Struggle to enjoy things 'for me' after emotionally abusive childhood.

[Onsiesarethenewblack]

Something I've been reflecting on in lockdown and wonder if anyone can relate, or has found a way to improve on this for themselves.

I have a hard time enjoying things on my own. Its not that I need company - I'm quite introverted - it's more that I don't see that point of doing things when I'm on my own. And it's not always a conscious decision, it doesn't occur to me to do nice things if it's just me. This is more of a factor in lockdown where I'm spending a lot of time in the house on my own when DH is at work (we have slightly different working patterns) No kids btw, not something i want to get into but please no 'you're so lucky to be bored' posts!

I sometimes feel like I don't really exist if other people aren't around. Not literally of course, but like I could just be put in a cupboard and the light switched off until I'm useful again. If I lived alone I could easily spend the whole weekend passing the time staring into space before work rolls round again. I know that makes me sound depressed but I'm not, it's more about self worth, and a very, very deeply conditioned trait of working on what other people want, and not really knowing how to apply this to myself - I feel a bit lost if there's not someone else there to look after or by happy for.

If you're wondering what the relationships/childhood link is, years ago a therapist helped my identify that this trait was a result of having parents I had to pander to, and ignored my needs. I appreciate that sounds a bit dramatic, so to give some context. My mum was a very anxious and resentful person. Everything we did was framed about her. Eg if I hurt myself, the response would be 'why are you scaring me like this' if we argued; 'why are you doing this to me?' if we really argued 'you're sending my crazy' etc. That was compounded later on by a violent boyfriend with the typical 'look what you've made me do' angry outbursts.
Alongside this, I don't remember ever spending quality time as a family, except for things my mum wanted to do. Eg we'd go to the backstreet boozer pub and sit outside while she drank, we had a couple of holidays with nothing to do for kids. She sent us out to play so we weren't under her feet but it was about her getting peace and quiet not because she thought we might like to play out. We had to stay in bed, silent, until she got up, and we had to stay upstairs, silent, after tea because that was 'her time'.

This combined meant that from a young age I was very aware of how other people were feeling and my job to keep the peace. Not to inconvenience anyone, not to upset anyone, not to be a burden on anyone. I became so good at hiding my own feelings I think I forgot I had any.

All that was a long time ago and I'd like to think that I've made peace with everything and become a fairly well functioning adult, in a happy relationship etc. But on this lockdown and spending more time on my own I was a bit surprised to realise how much of that trait is still here. DH is supportive and though we've never formally discussed it, he does encourage me to be a bit more selfish eg he put the heating on timer so I don't sit in a cold house, he does more housework to encourage me not to spend 'my time' cleaning, he bought nice food in and encouraged me to eat it while he was out instead of waiting til he's back.

I've thought about posting on this subject before and I haven't because it feels like such a silly thing to complain about. I would be interested to know if anyone can relate. Iv read similar feelings for when people have been in caring roles for a long time though appreciate that has a lot of additional stressors that I don't have.

I can't relate exactly but I don't think it's at all surprising that's how you feel given your childhood. You might find Running on Empty by Jonice Webb a good read. It has helped me a lot.

It's really good that you recognise this is coming g from your mum not treating you as a separate person. So now you need to work on changing how you feel about yourself. Can you access a therapist? Download a book that might help in the meantime?

It's definitely not a silly thing to complain about. My Mum was very similar. Everything revolved around her and her needs. I learnt from an early age to always be good, never annoy or anger her. It wasn't too bad when I was younger but as I got older with my own opinions our relationship really suffered. It only clicked into place after I had counselling for an abusive relationship, they suggested my mum sounded emotionally abusive. I've not been able to 'unsee' it since and went no contact after she asked me not to call her when I was having a nervous breakdown as I was upsetting her. (The final straw after many other things).
Your OH sounds absolutely lovely and supportive, I would definitely look into counselling as I think this would help you.

Thanks all. I've just ordered the 'running on empty' book so I'll have a look at that. At the moment any counseling would be online which doesn't really appeal, but I might start saving a bit of money towards perhaps having some private counselling in future. The support I had in the past was through the NHS, and while I'm very grateful to have had it it was very short and it only went as far as identifying some patterns and reasons. Which was helpful, but knowing something doesn't necessarily bring about the knowledge to change it! It did help to name it I suppose, and I know NHS support is just about taking the edge off the worst of it, it's not there to support self improvement.

@Aliceinwonderland I'm sorry you've had to deal with similar. It's weird that things that seemed so normal at the time seem so bizarre when the veil has been lifted. I went LC with my mum though by default really, as she had very little interest in me so once I left home we didn't see much of each other. She died years ago. She

I do feel very lucky that I haven't ended up in an abusive relationship. Despite objectively swearing that I'd never let any man treat me like my mums boyfriend did to her, I can see that this character trait would make it very easy for an abusive/selfish man to take advantage.

onesie indeed your other half sounds lovely and I hope you have a happier life with his love and care. Have you thought about reparenting yourself? I had a difficult upbringing at times and sometimes I try to look after the inner child in me who wasn't encouraged to look after herself cos she was pandering to the needs of difficult adults. So I consciously choose to do something nice for myself or treat myself with compassion as if I was looking after myself as a child. I'm a Mum now and treat my son in a loving way so I try to be like that to myself too.

Also I find that I lack agency to do things after having a critical parent. I often hang back or don't bother being proactive. Almost like learned helplessness because when I was younger I did feel helpless at times and was very isolated. You need to realise your value as a person onesie. Take a deep breath and push yourself forward. I know it's hard with 'who do you think you are?' phrases left over from childhood but you are free from all that now. Enjoy yourself.

That's an interesting point @halfhope, because (like you I imagine) I'm very good when looking after other people! One of the reasons I posted this was an example that came up in work this week (my job requires me to be on site at times) Until covid there were students working alongside us and id always stress the notion of looking after themselves, taking breaks etc, and I'd be strict about us all taking lunchbreaks.
Since covid, when I'm in work on my own, I barely even go to the loo let alone eat - I always put off having a break until I've got more done. And it made me a bit sad when I realised that ultimately some part of me thinks me being hungry/tired isn't important, or not important enough to act on. I thought I had got better with self care but id only been doing it for my students!

I think it's time to treat myself like a child

Its weird because em writing this I think I read like I'm behing a martyr. Consciously im not, I can be quite good at standing up for myself verbally, but my behaviour seems out of step with what I think I'm like, if that makes any sense!

I understand what you have written here op.

I often hang back or don't bother being proactive. Almost like learned helplessness because when I was younger I did feel helpless at times and was very isolated.
This.
Over the past year or so (now mid forties) I have learnt so much about myself and I feel like only now, I am beginning to know my true self. A bit cliched I know. For years people kept telling me I was being hard on myself and I didn't understand what they were saying. These days, I am far more gentle with myself. My mother was very much as you describe, sadly I have no good memories of being with her. My father was the critical parent and also abusive. At 18 I was nothing but a shell. Having dcs, the focus then turned to them and another excuse of not having any hobbies/many friends etc. Two of my dcs are still young but I am in the process of making changes and will continue to do so, I feel a big shift happening but it has taken me years to get to this point. I am also waiting for therapy (face to face) once covid eases.

I can totally relate to this and it's also something I've only really realised in lockdown. I had a similar sounding childhood, my DM had mental health issues and usually responded badly to anything I wanted to do, ie watching tv programmes I liked 'made her ill.' Or if I was ill I'd have to pretend not to be or she'd say it was making her ill. Sorry to hear you experienced similar, but thanks for sharing, it's really helpful for me to see someone articulate this.

In adulthood I'm very good at smoothing over situations and managing other people through stress, difficult situations etc. I've brought that into my job successfully so I see that as one positive from it.

Im trying to get better at recognising my own needs and actively talking to other people about them, which is draining in the first instance but seems to be positive overall.

Crossposted, but that learned helplessness comment is very true. Thank you for your kind comments, it's very much appreciated.

You're welcome onesie and I'm sorry to read other posters here with similar experiences. I'll just mention Compassionate based mindfulness as something that I found helpful. You can find books on it. Paul Gilbert and Mary Welford are two authors in this area

It's strange actually because I met my lovely husband at University and he noticed that I was very under confident (bit like being a shell of myself). He said later it made sense when he met my parents. He thought they were very critical.

I feel similar OP.

My DM had undiagnosed mental health issues and was very anxious and controlling as a result. I suspect knowing what I do now she has OCD. I was never really allowed to be my own person. I always had to do what she wanted. I always felt like she was critical of me and my self esteem and confidence were fucked as a result. I also grew up in a big family, so we always had to share (read that as fight over) everything. I was the middle child and I was the first girl. I genuinely think my mum couldn't cope with the fact I'm not her and not my elder brother. They are very similar characters.

There are so many stupid little things I realise now come from my childhood. Always putting myself last, feeling like I don't deserve good things, feeling like I'm a failure. Even binge eating, because I developed a habit of eating food the second it came into the house, because it if I left it, there was never anything left for me later.

One thing that sums it up is that I did a job for three years. My mum never actually realised what I did as part of that job and when I explained it to her, she just laughed. She said I wasn't patient enough to do it. She doesn't realise I am my own person.

Hmm lots of this rings true for me too Moomoo, my Mum has intense anxiety and would surely be diagnosed with GAD now if not something more. Things were often about her anxiety but not always. I wouldn't say abusive but controlling and critical.

I've had a lot of therapy (actually for different reasons) and it's been brilliant. I can't recommend it enough if you can manage the financial outlay, and actually I enjoyed it even more via Zoom. The experience was one of validation, like being re-parented in a more positive way. My situation is that my DH has been unwell for years so it's actually difficult for me to have and articulate my own needs as he always seems so much more in need. I'm getting there in one sense but also coming to realise that this is my personality too now and not to feel the pressure to change myself into some desired state.

@Daphnesmate04 and @beaker25 I'm sorry you've had to go through similar, though while of course I wouldnt wish it on anyone, it's reassuring to know that others have experienced a similar effect. Of course the whole issue is doubting whether what I'm feeling is genuine or valid because that's something we didn't have permission for as children - the only valid feelings were the parents.

Its actually one reason i shied away from having my own children; I'd had so much of my life revolving around another person that I felt I'd lose myself entirely if I had my own to look after. Although I was a little wary given that this is primarily a parenting site that someone might read that I was complaining about having more free time than I knew what to do with, I appreciate that noone jumped to that conclusion!

I agree that there are positives to come out of it - I ended up in a 'helping' profession because I can read a room, de-escalate situations and coach people as naturally as breathing.

The compassionate based mindfulness sounds very interesting too, I'll look into it.

Moomooland

Why do you think she has OCD?. Genuine question. Do you think she could have some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder?

Controlling behaviour is rooted in abuse and is abusive behaviour.

I would also read about narcissistic personality disorder and see how much if any of that relates to your mother’s behaviour to both you and your sibling.

@halfhope my DH was the same, when he realised the absence of anything nice from my parents (he only knew my mum a year before she died and at that point things were strained) he used to tell me he was amazed that I was a functioning person. He made sure to include me in lots of his family stuff, eg Christmas, which really helped me see some different dynamics.

@Moomoolandmoomooland yes that's very familiar! My mum couldn't cope that I was a girl because I wasn't the same as her. I think she perceived our differences as a direct criticism of her. I developed an eating issue too, I avoided eating because she made us feel guilty about how much it cost to feed us. And of course I'd get told off if I said I was hungry. To this day im not very good at recognising hunger, I have to consciously think whether im snappy or tired and deduce it from there. It sounds so ridiculous writing it down, I've never admitted that before!

When I moved to uni she didn't bother to contact me - like you said about not seeing you as a person, I don't think she could comprehend that I had a life when I wasnt with her. Almost like once I moved out I no longer existed. After a few months she rang my brother and had a go at him about how selfish I was. He rang me about it, and it turned out she was angry with me because someone who also had a daughter at uni had struck up a conversation with her and had asked what I was studying. My mum didn't know - our conversations were never about me - and she was very angry that I had embarrassed her by letting this happen.

@BigGreen I'm glad that therapy has helped you with this, that's encouraging. Do you mind me asking if it's any particular type of therapy? The NHS input I had was CBT based. I think that's quite limiting for me as it is about the bit I can already do - identify patterns, name things and be logical. I know why CBT is the preferred NHS offer, but thats one of the reasons why I've been thinking about private therapy one day as I think I'd need to go private to find something that was the right fit. I'm not sure what that is. Getting in touch with my emotions makes me think of something very 1970s, new age and primal

Onsiearethenewblack

It is possible that you were also raised by a narcissistic mother.

A BACP registered therapist may be able to help you further but I would interview such people carefully and at length before working with any particular one. You need to find someone who had no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

It may also be an idea to have a look at the current “well we took you to Stately Homes” thread on these Relationships pages.

Wow I’m so sorry and comforted at the same time there are many of us in the same boat.

I too have a similar dynamic with my mother and lifelong habit of neglecting my own wishes and needs.

I’ve been noticing recently the absence of any mindful or joyful activities in my life..... I would put them into the two categories of self care and hobbies.
Every weekend I think, wouldn’t it be nice to have a leisurely bubble bath (for example) and it just..... doesn’t happen. I also yearn to do crafting, explore nature, have adventures, dance/sports, just enjoy simple pleasures. But find myself doing chores (quite happily) or zombie-ing in front of internet/tv

I’m watching this thread with interest and the idea of reparenting appeals to me. What would my inner child like to do with her free time now?!

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat. I don't think she fitted the typical narc mother that I often see referenced on here though - there were certainly no trips to stately homes! I've often wondered about undiagnosed issues. I'd questioned EUPD or maybe ASD in the past. She was highly anxious, chronically low self esteem (attack was her form of defense) and she was quite overwhelmed and childlike a lot of the time. I don't think she necessarily meant to turn things round to her, I genuinely think that as a parent she believed that the the things we did as kids (like argue and be messy) were things that we did on purpose to hurt her. She didn't understand children in that way. When I got older I started to realise how poor her social skills were with other adults too. Eg if someone asked said hello in the street and asked how she was, she'd go into a monotone and tell them every ailment. When she asked them of course they said they were 'fine'. She would take that at face value and would be perplexed if for example, she later heard that that person had been unwell. She thought creepy men leering at her was a great compliment and something to strive for. She couldn't really sustain friendships and I think a lot of the people she thought were friends were people who felt a bit sorry for her.

Its all a bit of moot point considering she passed away years back, but I do find it interesting to reflect on the past with modern eyes. From what I heard, her mother had 'difficulties' and my grandad was much more hands on as a parent than was usual for his generation. My uncle if born today would definitely be diagnosed autistic, though again that wasn't a thing in their generation. So it's quite possible there was something underlying it all.

Not that that reduces the impact on us as kids, but it has helped me to be a bit more forgiving as I've got older. But it's made me feel even more strongly that this is something I want to change for myself, as I don't want my future to be constrained by muddle of unfortunate/accidental circumstances.

I had a very isolated childhood, I can procrastinate at Olympic level.
One thing that has helped me to have more interests was that I realised that I have little to talk about sometimes and I wanted to be a more interesting person for other people to be around, I felt like it was a display of low intelligence that I hadn't watched many films, read much, travelled more or had many tales to tell. The thought of needing to be more likeable or better company go me doing a few things which in turn I enjoyed.

OP all I can say is thank you for posting this. I am doing quite a lot of work on myself at the moment, but have never understood or thought about my tendency to go into zombie time when by myself. I knew it was a bit weird, but I didn’t connect it with my low low self esteem.

This has been quite the revelation for a lockdown Saturday night. Thanks to others for reading recommendations.

Does anyone have any ways they have successfully started doing things for them, as a PP said I often make weekend plans, but end in chores, work, or staring into space/overeating

@Nanny2many your future starts here!

I've put the fire on. Despite being the only one in the room

Honestly, when I started the thread I was thinking of the bigger things (like when covid lifts, travel or day trips either on my own or that I chose) However I think I need to re-parent my inner toddler first. Which means, im going to try and practice going for a wee when I need to, and eating when I'm hungry! I want to practice the little things and I'm sure the bigger things will follow...

This is interesting. I have similar issues, though I'm a bit further down the road. It was all about my mother's needs/desires. When I married, I tried to predict and meet all his needs, and expected him to try to predict and meet mine. That's what I thought it was about. Ne3less to say, he did pretty well, me not so much! When I stopped trying to please him and worked on making myself happy, our marriage improved no end!