Is this me?

[Allforthem]

Hello, I'm really struggling and I'm not sure if this is my fault. Maybe my partner is right that I'm taking things the wrong way, I really could use some independent insights if anyone can fathom out what's going on.

He says things to me like, "people wonder why I'm with you", " you are a bit mental", "you are crazy", then says I've taken it all the wrong way when I get upset or try to question why he's saying it, making it all out to be a joke, out of context etc.
All through our relationship, he's always said things in front of our children that make me look bad, laughing at me when I try to defend myself, then rolling his eyes shaking his head when the children look at him. To me it's as if he's trying to imply to them that I'm unreasonable, unhinged, ridiculous etc. I never do anything like that to him!
He has always said personal things which upset me, such as I need to lose some weight immediately after I've given birth, such as I look haggard and seem like I don't care how I look, when I had 2 children under 1.5, both still in nappies and both waking up in the night, which only I dealt with. Then he cheated on me around that time, which he lied about for a year +, even when I presented the evidence of the phone bill showing itemised numbers with one number making up 90%, he said that the bill was wrong etc. He lied so much that I went into a severe depression. He then lost his job, I think this had something to do with his affair being with his boss, but he denies it, so then everything became about him and eventually he admitted the affair but to this day I don't know if what he told me is true or not.
We went to counselling but he lied to the therapist, I believe to save face about things, because he really cares how people perceive him, she unfortunately believed him rather than me, so nothing changed.
Anyway we got past the affair, as much as one can do so in the circumstances. He still denies lying to the therapist saying it was me that got things wrong, I'm actually starting to wonder if he believes his own lies, because those things I know for a fact are wrong.
He says I take things wrongly a lot of the time, or I misunderstand, or I can't take jokes etc every time he says something not nice. In addition he's allowed people to say what they like to me and never defends me. Sometimes he's joined in with the verbal attacks, but always says he's sorry afterwards and that he wasn't thinking about what he was doing etc.
He seems to be apologising sometimes for things he's said, then there always comes a 'but', which then always comes back to me being at fault somehow.
I'm just wondering if I literally am unable to see things how they really are and he's right, because I have previously suffered with depression. Or if not, why would he be doing these things?
He's nice some of the time too, so it's not all bad, I'm just showing the kind of things I'm confused about.
I try talking to him but somehow he turns the conversation to be that I'm just getting at him for nothing, I'm taking everything the wrong way, I'm to blame for some small reason but he's not saying I'm to blame?, that a lot of people would think I'm crazy, but he's not saying I am, or that if I really think these things then why don't I leave him?
I'm struggling so much, sometimes I believe that I'm to blame, then other times I start to wonder.
Sorry for the ramblings, I hope you can understand me. Thanks so much for taking time to read this. x

OMG he is abusing you in every imaginable way..... and has been for a very long time.. he has destroyed you from the inside out.. to cover his affairs his unfaithfulness his constant lies... christ he is utter scum OP ... I am so sorry 🌺

He IS a bad father though op. Because he treats their mother like shit. Is this the life you would want them to lead? To grow up and be like him? Or marry someone like him? Lead by example and show them it is not ok to treat someone the way he treats you. By getting rid of the horrible bully.

This. Good dads don't bully their kids mum. Good dads don't set a bad example. Good dads don't try to recruit their kids into the 'Isn't silly mummy mental?!' narrative.

He's not a good dad. He's a bully.

He says things to me like, "people wonder why I'm with you", " you are a bit mental", "you are crazy

This, in all honesty, would be enough to make me sort my shit out for leaving.

Then I read the rest.

Darling, you are in an abusive relationship. Lies to you, cheats on you, lies to the counsellor (clearly showing you he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions and doesn't give a shit about the relationship), insults you and then insists it was a joke (classic dick move there)...

Just because he's done a few good things as a father, that really doesn't make him a good partner to stay with. A good father demonstrates how to treat women: with kindness and decency, with love and respect. Parents model what a child should expect in their future relationships...

Is how he treat you, how he makes you feel, is that what you want modelled to your children?

Leave... this will get worse...

This is one of the worst threads I've read on here. He IS abusive, in every way possible.

Every thing he says to you, is designed to take you down a peg, rather than build you up.

You're awake in the night with the kids - instead of praising you, he says you look haggard.

You give birth to his child - he says you look fat.

He shags other women (and he will be still doing this, by the way)

He belittles you in front of the kids.

And this ...."people wonder why I'm with you" .....WOW. I'd leave him for that alone, that is DISGUSTING.

Would you EVER treat him in the way that he treats you?

I spent 20 years with someone like this. Although to be fair, he wasn't as bad as your Partner. You cannot see the wood for the trees right now. Don't be me. GET OUT.

Your Partner should make you feel like this:

If he doesn't get him to fuck.

He’s a terrible father. He’s abusing his children’s mother and alienating them from her. I believe that’s illegal.

Op. I haven’t read all the other comments on here, but I read yours only. Your partner gaslights you. He is also a liar, he’s disrespectful towards you, his gestures put you in bad light to your kids. His actions do not seem to be those of someone who loves you and cares about your feelings. The choice is yours- continue depreciating your value and letting your confidence go through the floor, or doing something about it.

He's already messing up the children.

You need to leave, absolutely. But maybe first some real life support?

Remember - YOU get to decide what's ok for you.

You don't even have to have a showdown, and you certainly don't have to feel that you need to justify or prove any reasons for leaving.

He's spent years destrying your self esteem. He's hardly going to listen to you and change, and even less likely to listen to you and say 'Oh I can see what you mean, you're right to leave!'

So don't even spend energy on that.

'This relationship isn't working for either of us. I'm out, we would be better co-parents'

Him - turns conversation around so you're totally in the wrong etc

You - 'See what I mean? You really don't have a good word to say about me, ever. Doesn't even matter what it's about. You're clearly not happy with me either. We're done.'

And repeat.

OP please start maing moves to leave him. I was with someone very similar, my ex wasnt quite as bad, but he did a lot of the things you listed.

I left him early 2019 and it was the hardest thing i have ever done, but as someone who has gone through it already I have to tell you how much better my life is now. Im so much happier, i have a better relationship with the kids too.

LTB. He is absolutely not being a good dad to them.