Anyone else have a mum like this?

[Fightingback16]

It’s nothing much really and she isn’t nasty and does help me out a lot but she constantly has to say little criticisms.

For example just now she says don’t forget it’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday so I say yep I actually have bought him a funny mug for work. We only been dating 5 months. It says on the mug this guy with arrow up has an awesome girlfriend. Just something small..

....and she follows it with I bet he has enough mugs....really why not just say nothing. I expect we all have enough mugs.

It’s sad because I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, 2 years post leaving abusive 10 year marriage and non of which I can go to my mum about for support. In face she hardly knows anything.

to clarify

Last week she shaved her head and sent a photo to be smug because she felt her head shape looks so better than mine and asked in the message:

Have you considered using some lovely head scarfs to camouflage the shape' (I laughed and laughed)

Imagine being so driven to one up someone you shave you own head!

(I am still laughing)

If someone gets something she will go get the bigger better version, shes not even very subtle about it either.

Oh god, that reminds me of the time when she compared the diamonds in our engagement rings and was pleased when hers was bigger.

Mirror that is something special for sure. Wow.

I am very LC and live miles and miles away - its helped me gain a great deal of perspective.

Im not going to lie, it took me years to get to the point that i give zero fucks for her good opinion and I cant tell you how freeing that is.

Yep.

My mum always jumps to the conclusion that I'm wrong, especially if it's something she has no knowledge of.

I have a mother like this. We had a very difficult relationship as I was growing up due to things she let happen in my childhood etc. Im sure she's narcissistic and although she comes across as the worlds best mother and nan to everyone I have to bite my tongue alot. Shes the sort that thinks she amazing as she says what she thinks even if its hurtful. Anyway we sort of have a good relationship now but she will still try and outdo do me with illnesses. I do have a lifelong illness which is so debilitating at times but two weeks ago I was covid positive and I could feel the jealousy down the phone 🤣 But within 2 days she had developed a head cold which was far worse than I was feeling. Shes so predictable and I can laugh about it now.

@TheMirrorofHerDreams
That's pretty extreme of your Mother. It gives you a clear example of the lengths she will go to for attention though! My MIL stopped my dd's Christening as she had misplaced something in her bag. Is Major Christian but actually held her hand up and stopped the Vicar dead. Recently didn't think she was getting enough attention for something so wrote to my old neighbours (I moved 20 years ago). Got a puzzled Xmas card from them mentioning it (has not spoken to me for 6 yrs).
But my own Mother is like this too.
I got overweight due to disability. For my 40th she sent me a tshirt from Cancer Research charity shop (tag on, £2.40, very typical, not an issue itself). But it was 5 sizes too big (a size 30). Subtle, Mum...
Over the last 3 years I've worked hard and lost 8st. When she saw me she said: 'God, you've aged, you look dreadful'. I replied: 'yes we've all aged over 3 years, and, maybe, but my health is better'. 'Possibly?' she replied. I just laughed at that point.
My exH is also an 'Eleven-erife' type.
I understand what made my Mother, MIL and exH like this. They all have their reasons. But boy, is it wearing.
Never happy (mostly with herself I think, but will die rather than admit it?) I no longer engage.

It's so hard when you can't go to the person who should have your back, but you know will only make things worse @Fightingback16.

I'm with @DioneTheDiabolist in offering and agree that having a mother that is disengaged unless its her issues, or at worst hypercritical is not helpful.

I hope you have friends or other family that can lift you up and offer help or genuinely sympathise.

@Fightingback16 (sorry hit send before ready) - the above is meant for you.

My mother dropped out halfway through her 'A'-levels back in the '60s. Roll forwards 25 years, and I was enduring criticisms that I'd not only stayed the course(s) with mine, but passed them all with decent grades. Roll forwards another 20 years, and it was my daughter she was criticising. According to my mother neither of us revised for our GCSEs, should never have passed them (daughter got all A stars on hers), she couldn't understand how on earth we'd been allowed to do 'A'-levels... My son is trying to study for his GCSEs this year, and she's already thrilled that his education's "not normal" and that he's adamant he wants to learn a trade, rather than sit more exams. When he was very young, she basically told him that he was too stupid to sit any exams and I suspect that's rubbed off on him (I was furious and we went NC whilst she considered what she'd said to/in front of him!). Ironically, my son's far smarter than either myself or my daughter are/could hope to be... he just doesn't want to tread down the academic path. His choice; I support him in it. Partly because I remember how awful it felt not to be supported in any of mine at that age, because my mother was resentful of my potentially out-doing her academically, socially, and so on.

I've long known she can't stand anyone out-doing her. She has to be better at everything - and yes; she has missed out on a lot in my life, certainly because of her attitude towards successes. When I graduated university, for example, neither of my parents were invited. Every occasion (birthdays, holidays) is marred by her bad temper, and everyone dances on eggshells around her. My daughter, sadly, is much the same - but she has a diagnosis of NPD, so has that as "an excuse". My mother doesn't have a diagnosis... but they're very alike. It truly wouldn't surprise me if my mother has NPD, too.