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Original poster

Would it be toxic to tell him?

40 replies

dinkidot · 10/02/2021 20:27

Ok so back story. A while ago I slept with a close friend when we were drunk. We left it there. He then told me a few weeks later he had feelings for me but I panicked and told him it wouldn't work as I was scared it would ruin our friendship group.

Since then a whole host of complications have occurred and he has been amazing and supportive throughout. My head was completely messed up during all this and I put it to the back of my mind. We then haven't spoken much until last week. He was drunk and telling me nothings changed for him he wishes it could be different but he respects my decision. Since then I can't stop thinking about it and whether I want us to be more or not.

But the complication being, the other day my friend (who doesn't know about any of this) mentioned in passing that friend had been on a walk date with someone from a dating app at the weekend.

The messages he sent were before this date but after it had been planned. Now I'm going over and over it in my head. On the one hand if it went well and he's in a good place, who am I to mess with that when I was the one whose held him at arms length all this time? But on the other hand what if it didn't go well, or if he still feels the same?

My heads a mess. Aside from all this he means a lot to me even as just a friend and I don't want to mess with him any more than I already have, and so the sensible side of me thinks I should just leave it now. But the other side thinks I might be making a big mistake in doing that.

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 10/02/2021 20:42

If in doubt, leave well alone.

Newfor2021 · 10/02/2021 20:43

Invite him round for a drink and see how it goes?!

AdaFuckingShelby · 10/02/2021 20:45

Too messy. Leave it alone

RootyT00t · 10/02/2021 20:50

Do it!

Isadora2007 · 10/02/2021 20:50

I’d go for it. A walking date isn’t much and he might be trying to move on because he believes you’ve made your decision. Life is too short for “what ifs”.

Aimee1987 · 10/02/2021 21:39

@Isadora2007

I’d go for it. A walking date isn’t much and he might be trying to move on because he believes you’ve made your decision. Life is too short for “what ifs”.
I agree with this
category12 · 10/02/2021 21:45

What do you actually want to tell him?

That you might be interested in him, or that you are interested in him?

If you're not clear on what you want (it's not clear to me from your OP), then don't mess him about, but if you are properly interested then say something.

Honeyroar · 10/02/2021 21:48

Do you like him? As a boyfriend? I can’t tell from your post! If he’s a good friend, supportive and cares for you plus there’s an attraction why wouldn’t you jump at the chance?

Dery · 10/02/2021 22:10

I don’t think you need to clear the field because he’s had a walking date with someone else but you do need to act quickly. I agree with category and honeyroar - if you are interested in him romantically then tell him now before he has many more dates with this other person. If you’re not sure how you feel then tbh that probably means that you’re not really romantically interested (you would probably know by now if you were) and you should let him move on.

Justmuddlingalong · 10/02/2021 22:13

Are you genuinely interested or are you interested because there could be someone else on the scene? Be honest with yourself, what's your motivation?

Happycat1212 · 10/02/2021 22:15

Sounds like you are only interested because he went on a date with someone else... not a good sign Hmm

Palavah · 10/02/2021 22:16

If you like him, tell him.

If this year has taught us anything surely it's that life is short, what are you waiting for?

AIMD · 10/02/2021 22:17

I’d say leave it unless you know for sure you like him and will give it a proper go.

Don’t go telling him you ‘don’t know’ or are ‘confused’ or anything like that....because that’s not fair when he is obviously starting to look at other options.

partyatthepalace · 10/02/2021 22:17

If you are interested, tell him.

But you need to figure out your own mind, so you don’t mess him about. What’s so confusing about it?

Original poster
dinkidot · 10/02/2021 23:16

I totally understand how it looks. However, I've felt this way since before I knew about the date - which was when we last spoke and he said he wished things could be different. I was considering what to do. Then this came up and now I'm in two minds whether to act on it at all. I'd say finding this out has possibly put a bit more panic in me as I'm aware I might be too late but it's not what started my feelings.

I do like him. I'm not unsure about that. But I'm also aware that if I go into this it's like to be 0-100. And for someone whose been in an abusive relationship, it's bloody scary. If it all goes wrong, I have to consider my close friendship group, he doesn't just lift right out of my life. That's why I panicked and said it wouldn't work.

I'm starting to lean towards holding off though. Im aware i might be too late. If he's met a nice girl, then good on him. He deserves it. If it doesn't go well, then maybe I'll reconsider. This would be a lot easier if I knew what the situation was with his date, but I can hardly ask him!

OP posts:
OppsUpsSide · 10/02/2021 23:20

That’s all kinds of wrong. If you want to persuade something with him who are you to decide he shouldn’t have that piece of information to make his own decision?
Based on what you’ve said I don’t think you do have his best interests at heart, it’s all about you.

OppsUpsSide · 10/02/2021 23:20

*pursue

MaLarkinn · 11/02/2021 00:34

Leave him alone now, you're just smarting because he's moved on.

Enough4me · 11/02/2021 00:42

Forget about his walking date for the moment, write a list of pros and cons about the two of you dating. If you can identify reasons that this could work, and that outweigh the negatives, then tell him you would like to discuss potentially dating if he's still interested.

When writing include feelings, hopes etc but be realistic on what you think he wants too.

londonscalling · 11/02/2021 02:42

If your friends then can't you be honest with him and tell him what you've told us (well a slightly edited version)!

Wanderlust20 · 11/02/2021 09:25

I disagree that you're messing with him - people's feeling change and develop, you are not a robot! You had good reasons to put on the brakes the first time, lots of women (not just men) get scared when someone tells them they have feelings for them. I did this with DH at first and well... Now he's my DH Smile I say go for it.

JustAnotherOldMan · 11/02/2021 09:56

Of course it would be messing with him, people’s feelings do change but
you have rejected him and he’s seeing other people, how would you like it done to you?

Happycat1212 · 11/02/2021 10:01

The difference is her feelings only “changed” when he moved on and started dating someone else, I don’t think the op is genuine I think she just doesn’t like that she isn’t centre of his attention anymore so wants to reel him back in!

MiddlesexGirl · 11/02/2021 10:10

@Happycat1212

The difference is her feelings only “changed” when he moved on and started dating someone else, I don’t think the op is genuine I think she just doesn’t like that she isn’t centre of his attention anymore so wants to reel him back in!
OP explicitly said her feelings changed before she found out about the date though.

I'm another in the camp of - life is too short - but with an awareness that it needs careful handling to avoid impacting the friendship group. Are you prepared for the consequences if it goes pear-shaped?

Happycat1212 · 11/02/2021 10:12

Yeh I’m sure they did 🙄 I don’t believe that but even if it was the case she’s now only planning to tell him now she knows he is dating others, why didn’t she want to tell him when her feelings changed, oh that’s right she thought he was still lusting over her so didn’t need to

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