Is this me?

[Allforthem]

Hello, I'm really struggling and I'm not sure if this is my fault. Maybe my partner is right that I'm taking things the wrong way, I really could use some independent insights if anyone can fathom out what's going on.

He says things to me like, "people wonder why I'm with you", " you are a bit mental", "you are crazy", then says I've taken it all the wrong way when I get upset or try to question why he's saying it, making it all out to be a joke, out of context etc.
All through our relationship, he's always said things in front of our children that make me look bad, laughing at me when I try to defend myself, then rolling his eyes shaking his head when the children look at him. To me it's as if he's trying to imply to them that I'm unreasonable, unhinged, ridiculous etc. I never do anything like that to him!
He has always said personal things which upset me, such as I need to lose some weight immediately after I've given birth, such as I look haggard and seem like I don't care how I look, when I had 2 children under 1.5, both still in nappies and both waking up in the night, which only I dealt with. Then he cheated on me around that time, which he lied about for a year +, even when I presented the evidence of the phone bill showing itemised numbers with one number making up 90%, he said that the bill was wrong etc. He lied so much that I went into a severe depression. He then lost his job, I think this had something to do with his affair being with his boss, but he denies it, so then everything became about him and eventually he admitted the affair but to this day I don't know if what he told me is true or not.
We went to counselling but he lied to the therapist, I believe to save face about things, because he really cares how people perceive him, she unfortunately believed him rather than me, so nothing changed.
Anyway we got past the affair, as much as one can do so in the circumstances. He still denies lying to the therapist saying it was me that got things wrong, I'm actually starting to wonder if he believes his own lies, because those things I know for a fact are wrong.
He says I take things wrongly a lot of the time, or I misunderstand, or I can't take jokes etc every time he says something not nice. In addition he's allowed people to say what they like to me and never defends me. Sometimes he's joined in with the verbal attacks, but always says he's sorry afterwards and that he wasn't thinking about what he was doing etc.
He seems to be apologising sometimes for things he's said, then there always comes a 'but', which then always comes back to me being at fault somehow.
I'm just wondering if I literally am unable to see things how they really are and he's right, because I have previously suffered with depression. Or if not, why would he be doing these things?
He's nice some of the time too, so it's not all bad, I'm just showing the kind of things I'm confused about.
I try talking to him but somehow he turns the conversation to be that I'm just getting at him for nothing, I'm taking everything the wrong way, I'm to blame for some small reason but he's not saying I'm to blame?, that a lot of people would think I'm crazy, but he's not saying I am, or that if I really think these things then why don't I leave him?
I'm struggling so much, sometimes I believe that I'm to blame, then other times I start to wonder.
Sorry for the ramblings, I hope you can understand me. Thanks so much for taking time to read this. x

That's not you, that's abuse.

It's not you, it's him and you deserve better.

He sounds like a grade a cunt. It is definitely not you.

Hi this sounds like an abusive relationship to me from personal experience I was told I wasn't good enough I needed to loose weight I was too fat and no one else would be with me etc. Honestly leave him I left mine and never felt better you can't have someone put u down constantly:( 6 years on ive got a loving boyfriend and a baby u deserve better x

Its not you, its him. He is a dangerous and manipulative individual who is not above cheating on you either. He has tried to destroy you from the ground up and he will try and take both you and your kids down with him. He absolutely needs to be out of your day to day lives.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and he has upped the power and control against you over time in this relationship. Embarking on joint counselling with him was a mistake and he manipulated the counsellor into taking his side. He likes having you around so he can abuse you as and when he sees fit. The damage here he is doing to your children by they seeing you as their mother being abused is immense. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Is it possible for you to go out to Boots the chemist and ask for Ani?. The staff there will then direct you to their consultation rooms where you can access domestic violence support services.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
What sort of childhood did you have?.

This man also gaslights you and that is an insidious form of pyschological abuse designed to mess with your perception of reality.

Joint counselling with abusive men is never recommended precisely because of what happened to you in that session. The counsellor you saw was rubbish and certainly ill equipped to recognise your abusive relationship. You were never emotionally safe enough to undergo any such sessions with him in any event so joint counselling remains a non starter.

Your own recovery from his abuses of you will likely take some considerable time, years even, to recover from and that process has not yet started. I would urge you to reach out now to Womens Aid.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. They cannot afford to grow up seeing you as their mother (and in turn them) being abused by him.

He is scum. Leave the bastard immediately.

It isn't you OP.

I hope you find the strength to leave him because he is a gas-lighting, manipulative, cheating, lying cunt.

You would be so much happier without him in your life

This is not normal. He’s being horrible to you. Your partner should always have your back and not put you down in front of others.
Somebody once rolled he eyes and asked me (not in a joke way) why was I with my husband? I went right off her and never told my dh what she’d said.
I’ve never said this before but I think you need to LTB.

It's not you,it's him,leave him and move on x

Thanks for your replies, they're difficult to read, I can't stop crying.
Answers;
He'd never do anything to upset the children, I honestly believe that, he's not even a strict parent.
I'm just confused as to why he'd treat me like that, especially when he can be really nice, is there a way to get it sorted out other than counseling? I wouldn't want to leave him if it could be sorted out.
I believe his parents screwed him up from listening to his childhood, so maybe it's rubbed off on him.
Also how can I be sure I'm not taking things wrongly? I have had bad depression and maybe it has affected my thinking process?
My childhood was unbelievably awful, I'm not going into details, but I'm not a horrible person because of it. I'm a kind hearted, loving person, I'd do anything to help people out if I could, I'm not a bad person at all, so that's not affected me that way.

Please find a way of leaving him its hard at the start it took me three years too but best decision I ever made you deserve better!! And he is 'nice' because most abusive people are narassists and they make people believe they are good people when they are secretly horrible behind closed doors x

The way he is behaving toward to you is repulsive.

He's not a good man.

He lies. He disrespects you. He tries to shame you over nothing that deserves shame.

He tries to get your children to see you in a bad way.

This is actually wicked behaviour.

Can you leave him? And never speak to him again except to deal with logistics regarding access to the children?

And stop trying to figure him out.

He is properly messed up.

Don't bother. There's nothing you can or should do to make this better.

But you can make your life two hundred times better by shedding this horrible creature.

Think of it this way. If you said something innocently to your DP and he got upset about it, would you say"I didn't mean to upset you, sorry" and not do it again, or dismiss his feelings as "irrational" and "crazy", put all the blame at his door and continue doing it anyway?

I only got to "People wonder why I'm with you" and I immediately thought gaslighting.

He is manipulative and abusive.

A healthy partner wouldn't not belittle you like that and make you doubt your perception.

Please dry your eyes and formulate a plan to escape him with help from Womens Aid. Keep posting here too.

This abuse of you is not your fault in any way. This is all on him and your parents who let you down abjectly in childhood. It started with them.

He does not seem to at all parent his children, you're doing all of that. He does not seem all that bothered with or about them at all. If he was any sort of a decent parent to them, he would not be abusing you as their mother. Good dads do not abuse the mother of their children.

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but what he is showing you here is all a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He may well have had an abusive childhood himself (as did you) but there is really no justification or excuse for his abuses of you now let alone his cheating on you. He chose to inflict the same old that was done to him by using you as the scapegoat for all his inherent ills.

There is only one way to get this sorted and it is to leave him; there is NO other option open to you. He does not take any responsibility for his actions here re you let alone apologise for same, he has an abuser mindset and such men do not change. Indeed he feels entitled to treat you like he does and sees nothing wrong with his ill treatment of you. Such men hate women, all of them (in particular his own mother).

Your boundaries, already skewed by childhood abuse, were badly damaged and are being further eroded by this man now. Your previous depression (probably also caused by him) has not clouded your judgment here, he has because his abuses of you has given you spaghetti head. This is precisely what these abusive men do to their chosen target and you were targeted by him. He has used both your previous depression, abusive childhood and kind heart against you here for his own ends. You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and you may well be a people pleaser. Your children cannot afford to see you as their mother being abused, this is NO relationship model to be showing them. They need to learn positive and life affirming lessons about relationships.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Will you be willing to go to Boots and or contact Womens Aid online; they also have a chat facility.

I think I need to process all of this. I don't know what I expected, maybe some clarification of my sanity perhaps, but I didn't think everyone would just say leave him. I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do, I haven't even considered it.
He's not a bad father though, he reads with them, plays football with them etc and he's not always a bad man to me, it's really difficult to just think yes I'll leave. I need to think about all of this.

@Ruminating2020

I only got to "People wonder why I'm with you" and I immediately thought gaslighting.

He is manipulative and abusive.

A healthy partner wouldn't not belittle you like that and make you doubt your perception.

Same. He is vile. This shit is textbook abuser. They like to say 'everyone' thinks a certain way about you ect to make you feel extra alone. Horrible.

Run for the hills.

He IS a bad father though op. Because he treats their mother like shit. Is this the life you would want them to lead? To grow up and be like him? Or marry someone like him? Lead by example and show them it is not ok to treat someone the way he treats you. By getting rid of the horrible bully.

He doesn't love you, or even like you - and that's on him, not you. Looked at objectively, how can a joke be a joke when it is purely at one person's expense? It is straight up bullying.

He is training the children to show contempt towards you. This is one of the saddest things I have read on here in a while. He is treating you like you are worthless, and you are starting to believe it. The children will follow suit and that is all kinds of fucked up.

Please be strong and get out. Show them what a decent, kind, strong mother is.

I just want to give you a huge big hug and tell you how worthy of love you are. The only way to fix this is to leave him. You and your children will be so much happier. I imagine it's confusing for them seeing their dad laugh at their mum like that. Please contact a local domestic abuse service and see if you can do the freedom programme.
He's treating you absolutely horrifically and you deserve so much better 💐

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I know this is hard to hear, but this man won’t change. He is abusing you and is bringing up your kids to do the same.
You need to speak to a domestic abuse charity. They will help you see this for what it is and support you in any decisions you make.
I’m not saying it’s impossible to get over an affair, but both people need to be honest about it and why it happened. He doesn’t even have the decency to admit it and try to make amends. You deserve so much better.

Yeah Ted Bundy was nice some of the time too.
This man is abusive. He is abusing you and gaslighting you. Please try to access some real life support.

Sometimes when you are deep into an abusive relationship you have no idea what is going on or if you even think you are being abused. My lovely, you are in an abusive relationship. You now must process this and make a plan to exit as soon as you can. Make sure you do it safely. I am sorry you are going through this. Your life will not get better unless you leave. Find some support and work towards leaving.