How do you let go of suspicion?

[CMP345]

I suspect that my OH had a short affair 10 years ago. It's one of those things where my gut feeling told me something was going on. After a few years of him lying to me he confessed that he had been with a woman at a time when he said he had been with a male friend but still absolutely swears blind that nothing physical happened and that he only met her once. My instinct and my sense all tell me that more went on than he has admitted to, but he is stubborn and I know he is committed to our relationship now and is unlikely ever to confess. I go on with life quite happily but then every so often something triggers the thought that he has been unfaithful and I obsess over it, sometimes I challenge him, but he still denies everything. Who knows? Maybe it is as he says and he made only a very small mistake of spending time talking to a woman all night when he should have been at home. As he says, it is now, all a long time in the past. But I hate the niggling doubt which casts a shadow over our relationship! Does anyone have any experience or guidance on how to move on, accept that he may have been unfaithful and I'll never know, but not keep obsessing over it? - Am I being unreasonable in not letting it go?

[Marineboy67]

It's the not knowing is worse and what might have occurred. It eats away at you and just causes resentment. My ex wife had a minor dalience whilst we were together. I was busy working trying to keep a roof over our heads with a new baby and toddler and my so called friend was popping in. We only kissed she said we didn't think it was fair on you having sex. Hmm and the moon is made of cheese. Trust your gut. We stayed together for another 20 years after that. Wish I hadn't. Do you still want to be thinking the same thing in the future?

[CMP345]

Thank you for all your comments and sharing your own experiences.

[Dery]

Hi OP - I would approach this from a different angle. Yes, I think he lied to you about what he got up to with this woman but I wouldn’t call an ill-judged, possibly drunken ONS a short affair. And IF it was only a 1 night stand 10 years ago and IF things have been great since and you’ve had no reason to question his fidelity since, then I would chalk it up as a serious mistake but one which you can move on from.

I should say - in the interests of full disclosure - that DH and I had a period of open relationship. He slept with 1 other woman and I slept with 1 other man. So I’ve been in a place where having sex with another person was accommodated so perhaps I see it as more forgivable in certain circumstances than some other people would.

You didn’t choose this situation. But I think if things have been good since, it seems a shame to let this fester and possibly spoil your relationship and your peace of mind.

[CMP345]

There's more bound up in it than 'just a one night stand'. A few months before I'd had a miscarriage, then at the time, I was pregnant, coping with a toddler, being bullied at work by a ( female) boss who thought mothers should work full time or give up work altogether and instead of being supportive, he played the 'poor me, my wife's not giving me attention' card with another, younger, woman. He admitted he went home with her because he wanted some attention but thinks he can convince me that she asked him back to her place just to listen to his marital woes. I think it's not just the idea of 'sex' which upsets me but the idea that he'd go off with someone else for a bit of fun rather than support me.

[CMP345]

I should also mention that the friend he went to the nightclub with is a woman so it's not as if I'm jealous of him talking to women.

[Hullish]

What do you want to do OP?

It wouldn’t be the sex for me, and given what you have said I think he did have sex with her, it would be exactly what you just said - running to another woman while you were dealing with all of that. He sound like a prick.

[Circemstances]

It's awful. It really does eat away at you, like others have said. It is painful, rots your self-esteem and fuels bitterness.

You might learn to live with it, but you won't get past it. You know that already I suspect.

[Whatdirection]

Dear OP,

I am battling with something similar. My husband ‘confessed’ six months ago to some historic dalliances ( no more than kissing apparently)

I have gone round in circles trying to decide what l think and if he is being truthful. However recently l have realised this is a wild goose chase. I will never know the truth as the person who has the best access to it has been dishonest.

I think you need to accept that you will never know what exactly happened. You are not in control of the narrative and never will be. This is exceptionally difficult for you.

However you can decide how you feel about his dishonesty. You know for certain he lied to you for over two years. He has also manipulated you. He wanted you to believe a version of events that weren’t true.

I find increasingly this is what l am focusing on. My DH withheld the truth for 25 years. This knowledge is solid ground for me and cannot be explained away. My next question to myself is, now l have some clarity, what am l going to do about it?

Taking the next step feels terrifying but in my heart l can’t see any future with him. Once the trust is gone and a lack of respect is clear then how can true peace and contentment be achieved?

[boymum9]

Leading on from my post and what I went through, I entirely agree with @Whatdirection

[CMP345]

So, I've been thinking loads. Taking in all your responses and trying to rationalise. In many ways I agree with the idea that it's 10 years ago, we all make mistakes. But then, why can't I let go. Obsessing over various things I realise it's because I think he slept with her to punish me for having a second child. Later he has told me he didn't want another and just agreed to 'keep me happy'. I think he justified his dalience and was able to lie with such conviction because he thought, well she got the baby she wanted, I had a fling, now we're even. I also realise that the reason he told me he did go home with a woman, wasn't a moment of honesty, it's because his best friend who he'd been out with that night once said some strange things when she was drunk. At the time I thought she was being mean to me but now think she was freaking him out that she might tell me something. I think he told me about the woman to cover his back if she said something. What has brought this up now is that our daughter has just turned 10 and after being resentful towards her when she was a baby, he now thinks she's the most wonderful child. I should be happy but it feels like a slap in the face thinking that he must have hated me when I was pregnant. I do feel that it's crunch time. I can't keep going with so much distrust.

[Whatdirection]

I think you can’t let it go because you have not had the opportunity to let out your feelings properly. You have had to suppress, minimise, squash - you have all these repressed emotions still inside your body.

One thing stands out to me on your original post. You describe this night spent ‘talking’ with another woman as a ‘very small mistake’.

I would describe going to the shops and getting apples instead of bananas as a very small mistake!

You only have his story to go on but even by his own words, this was unacceptable behaviour. I can’t think of many women who would shrug this off lightly.

I can’t comment on if he did these actions to punish you for having a second child. But it does appear he felt ‘neglected’. My DH responds very badly if my attention moves away from him for too long. This is fundamentally because he views his needs as more important than mine and this has been evident throughout our marriage.

Would you say your partner is like this generally? If so it’s not a good quality to have. If however you feel he has matured and ‘shaped up’ as the years go by, then maybe you need to make a judgement based on what your relationship is like now and going forward?

[Lozzerbmc]

Hi OP how are you doing? Have you talked to DH at all?

[CMP345]

Thank you for asking. Everything is pretty bad! I confronted him again and again he looked me in the eyes and said he didn't sleep with her. However during the discussion he did also question whether the friend who I think nearly let on when she was drunk was an 'honest person'. Trouble is, it's things like this which dig him in a deeper hole! Why would he say a friend he'd had for years and may be many things but is certainly not known for dishonesty, might lie? He strangely cut off all contact with her after she'd drunkenly said things, yet he claimed for a while she didn't know he'd left the club with a woman. Sorry for the ramble! I'm just in a state because I don't know the way forward. Lots of people have said on here that to move on I have to accept that he is telling the truth. I've tried so hard for years to do this but I have to acknowledge to myself that there have been too many lies in what he's said for me to truly believe him. I can accept that he might have done something wrong and could forgive him for that but it's the fact that he can lie to me and expect me to believe the unbelievable which makes me wonder whether I can ever trust him again. I've written it all to him in a letter and I'm not talking to him. Not sure what will happen next.

[Whatdirection]

I don’t think you have to accept he is telling the truth. I think you have to come to terms that you may never get to the bottom of it.

Have you thought about contacting the woman friend who he is trying hard to discredit. She has far less reason to lie than he does. She might shed some light on the matter and l think l might be tempted to do that.

However if he says she’s lying you are back to square one - who do you believe?

Be kind to yourself - remind yourself that this is not your doing. You can’t control your husband and his behaviour but you can decide how you respond to him. Eg suggest a short break and he moves out to give you head space for a few weeks.

Xx

[category12]

Isn't it more the case you have to accept he lied and has continued to lie, if you stay with him?

People telling you to accept his "truth" are telling you to ignore the facts that you know he's lied and the extremely high probability he cheated - no wonder it doesn't work and there's unsettling cognitive dissonance. If you stay, it's more the case you are deciding that is in the past and you can never be confident you will know the truth - and whether you can live with that.

[Lozzerbmc]

Sorry you’re going through this - i have been there. It feels like the friend might know something which is why he is trying to discredit her and cut her off a bit. I hope the letter makes him think about your feelings and about opening up and being honest so you can get this dealt with once and for all.

[Ladj]

You're not over it because you know deep down he's lied to you for all this time. Women's intuition is very strong, we just know. If it was innocent why lie in the first place? Most men are cowards and will lie if they can get away with it.

[suggestionsplease1]

You're in a real bind with this one OP.

I think he knows and you know that it is almost certainly over if he were to say now 'Yes, actually, something did happen'.

If he is desperate to keep your relationship he is stuck trying to maintain this position that nothing did.

If you could reassure him that if you knew the full truth, even if something did happen, that you would still want to make the relationship work, then he might fess up (if something did indeed happen)

But you, understandably, probably can't offer him that reassurance.

His options are 'Tell the truth and lose the relationship'

'Maintain the position and hope it's enough to retain the relationship'

And that leaves you dealing with the uncertainty of never knowing the full truth.

[Callingallskeletons]

Hope you’re ok OP, I’ve been thinking about you a lot over the last month and just hope you’re ok ☺️

[CMP345]

Thank you! It really helped letting my feelings out and hearing lots of opinions. I had a pretty major wobble for a few weeks but I've come out the other side. I am trying really hard to be positive and look forwards. I struggled for ages with feeling that I didn't have the right to be angry or challenge my DH about it all and that maybe it wasn't important. But I needed to acknowledge that even if 'nothing happened' he still shouldn't have gone home with someone and that the deception has damaged my trust in him. Now I have let a lot of that anger out and have to try and move forward. I'm really hoping I can find the strength to do that. xx