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Original poster

Should I be concerned about his relationship with ExW?

49 replies

HotRat · 12/02/2021 18:24

Ive been with boyfriend 18 months. We are both divorced 5+ years, with two kids each.

He used to live in the same town as me but recently moved for work to a town close to ExW, 45 minutes from me. We see each other one/two days a week but not met kids.

Since he moved we spend longer periods together as less local, so maybe 24 hours at a time. So I've noticed his relationship with ExW is much closer than mine with exH. She seems to message a lot, which he complains to me about. But then he does things which seem to encourage close contact, for eg she phoned and complained the kids were using the TV for gaming so he lent her one for her bedroom.

He offers to do DIY for her. When ExW father was having pension issues BF started advising/getting involved (he doesnt have any expertise in this...). Then ExW was having issues with her new partner so bf started advising her to leave him etc, seemed to be an outlet for her to vent about him.

When I am with BF he will often tell me about ExW latest work/family drama, which I'm not overly interested in. I listen politely, but I find it a bit bizarre. He moans about her 'incessant woman', I dont have this issue with ExH as I'm just not interested/involved in his life the same way, I definitely wouldn't be lending him a TV or advising his relatives on issues I have no expertise. BF likes to be 'helpful' so maybe that's why.

When I asked him when he would tell her about me, he said 'when we meet kids' and 'not keen on telling her my business'. He hasn't asked me to meet kids though, he's alluded to it but didn't seem keen when I tried to set a date. I'm not overly keen on being a 'secret' from her, although his relatives know about me.

Is this all within the realms of 'normal' or should I worry? I feel a bit insecure that he has a close relationship with her and she doesn't know about me!

OP posts:
Oldbutnew · 12/02/2021 18:32

I have the exact same. 18 months in and his kids and exw dont know I exist.
I've never met his family or friends either although I think they know I exist.
To be fair i think lockdown has stopped it but i may be kidding myself.
I hate it. I don't want to be a secret, if we are a couple I want us to be one properly.
So, no advice but I get you sadly

booboo24 · 12/02/2021 22:55

All of it sounds ok except for the fact that you're a secret, that's a huge red flag to me

Misty9 · 12/02/2021 23:11

18 months and he hasn't told her?! Who left who...?

Tallybeebloom · 12/02/2021 23:20

To be honest, he sounds like my exh, except I don't call or message him all the time. My ex just has that kind of personality where he will always do things for people, at first I thought it was a good thing but over time I realised it wasn't - it was like a hero/martyr complex. He would also always give advice on things he knew nothing about, but say it with such confidence that people would think he really knew what he was talking about. He also knows far more about me and my life, than I know about his (nothing). He wouldn't tell me if he had a new girlfriend or anything but I believe that also comes into the whole hero/martyr thing, it's because he wants to maintain this image of himself as not having moved on quickly (whereas I have) so poor him.
Based on what my ex is like, I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that he's not over his exw, but it could be a sign of something else.

Megansocks · 12/02/2021 23:24

Sounds dodgy as hell

feellikeanun · 12/02/2021 23:32

How old are his kids? If quite young maybe this is the reason. Bit strange they don't know about you after 18 months though.

DuchessofHastings1 · 13/02/2021 00:01

Sorry you have been together for a year and half and never seen his kids?
That's strange right there.
How more serious do you have to be?

Oldbutnew · 13/02/2021 00:22

Is it that strange? We've been together 18 months and my dp hasnt met my kids or me his either. His exw doesn't know about me either.....
Blending families is a huge deal is it really so strange to be cautious. I'm genuinely asking.

aboutbloodytime123 · 13/02/2021 10:22

How old are the DC? ExH is in touch with me a lot and definitely overshares/leans on me but our kids are young so we need to be in regular contact about stuff that's going on with them. DP is aware but tbh I try not to involve him in exH's own "dramas" because I know it's not of interest and it would annoy him (rightly!). I don't hide it but I wouldn't make a point of telling him when exH is having a moan about something that frankly has nothing to do with me, let alone DP!

ChristmasFluff · 13/02/2021 11:14

Really dodgy that she doesn't know about you.

I get on really well with my exH, but there have to be boundaries, they demonstrate that the 'old' relationship is over, and the new co-parenting one is in place. Whereas your BF and his exW are still eachother's 'go to' person, just as if they were still married. It makes it harder to move on for both of them.

His moaning means nothing if he doesn't enforce a boundary by not getting involved in conversations with her. His reasons for not telling her about you do not stack up - at some point you are going to potentially be a step-parent - as a courtesy she should know you exist. I knew about exH's now-wife at a very early stage, as soon as it was 'official'.

I'd be concerned that he doesn't see you as a long-term part of his life. 18 months is a long time - yet you haven't met his children. If he were planning on having you stick around, wouldn't he have done that by now?

seensome · 13/02/2021 11:42

I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to know the ins and outs of an ex's daily life, especially after saying he doesn't like telling her his business but feels the need to talk all about her. I wouldn't take the relationship that seriously after 18 months of being a secret and no plans to meet his family

IJustWantSomeBees · 13/02/2021 12:51

Sounds dodgy, I wouldn't settle for this personally.

LatentPhase · 13/02/2021 13:15

The ‘boundary’ between these two is a one-way valve. He’s still ‘in’ his relationship with exW. You getting to hear all about her while remaining a secret. Each to their own. But nah, it would be ‘bye bye’ from me.

singlemummanurse · 13/02/2021 13:27

@Oldbutnew

Is it that strange? We've been together 18 months and my dp hasnt met my kids or me his either. His exw doesn't know about me either..... Blending families is a huge deal is it really so strange to be cautious. I'm genuinely asking.
Yes it's strange. To invest a year and a half building a relationship with someone and not introducing the most important people in your life, to not find out whether they get along, how each other treats the children. If it is a complete disaster what happens, have you wasted a year and a half and opened yourself up to heartache or do you decide you are too invested and you force that relationship on your kids? There is a balance between not introducing kids and partners too early into the relationship and kids getting attached and not working out and making sure the relationship is going somewhere before introducing kids into the mix but if at 18 months you are not sure about the relationship to the point you don't want to introduce your kids i don't think it's going to work imo.
RoseAndRose · 13/02/2021 13:39

Are you in UK?

Because if your pattern of meeting is not within the covid rules (he's bubbled with her to see the DC indoors at hers through the winter) then then that's a whole separate reason not to divulge that he is also indoors at yours.

Original poster
HotRat · 13/02/2021 22:11

His kids are 10 and 12. He doesnt have a bubble with her, as in theory they drop off and pick up kids at the door. She's in a bubble with her bf.

OP posts:
Rollypollygoo · 13/02/2021 22:30

I wouldn't be concerned about anything you've said. My DC are younger than yours and I wouldn't want to introduce them or go into much detail about someone I've been seeing for 18months. I wouldn't want them to get to 16 and wonder why on earth I introduced them to X and Y and Z, in case the relationships ending up breaking down. 18months is really not a long enough time when there are young children involved, in my opinion.

I'd expect his friends/family to know about me, i.e my existence/our relationship and allude to me in conversation etc but I wouldn't read into that if his ex wife didn't. Also, have you asked you not to tell you so much about his ex wife?

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 00:25

OP it doesn't really matter what others see as 'normal', it's how you feel. And something is off to you.
Tbh, 18 months in , you know if you wanna introduce kids or not. You just know.

And yes it is a little strange the contact he has with her that is un needed. They seem to be still tangled up in the bit between ex and letting go. It's a strange time, usually that only alters when one or both people move on. You know what I mean, the bit when you stop thinking of your ex as often.and you start thinking of your future without them as much. It happens naturally.
He says he's moving on but emotionally he's very much still tied to her.

I think you know/recognise this and it's bothering you

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 00:30

Also if he's talking about her to you a lot, then she's on his mind. Prob without him realising actually.
I wouldn't dream about talking about my ex husband, unless it came up in conversation, because I don't think about him that much anymore.
Your boyf still has one foot in his past

KarmaNoMore · 14/02/2021 00:32

I think it is a really bad sign she doesn’t know about you. I do also think is bonkers to wait so long to introduce the kids, what if you don’t get along?

The fact that he is living 45 minutes away also complicates things for the future.

It doesn’t sound good, OP.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/02/2021 03:12

So she has a BF and your DP advises her about her relationship, but she doesn't even know about you after 18 months!? That's madness.

With Covid and all, I can see why it hasn't been necessary to introduce the DCs to each other, but I do think that if you're both serious that the DCs should at least know about the other person, even if they don't spend time together. I'd feel like I was keeping a massive secret from my DC if I hadn't told them about an important part of my life.

Re the TV and phone calls etc, that's exactly the type of thing my DP would do for his ex (and me for mine) - we all find our own level of comfort for interactions and boundaries. So although it may be a step too far for you, and some others, it isn't - in and of itself - necessarily a problem. However the secrecy would be a massive problem for me.

Original poster
HotRat · 16/02/2021 07:28

@Silenceisgolden20 that's exactly what bothers me. Even though he left her 7 years ago or so, he is still very much 'in' a close relationship with her, by being a go to person for her with her relationship etc.

I know he doesnt like her bf of 2 years, he has told me he's really disappointed she's with him (not sure whether for her or the kids...) could he be acting single to her so he can still 'influence' her to leave this guy? Maybe he thinks his views and opinions will count for less with her if she knows he has a girlfriend?

How to go about addressing this? Just be honest and say I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't know he has a girlfriend? That I dont need to meet her/the kids but I feel crap being a secret?

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 16/02/2021 08:33

Yes talk to him. Don't put up with being a secret.
He hasnt told her prob because hes uncomfortable with telling her.

Tbh, unless it's to do with their children, her views and opinions are something he really shouldn't put before you. His views and opinions really shouldn't bother her either. Not to an extent it effects the other partner.

Why is he even mentioning her drama to you? Maybe everytime say I'm really not interested. Shut it down. Maybe he's using you to process it all, a nice listening ear.

His head is still mixed up with her.
Start saying why do you care? Or not this again. Don't listen to it.

Original poster
HotRat · 16/02/2021 08:47

Thanks @Silenceisgolden20 tbh I'm feeling like I'm of much lower importance than her to him, although of course kids come first and she's their mum, he is way more caught up in the rest of her life than he is with me.

I find it really odd, as he was the one who left her an the divorce was years ago. I guess you can still be very close bonded to someone even if you can't/dont want to be married or live with them.

Its possible this will end my relationship, as he may find my question too 'pressured' but I guess if that's the case then it was never meant to be, sadly.

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 16/02/2021 08:58

He may be carrying a lot of guilt around with him over their split. This could be his way of easing that in his head. Who knows.
Yes they have bonds from the past that will always be part of his life. I don't think you are asking him to forget that. But you are his future and yes you are the important one now.
If he sees that's as too much pressure, he will never move on.
They can still be friendly and get on with the kids but step back from each other.

Don't accept this half hearted relationship if you're not happy