Does anyone else not have 'old' friends

[pootleplumtrinket]

Just thinking about this over lockdown.

School wasn't a particularly happy place for me. I grew up in a fairly wealthy area where kids were put under a lot of pressure academically. I wasn't hugely academic.

I recall the kids being quite right wing and keen on the monarchy and the boys being horribly sexist and actually misogynistic. I wasn't bullied, in fact I was quite popular. But I never felt at ease and at 16 I went quite far away to do a-levels and didn't look back (it was pre Facebook and I'm not on any social networking sites anyway).

My parents keep me abreast of village news so I know where most of them ended up and that they are still all friends in the most part.

My DH thinks it's v questionable not to have kept in touch / have old friends.

Am I rare in this? Is it a problem? I just don't feel much affinity or warmth towards them although I obviously don't wish them any harm.

I am also intrigued to see that although most went off to Russell group unis (as did I) they don't seem to be doing much of note - which makes me wonder anew at all the grammar school pressure. Can't see now what it was in aid of, except maybe ensuring the 'right sort' of friends.

I clearly have too much time on my hands during lockdown!

I don't either. When I look back on friendships I seem to have moved through people in each stage of my life and none of them clung on enough to stay. I had children young so lost school friendships in favour of mum friends and then now I have work friends. I do still have superficial what's app conversations with 2 mum friends but that's it. I'm happy though and I don't really enjoy having intense friendships. I like the ones where you meet up once a month for coffee and that's it

Maybe worn out with all the early pressure as you say.

I know LOADS of women who developed issues with self harm and eating disorders in their late teens due to feeling pressured in Sixth Form to get RG or Oxbridge in competitive schools, it was an issue in every local girls school, and in mine which was mixed.

There's no right or wrong here, these things come down to circumstances/ personality. Yes, I do have old school friends - 4 of them, though only 2 are really close. Those 2 are my "best friends" I suppose. We all lived in the same town, became friends in sixth form, and socialised a lot together in our early 20s when home from, and after, university. But none of us lived there once we got going on our careers or live near each other now.

I also have long standing friends met in my 20s who are also friends with one of my school friends. Then I have friends I've known many years met through work.

Other people have come and gone, thorough circumstances. The people I met through my kids, I don't really see now, although keep in touch with some on FB or sometimes see around. It was a lot harder to keep up with them once my kids started organising their own social lives.

So I do value my long term friends. It reaches a point where you know you'll never lose touch even if months or years pass by and I don't see them.

But I have ended up with few local friends, as people have moved away or our lives have moved on. I would like to cultivate new friendships once this pandemic is over. I find it easier to keep old friends than to make new ones, for some reason.

Not everyone has school friends because of house moves, parental divorce, a sense of not fitting into their peer group in their youth and so on, but after reaching adulthood and having the opportunity to find your own tribe, I’m generally quite suspicious of anyone who doesn’t have at least a few long-standing friendships.

I haven’t seen some of my friends for years for various reasons, and yet I know we’d pick up where we left off. I hated university and have had two big career changes, but along the way still managed to find good people who have been loyal to me and vice versa down the years. I don’t think we’re unusually lucky to have that bond - I think it’s because we’re unselfish, easy-going and reliable people.

Over the years I’ve noticed the sort of person who goes in for friendship drama, deliberate ghosting, opportune but fleeting relationships etc usually has other dysfunctional behaviours and is best avoided.

PS I mainly liked school, and absolutely loved sixth form, so maybe it was easier for me to hold on to friends from that time.

"He thinks there's some intrinsic value in knowing people who you have always known. He thinks it's reflective of your depth and authenticity."

I really disagree with that.

It's like he can't see that just because he has satisfying relationships with old friends its like that for everyone. It seems very close minded to me.

My husband friends are people who he grew up with and he's like he's obliged to be friends with a few just cos they are in the group but who he can't relate to anymore.

I've kept in touch with 2 friends from High school and the rest are people I've met along the way.

I feel like mine are much more adult relationships like I don't need to see them often to still feel close, we are secure.

Where as my husband sees the same group of people every week, which I think is weird. Like if they don't see eachother regularly they will easily fall out of the clique and feel left out. I'm not at all saying this is the way for all old friends though.

A couple of PP have mentioned it takes efforts to sustain friendships, and I agree. A lot of people are very stingy with their time and energy - it’s like they’re on some kind of meter, and so they’re not prepared to put in the effort needed. They don’t seem to realise that you can’t live without other people, and you just never know when you might need them to show up for you. Also, the integrity of a friendship isn’t about who phones who, or who never forgets your birthday. Just because you’re always the one booking all the cinema tickets all the time really doesn’t always mean your friend isn’t a genuine one.

@Unfucked

Not everyone has school friends because of house moves, parental divorce, a sense of not fitting into their peer group in their youth and so on, but after reaching adulthood and having the opportunity to find your own tribe, I’m generally quite suspicious of anyone who doesn’t have at least a few long-standing friendships.

I haven’t seen some of my friends for years for various reasons, and yet I know we’d pick up where we left off. I hated university and have had two big career changes, but along the way still managed to find good people who have been loyal to me and vice versa down the years. I don’t think we’re unusually lucky to have that bond - I think it’s because we’re unselfish, easy-going and reliable people.

Over the years I’ve noticed the sort of person who goes in for friendship drama, deliberate ghosting, opportune but fleeting relationships etc usually has other dysfunctional behaviours and is best avoided.

This is what DH thinks except possibly not as quite as critical. I honestly have no interest in or appetite for drama at all. Also I have very strong close family relationships (lots of sisters and cousins) so can't entirely be me I don't think.

I think if you have a large family and especially lots of siblings or cousins close in age that’s quite different - your siblings are your closest friends.

I don’t think your situation is unusual OP, sounds quite normal and nothing to worry about.

I think it’s concerning when people have no long standing friends, but in their place is a series of ex-friends they no longer speak to. If someone is always falling out with people, they’re the common denominator and that would be a red flag that tells me not to get very close to them!

@Strike000 This.

I also avoid the sort of person who mentions once-strong friendships that have apparently just lapsed into nothingness, that whole “season or reason” mentality.

I have a one friendship from childhood, I have travelled all over the world and lived overseas for a decade, at that time there was no way to keep in contact apart from letters, so we drifted. A few have been back in touch, but I am not keen.

The past is the past! They are not in your life for good reason.

My most favourite friends are the ones that reflect my values and interests, and that is a world away from the place I was in as a teenager! Embrace your ability to be an individual, and not saddled down by the past. Your dh I doubt invests much if anything into his old friends anyway if he is like my dh, they go to the odd funeral and wedding every few years, very different concept of 'friendship' and easier to keep up with zero expectation either side :)

I always think when someone is making an issue of something like this, it is almost always comes from a place within themselves. Is he feeling lonely? Isolated? Without friends himself? Why is he suddenly so bothered?

I would ask him 'are you feeling lonely? You don't normally worry about friends so much' and see what he says.

I think this is a classic case of deflection from his own insecurity.

If you are and have always been happy as you are, then this is about him, and not you.

Me and my school friends stayed friends well into teens and early adults, we all sort of paired off but remained friends all the same, then about 4 years ago now, I moved county and contact dwindled with most, I made new friends in the new county and has such a great time, I started feeling like my long term friends didn't really bother with me anymore. I then moved about an hour or so away from the county I moved to and those friendships dwindled too.

Where I am now I've not made any new friends, there's a few people I talk to through work and ds school etc but not actual let's meet up and go out friends. I get really down about this because I miss all my friendships and I had such a huge group of friends and now have not a single person. It makes me wonder if my friendships were real to begin with, but I miss it all the same.

Hopefully after lockdown I can start finding new people but its been about a year or so feeling very lonely. So no you're not on your own.

I hated school - I was a pretty academic kid in a rough school, which made me a massive target for bullies. I found my niche at uni, and have friends from there, plus friends I have collected through various jobs.

My DP went to private school, all boys, very sporty, and the majority of his friends are old school friends. In normal times they go for a trip for a sport they all did at school - plus lots of boozing - together once every year.

I understand what your DH is saying. I come from Dublin (where everyone knows everything about everyone) and there is no hiding who you are, who you were, and where you come from. It can be stifling but it keeps you honest, because there is no point pretending.

I love London, and the freedom that comes with leaving everything behind and starting again. But there is a lot of transience and bullshit that goes with that, and friendships can just be part of a current lifestyle. When I meet someone here who appears to have formed no lasting friendships, I have to bear in mind that they probably won't be in my life in 5 years time either. My childhood friends, school friends and college friends will.

Gosh that's different. I'm exactly opposite to you and feel that my situation is less common.

I grew up abroad and on my Facebook etc. I have all my school friends from high school and somehow I class them as the closest thing to real friends. Since moving to the UK I find it very hard to make friends with British women and in my early days had alot of male british friends they were much more easier going and funny. Until I got married and it wasn't acceptable having guys hanging around. So as a result I pretty much have no close friends that I've made in adulthood.

Until I got married and it wasn't acceptable having guys hanging around. Why? My best friends are males and I'm married.

I don't know anyone from my school days or home town, they really weren't a particularly nice bunch in my year - think racist/small minded in general. But I am in my 40s now and my closest and oldest group of friends are the group I met in our first day of halls when we were 18. I've also got friends from my first jobs 20+ years ago. So I don't think it's odd not to know anyone from your home town/school days at all. Especially if you moved away when you were late teens/early 20s.

No, I had a severe undiagnosed mental illness during my school years and yound adulthood and although I made friends I didn't want to continue with them into adulthood as it brought the whole terrible memories back. I just moved on once diagnosed.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

No, I had a severe undiagnosed mental illness during my school years and yound adulthood and although I made friends I didn't want to continue with them into adulthood as it brought the whole terrible memories back. I just moved on once diagnosed.

Snap! Same exact situation

I have a very close knit group of friends from school though we weren’t that close at school - more bits of 2 overlapping groups that kept in touch (someone from the other group ended up at the same Uni as me and so we became good friends there etc.). We’re scattered all over the UK but we all lived close to each other in our hometown. I’ve moved around and made new friends but most fall away as we move. My school friends are the ones from whom I have no secrets - they have been my rocks.

But now, none of them are doing much

You mention this several times. Perhaps they were not the only competitive ones?

@TheYearOfSmallThings yes! I am very competitive.

@TheYearOfSmallThings and to explain as that was a bit glib. Doing well at a meaningful job/ career is very important to me and it's one of the reasons I don't think it's worth my trying to reconnect with the school friends. I find it hard to relate to people who aren't doing much. That's not to say they're not happy and fulfilled of course. And also, I would have been happy and unsurprised of all that early promise and hot housing had led to wonderful outcomes for the world. It just seems as though it didn't.