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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you let go of suspicion?

46 replies

CMP345 · 12/02/2021 22:27

I suspect that my OH had a short affair 10 years ago. It's one of those things where my gut feeling told me something was going on. After a few years of him lying to me he confessed that he had been with a woman at a time when he said he had been with a male friend but still absolutely swears blind that nothing physical happened and that he only met her once. My instinct and my sense all tell me that more went on than he has admitted to, but he is stubborn and I know he is committed to our relationship now and is unlikely ever to confess. I go on with life quite happily but then every so often something triggers the thought that he has been unfaithful and I obsess over it, sometimes I challenge him, but he still denies everything. Who knows? Maybe it is as he says and he made only a very small mistake of spending time talking to a woman all night when he should have been at home. As he says, it is now, all a long time in the past. But I hate the niggling doubt which casts a shadow over our relationship! Does anyone have any experience or guidance on how to move on, accept that he may have been unfaithful and I'll never know, but not keep obsessing over it? - Am I being unreasonable in not letting it go?

OP posts:

Hullish · 12/02/2021 22:34

Either way it’s clear he is never going to be honest with you if he did sleep with her.

I’m a big believer in trusting your gut. What made you suspicious in the first place? If it’s still eating away at you ten years later, is it worth it? The trust has gone.

Sosad2021 · 13/02/2021 06:20

Do you want to spend your life watching every move

Woebegonad · 13/02/2021 06:40

He's a cheat and a liar.

You'll never be happy with him because you can't trust him.

Maximum51 · 13/02/2021 08:04

I’m in a similar position actually. I plod along with our life which is great really (we have a DC) but I have a pretty solid suspicion which resurfaces often. Perhaps I should have left a few years ago, but now DC would be devastated and currently at a sensitive age. Right now, I cant put my mental wellbeing before DC’s.

I think we have to either accept he is truthful about what happened and move on, or we accept trust is gone and we break up. Its hard and mentally draining feeling this way and very bad for self esteem.

Have you talked to anyone about it? Has he tried to demonstrate to you he can be trusted?

Original poster

CMP345 · 13/02/2021 08:17

He hasn't been for a night out since then. I feel like he shocked himself by stepping over the line. I've never felt he was cheating at any other time, before or after this and I think he's terrified I'll leave him. Like you, I have children to consider. The problem is, I can't just walk out because he talked to a woman. I'm not even sure I'd want to leave if I knew, but it's the feeling that he is lying and thinking that if he keeps lying I'll just forget which bugs me so much.

OP posts:

soresore · 13/02/2021 08:20

I am in a similar situation. It's horrible and my DP doesn't understand why sometimes I am irritated with him randomly (because I have thought about it for some reason). I also have DC that I don't leave, and don't want too.

I don't know how we get over it to be honest, it's really hard. Everyone will say get over it or leave. But it's not black and white like that is it.

Original poster

CMP345 · 13/02/2021 08:22

I've talked to one friend who was lovely and reassured me that it's not unreasonable to be worried about this, but no one except him can tell me the truth about it. I do try to accept and move on, but it resurfaces every few months and torments me.

OP posts:

anynamewilldo2021 · 13/02/2021 08:23

What were the circumstances of their meet? Was he out overnight?

Original poster

CMP345 · 13/02/2021 08:27

It's so hard living in two realities. In one where everything is great now and I'd trust him, but also feeling that I should be able to challenge him and have the chance to be furious and at least get him to acknowledge what he did.

OP posts:

category12 · 13/02/2021 08:28

Well, you actually know he was lying, because it turned out that he was with a woman not a male friend.

So it's a matter of how far it went.

Maybe it's worth having another conversation about it, that it is a constant nag in your head and you need him to be honest about it, lie and say it won't make a difference 10 years on, but it's really bad for your mental health living like this.

Original poster

CMP345 · 13/02/2021 08:33

He spent the night with a woman he met in a nightclub, told me he'd gone home with a male friend. I didn't really believe that but he convinced me so I didn't mind when he went out a couple of weeks later and said his friend had left early and he'd hung around chatting to people. This struck me as odd - was he covering his back if his friend said he couldn't remember that night out? The male friend story niggled at me for years and he eventually admitted it was a woman but still swears he only met her once and they just talked. However the fact he lied so convincingly and I went against my gut, proves that he can and will lie through his teeth to get out of trouble!

OP posts:

category12 · 13/02/2021 08:45

So from the outside, it's pretty open and shut that he cheated then.

Original poster

CMP345 · 13/02/2021 08:51

I agree that anyone hearing the circumstances would say it's obvious. It's so frustrating feeling that he thinks I'm an idiot for believing him when actually I don't. But I have no option but to just carry on as normal because he won't admit it.

OP posts:

category12 · 13/02/2021 09:13

How about saying - I simply don't believe you about it, I think you cheated, i think you've been lying for years, your gaslighting is actually emotional abuse and damaging to my mental wellbeing. I need you to come clean and we can move on together.

Lozzerbmc · 13/02/2021 09:18

So he spent the night with her and nothing happened....? ... i think you need to have a conversation with him again otherwise it will just continue to torment you.

Original poster

CMP345 · 13/02/2021 09:18

I've certainly said I don't believe him. I think he loves his home, his kids - and me and sees his whole world crashing down if he tells me. He thinks if he keeps lying it will fade into time. Of course maybe he is telling the truth with no way of proving it?

OP posts:

Callingallskeletons · 13/02/2021 09:21

@category12

Exactly this ☝🏻

boymum9 · 13/02/2021 09:22

Op I can really understand your predicament!

I had a similar situation, there were 2 instances with my ex husband (you'll note the EX!) one at the beginning of our relationship he disappear for one night, said he was tired and at home but when I went over the next day he'd left a train ticket on the side that was him returning from a nearby city that morning, he then changed story and said he with friends for a second night out in a row but didn't want to tell me, but it never sat well with me because when I then said I'd like to speak to his friend to ask he went and shut himself in the loo and text his friend "if she calls tell her I was with you!" !! (we'd only been together a year at this point and I should have listening to my gut and left).
Fast forward 5 years from then and we're engaged and he makes a friend out of this woman in another country where he was for work, involved an emotional affair at least, everything trust wise was always amplified because of that first instance when we were first together.

Fast forward another 5 years, we're married and have 2 children and trust issues still niggled because of that bloody night 10 years before, I put it aside for years but other little things popped up over the years that niggled, and I never felt I could rest easy because the trust wasn't there. It got to the point where other problems we had in our marriage didn't seem workable to me because of the trust issues that stemmed from that first instance and I left him.

What transpired since is that he actually had gone to meet a woman that night even though he swore blindly to me for 10 years that wasn't the case. Also transpired that he just is generally a huge liar and a controlling person.

It's been a tough few years but now I feel so free everyday that I don't live in a life of constant doubt and mistrust. It's a great feeling. I have a wonderful partner who I trust implicitly and is a million miles away from ex h.

My advice is you either need to find a way to put it behind you for good, well and truly, move on and never think about it again (as much as possible) and do what you can to live your lives together happily and free of doubt, or leave, if be prepared to live a life of doubt niggling away at you.

DinosaurDiana · 13/02/2021 09:24

He lied to you.
He is a liar.
You will never, ever trust him again.
You will spend your life wondering if he’s lying again, if he’s where he said he is.
Resentment will kick in and it will be over.

Callingallskeletons · 13/02/2021 09:25

Sorry OP cross posted there just before your update, I’m so sorry this is happening to you it’s truly a shit situation to be in (I have been in similar but luckily we weren’t married/were much younger without DC, I can only imagine the heartbreak now)

You NEED to know the truth, you can tell DH that you already believe the worst but without confirmation you cannot process it and without proper processing and closure this will hang over you forever - if he doesn’t tell you the truth you will likely split anyway eventually, resentment and no trust eats away at a person (and a relationship) until there will be nothing left

anynamewilldo2021 · 13/02/2021 10:31

So he met her on a night out, spent the night then potentially went to meet her two weeks later?

How is your relationship?

Let's assume he did cheat. Maybe he's been regretting it ever since, and to be honest there's nothing to be gained from him admitting it now except to make you upset.

Look forward. Focus on how things are now.

Original poster

CMP345 · 13/02/2021 10:57

That's what I try to do 99% of the time. It's just easier said than done!

OP posts:

baubled · 13/02/2021 11:15

What's his reaction when you bring it up OP?

He's a shit for lying about spending the night with the woman, if he had come clean all them years ago it would have been much easier.

Just my opinion but I think you're at a point where you choose to accept that either he's not going to tell the truth or that he actually is telling the truth and decided what you're going to do from that point.

If he did do more than talk, I can see why he wouldn't tel you now for the reasons you mention, you're staying and he has family and happy life around him and the only thing he has to do is bat off the accusations when they're brought up, I would probably do the same- there's no way 10 years in that I would admit to lying for so long with so much to loose.

You shouldn't have to do this because you've done nothing wrong, but I would be thinking about a bit of counselling to see if you can find a different way to look at it/process it if you're going to stay in the marriage, just for your own well being.

MrsWindass · 13/02/2021 11:21

@CMP345

Why did he eventually confess?

Original poster

CMP345 · 13/02/2021 12:07

We did go through a rocky patch when the kids were little - I think he found it hard to adjust. After a few years things were getting a bit better and we were having a heart to heart. I said I still didn't believe he'd met some old school friend and gone home with him and he admitted it. At first I was pleased he'd told me and trusted his story but the trouble is, that I then started to question the fact he'd gone out again so soon after. He's confessed just enough to say 'sorry I was wrong' but not quite enough to give me justification for being really mad with him.

OP posts:

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