Should I be concerned about his relationship with ExW?

[HotRat]

Ive been with boyfriend 18 months. We are both divorced 5+ years, with two kids each.

He used to live in the same town as me but recently moved for work to a town close to ExW, 45 minutes from me. We see each other one/two days a week but not met kids.

Since he moved we spend longer periods together as less local, so maybe 24 hours at a time. So I've noticed his relationship with ExW is much closer than mine with exH. She seems to message a lot, which he complains to me about. But then he does things which seem to encourage close contact, for eg she phoned and complained the kids were using the TV for gaming so he lent her one for her bedroom.

He offers to do DIY for her. When ExW father was having pension issues BF started advising/getting involved (he doesnt have any expertise in this...). Then ExW was having issues with her new partner so bf started advising her to leave him etc, seemed to be an outlet for her to vent about him.

When I am with BF he will often tell me about ExW latest work/family drama, which I'm not overly interested in. I listen politely, but I find it a bit bizarre. He moans about her 'incessant woman', I dont have this issue with ExH as I'm just not interested/involved in his life the same way, I definitely wouldn't be lending him a TV or advising his relatives on issues I have no expertise. BF likes to be 'helpful' so maybe that's why.

When I asked him when he would tell her about me, he said 'when we meet kids' and 'not keen on telling her my business'. He hasn't asked me to meet kids though, he's alluded to it but didn't seem keen when I tried to set a date. I'm not overly keen on being a 'secret' from her, although his relatives know about me.

Is this all within the realms of 'normal' or should I worry? I feel a bit insecure that he has a close relationship with her and she doesn't know about me!

Honestly, my exh and I were exactly like this for a couple of years after we separated. We had been together 13 years, had a 3yo and both live on the other side of the world to our families.

It only really started to change to a more co-parenting style relationship when his gf put her foot down and said I'm not comfortable with this level of contact.

I accepted it completely and wasn't really aware that we had been inappropriate in our constant contact, having never been divorced with a child. There was nothing sinister, we just still needed each other (our divorce was fairly amicable) realising it was hurting his gf we both pulled back a bit but even now we are in almost daily contact, we live a couple of streets apart and have a family WhatsApp group about our son which includes our respective partners.

Sorry posted too soon.

The secret thing is wrong, maybe in the early months but after this long she ought to know he has a gf, have you asked him why he hasn't told her? I can't imagine keeping something like that from my exh even if kids haven't been introduced yet especially as they appear friends. It's not sounding as though she would stop contact or anything which I know happens sometimes.

Everyone handles divorce differently. Some people keep their ex at arms length and only speak to them when absolutely necessary, other people maintain a close friendship. I know of divorced couples who are the best of friends and their new partner’s are so happy about it they all go to the pub together! It’s not for me personally but I know it works for some.

I’d be slightly concerned that you haven’t met his DC yet. They’re old enough to understand and you could have met them when restrictions eased over summer. The fact he hasn’t even told them about you is a red flag imo, it’s been 18 months not weeks.

@beingsunny when I asked him a couple of months ago he said he didn't really like to share his business with her, but she definitely shares her information about her life with him! He said when we meet kids etc, but he hasn't suggested this either.

I think I will need to ask him. As his exwife is in a relationship I cant see why he shouldn't be open that he's in one too. They've been divorced for years. Id say their friendship seems close but a bit volatile on her side, not really a reason not to tell her about me though I dont think.

The difference between divorced couples being best friends and going to the pub together with new partners is that everyone knows about each other and respect they have new partners.

The OP hasn't told his ex wife about his girlf but is heavily involved in her life.

That's a cop out saying he doesn't want her to know his business. He is avoiding it.
He's managing it in a way that he avoids the most confrontation.

@Silenceisgolden20 I agree that not telling her is a way of avoiding any conflict, he certainly doesn't like confrontation or arguments! But as she is in a long-term relationship I'm not sure what the repercussions could be that he's concerned about? His exW may have questions about me? Want to meet me before I could meet kids? I cant really think what she may do that would bother him?

Yeah you'll be guessing
Doesn't matter really, it's how you feel and what you want to accept.
Talk to him about it.

And she's doesn't have to meet you before you meet the kids. That's another cop out

My H was like this when we first met . He ran around after his ex wife and the reason he did it was because they had children living at home so eg if he helped her with a repair then he knew he was helping his children too . He was also appeasing his ex who was very volatile as he hoped it made for a more pleasant life for his children. He actually went and told her about me and that we were moving in together . This did result in a lot of erratic behaviour from her for a year or more but it settled down after that . She is now in her own house and he does not help out as much - might do a technical thing for the kids . Do you think this could be a reason ?

@MrsWindass tbh your experience sounds highly likely to be what is going on with my bf. He hates it when there's any volatility, plus he loves his kids. I guess I could be a 'secret' for a long time if I dont ask though.

I think it’s difficult to judge tbh, Covid and lockdown has changed how relationship’s progress. But normally I would be a bit concerned that your relationship has not yet progressed to the meeting kids and family stage. Are you sure you both want the same things?

He sounds like he prioritises his children’s needs and his relationship with them, and this of course involves his ex too. For me that says he’s a good person to know, he still wants to be a daily part of their lives, having concerns about his ex’s BF could also be because of that person having contact with his children.

However I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable because your relationship with your own ex is different, and maybe feel uncertain about your own relationship with him.
You’re worried he hasn’t moved on because he talks about her so much, I would be too - is it just because with lockdown there isn’t much else going on his life? Rather than focus on ex, think about your own relationship with him - is it progressing and developing as you would like? Do you talk about the future?

@SilverBirchWithout I would say that generally things are good between us, we have ups and downs like any couple. I have a feeling that asking him when he will tell her won't go well, as he's obviously happy with the status quo. But it bothers me that I'm a secret.

I concur with other PP , it's the fact he is keeping you a secret that would bother me.

I am biased I have a good relationship with exdh and we do chat. To be honest we are far better friends than we were when we were married. Probably in retrospect we should only have been friends but I'm glad we weren't as I wouldn't have my DC. Genuinely it would be a cold day in hell before I had any interest in him romantically again but I would also give him hell on her behalf if he kept a girlfriend secret.

That's no way to treat your partner. I would bring it up with him about you being a secret but I wouldn't challenge the relationship because it doesn't sound inappropriate.

I can understand the feeling you are secret worrying you.

Maybe he discusses things about her and family to try and make you feel reassured in some way that he is being open with you.

Personally I would wait until all our lives start to feel a bit more normal as lockdown starts to ease.
Start by being interested and involved with his children’s lives - looking at photos and so on, start chatting about the future in a relaxed way. Have you thought about introducing your own children first and then see how that progresses?

Would he like it if you were constantly talking about drama with your ex husband though?

I very much doubt it.

When he talks about his ex, I'd cut him short by saying, "I don't know the woman, she doesn't even know I exist, so please can we stop the chit chat about her?"

He doesn't want her knowing his business?

Maybe next time he says that, ask him if he'd then consider butting out of hers.

Or just walk away - this is a bit enmeshed, I'd say.

Certainly 18 months is way over ultimatum time. There's no good reason he doesn't want her to know he's in a relationship - she is in one, it's been a long time. There are only negative reasons. So tell him that, tell him he tells her this week, or you're done.

Hmmm

If the ex knew about you, she may introduce more appropriate boundaries.

I think your boyfriend doesn't want that to happen.

Giant red flag that she doesn't know

Yeah agree with PPs, them being friendly isn't much of a problem but him not mentioning you to her after being together 18 months is an issue. I don't believe he doesn't want her knowing his business when they talk so much

[quote HotRat]@MrsWindass tbh your experience sounds highly likely to be what is going on with my bf. He hates it when there's any volatility, plus he loves his kids. I guess I could be a 'secret' for a long time if I dont ask though.[/quote]
So he's getting the best of both worlds. Lucky him.

Push to get heard or you never will be. You'll always wonder how important you are.
If it causes an argument, have the argument and talk about it.
If he's uncomfortable with his ex wife not knowing because its easier for him than tell him that's not good enough.

Stop this crap right now before it carries on.
He either moves on or he doesn't.

Run a mile OP. Me and my exh are good friends and we co parent very well. But our partners have also met and she met my daughter after a few months

That's odd too, not wanting to share his business with her? That might apply to the detail such as where you guys went to dinner or where your next weekend break will be.

I think I would feel like a terrible liar with a secret partner, what does he say when she asks what did you get up to on the weekend?