was cheated on, I know the shock and hurt and disbelief you are going through. I couldn't go back despite him doing everything to try and get me back. 6 years later I still have not forgiven him but have moved on now.

WunWun · 13/02/2021 22:25

It will never improve. Counsellors say that because they want the money. This will always play on your mind.

5128gap · 13/02/2021 22:29

I think the aftermath of an affair is a bit like a bereavement, something is lost for good, the relationship you had before.
But like bereavement it can be possible to find a way to live with the loss and be happy despite it.
You need to accept that the relationship you had has gone, mourn that, and then see what's left, and decide if that's enough.
In usual times, this last year may have been the opportunity for that, but its been such a strange time, it's like everything has been frozen and you've had no opportunity to see what real life, with him going out and about, will be like yet.
In your position j think I'd try and let things drift for now. Your day to day with him seems tolerable, so give if time, don't rush yourself, and see how you feel.

Coffeeandcocopops · 13/02/2021 22:32

My exh had an affair. We tried to make it work. But I couldn’t see myself getting back to the position of being able to trust him 100%. Prior to the affair it never crossed my mind that he would have an affair. It changed. I had no respect for him. So our marriage ended I’m afraid. I just could not forgive him for having an affair. If he was unhappy why didn’t he talk to me?

mickeymouse2005 · 13/02/2021 22:52

Every marriage is different. People need to remember that x

5128gap · 13/02/2021 22:53

@Coffeeandcocopops

They don't have to be unhappy though do they? Sometimes they're just weak or greedy. They say they were unhappy because it makes them feel more justified and makes you think you were partly to blame

Snoooozzze · 13/02/2021 23:06

@chocolateshreddies so sorry that you are going through this.

I've been there... it's coming up to 4 years since I discovered Hs affair and I made the decision to stay. It's been shit for a lot of that time and it's really only been the last 6 months that we seem to have turned the corner. I don't fall apart anymore but I'm not sure why... it's like a grief I suppose and you get past the acceptance stage and get on with life... I don't know what life will bring for us in the future but honestly, I'm glad I stayed. We have worked hard on our relationship and he has changed for the better (openly talks about feelings, pulls his weight around the house, more attentive, less detatched etc) and he took total responsibility for his actions so that definitely helped.

Things are good now but were not for a long time and are not the same as before- although that's a good thing IMO...

Only you can decide if it's right for you or not and only time will tell...

Faith50 · 13/02/2021 23:18

My dh had a ONS and I found out years later. It destroyed me. I did not know whether I was coming or going, was barely present for my dc emotionally for around a year. I still have not forgiven myself for this. I lost a year with them.

I had an affair for two months, it took away the pain, made me feel wanted, sexy, desired. I no longer felt stuck. Feelings were definitely involved.

Dh and I are working through things. I now look back and believe I should have left dh once I knew I could not forgive. It was a bad move to try and make a go of it and then have an affair. I was the instigator of the affair though I knew he was definitely interested.

I have lost my dignity.

bumpertobumper · 13/02/2021 23:19

Look up Esther Perel, she is a relationship therapist who has done a lot of work around infidelity. She has books and a podcast, there might be something helpful in there.
And if you think your counsellor wasn't the right one, they probably weren't. Did you see different therapist for couples and individual counselling? At this stage it sounds like more individual sessions could be helpful.
I don't have personal experience, but a close friend had similar, it took a couple of years, loads of therapy together and separately, ans their marriage is now better than it ever was even before the affair. It can be done. Every situation is different.

You are allowed to still be angry with him, acknowledge your anger, don't push it away. If it is heard( even by you) it can fade.

Faith50 · 13/02/2021 23:21

snoooooze*

I am pleased your marriage is being restored. It is refreshing to hear a positive story.

Onthedunes · 13/02/2021 23:22

It is very sad, but not for him remember.

Something in your mind is spoilt forever, you may learn to accept it, maybe not.
What I would say is never put a time limit on what you want to do.
Your mind may change in a year, 5 years or 10, doesn't matter, it's what is important to you.
They are your feeling, don't ever feel you need to supress them in the future just because time has passed.
x

WunWun · 13/02/2021 23:25

The main thing for me was 'why do I have to be a person who life is forever putting up with being cheated on and worrying about it happening again?'

mickeymouse2005 · 13/02/2021 23:29

We've all had different experiences. Who's to say what is right and what is wrong. I'm still working on forgiving my husband and I'll get there. He's so sorry and I will learn to love him again. I hate seeing his pain. I have pain too (obviously) but I can't imagine life without him. Nobody's perfect. If you think you are then you're wrong. Give it time

Woodlandbelle · 13/02/2021 23:29

I wouldnt be able to stay. I believe marriage is for life but cheating is unforgivable.

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