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Original poster

How to cut contact with ex

41 replies

Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 11:55

(Posted this in lone parents but only got one reply so trying here)

My ex doesn’t bother with our children, he’s never done any parenting since we split and I’m “lucky” if he sees them once a year, since November he has seen them once. He only now texts me weekly to ask how they are Hmm but never actually asks to see them, I’ve decided to cut contact with him but how should I go about this? do I just ignore him from now on or should I send him a message telling him? I don’t really want to send a message as I know that will open it up to him sending abuse to me but I also don’t want him to just think anything is unfinished or turn up at my house etc

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 12/02/2021 11:57

Does he pay maintenance?

If not through CMS then I suggest getting that in order.

I just wouldn’t bother replying to his texts. If he wants to have a relationship with them, it’s up to him to make the effort.

But I wouldn’t let him away with not paying for his children.

Mooselaurels · 12/02/2021 11:59

Just reply "see them and you might find out".

Every time.

Or just stop replying.

growinggreyer · 12/02/2021 11:59

You need to show that you have been reasonable. A weekly check-in to see that the kids are still alive is (while crap) probably still within that boundary. Continue on with what you are doing. Reply to his text with no emotion, just the bare bones. Let him be the one to drop contact.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 12:04

I don’t want to keep responding to his weekly texts tbh, they really piss me off that it’s all he does, he never asks much just how they are then it fizzles out after that, doesn’t ask what they’ve been up to/ how’s school/ to speak to them. But I find it hard to respond politely to him.

As for maintenance he pays £7.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 12/02/2021 12:06

£7??? What a prince.

I’d ignore him. A text a week isn’t checking in.

Rainbowshine · 12/02/2021 12:14

What would happen if you just left the text unanswered? I’d be tempted to reply in a very bland “grey rock” way, or not at all. Keep the texts, it’s evidence that he’s so uninvolved in their lives which might be worth having to demonstrate it to others in the future.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 12:23

So as I said he’s always been like this, he’s been absent for a long time, he was seeing them then basically told me he doesn’t want to see them anymore, I was really annoyed with him because how was I suppose to explain to my children that he didn’t want to see them anymore . So I (stupidly) told him to reconsider what he was saying and basically begged him to continue to see them, he refused. I left it for few weeks to give him some time but I never heard from him again so I just blocked him (On WhatsApp). After that he sent me texts every so often, think birthday Xmas, new years that kind of thing but I just ignored them. He didn’t stop though and eventually I responded (only because of the pandemic tbh) but when we spoke he had basically rewrote the whole thing, told me we was talking just fine then I just randomly blocked him Confused which is why I thought it maybe best to send a message making it clear why I won’t be responding to him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 12:24

So if I don’t respond I imagine he will continue texting every so often oblivious to why I’m not responding

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 12/02/2021 12:26

If you send any written message saying that you are refusing to keep in contact then he can take that to a solicitor with a tale of woe and it will be presented in court as evidence.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 12:29

He will not take me to court, I have no worry on that front, he doesn’t actually want to see them he is just texting out of guilt. He doesn’t want to be a parent.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 12/02/2021 12:48

@Happycat1212

He will not take me to court, I have no worry on that front, he doesn’t actually want to see them he is just texting out of guilt. He doesn’t want to be a parent.
I wouldn’t count on this. Controlling and dickish men change their tune at the drop of a hat when they see they may not be in control of the narrative anymore. I’d stop replying to him and bother sending any warning message. That will very likely enrage him.
Original poster
Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 12:57

I don’t mind if he took me to court, he’s welcome to see them, he doesn’t want to and won’t, that’s the problem, I’m not stopping him from seeing them, he doesn’t want to see them and I don’t want to continue to keep updating him on how they are over text when he doesn’t have any intention to see them he said he wouldn’t ever take me to court (I’ve told him to in the past) he has an older child he doesn’t see either and has never taken the mum to court. I don’t think he is controlling in anyway, he is just lazy and can’t be bothered to be a dad. He likes the single care free life too much, he has never even had them over night, not once in 5 years, can’t see that suddenly changing, he’s only ever seen them for a few hours once a fortnight: month during the day. maybe it’s best to just stop replying then but I just wanted to make it clear why I wasn’t responding so he didn’t carry on trying to make contact .

OP posts:
Forgotmycoat · 12/02/2021 12:58

I'm so annoyed on your behalf, how sad for the dc.

Just for once, I would be very tempted to message him before his weekly message arrives, saying 'hello there, DADDY OF THE YEAR! The kids are alive, they've almost accepted their father wants nothing to do with them, so I'd call that great progress, wouldn't you?? Anyway, now you know they're alive, no need for you to push the boat out and send further messages eh?'

Then every week after that, I'd send one saying 'kids still alive!'
He might then realize how annoying his pointless messages of 'concern' are.

OhCaptain · 12/02/2021 13:06

But what are you hoping to achieve by texting?

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 13:07

Forgotmycoat

That is very very tempting! I think the ones thinking he will take me to court really don’t get that he doesn’t actually want to be a dad, pigs will fly before he takes me to court, he refers to them as “my situation” I don’t even think he sees them as his kids tbh, he’s never had an over night, never picked them up from school, In fact he has never even been to their school, he wouldn’t take me to court as he has nowhere to have them, I explained about court contact centres etc as we can’t agree on contact and he said no he wasn’t interested. He’s gone over a year without seeing them. He’s spent more time out of their lives than in it.

OP posts:
Fortunefavours1 · 12/02/2021 13:19

@Happycat1212
Those types would sooner go to court NOT to have the dc.

Yanbu at all, those weekly messages of faux concern would infuriate me. And you have to laugh at the dc being 'your situation', otherwise you'd cry.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 13:21

Yes exactly he would never go to court, he’s never wanted them over night, so I’m not sure what he would go to court and say?? “ I don’t want my kids over night I only want to see them for a few hours once a month” even then he refused to stick to certain days/ times, he would only let me know the day before when he planned to come (probably when he had no better offers) and thought that was enough notice.

OP posts:
willowmelangell · 12/02/2021 15:17

What if you got yourself a brand new phone number on a new/2nd hand phone, all your wanted contacts go on the new phone.
Just leave your ex with your original phone number. No one else.
On the first of the month(say) use original phone to text, 'Kids are fine, we are following lockdown rules. If you want to see them, email me at [email protected].'
Repeat every first of the month.
Keep the phone charged in a shut drawer and only take it out one day a month.
Even better if you can set up an email just for contact.
Best of luck op x

Oldraver · 12/02/2021 15:20

You've blocked him once you can do it again

TeeBee · 12/02/2021 15:22

I'd just send a thumbs up emoji every single time.

LemonBreeland · 12/02/2021 15:23

Either block him, or if you feel up to it respond to every message with 'fine'

RantyAnty · 12/02/2021 15:24

You can set up an autoreply that says, they're fine.

DrinkSnackRepeat · 12/02/2021 15:26

I'd message

Sorry, who are you?

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 12/02/2021 16:48

Some good suggestions thank you! I quite like the sending the thumbs up one!

OP posts:
Anotheruser02 · 12/02/2021 17:03

I'd let him know you aren't updating him, but he's welcome to find out for himself. Something like "just text me if you want to see them, otherwise there is nothing to say".