Anyone else have a mum like this?

[Fightingback16]

It’s nothing much really and she isn’t nasty and does help me out a lot but she constantly has to say little criticisms.

For example just now she says don’t forget it’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday so I say yep I actually have bought him a funny mug for work. We only been dating 5 months. It says on the mug this guy with arrow up has an awesome girlfriend. Just something small..

....and she follows it with I bet he has enough mugs....really why not just say nothing. I expect we all have enough mugs.

Yes, I do. Little comments that show even though I'm in my thirties with kids, a mortgage and a professional career, she doesn't consider me a proper adult

Yep..figured it out it seems a weird control issue.I take not a shread of notice anymore.Mine could turn night into day if she was that way out, Her critisisms are pointless with me now and its sad cos it has affected our relationship.I now tell her only what I want her to know and puposely do not involve her in my stuff cos she has made it that way..she has lost a lot over the years by being this way with me.

Yep. Know she'd be there when I need her etc but the little comments are the hardest. I've lost a bit of weight and she told me I look like Karen carpenter....yet when I gained weight a few years back she called me porky. Comments on how tired I look. Makes me second guess gift ideas as you said. It's hard x

Yes. Funnily enough mine asked me what I was getting DP for Valentines. We've decided we're going to cook a nice meal together, but we won't do cards/gifts etc as it's just another thing we'd have to sort out at the moment and we're both stressed with various different things.

We know we love each other, just because we're not complying with the commercial norms of the day doesn't mean we don't, or that our relationship is struggling.

Yet my mum is making comments like you should at least get him a card! Alarm bells would be ringing for me if I was you! Etc etc.

Bearing in mind her and my dad got each other Valentines cards every year, and then split after 28 years of marriage in a separation that had been planned for when me and my brother left home for almost 2 decades. So you know. A valentines card doesn't necessarily show a healthy relationship!

Mine interferes as much as I allow her to. So now I shut her down. She also makes stupid comments about my relationship, exercise, hobbies etc. Sometimes I ignore it, other times I bite. She's like it with everyone she's comfortable with...

Yes me too. She's always been there when I've needed her, but if I lose weight, she comments, if I gain weight, she comments, if I run my hand through my hair she says 'Leave your hair alone!', if I don't finish drinking my cup of tea immediately and leave half of it on the cupboard to go and do something else she says 'You're always leaving half-drunk cups of tea lying around'. It's exhausting. I can't stay with her for more than 48 hours, because it drives me crazy.

@zafferana I think my mum is your mum...:half drank drinks is all I hear all the bloody time.

I’ve been living with her since Feb 2019 with 4 year old whilst my house goes through the court . Whilst I’m eternally grateful that she let us stay I can’t wait till March when I’m finally going back to my house.

In that case, @Fightingback16 you have my utmost sympathy! If my DM and I had to live together I think we'd have killed each other long ago The very thought makes me shudder.

Wait until you get a few grey hairs, that's something she always comments on too. 'Oh X, you are looking grey these days' when I have about 20 grey hairs, but they're all in a little group right at the front. After a day or two with her my tongue is bitten to shreds, because if answer her back she's even worse. It's better to just ignore ... and seethe!

@zafferana I’m 37 and have a shed load of grey hairs but in highlight it.

Me too - but lockdown is a bugger for hairdressers being closed. Mind you, I can't see her at the moment and she doesn't do Zoom, so I'm safe from her criticism on the phone

Does everyone find this increases with age too. My Mother did this all through my childhood but very slowly over time its got more common, got sharper, nastier and more negative. Also when i was a child it was family only but as shes got older its bled out to all her relationships.

I too have reached the point that I cant bear to be with her longer than half an afternoon. (mainly as I start retaliating, get snappy and frustrated with her and REALLY I don't like the person I become in her company)

The other day she was moaning that she doesn't have any friends and is so lonely (Which I don't dispute, she is terribly lonely which is a horrible horrible thing but also 100% of her own doing - she is very much CF/User to her friends and they all got wise) so I asked why she thought that was.

Jealously was the answer.

Jealous of what? I asked? She then listed all the things that she felt made her 'better' than everyone else.

Yes mine is like this. I think mums forget that we aren’t 8 years old anymore. Also forget that they aren’t in control of your life any more as they once were when we were children.

DM is unable to keep her mouth shut so comments galore here as well!!! It's very tiring when she comes to visit. She knows she is but can't control it. It's sad

I've got one of those. She did something particularly bad last year and it made me realise just what a negative, bitter, ungrateful woman my mother has become.

I've stepped back from her and we are now low contact.

My Mum can say critical things to me so I make a point of saying 'all you do is criticise, there you go again criticising' and it makes her stop and think... Whenever she slips up I tell her again to make her think about how her words effect me. She does then try to play the poor me card but atleast I make my point of her being crititical again

I've just started a thread about my own mum and then found this. Like a huge breathe of fresh air x I've found my people x

Thankfully my mum is nothing like that.

I’m the same with my grown up daughter. She and her husband don’t bother with valentines, my dh and I do but I don’t dismiss her choices.

Yep.
Told me never to cut my hair that short again ( when talking about a previous haircut)
Turned up with a new cut, told me that it didn’t suit me
Turned up with a new colour, told me it didn’t suit me
Told me I looked ‘very nice’ in my wedding day
Asked my dh at family gathering very loudly if he ‘has put on weight’ ( she overweight)
Told me I never looked after my kids right and let them get away with everything and that’s why they act like teenagers. They are teenagers
Constantly tells me I need to knock down walls and redo my house ( err, with WHAT money?)

Oh yeah I always get the “well if you like it but I wouldn’t like it like that/have it like that/have that/look like that” etc...:so what you saying is you don’t like it then!!!!

Sorry, posted too early.
Always has to be more I’ll than me.
Has everything I have ( I am a very unwell person with many different illnesses)
Asks me who, and where, and when I got diagnosed ( not sure if trying to ‘catch me out’ which would be rudiclous, or trying to get herself diagnosed too)
Will say loudly in public , (pre Covid) your breathe is awful whilst bumping into her on my lunch break
Tells me how to deal with employer ( hasn’t worked in forever)
Tells me what I should Have said at doctor/ work/ on phone to gas company..... endless endless list. Could go on and on....

@Anonanon12

My Mum can say critical things to me so I make a point of saying 'all you do is criticise, there you go again criticising' and it makes her stop and think... Whenever she slips up I tell her again to make her think about how her words effect me. She does then try to play the poor me card but atleast I make my point of her being crititical again

I did do this for a while, but she just frostily withdrew from me.

Which while it was a relief but it just made her loneliness worse and she then had a bit of a mental health crisis.

She now has a social worker, but shes even managed to alienate them! (she didn't like her first SW who sensitively but basically told her truth about why she is alone. So she lied about something they did to try and get them moved but nearly managed to get them formally dismissed. Rather than admit her lie she was happy to throw them under the bus than say she was wrong)

Her MH has now improved so I may have to restart this. Because grey rock just doesn't work for our dynamic as she seems to think 'no rise' is the same as agreement or acceptance of her comment as fact.

I came to the sad realisation that my DM is probably narcissistic, or something very wrong with her. She would always try to keep me down, criticise, be obstructive and unhelpful, make grand promises that disappointed my DC. In the end I took a break from speaking to her, because the moment I started defending myself she took severe umbrage. That break extended longer than she would have preferred so she started stalking me online, hurled abuse at me on every social media platform she could find me on, and tried to get me fired. She also decided to side with my abusive POS exh in family court and tried to maneuvre her way into a position of trust/influence on order to see my children.

I still can't quite believe how extreme she went. I don't allow her in my life at all now.

Yes my mothers the same. Sometimes I think because she can be so generous and do a lot for us she thinks she’s entitled to make backhanded comments.
She says ‘oh you really don’t want anymore children (my name)’. It pisses me off because I am an adult with three children and a husband, if I want more children I will, if I don’t I won’t. She says this regardless if we’re on the topic. She also does the tea thing.
I do try to ignore her but sometimes she just doesn’t stop lol.

My DM used to be like this and was for a really long time. I several times went NC and have spent most of my adult life LC.

My df is the same. They honestly seem as if they can't help themselves to a point (not that I have ever taken that as an excuse because growing up they wouldn't have taken that from me either). Several times I have walked away for a while and told them why.

Weirdly enough covid has had a huge impact on them. They seemed to really face their own mortality. They worked hard to change their behaviour. Over the last year I suppose there has been a change in my relationship with them. Sadly though my DM once said to me that she hoped she was repairing things with me and we had an honest conversation. She asked if I could forget about everything and pushed for an answer and I had to be honest

I said I could certainly forgive and god knows being a parent now I understood how much we all make mistakes but the sheer relentless ness of the put downs ( I once counted at 14 and for 6 weeks neither parent said anythingposiitve to me..nothing at all) meant that for 41 years it had affected me. It had changed the way I thought about myself so of course I could forgive but I couldn't just pretend it had never happened and it had all gone away. I suggested we looked to the future and focused on that. I know I hurt her with that but it was true.

She has occasionally slipped but to be fair immediately apologises.

I also have issues with constant sniping regarding weight, style and lifestyle choices.

If someone gets something she will go get the bigger better version, shes not even very subtle about it either.

After a nasty illness I had real problems with my hair so it had to be shaved off. Rather than discuss my illness just I told her I wanted a clean slate and just shaved it off while we are all locked down.

Last week she shaved hers and sent a photo to be smug because her head shape looks so better than mine, have I considered using some head scarfs (I laughed and laughed)