Does anyone else not have 'old' friends

[pootleplumtrinket]

Just thinking about this over lockdown.

School wasn't a particularly happy place for me. I grew up in a fairly wealthy area where kids were put under a lot of pressure academically. I wasn't hugely academic.

I recall the kids being quite right wing and keen on the monarchy and the boys being horribly sexist and actually misogynistic. I wasn't bullied, in fact I was quite popular. But I never felt at ease and at 16 I went quite far away to do a-levels and didn't look back (it was pre Facebook and I'm not on any social networking sites anyway).

My parents keep me abreast of village news so I know where most of them ended up and that they are still all friends in the most part.

My DH thinks it's v questionable not to have kept in touch / have old friends.

Am I rare in this? Is it a problem? I just don't feel much affinity or warmth towards them although I obviously don't wish them any harm.

I am also intrigued to see that although most went off to Russell group unis (as did I) they don't seem to be doing much of note - which makes me wonder anew at all the grammar school pressure. Can't see now what it was in aid of, except maybe ensuring the 'right sort' of friends.

I clearly have too much time on my hands during lockdown!

I tried to keep in touch with a group of about 20 after school and uni, but most of us drifted apart. At my friend's wedding there was me and only one other person there from school, but then another friend moved back to the home area (I'm not there, but the other two are) and we all regained contact with another one too so there's a group of 4 or 5 of us now. It's not many, but it's 25 years since we finished school.

Your situation is a very common one. What matters in the quality not the length of the friendships. People change, they move on and that's fine.

I didnt like school and hated where I grew up, left the minute I could and havent looked back. My closest friend and i met in college we both moved to London together and she is now in the states and still my closest friend but hardly see ... my closest friends who I see alot I have known for 25yrs. All from my time in London. My OH went on about old school mates but in truth he never sees them, doesnt keep in touch and the folks he contacts now (he is ill too) are folks he has known since university who have remained good friends or mutual friends.

Why would you want to be friends with people you openly sneer at OP? For their different politics, for their lack of progress in relation to their exam results, their parents' materialism, and so forth.

Well I don't @LandFair obviously! The point of the op was to see if I was alone in this. I've been interested in peoples responses.

Also having different values and goals in life is fine. I'm not sneering. Of course I like my own sort of path because that's the path I chose. But people can do what they want and I may not understand it but I do genuinely wish them well.

Maybe ... but I'm detecting a strong inverse snobbery ... and even a bit of a chippiness

I don't think there is a simple answer to this question though. There are lots of positive reasons to have moved on as well as possible negative ones.

I'm not in touch with anyone from school. I'm vaguely in touch with a couple of people from uni but haven't seen them in person for about 3 years now. I'm definitely crap at keeping in touch.

I have 2 very close friends from school who I consider to be family. We are all quite different people, live in different cities but just somehow have an underlying enduring love for each other. I think it is partly personality and shared sense of humour, and partly that we made a teenage pact to never lose touch. We are all quite committed to the friendship and all make an effort to visit, send kids gifts etc.

What @shivermetimbers77 said.

Cruncheyleaves ...for the obvious reason. Most male friends fancy you and few men will trust them around you. Also when you are newly in love and you and yours are out partying three is a crowd.

I keep in Facebook touch with my first friend from primary school and we have plans to meet up once lockdown is over but contact is sporadic. I don’t have any other school or Uni friends. I can’t just keep in contact with people because we used to know each other. There has to be things in common for me. I’m quite anxious and shy so it takes a lot for me to trust/confide in someone. I’ve always found female friendships tricky. I’ve got my best friend who I’ve been best mates with for 25 years but we met accidentally. Not school or work. We are very different people but we chat several times a week. If shit hits a fan she’s the one I call. I’ve also got a few friends I’ve known for about 15 years that I met through work and we chat weekly, sometimes more. I’ve got several acquaintance type friendships through my kids but I don’t spend lots of time or energy on those because I’ve learnt that if the kids stop getting on then those friendships tend to go south. I don’t need huge amounts of friends but I would love a couple more fun female friendships really, I’d love to have someone I could go for a browse round the shops with. I’m going to make more effort when lockdown is over. I find at my age 50s, it’s pretty tricky to pick up new friends though and I have no idea how to do it anymore

@mumieone

Cruncheyleaves ...for the obvious reason. Most male friends fancy you and few men will trust them around you. Also when you are newly in love and you and yours are out partying three is a crowd.

What a depressing post and how sad you see this as ‘obvious’. I’m married, as are two of my closest male friends, and one is newly divorced — we’ve all managed to avoid ripping one another's clothes off for almost two decades. And my husband is a perfectly reasonable human being, not a guard dog warning other men off his territory.

Most of my friends are married and have good opposite-sex friends. It’s not ‘obvious’ to me why you wouldn’t.

I don't have old friends. I am in facebook contact with a few school friends but we don't meet due to distance. Funnily enough I think we might make the effort after lockdown

Its mostly because I left the town I grew up in at 18 and never returned, and in my career driven promotion led twenties and thirties, I would up sticks and move cities to get the job I wanted (on my own, not knowing a soul, pretty brave when I think about it) - from Peterborough, to Sheffield, to Nottingham, to Slough, to Winchester ..... finally settling in the place I live now.

I might have to name change again now!

It’s strange to me that some people would be put off someone because they don’t have old school friends. There could be so many reasons not to have old friends. I’m the opposite. I’m put off somebody who does have a big group of old school friends. I find it makes them unavailable and I’m never going to stand a chance and even if we get on really well, I’m never going to feature in this person’s life. All the spots are already taken. I think it’s why I gravitate towards people who haven’t grown up in this country. I get a fair crack at being friends because their school friends are many hours away

You are beginning to sound like you think you are too good for them as your posts have gone on. Overly competitive, academic - popular - but not interested. It is not an especially attractive quality, and I guess your dh may have noticed it and not liked it much (maybe defending your old life as being of just as much value as your new one perhaps?)

" I’m the opposite. I’m put off somebody who does have a big group of old school friends. I find it makes them unavailable and I’m never going to stand a chance and even if we get on really well, I’m never going to feature in this person’s life."

That would be the same for any group of friends though and nothing to do with having OLD friends.

I have a group of friends from secondary school, a group from uni (this has gone from a large group to just 2 that I keep in touch with regularly, due to deaths and also losing touch naturally), and friends I’ve made where I now live. All good friends even though the latter group are what are often called (and dismissed as) ‘mum friends’ on MN

I lost touch with old school friends as a lot of them seemed to have personal issues which I fully supported them but they did everything the could to bring me down as they did not like me being unhappy as I did not have mental health issues. Years later I ended up with mental health issues due to various life situations so I don't know why they assumed that everyone's life is perfect.

Uni was the same where everyone was very different and one woman was a downright bully so I lost touch.

The friends I have now are from work and walking groups and I have known them for about 15 years. I feel it's not about how long you have known someone but who you want friends who are positive, supportive and good to be around. We all have ups and downs but you don't need frenemies.