Struggle to enjoy things 'for me' after emotionally abusive childhood.

[Onsiesarethenewblack]

Something I've been reflecting on in lockdown and wonder if anyone can relate, or has found a way to improve on this for themselves.

I have a hard time enjoying things on my own. Its not that I need company - I'm quite introverted - it's more that I don't see that point of doing things when I'm on my own. And it's not always a conscious decision, it doesn't occur to me to do nice things if it's just me. This is more of a factor in lockdown where I'm spending a lot of time in the house on my own when DH is at work (we have slightly different working patterns) No kids btw, not something i want to get into but please no 'you're so lucky to be bored' posts!

I sometimes feel like I don't really exist if other people aren't around. Not literally of course, but like I could just be put in a cupboard and the light switched off until I'm useful again. If I lived alone I could easily spend the whole weekend passing the time staring into space before work rolls round again. I know that makes me sound depressed but I'm not, it's more about self worth, and a very, very deeply conditioned trait of working on what other people want, and not really knowing how to apply this to myself - I feel a bit lost if there's not someone else there to look after or by happy for.

If you're wondering what the relationships/childhood link is, years ago a therapist helped my identify that this trait was a result of having parents I had to pander to, and ignored my needs. I appreciate that sounds a bit dramatic, so to give some context. My mum was a very anxious and resentful person. Everything we did was framed about her. Eg if I hurt myself, the response would be 'why are you scaring me like this' if we argued; 'why are you doing this to me?' if we really argued 'you're sending my crazy' etc. That was compounded later on by a violent boyfriend with the typical 'look what you've made me do' angry outbursts.
Alongside this, I don't remember ever spending quality time as a family, except for things my mum wanted to do. Eg we'd go to the backstreet boozer pub and sit outside while she drank, we had a couple of holidays with nothing to do for kids. She sent us out to play so we weren't under her feet but it was about her getting peace and quiet not because she thought we might like to play out. We had to stay in bed, silent, until she got up, and we had to stay upstairs, silent, after tea because that was 'her time'.

This combined meant that from a young age I was very aware of how other people were feeling and my job to keep the peace. Not to inconvenience anyone, not to upset anyone, not to be a burden on anyone. I became so good at hiding my own feelings I think I forgot I had any.

All that was a long time ago and I'd like to think that I've made peace with everything and become a fairly well functioning adult, in a happy relationship etc. But on this lockdown and spending more time on my own I was a bit surprised to realise how much of that trait is still here. DH is supportive and though we've never formally discussed it, he does encourage me to be a bit more selfish eg he put the heating on timer so I don't sit in a cold house, he does more housework to encourage me not to spend 'my time' cleaning, he bought nice food in and encouraged me to eat it while he was out instead of waiting til he's back.

I've thought about posting on this subject before and I haven't because it feels like such a silly thing to complain about. I would be interested to know if anyone can relate. Iv read similar feelings for when people have been in caring roles for a long time though appreciate that has a lot of additional stressors that I don't have.

I cheered out loud about your fire @Onsiesarethenewblack

i feel such an affinity with you. I do use the heating plenty, but only enough to not get cold, `i'm going to start making sure its toasty warm!

i fully agree that reparenting comes in micro and macro forms. Bigger life events like trips and activities but also daily needs (hydration, using bathroom, eating, keeping warm, resting...... all really very basic, core needs for a human) As per my user name, Im a nanny, and i often say "if i looked after my self as well as i do my charges, my life would look very different! " BTW your hubby sounds like a keeper.

All my life I've felt similar. Not worthy, not enough, I'll make do, always last and I don't feel fulfilled unless I'm meeting someone's needs.

It was only when I was pregnant and feeding my growing my bump that I felt I could eat things that were expensive that I wouldn't normally, as it was for someone else.

It took a Counsellor to point out this wasn't right and that I was worth good food all the time.

I think it comes from very deep rooted insecurities, the never living up to expectations when maybe they weren't reasonable expectations. The constant failure and disappointment despite my best efforts.

After years of counselling, what I try to do is lots of positive self talking. Every day I do something for me, with the positive message that I am worth it.

You are worth that treat, worth the new lingerie, worth using a new towel, worth buying that lipstick, worth getting a bunch of flowers on your shopping. Worth using the hot water for a bath, worth wearing clean clothes every day and not reusing them to save on washing.

Others do this routinely as part of their self appreciation, they do it effortlessly. This is what we must do too. I've been doing this for 8 years now, I still can't have a bath without feeling guilty but it does get easier.

We are the only ones that can change this for ourselves one good deed at a time. I really agree with your comment, look after yourself like a child. You'd treat your child, you'd lavish affection on your child, you'd go that extra mile. This is what you need to do for yourself.

@partyatthepalace I'm glad it's been helpful for you, I remember it being a revelation when the therapist led me to it years ago. I can't remember the wording now, but it was essentially that as a child, the worldview I learned was that my own needs/wishes/feelings didn't exist (because they were ignored/not responded to) and that the only thing that was real was my mother's needs/wishes/feelings. Therefore I only learned to exist in relation to her. And subsequently, to other people. So for example, the idea of going on holiday on my own is something I would find utterly bizarre. Not because I tell myself I don't deserve it, but because experiences only exist to be shared, to see how the other person reacts. That's where the analogy of being put in the cupboard and the lights turned off comes from. I hope that doesn't make me sound crazy but it's the best way I can describe it!

It’s a very effective description.

All this also helps me understand why I am a screaming workaholic, even though I know it’s unproductive, and stops me making the changes I want to make in my life.

Thanks again.

Are there any books or articles you’ve found useful

I get it OP, I wasn't allowed to be ill or upset so I got used to hiding it. I was completely emotionally neglected, nothing was ever about how I might feel.

@purplebagladylovesgin I like the idea of one good deed at a time, and the self care routine is a good one. Logically I know I can treat myself to flowers and things, but it's weird... its almost like I don't because I wouldn't know what to do with it? I don't (yet) know what treats I'd enjoy. I think looking after basic needs is really key though. In the past I've certainly been guilty of not eating properly because it feels wasteful to cook if it's just me, which is ridiculous when there's food in the fridge and we're lucky enough not to have money worries.

@picklemewalnuts that's what my last serious relationship was like! He didn't mean to take advantage, he was a nice guy, I just had no idea how skewed my perceptions/expectations were. I am very lucky that my DH picked up on these things early on and encourages me to be an equal in the home. I remember the first time he realised was that I never took the 'best' seat on the sofa (ie with the best view of the TV) He found that really sad and made me sit there every time until I felt that it was just as much 'mine'.

@nanny2many what a surprise you've ended up in a caring profession too! I used to support adults with mental health issues. I was thinking through some of the advice in this thread and thinking about whether I could think through my self care as though I was looking after them instead of me. Eg I'd never let them go the day without eating, and I'd always encourage them to have fulfilling and creative things to do, to get out in daylight, sleep routines etc....

@partyatthepalace it's almost creepy how many shared experiences in this thread! Also a workaholic. Who avoids working at home when DH is around because it stresses him out, and jumps on the laptop as soon as he leaves the house because my time isn't valuable on my own...
This was a book I was recommended about the work thing, it'll be no suprise that the workaholic thing tends to be prevalent in children who were ignored, as we tend to either misbehave or strive for perfection in order to get some recognition. Overcoming perfectionism by Roz Shafran
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B076PJ1PW9/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@vivavino I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can find some solidarity in this thread.

I have fibromyalgia, which I attribute to my habit of 'powering through' when life gets tough- ignoring my own needs until I had time to meet them. Basically I burnt out surviving various stresses, and now have chronic pain and fatigue. I find consciously reparenting myself really helps me- recognising I'm tired/sore, and giving myself some TLC. Heat packs, chocolate, a bath... every little helps.

It’s so strange how similar it all is isn’t it?!

I also jump on my laptop at every op, and never take the best seat, and have a job where I have a read a lot of rooms (or zooms)... I guess it at least has some upsides....Although one of the things I am working on at work right now is being comfortable in uncomfortable situations, not rushing in to find cohesion... it’s VERY hard not to fix things, very anxiety inducing,

This is all very enlightening. Thanks for the book recommendation. Am going to read the thread in more detail. I think this phenomenon should be better known.

It's a great thread OP, all so familiar. I'm also a workaholic and self sabotage through fear of failure. We all deserve better I've made huge improvements in self care in the past five years and thoroughly recommend it. I started with recognising when I am exhausted or unwell and allowing myself time to rest and recover. I'm lucky to have a husband who looks after me if I'm ill, it made me sad to realise that I hadn't really been looked after in that way.

OP, you show a great deal of insight into yourself which I think makes you a good candidate for more indepth therapy.
You might want to have a look at Schema Therapy. There's a self help book Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young.
That said though, the "fit" with your therapist is a way more important factor than the therapy modality. Pay attention to your gut when you check out therapists. Do they "get it"; how do you feel in their presence (or on the phone); do they "feel" compatible etc.
You sound like you've chosen a good life partner so I suspect you have good instincts about other people - use that in choosing a therapist.
One of your first tasks in therapy is to get in the habit of putting your own needs first. The right therapist will intuit this and will facilitate it even if you two don't speak about it overtly.

@Onsiesarethenewblack I have had two 10 month stints with the same lovely psychotherapist, I don't know much about her therapeutic approach really, except that it's very open and free form and she tries to ask questions to get me to generate my own insights and she provided lots of validation over the course of a very tough few years where everything went wrong. I chose a slightly older woman who is a totally blank slate, I don't know a single thing about her except how kind and clever she is. It's pretty much the opposite of CBT though I use Headspace to meditate which I find very helpful for managing rumination when anxious.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately too. I kind of went through life thinking that people just pretended to enjoy their hobbies and stuff. I didn't even "get" holidays.

Like others of you have said, I existed to pander to her and try to fit in with her twisted reality. The thing is, they were constantly telling me what good parents they were and how lucky I was, so it took many years for me to see it all through different eyes (with the help of a therapist).

Re-parenting myself is working here too, and forgiving myself (I lived most of my life as a hollow shell + was shallow because of it) Everything I did in my life was dedicated to what I thought other people wanted from me and I never considered what I might genuinely like. Does anyone else struggle with boundaries? I had little concept of them until recently.

It's so hard isn't it, trying to slough off that programming from early childhood.

I've been through similar and the first step for me was music. I made a point of listening to one song or piece of music that I like every day, as time went on I started to really like some pieces of music and to listen to it more.
The next thing was to pick colours I liked. I made sure to wear one thing I liked, and picked something for the living room and bedroom - I started off with a cushion and a new duvet cover.
Then I started to read, just a couple of pages a day.

The more you start to find your sense of self, the more you find your own ground and boundaries grow from that.

Geidi, I discovered boundaries when I was doing parenting. I found my toddler so, so hard. I read a book by McCloud (?) and found it revolutionary. Working out 'whose problem' it was, as part of deciding what to do about things- revelation. Radically changed my relationship with my mother, though it took a few years and is still underway.

Interestingly, I was out of the country in the days before email and cheap phone calls while I began to understand it. Away from her, basically.

My goodness I have found my people! So much of what you all are saying resonates with me.
Thank you all for sharing. I’m feeling hopeful for the future for us all to discover who we are and what we want, how we feel etc

I don't have DCs, otherwise I think the penny would have dropped sooner pickle. Unfortunately I found solace in substance addiction for many years, and it wasn't until I did a counseling course that I realised just how fucked up my family of origin are (read some McCloud, Bowlby also good). And yeah, it was only when she was no longer in my life that I managed to start actually working through it. Too much of an overbearing presence before.

I don't know if this is odd, but the relationship I have with my pets was an eye opener - ie my main aim is that they're healthy, happy and secure - they don't exist to meet my needs or to make me look good, I love them unconditionally. Completely different to my mothers stance who just saw everybody else as a bit player in her own twisted reality.

@Onsiesarethenewblack - do some research on Core Beliefs; I think you'll find it very useful

That's really interesting Sarahlou. I wonder if I can help my kids to have positive core beliefs. I really don't want to pass on the impacts of controlling and critical parenting to another generation.

@BigGreen - that's a brilliant attitude. IMHO, education about self knowledge and understanding how and why we think the way we do should be part of every school's curriculum.

sarahlou63 thanks for the heads up about core beliefs. I'm finding it useful. Not encountered the concept before...

My son is learning about fixed mindsets versus growth mindsets in school and that's basically about positive core beliefs.