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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH not helping me with our baby

29 replies

sheeponthewintermoor · 11/02/2021 18:20

It’s probably unfair to say he doesn’t help because he does but generally I have to ask for help.

Dc is 7 and a half weeks and she doesn’t really sleep at all during the day. Generally wakes up twice in the night to be fed. So I do all night feeds and then during the day OH is working. Obviously a bit limited what we can do with lockdown. Since she doesn’t sleep I get no downtime at all during the day and then I’m on all night and since this is the case during the week it naturally extends to weekends too.

Is this normal? He is a good person so I think it’s thoughtlessness rather than anything else.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2021 18:25

Stop asking and tell him what you need from him.

Doidontimmm · 11/02/2021 18:29

Have you spoken to him?

Passthewinebottle · 11/02/2021 18:31

Hubby & I took it in turns one evening of feeds followed by a lay in where the other took the baby downstairs each weekend.

Snowymcsnowsony · 11/02/2021 18:32

The dump and dash method...
Dump baby +changing bag /bottle.
And dash off - bath /shops /activity..
Stay firm and do not let dm guilt /dh claiming he can't manage enter your head..

Original poster
sheeponthewintermoor · 11/02/2021 18:33

No. I don’t want to sound demanding or sound as if I don’t appreciate him, I suppose. Stupid really.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 11/02/2021 18:35

Does he think she's your job? More to the point are you seeing all the baby stuff as your job? The use of "help" suggests that perhaps on some level you do.

Of course if he's out of the house during working hours, he can't do much then, but during the hours he is at home, baby care is or should be a shared responsibility. If you look at it this way, it's not about him helping you, it's actually you doing loads of his parenting for him!

Maybe have a chat about things and see what he says. Sometimes it can take a bit of stepping back and letting him get things wrong as well. Often if you've automatically been the one doing most things in the first few days this can continue as a pattern and he may feel anxious about getting it wrong or that he doesn't know what to do whereas you do. You're both new at this, so it won't take him long to catch up.

litterbird · 11/02/2021 18:36

You need to speak to him in simple language. Tell him what you need him to do. When I had my baby I was flailing around as didn't know what to do. My partner was the same but all he did was continue on the golf course, come home, work etc etc, his life didn't change. Neither of us had a clue. My health visitor and friends basically showed me what to do and what was needed to be done. I then sat my partner down and helped him understand how important it was to get involved and do things. Yes, it was annoying at first as I had to keep telling him what to d do in a supportive way not a condescending way. Eventually, I was able to take a break from my baby as my partner had built the confidence up to take control of the feeding and nappy changing, bath time and play time whilst I slept. Just talk to him calmly.

Snowymcsnowsony · 11/02/2021 18:37

Ask him what sort of relationship he hopes to have with his dc on the future... Calmly explain he needs to invest time and effort to nurture a good bond and relationship.. I once asked ds's df this. He said he wanted to take him for his first pint. At 18.. He did nothing. At all. When I left ds was 7 and didn't see him.. There was truly no relationship there at all.

mindutopia · 11/02/2021 18:38

When ours were babies, dh took them when they woke up (I tried to get an extra hour or two of sleep before he went to work), then I would hand them to him as soon as he got out of the shower after coming home. At that age, he would generally still wear them in a sling and stay up with them until about 12-1am. This meant I could get a solid block of sleep from 7pm til 12-1am, usually with one wake for a feed around 10 (I was bf). Then he would go to bed. On the weekends, I always took a long afternoon nap too.

If she is ff, you can trade off with nights. Children wake at night up until they reach school age, so there will be a long slog of night wakings to come. If she is only waking twice now and is ff, there is absolutely no reason he can't do one or sometimes both of those feeds. Assuming you will go back to work eventually, you'll both need to figure out how to function after a night of disrupted sleep and still get your work done. Even when I was bf, dh did most the nappy changes during the night because it would buy me 10 extra minutes of sleep before I had to feed them.

I think you need to just sit down and say, look, this is what I need and here is how we're going to start doing this.

Original poster
sheeponthewintermoor · 11/02/2021 18:40

He is pretty good in terms of how he loves her and so on. I don’t think it would be fair to split the nights but it would be nice if he offered to let me sleep in a bit on Saturday or Sunday.

OP posts:
Starsandsparkle01 · 11/02/2021 18:42

My husband does bed and bath time after work, and I do the weekend bath and bedtimes to give me the break in the week as I do all the night feeds and with her all day naturally on mat leave. If shes had a particularly bad night, then I may stay in bed and he will do the first feed and play time as it's when he would be up for work anyway. We have kinda found our own pattern with it. On the weekends we each have a lie in on alternate days and the other is up with the baby.

PatchworkElmer · 11/02/2021 18:45

In the early days with DS, DH sat up with him until midnight- then brought him upstairs for me to deal with for the rest of the night. Most week mornings he’d take him before he went to work so that I could shower/ do makeup. And we took one weekend night/ early morning each (because we both deserved a decent rest). I think this is fair division of the workload.

Does he think she’s your responsibility because you’re on maternity leave? Remind him that his job is from x time to y time, and that you’re working 24/7 currently.

DH was always really good, but what helped massively was me going out for the day when DS was a few weeks old. I came home to lots of “I don’t know how you go it every day!”

Arrivederla · 11/02/2021 18:46

Op - why are you waiting for him to "offer to help"? Tell him!

4Mongrels · 11/02/2021 18:46

Is she breast or formula fed? If formula I would get him to do a Friday or Sat night so you get an unbroken nights sleep. If he does the Friday night then you get up with her Sat morning then you do a Sat night and he gets up with her Sun morning or vice versa.

LannieDuck · 11/02/2021 18:59

Evenings and weekends need to be shared. Weekend lie-ins are shared (or it would be polite of him to let you have both since you're doing all the overnight wakings).

When he clocks off work, could you hand baby over and cook dinner? Similarly at weekends, could you both take one day of childcare and one day of chores (cooking, laundry, cleaning)?

LannieDuck · 11/02/2021 19:01

Also, is he going to be taking any parental leave? If he had 2-3 months of being primary childcarer coming up, you could remind him that whatever arrangements he expects you to cope with, will also be expected of him later down the line...

AliasGrape · 11/02/2021 20:22

I did the nights after the first 3 weeks (pat leave plus annual leave) but DH would still take her from say 8 till midnight so I could get 4 hours uninterrupted sleep, then he'd get up at 6 and do that bottle and take her downstairs whilst I had another hour. At the weekends he'd stay up till 2 with her. In the evenings we'd take it in turns to hold/ walk round with her whilst the other one ate or showered or whatever.

She's 6 months now, she generally sleeps through though not always. I do pretty much all night wake ups because she's ended up co sleeping with me so it happens by default, but this morning for example he heard me up with her at 5 and told me to go back to bed hed take over. He also takes her from as soon as she wakes up on a Sunday until I get up - he always tells me to stay in bed till lunchtime but in reality I have maybe an extra hours because I find it impossible to stay in bed when I can hear her these days - but at least the offer is there.

I don't think it's ok for your OH to not help at all, he should be offering to do at least one weekend night.

AliasGrape · 11/02/2021 20:26

@sheeponthewintermoor

No. I don’t want to sound demanding or sound as if I don’t appreciate him, I suppose. Stupid really.
How is he showing you how much he appreciates you and everything you're doing? Is he really happy to let you just suffer all the broken sleep because he goes to work? Does he just think anything baby related is your job now? How about as the baby grows - is he going to step up then? Does he do his share of housework/ cooking etc?
Original poster
sheeponthewintermoor · 11/02/2021 20:53

I don’t know. The baby has been awake for nearly twelve hours now. Had maybe three twenty minute sleeps in that time. Why won’t he help, why do I have to ask? Just stuck in the bedroom.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 11/02/2021 22:49

OP,

This is selfish so you need to speak up.
Otherwise this is the way your situation will remain and it will cause resentment that will ruin your relationship.

Tell him that he will be getting up with the baby on both mornings as you are doing all feeds.

Why are you with the baby all the time?
Hand the baby to him and walk away.

You have to change this NOW.

Stop being passive and tell him that you expect him to have the baby for a time EVERY evening so you can rest.

This is very important.

I hope you are going back to work.
Is he doing his share of housework?

johnd2 · 12/02/2021 00:53

Why do you have to ask? Because the alternative is to sit there in resentment while quietly expecting him to change.
If you communicate your needs clearly then it's easy for him to understand what you need and in time he will meet your needs. Or he will refuse but at least you know where you stand.
If you don't communicate then differences will fester but if you do they will be resolved.

ThrowItOnMe · 12/02/2021 01:03

Men need telling. They have no capacity to see what needs doing.

ThrowItOnMe · 12/02/2021 01:04

It's concerning to read that the baby has been awake for almost 12 hours.

sofato5miles · 12/02/2021 01:42

My first baby slept for 2 x 30 minutes a day and woke up every 2 hours at night. It was horrendous. Breast fed. Oh and i had glandular fever.

My ex, came home at 6.30 took her ,bathed her and just took over everything except feeding. He had a very demanding job in banking but he just put us first. It was that simple. Weekends, he took her out for massive walks for hours with a pumped bottled, to let me have recovery sleeps.

I certainly didn't divorce that man for being a selfish arsehole ( because he isn't) and do wonder what the fuck these useless men are actually bringing to the table as partner and father material.

MizMoonshine · 12/02/2021 02:00

I think it's normal to an extent, OP. But that's why you need to pipe up.
I'm very guilty of seeing the baby as my full time job, because DP already has one. But if I want a bath on the weekend I will make sure she's fed, regardless of what he's doing, and hand her over and sit in my bloody bath with my glittery bath bomb.
You need to assert yourself.

Yes doing all the night feeds makes sense during the week. You've got the baby to get up for in the morning, he has work. But why don't you tell him that Friday and Saturday night the feeds are his and you're also having a lie in either Saturday or Sunday morning?

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