Partner wants to end things

[Kittyxx91]

So I think. Me and my partner are done... because he isn’t willing to try anything...
he’s said he doesn’t love me that way anymore. Said he started feeling different before bub was born....

He doesn’t love me that way 🙄and we’re basically over because he has decided he sees no way to fix it and then i was sat watching a film with after talking for a couple of hours like 🤷🏼‍♀️🙃😶

BUT apparently I’m his best friend LIKE OK?!

I have next to no options but to go live with mum and dad really. At which point he will basically never be around for name omitted by MNHQ. Yet insists he will be there. And I won’t be alone (haha laugh with me)
And I can’t even look at her at the moment without falling apart.

He makes no sense.

Also why when he knows there’s greater risk of pregnancy did he choose to have sex with me...You don’t do that as recently as 2 nights ago if you don’t want to be with someone ?!?!
So i don’t think I’m pregnant again, but it’s More the case of he knows that’s a possibility and yet he’s been sat there knowing he doesn’t want to be with me ?!?

We’ve had sex multiple times in the last few weeks and he’s known this and still hasn’t been bothered about greater risk of pregnancy even though he’s guna fuck off?

He said he was hoping it would go away and he’d feel how it did but it didn’t and he knows he doesn’t feel that way about me and knows there isn’t a way to fix it.

Like flat out refusing to even try and see if we can. It’s just decided. I feel like he should be willing to discuss trying at least, as our baby is involved.

I know he wants to be in her life but if I’m not living near him it’s guna be next to nothing because we don’t drive and my only option housing wise at the moment is my parents (2 hours by car, 4 by public transport) so she’s barely guna know who he is when ever she does see him, because he’s not going to be able to be there

Atm I can’t even look at her without almost crying and don’t want to be near either of them because of this. But I can’t go anywhere because I am her food.

First 3 years of life is where the bond is built & her emotional development is mostly concentrated and he’s guna miss out on a lot of it if we aren’t close by...
He got annoyed with me the other day because I did her hand and foot prints without him!
Does he not realise how much more he’s going to be missing.

Yes we have the flat we’re in until September but I can’t exactly stay living with him can I ? And what the hell is it going to go down like with my parents who will be the ones to end up taking me in. Like ?!
My mum guna accuse him of cheating. I know that much.
My dad is guna see him as a child bailing because things aren’t the same or easy because there’s a baby and will want him to step up and do what’s right by the baby.

I feel like it’s a cop out on his part, not trying.
But he’s all decided so what do I do now?

I really don’t know what’s going to happen. He won’t budge on seeing if there’s a way to make it work. (I’m talking proper counselling or something) All this was said literally a day or so ago... so I’ve not even processed it properly yet...

I just don’t understand how this is even happening.
I look at our girl and I just see the future we had lined up falling apart and him missing every moment and not being there for what matters... I don’t know what to do.
I am utterly broken

The very first thing you need to do is stop having sex with him so that you can't get pregnant again.

Then you need to go to your Mum and Dad's.

He says he doesn't love you any more and doesn't want to try. So therefore the relationship is over.

I've put this very bluntly. It's an awful thing to happen but the sooner it ends the better otherwise the situation just drags on and on and perhaps another child is on the way before you eventually split.

Op how old are you both please? You sound very young? Maybe going to hour mum and dads is the best idea.

Why would you try to make it work with someone who doesnt love you (in that way) anymore? Life is too short for that! You both deserve better.

Also, why do you have to be the one to leave? You are a mother with a young child! He is the one who wants to break up, so he can leave. Basic respect that. Unless it's only his name on the lease?

Its horribly sad op. But probably for the best you split now rather than a few years later when your child will miss his presence way more.

Why do you have to leave your flat? Tell him to go if he doesn’t want to be with you? What is the situation financially, can he pay some of the housing costs while you claim benefits if you’re not working due to your baby?

Tell him to him to get lost. Sounds like he’s playing with you and maybe got someone else lined up?

What a prick!

OP I think you’ve used a real name in there - if you speak to hq they should be able to edit for you x

Op I'm sorry this is happening to you,I'm going through a split myself and it's hard,your emotions will be all over the place( mine were but not now,it's been 3 weeks since i kicked my now ex out and I didn't want to but I knew I had too). He's told you it's over,so you need to make the break,go to your mum and dad's you are going to need the support,feel free to message me if you need a chat,concentrate on yourself and your child x

@Bluntness100

Op how old are you both please? You sound very young? Maybe going to hour mum and dads is the best idea.

I’m 29, nearing 30 & he’s 26, just shy of 27. This was writing in a very reactive way and my usual finesse in there. Bub is almost 9 weeks old and my hormones are still all over.

Good advice from iljatdip. The relationship is over, so move out, go back to your parents and start building a life for yourself and your child - home, job etc.

At the moment you are just a convenient warm body to have sex with. Sorry! He isn't offering a relationship, he's using you until someone better comes along.

It's perfectly clear what is going to happen. He is back to being a single male who can go and find himself a new girlfriend.

That's a shame for you op.

But if he no longer loves you then there's no fixing to be done I don't think.

First of all stop sleeping with him.

Second, can't you stay at the flat and he move out?

@WomanInYellow

Why do you have to leave your flat? Tell him to go if he doesn’t want to be with you? What is the situation financially, can he pay some of the housing costs while you claim benefits if you’re not working due to your baby?

Tell him to him to get lost. Sounds like he’s playing with you and maybe got someone else lined up?

What a prick!

That’s my worry... that there’s someone else and he’s just taken me for a mug.

Financially I’m stuffed and neither of us can afford anywhere else as we barely afford here (covid especially is to blame for this, and we have back payments too because of this).
We needed a guarantor for the place as it is, and moved to the area for his work so I have no friends or family local to us.

I just don’t know what to do.
I hurt so much right now but the idea of taking her so far away from him hurts me even more

Do a universal Credit calculation see how much you would get then I would throw him out.
Stop sleeping with him and make a plan.

@Meowtha

That's a shame for you op.

But if he no longer loves you then there's no fixing to be done I don't think.

First of all stop sleeping with him.

Second, can't you stay at the flat and he move out?

It’s all complicated with covid, and also the locality as I don’t want him not to be able to see her

Do you know how much rent help you could get as a single parent?
I'm shocked to hear you're having unprotected sex with a 9 week old baby. Why are you doing that?

Do you work? Does he? Whose flat is it? I would start thinking about things in a practical way now such as maintenance, location.

@Pepperxo

Do a universal Credit calculation see how much you would get then I would throw him out. Stop sleeping with him and make a plan.

I think universal credit might do enough for me... I don’t know whether the landlord would take benefit though.. it’s both of us on the lease here & my dad is the guarantor, I just can’t help but feel bad because he’d be left with nothing if I kick him out. And then I’d be here alone all the time due to covid and it’s an area that I don’t know people... plus I’m not sure how he will take being kicked out..:

You have a 9 week old baby and DP decides he doesn't want to grow up just yet.

He can see her at your parents' house though. He (and you) will have to put in a bit more effort, but it's perfectly doable.

I would concentrate on your needs right now. Your partner's needs are no longer your concern- he's decided that by himself.

Go to your parents. Let him sort out the flat.

Then work everything else out from there.

I feel for you, I really do. It's a horrible situation to be in

And yes, stop having unprotected sex with him.(Or any sex, for that matter) A second child will NOT magically make him change his mind. And then you'll be on your own with two children to cope with.

@Shodan

And yes, stop having unprotected sex with him.(Or any sex, for that matter) A second child will NOT magically make him change his mind. And then you'll be on your own with two children to cope with.

We haven’t had sex since he said this (much to his despair).

The night he said it he literally got into bed with me after she had fallen asleep and tried to initiate

@MerryChristmasToYou

You have a 9 week old baby and DP decides he doesn't want to grow up just yet.

Seems like it ... but he insists he will be there for her

I think you need to get practical - and fast.

Yes you'll be all over the place emotionally but you need to sort the practicalities first, finances, housing...

The online benefit calculators can give an IDEA of how much you'll get but can be inaccurate.

Speak to your local welfare rights advisor, your midwife/health visitor (I'm not sure who you'd be under at this stage nowadays when I had my dd 20 years ago iirc it was midwife 1st 6-12 weeks and then health visitor but I'm not sure if/how that's changed)

Do you have a joint account with him? I am assuming you already get child benefit so where is that paid into? If into a joint account get it changed to your sole account ASAP. Also not sure re child tax credits these days same applies as child benefit.

I say this because my ex emptied our joint accounts leaving me skint with a baby to care for and I don't want you in that position.

Tell your parents ASAP I'm sure they will help you get organised.

It's really shit of him to do this at this time, sadly not uncommon, yes often there's another woman but also it can just be cos these men cba being parents when reality hits!

OF COURSE things are different at home and between the 2 of you at the moment there's a very young newborn in the home and you're still recovering from the birth and getting used to being a mum! He's being so immature and stupid to think that WOULDN'T be the case. But it's relatively temporary in many ways but naturally your life changes when you become a parent. He's being ridiculous to even think everything would just be the same!

Wishing you so much luck dealing with all this and hope you get loads of real life support and manage to quickly sort all the finances etc

The landlord wouldn't know you was getting benefits as uc pay you the rent money then you pay landlord x

The night he said it he literally got into bed with me after she had fallen asleep and tried to initiate

Well isn't he a charmer.

Seems to me that he won't be that great a loss, tbh.

He's either decided being a Dad is too much work and you can do the single parent thing while he occasionally shags you, or he's cheating.

If your Dados guarantor and UC will cover rent the landlord would be mad to not accept benefits. It's probably the most secure income at the moment with everything going on. See about getting your ex off the lease.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you.
You and baby deserve so much better.

@Itstimetoquit it's not advisable to be dishonest or unclear with the landlord as this could put op in breach of her tenancy contract and at risk of eviction and potentially even court

Op I'm sorry but I think you need to be prepared for the distinct possibility, whatever his supposed reasons for splitting, that he will not be reliable having contact with baby or with paying child maintenance. I think you need to be prepared that he's likely to vanish out of your lives altogether. He sounds a deadbeat dad type quite honestly