I feel like I don’t connect with my husband. We’ve been together 10yrs, married 8 with 2 DCs 6 and 4.
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He has little patience and a very short temper. Before we were married he once threatened to hit me in the face with a hammer, he’s slapped me in the face once, when I was pregnant we had a row in the car and he slammed on the breaks at 70 mph cutting the seatbelt into my belly. This was a good while ago but I’m still upset about it. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for him to do something like this one more time so I can tell him it’s over. He’s broken a few things in anger including: DCs dinner plate, one of the mirrored wardrobe doors when it wouldn’t shut right, one of the kitchen chairs when DD was picking at her food. He’s very critical and often angrily calls me stupid or an oaf or tuts and sighs loudly if I drop something, forget something or mess something up. He sometimes calls me or the kids ‘fools’ ‘retards’ ‘spastics’. He threatens the kids saying things like ‘if you don’t move your arm I’ll break it!’ or ‘if you don’t hurry up and finish your food I’ll force it into your mouth’. (He tried to do this to DD once and I physically removed him).
When I say anything about this behaviour he’ll say I’m overreacting and he’s ‘been a lot better lately and it’s not fair to bring up stuff from ages ago’ but I feel ashamed and a complete idiot for putting up with it for so long! I’m worried that it will have an irreversible negative effect on the kids, they often find his temper scary or upsetting (eg DD1 doesn’t want to do her reading homework with him because he always ends up shouting at her).
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We don’t have much in common. It makes me sad to think of all the things I want to do in life but he doesn’t or won’t: to go sit on a beach, play in the sand and swim in the sea with the kids, to go hillwalking, cooking together, play board games, have friends over for dinner, or even work on home improvement projects like decorating together.
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Sometimes I feel like a single parent. He works full time (Monday to Friday) and I work flexibly part time so I have more time to look after the kids. At the weekends he works on his hobbies in another room. He rarely comes out anywhere with us and if I suggest a day out with less than a weeks prior notice it’s a definite no!! If I have something on at the weekend he’ll sit and ‘watch’ the kids with his iPad and noise cancelling headphones on. We don’t plan anything together, it’s like he doesn’t want to spend time with me and the kids. We went on a staycation holiday and he wouldn’t help plan and book it. He didn’t get excited about the adventure we could have together and the opportunity to make memories. I organised it all alone, when we were there he spent evenings on his phone ignoring me.
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When I had DD2 he totally didn’t bond with her and wouldn’t come near either of us for months. I had PND and he’s bonded and loves her now (she’s 4) but I’m still so resentful. Since then our sex life has been non existent to the point where I don’t want him to touch me. We haven’t had sex for over a year.
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I’ve thought about separating but I am so scared I’m overreacting! Im scared of feeling lonely and the kids will resent me for breaking up what they perceive to be a happy home. The temper issues sound bad but there’s lots of times he’s calm and funny and kind... am I being really stupid here? Is this over or worth working out!? Help! x