Ex's mood constantly changing

[SallyAnn32]

Hi, I've posted previously about exh and his affair. He's been hot and cold for the entire year since we've split up. He goes from telling me that I'm the worst person ever, horrible to be with etc (even though he was always saying how amazing we were and we had a lovely life) totally rewriting history to justify his actions, to being nice as anything; can I go shopping for you, I want to give you a break from the kids (eldest dd has zero to do with him), I want to help, you're an incredible mum etc.

Who does he do this? Totally messes with my mind 🤯 he and ow aren't living together or even in the same town. So it's not like he's nice when she's not there.

Argh!!

In my experience they will be nice when they are happy and in a good mood. As soon as something goes wrong (which will be nothing to do with you) you will be the easy target to take it out on. Could it be this?

Distance yourself from him emotionally. Do not let him manipulate you. He is mentally abusive and I'm sure has been for a long time.

Only talk to him when necessary about the children. Send him one message saying 'Please only communicate with me about contact with the children. Thank you.'

Don't entertain the manipulation.

Cut out contact completely, apart from to talk about the children. He is a total shit, but you are allowing this to infest your life.

Message once a week (or whenever he sees the children) keep everything completely business like with zero emotion.

He is feeding off of your reactions. The second you stop playing to that he will get bored and stop. You have to take control of the situation now. A year of this is madness.

It's just constant mind f@ck. Last night we had a chat on the phone about eldest DD. It turned into an argument about ow as it usually does because she constantly contacts me. He tells me I'm making it up, that I'm deluded to think he was ever happy with me etc etc. Then I find myself upset and pleading that I'm a nice person and then being annoyed with myself for doing so.

He was financially controlling when we were together too.

@sunset900

In my experience they will be nice when they are happy and in a good mood. As soon as something goes wrong (which will be nothing to do with you) you will be the easy target to take it out on. Could it be this?

It could well be 🤷🏼‍♀️

I should add that he never raised his voice when we were together. He was the nicest man. Perfect husband but he's had a personality transplant recently

Block him! You have been apart a year you don't have to speak to him x

Because he wants to the hero in his own life movie narrative. And to be a hero he needs either a villain to defeat or a damsel in distress to white knight. He hasn't quite decided what role he's designated you yet. He's testing out which of your possible roles makes him feel better/powerful. Unfortunately, to him you are bit part actor in his life film . The fact it's unfair, confusing and hurtful doesn't occur to him because only the star (him) matters.

The only thing you can do is grey rock him, show complete and utter apathy. No response to anything that isn't dc contact related. No defending and fighting back when the villain, no gratitude/hope of being amicable when the damsel. If the bit part actors stop playing their designated role they are no longer useful to him.

Block the OW, you should not have to deal with her at all. If he was financially abusive, I'm sure your life will be much better when things have settled down. Time to be less 'nice' and disengage from it all.

@Thingsdogetbetter

Because he wants to the hero in his own life movie narrative. And to be a hero he needs either a villain to defeat or a damsel in distress to white knight. He hasn't quite decided what role he's designated you yet. He's testing out which of your possible roles makes him feel better/powerful. Unfortunately, to him you are bit part actor in his life film . The fact it's unfair, confusing and hurtful doesn't occur to him because only the star (him) matters.

The only thing you can do is grey rock him, show complete and utter apathy. No response to anything that isn't dc contact related. No defending and fighting back when the villain, no gratitude/hope of being amicable when the damsel. If the bit part actors stop playing their designated role they are no longer useful to him.

I love this! Thank you x

Also block his partner, if she manages to send you anything just delete it.

@Opentooffers

Block the OW, you should not have to deal with her at all. If he was financially abusive, I'm sure your life will be much better when things have settled down. Time to be less 'nice' and disengage from it all.

@Opentooffers @RandomMess she calls of of unknown number 🤦🏼‍♀️

Stop accepting calls from unknown numbers?

Get a new sim and give it only to trusted friends and finally and leave them using your old one and only respond to messages from your ex when a response is actually required.

You don't have to answer the phone, especially unknown numbers. Totally sympathise with the rest but do use a little bit of common sense.

@Krampusnolongerbabysits

You don't have to answer the phone, especially unknown numbers. Totally sympathise with the rest but do use a little bit of common sense.

Common sense does say to avoid unknown numbers. However in my job I regularly receive unknown numbers from multi-agency professionals frequently on unknown numbers. Which is why it's a pain in the arse to change it. Sometimes if I'm feeling petty I just leave her on mute on the table and get on with my day. Her time to waste 😂

That's not petty. That is fucking genius! Do it every time. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Do it every time!!! She may eventually realise...

Ah, fair enough OP, my apologies for being snarky. In all fairness, many healthcare departments etc also call from an unknown number because they would be too busy to answer return calls. Muting and letting her stew is one good approach, another one is a very loud piercing shrill whistle once you know it is her...

He's looking for attention.

I'd ignore him, keep it entirely about the kids. He doesnt care about you otherwise he'd be genuine and consistent.

Let him see you're moving on x

@Krampusnolongerbabysits

Ah, fair enough OP, my apologies for being snarky. In all fairness, many healthcare departments etc also call from an unknown number because they would be too busy to answer return calls. Muting and letting her stew is one good approach, another one is a very loud piercing shrill whistle once you know it is her...

It's ok! It was a fair point 🙂

You can pay to use a screening service if it gets really bad.

What on earth is she ringing you about??

@RandomMess

You can pay to use a screening service if it gets really bad.

What on earth is she ringing you about??

Say what?! I've never heard of this. The police said they could do it when I reported her but it was a in the future we can sort of thing. Just to tell me she hates me. The woman who's husband she stole 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

It's really weird when the OW has such an irrational hatred for the woman whose partner she got off with. Perhaps it is due to you having DC together and there always being some link that makes her so crazy. And probably paranoia, as he is very likely to do it to her too.

Sounds like harassment!

Speak to the national domestic violence helpline?

Same today - several missed calls. When I ask why did you can he said "can you send me screenshots" which I do but they're not good enough and keeps asking for more proof like the call log and recent phone number isn't enough. It's sending me totally dollally with these accusations 🤯