@furryboots12
Morning
*@Itstimetoquit*! Thanks for checking in
I’m ok, my head is spinning! Yesterday I was thinking about leaving a less than perfect relationship and today I’ve got this idea of domestic abuse to get used to.. it’s quite overwhelming. I suppose I’m in denial about how bad things really are! I’ve never talked to anyone about how he really is.
I didn’t flee in the night, and I don’t feel we’re in immediate danger but I’m definitely sure it’s over. I just need to find the courage to tell him and the kids
If you don't believe you are in immediate danger, and only you can make that assessment for yourself and your kids, then you have time to put things in place.
Buy a Pay as You Go SIM card for your phone, and stick a little credit on it. You check that it works, and activate it, and then usually if you don't use it, you have to top it up with a minimum every three months or so. You top them up at a supermarket checkout with cash.
Get into the habit of keep cash with you, in your purse, in a pert of your wallet, whatever. Two 20's and a 10 can be explained easily as 'just in case I'm out and I've not got my card with me.' 'Forgot my card but already filled the car with petrol', or 'in the park and kid falls and have to get to hospital'. Whatever the excuse. Keep cash accessible for if you don't want a card transaction appearing.
Think about how and where are you likely to go. Who will he phone first? Who will buckle and let something slip? Who will fold if he turns on the tears? Will he resist and go quietly if you put your foot down and tell him to leave the family home? Will he just drag it out and make promises? Are you strong enough to commit to separating, or will you buckle? Will he guilt trip the kids, or poison them with a skewed side of a story.
Kids always find out the truth in the end, but during a transitionary period, they only need one narrative. They don't need the stresses of deciding who to believe.
Will he go for joint custody? Will he conceal evidence of income? Do you know where your marriage certificate, birth certificates, passports etc are in the house? Make sure you have photographs of them in case you don't get a hold of them later. When you choose to act, you want a list of the things you need to take with you. That includes the marriage certificate, yours and your children's birth certificates, etc.
There must be a lot of information about how to sort this out most effectively. Thousands of women go through these exact same questions and fears every year. For the next six months, and probably into next winter, it will be a lot harder for him to pursue if you decide to leave (because Covid).
Also, are you tied to any debt in the household? Joint loans, credit card debt, council tax, etc. What bills come off of your account and what off of his. What happens when things do not get paid? Is there anything that is problematic if you you stop paying (of he stops paying) certain bills? Is there a joint account he can empty? Is there an problem if you cannot get access to your mail? (postman not e-mail.) Is your personal bank account e-mail only or will they send paper statements to the house for him to see what you've been buying on your personal account?
Clean up. Make sure ahead of time there aren't any bank statements left in the house etc. What in the house telegraphs that you have been planning for a while to separate?