How to recover following affair

[chocolateshreddies]

A year ago I found out DH had been having an affair. I was absolutely blindsided. I felt all the usual things a betrayed wife thinks; he wasn't the type, I trusted him with my life, how could he do this to me, to our children.

At first I wanted him out, but we had just gone into the first lockdown, the kids weren't in school, grandparent support wasn't allowed and I needed help. I gave myself time to think without rushing into anything, and he stayed.

Since then he has done everything I have asked and more. He has cut a female friend out of his life that I was uncomfortable with. She used to occasionally come to the house in the day when I was at work, never when I was at home. I'm sure nothing happened with them, but it made him start to push the boundaries.

We have both had individual and couples counselling. I've stopped that now as I didn't feel it was helping anymore. Maybe she wasn't the right counsellor, I don't know.

He doesn't go out drinking with friends anymore, I know nobody can at the moment, but he didn't even when he could.

He has accepted full responsibility for the affair. We have discussed the reasons why he allowed it to happen, and he has promised to talk and discuss any issues with me

He has made improvements on the house that I've asked for. He home schools the children while I'm at work (he works from home). I know that's his job as much as it is mine, but he does much more than me.

I don't want to divorce as that isn't the life I want for my kids. I don't want to be away from them, and I don't want them to lose financial security. We're not loaded, but we're comfortable and we wouldn't be if we ran 2 households.

Despite all this, the affair is all I can think about. I want to be able to get through a day without thinking about it. I want to be able to forgive him as I know it will be a load off my shoulders. I would love advice from people that have been through this. I don’t just want ltb he will never be faithful. I think he will stay faithful but maybe I don’t have the best judgement

onthedunes

I agree that you can always change your mind, however I feel it is more difficult to leave years later. In that time you and your spouse would have put in substantial work at repairing your marriage.

I feel I have missed my window to leave.

@mickeymouse2005

We've all had different experiences. Who's to say what is right and what is wrong. I'm still working on forgiving my husband and I'll get there. He's so sorry and I will learn to love him again. I hate seeing his pain. I have pain too (obviously) but I can't imagine life without him. Nobody's perfect. If you think you are then you're wrong. Give it time

Jesus Christ, that is sad.

“and I will learn to love him again.”

That is so sad. You need to leave him.

I think a year is no where near long enough to ‘get over’ the affair. You’ll find in another two years or so you’ll think about it less and in about another 4 years even less again. The pain won’t be quite as agonising in a couple of years but at times it will come back as bad as it was near the beginning of finding out. Sudden flashes of pain and immense sadness of the situation.
In a few years from now it will be a sad chapter in your life a lot of times snd at other times you’ll look at your husband, particularly when he’s making an effort and being nice and think to yourself you’re a shit and no matter what nice things you do now you were a cheating, deceitful shit.

It is so hard at the moment with lockdown. I would bide your time and see how you feel when normality resumes. You might feel like you can't trust him again or you may feel you can. I hope you're ok, OP.

I know this is a MN saying - but is it worth getting a sexual health check-up?

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate all of them. I know every marriage is different and I understand some can carry on, but I think most can't. I will give it time to see what I choose. This difficult year has meant that we have spent all of our together and have managed to work through a lot, but of course that means we haven't had to face the challenges of going back to normal life

My partner of 25 years had a ONS. We had previously had a wonderful relationship, but with the birth of our youngest child, I was suffering PND and had lost my mojo. We were talking and I thought he had my back.

He confessed, but only partly and I had to wrench the truth out of him. This upsets me as much if not more than the infidelity.

I was devastated and like another poster lost a year of my life in an depressant and tamazipan haze. I couldn't make up my mind to stay or go, but ended up staying.

Since then he has tried so hard to make amends, I dont think he could do any more. 6 years on the pain has subsided, but I still feel a disappointment that he could act in such a cliche way. I still hold a little bit of myself back in order to stay safe. Of course he says he 100% would never do it again, but I remind him that boat has sailed. He hates it but unless he can invent a time machine, tough shit.

In fairness I am feeling a bit bah humbug as its valentines day. I wont buy him a card anymore😐

@WunWun

It will never improve. Counsellors say that because they want the money. This will always play on your mind.

This!
OP I can tell you from experience that this is true. You can stay for the DC but this will be at the expense of your own happiness. Kids are more resilient than you think.

After I discovered my DH betrayal , I did agree to go to counselling with him. We had been married almost 30 years, young adult kids and I wanted to say I tried .
Lockdown has meant that 2 years later , I am trapped with him in the house. It is so damn hard. Yes , he is so so remorseful , doing everything he can . But it occupies my thoughts constantly. I knew it would , I had told him over the years that I could cope with whatever life throws at us , but not unfaithfulness . Everything is a trigger , TV , songs on radio , old FB posts.
It is ruined for me . I will never forgive him. Just waiting until I can leave with at least enough assets to live OK.

I know some women who have stayed. One told me that she never stopped loving him . Others said it just had to be ignored . Another is just waiting until kids finish college.
It is horrible OP . It will never be the same . Only you know if you can live with him and if you want to. Not easy , I feel bad for you.

the affair is all I can think about

And it always will be. There is no magical answer or instructions to get over it. No one else or their experience and methods can fix this for you.

You need to decide do you want to just forget it let him off and be a doormat or do you think higher of yourself than that.

And then search this forum for the 4372847836364748 identical threads with the same answers in it.

We have discussed the reasons why he allowed it to happen
That makes him sound very passive in it all.

Some people make it work. Most dont get past it. Find a different counsellor and decide what is best for YOU.

I found even if you are eventually able to forgive, you never forget and the trust has gone. If he is late home, you wonder, if he travels for work, you wonder. It's no way to live.

He didn't 'allow it to happen'. He wasn't a passive party. At some point he made the decision that he would have sex with another woman for which he is100% responsible. The other woman didn't cheat on you, he did.

@Beforethetakingoftoastandtea

We have discussed the reasons why he allowed it to happen That makes him sound very passive in it all.

Some people make it work. Most dont get past it. Find a different counsellor and decide what is best for YOU.

Yes, it's interesting when people are trying to get through infidelity the 'affair' almost becomes an entity in itself, rather than it being the fault of the faithless partner.

We had counselling and whilst it was quite useful, and would have been really good prior to the infidelity. For me it felt like we discussed the infidelity in the first couple of sessions and that was it. I wasnt expected to speak or feel about it any more. It will be with you forever, so if you do stay together it has to be let out from time to time.

I think another factor is what type of person you are. If you have low self esteem or are someone who over analysis or takes things very personally you will struggle. A very good friend of mine who found out her husband had been unfaithful 3 years ago breezed through it. She chucked him out for a while and was wobbly for a few months, but she gave it another go as he was begging for her forgiveness. She even jokes that she is 'owed one' now. It just didnt seem to affect her in the same way as me.