Partner wants to end things

[Kittyxx91]

So I think. Me and my partner are done... because he isn’t willing to try anything...
he’s said he doesn’t love me that way anymore. Said he started feeling different before bub was born....

He doesn’t love me that way 🙄and we’re basically over because he has decided he sees no way to fix it and then i was sat watching a film with after talking for a couple of hours like 🤷🏼‍♀️🙃😶

BUT apparently I’m his best friend LIKE OK?!

I have next to no options but to go live with mum and dad really. At which point he will basically never be around for name omitted by MNHQ. Yet insists he will be there. And I won’t be alone (haha laugh with me)
And I can’t even look at her at the moment without falling apart.

He makes no sense.

Also why when he knows there’s greater risk of pregnancy did he choose to have sex with me...You don’t do that as recently as 2 nights ago if you don’t want to be with someone ?!?!
So i don’t think I’m pregnant again, but it’s More the case of he knows that’s a possibility and yet he’s been sat there knowing he doesn’t want to be with me ?!?

We’ve had sex multiple times in the last few weeks and he’s known this and still hasn’t been bothered about greater risk of pregnancy even though he’s guna fuck off?

He said he was hoping it would go away and he’d feel how it did but it didn’t and he knows he doesn’t feel that way about me and knows there isn’t a way to fix it.

Like flat out refusing to even try and see if we can. It’s just decided. I feel like he should be willing to discuss trying at least, as our baby is involved.

I know he wants to be in her life but if I’m not living near him it’s guna be next to nothing because we don’t drive and my only option housing wise at the moment is my parents (2 hours by car, 4 by public transport) so she’s barely guna know who he is when ever she does see him, because he’s not going to be able to be there

Atm I can’t even look at her without almost crying and don’t want to be near either of them because of this. But I can’t go anywhere because I am her food.

First 3 years of life is where the bond is built & her emotional development is mostly concentrated and he’s guna miss out on a lot of it if we aren’t close by...
He got annoyed with me the other day because I did her hand and foot prints without him!
Does he not realise how much more he’s going to be missing.

Yes we have the flat we’re in until September but I can’t exactly stay living with him can I ? And what the hell is it going to go down like with my parents who will be the ones to end up taking me in. Like ?!
My mum guna accuse him of cheating. I know that much.
My dad is guna see him as a child bailing because things aren’t the same or easy because there’s a baby and will want him to step up and do what’s right by the baby.

I feel like it’s a cop out on his part, not trying.
But he’s all decided so what do I do now?

I really don’t know what’s going to happen. He won’t budge on seeing if there’s a way to make it work. (I’m talking proper counselling or something) All this was said literally a day or so ago... so I’ve not even processed it properly yet...

I just don’t understand how this is even happening.
I look at our girl and I just see the future we had lined up falling apart and him missing every moment and not being there for what matters... I don’t know what to do.
I am utterly broken

He's cruel op. The fact that he tried to have sex with you after telling you it was over, shows what an entitled, unfeeling arsehole he is.

Your feelings unfortunately, don't mean shit to him. You are just an object to him. And one he thinks he owns, irrlegardless of how he treats you.

He can be told to sleep on the sofa until one of you moves out. But definately make it clear there will be no more sex.

@Graphista

I think you need to get practical - and fast.

Yes you'll be all over the place emotionally but you need to sort the practicalities first, finances, housing...

The online benefit calculators can give an IDEA of how much you'll get but can be inaccurate.

Speak to your local welfare rights advisor, your midwife/health visitor (I'm not sure who you'd be under at this stage nowadays when I had my dd 20 years ago iirc it was midwife 1st 6-12 weeks and then health visitor but I'm not sure if/how that's changed)

Do you have a joint account with him? I am assuming you already get child benefit so where is that paid into? If into a joint account get it changed to your sole account ASAP. Also not sure re child tax credits these days same applies as child benefit.

I say this because my ex emptied our joint accounts leaving me skint with a baby to care for and I don't want you in that position.

Tell your parents ASAP I'm sure they will help you get organised.

It's really shit of him to do this at this time, sadly not uncommon, yes often there's another woman but also it can just be cos these men cba being parents when reality hits!

OF COURSE things are different at home and between the 2 of you at the moment there's a very young newborn in the home and you're still recovering from the birth and getting used to being a mum! He's being so immature and stupid to think that WOULDN'T be the case. But it's relatively temporary in many ways but naturally your life changes when you become a parent. He's being ridiculous to even think everything would just be the same!

Wishing you so much luck dealing with all this and hope you get loads of real life support and manage to quickly sort all the finances etc

That’s my thoughts exactly, how can he expect it to be the same. And because it’s not the same and didn’t magically become the same on its own without working on it he wants to bail. Whilst calling me his best friend and saying he will be there for her and be in her life.

That’s what bugs me more, I know him well enough to know that he will turn round and regret this for one reason or another. And then either be begging to come back or he will just run away for it entirely

If your Dad’s the guarantor, you leave and he doesn’t pay the rent or leaves the property early, your Dad will end up having to pay the rent for an arsehole who dumped his daughter and grandchild. I wouldn’t be happy with that in his position. What if he moves another woman in and your Dad is still stuck being guarantor?

I would try to stay there if you can at least for the rest of the tenancy. Are you on may leave? Is your job in the same place and can you return?

Why on earth would you feel bad about kicking him out after what he’s done to you and your DC?

Can your parents come and stay for a few days while you get rid of him, if you think he’s going to cause trouble?

@WomanInYellow

If your Dad’s the guarantor, you leave and he doesn’t pay the rent or leaves the property early, your Dad will end up having to pay the rent for an arsehole who dumped his daughter and grandchild. I wouldn’t be happy with that in his position. What if he moves another woman in and your Dad is still stuck being guarantor?

I would try to stay there if you can at least for the rest of the tenancy. Are you on may leave? Is your job in the same place and can you return?

Why on earth would you feel bad about kicking him out after what he’s done to you and your DC?

Can your parents come and stay for a few days while you get rid of him, if you think he’s going to cause trouble?

We work in the same place, my maternity leave ends sometime near the end of September/early November. So at this moment returning is not a likely scenario.

I don’t think he’d cause trouble but I don’t know how much I’ll manage.., especially as covid and the impact on our finances means literally all his money covers rent and all mine covers other bills and food.
We’re behind on council tax because the account number didn’t work to pay it & it’s all just a lot.

[quote Graphista]@Itstimetoquit it's not advisable to be dishonest or unclear with the landlord as this could put op in breach of her tenancy contract and at risk of eviction and potentially even court

Op I'm sorry but I think you need to be prepared for the distinct possibility, whatever his supposed reasons for splitting, that he will not be reliable having contact with baby or with paying child maintenance. I think you need to be prepared that he's likely to vanish out of your lives altogether. He sounds a deadbeat dad type quite honestly

[/quote]
This is so unlikely especially if she is able to leave at the end of the tenancy in 6 months

Honestly I know lads dds age (20 and younger) more mature than this!

Having a baby DOES change things and there is an adjustment period for everyone and it's VERY early days for your little family

But then if that's his attitude perhaps better to find that out sooner than later?

I'm afraid I'm thinking you've a "runner" on your hands here. If he does seem to change his mind later I would advise you take things very slowly and expect him to prove himself! No messing you and your child around!

@WomanInYellow has a point about the guarantor issue. Get advice on this - shelter are very good in my experience

You REALLY need to get the council tax sorted ASAP! The penalties for not paying that are. Extremely stiff!

You should always prioritise your income as follows:

Rent/mortgage
Council tax
Water
Gas/electric
Food/groceries
Clothes and shoes
Luxuries

Honestly - speak to your local welfare rights advisor, they are sometimes called different things in different councils, usually part of the social services department simply as that's who they do most of their work with, with people dealing with social care difficulties but they are there to advise, support and even advocate for anyone eligible to claim benefits. In my experience they really know their stuff.

I suspect they will say to you it's best he moves out and you maintain the tenancy yourself - if your landlord is agreeable and you are eligible to claim UC inc housing element to cover the rent.

How long have you lived there and have you ever given the landlord reason to be annoyed? If you've been there a while, always paid rent on time, maintained the property well then most landlords would prefer to keep you on than have the hassle of finding a new tenant and potentially have the property lying empty and no rent coming in for possibly several months.

Here are links to the 2 main benefits calculators. They're usually fairly accurate unless you have very unusual circumstances, but their results aren't set in stone.

www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=4a6d1f6f-c686-4711-9b0b-e707acb62d0c

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/AboutYou

@CodenameVillanelle assuming op is in Uk and depending which part of the country rules on tenancy length and legality have changed a lot in the last 12-18 months in certain ways.

Also depends on what the landlord is like of course, just as there are good and bad tenants there are good and bad landlords. Not all of them act reasonably or even legally. I think it's only fair that op is aware the landlord may not be happy to keep on a tenant who is on benefits - even though strictly speaking it's not illegal to deny a tenancy on those grounds.

There's the law...and then there's real life unfortunately

You need to involve your dad in discussion if he is the gaurantor for the flat.
I think you have to focus on working out the practical details.
Find out whether UC would fully cover the rent if only you and baby lived in the flat. Then you can start negotiating child maintenace from bf.
When is your tenancy due for renewal?
For what it's worth, it's possible to bring up a child successfully as a single parent. I know you'll be feeling devastated at the moment, but it's worth hanging onto the thought that you can do it alone if neccessary.

Can you back to your parents for a months or so whilst he prepares to move out - by then you’ll know if you want to live in the flat or with your parents?

[quote Graphista]@CodenameVillanelle assuming op is in Uk and depending which part of the country rules on tenancy length and legality have changed a lot in the last 12-18 months in certain ways.

Also depends on what the landlord is like of course, just as there are good and bad tenants there are good and bad landlords. Not all of them act reasonably or even legally. I think it's only fair that op is aware the landlord may not be happy to keep on a tenant who is on benefits - even though strictly speaking it's not illegal to deny a tenancy on those grounds.

There's the law...and then there's real life unfortunately [/quote]
Yes I’m in the Uk
And that’s something that I’ll have to tackle, currently UC by those calculators it should cover me staying here. But with very tight margins.

If he wants to be in his child's life, he will be.
If the only way you think he'll be in her life is if you make it an absolute walk in the park for him well then you're saying that if he has put make any effort for his child - he won't.

So put YOUR needs first.

He's the one who's opted out. That's no reason for you to struggle more than you have to.

Go where there is support for you right now, when you need it the most.

If he gives a flying fuck about his child, he'll be there for her.

I'd be more than happy to help you work out a budget I raised dd myself and mostly on benefits as I'm now disabled but even when I was working it was tight!

I'm sure many other mners would be happy to advise if you posted a budgeting thread and there's always the mse forum too.

There are lots of ways to keep costs to a minimum without necessarily "missing out"

It's not easy but then parenting isn't however you do it, every parent has challenges.

Your health visitor I would hope would be supportive and useful too (though I know they aren't always depends who you get)

But mn is cracking for this kind of advice.

Stop having sex with him. In your current circumstances another baby would be a complete disaster. A band aid baby won’t stop him leaving you

If you are thinking about renting somewhere or worried about not being able to pay I think you should contact your local authority. Where you are living at the moment and ask them for advice. They are taking homelessness prevention very seriously at the min and are helping people to stay in their properties, if that means acting as guarantor for somewhere to live, assisting with first month rent and even covering some arrears.

Going back to your parents might be the best bet for you and baby though. If they will be supportive (and will have you).

@Sunflower1970

Stop having sex with him. In your current circumstances another baby would be a complete disaster. A band aid baby won’t stop him leaving you

I haven’t had sex with him since he’s said this, not that he hasn’t tried it on. If I turns out that I am pregnant I wouldn’t expect it to change things

@BrilliantBetty

If you are thinking about renting somewhere or worried about not being able to pay I think you should contact your local authority. Where you are living at the moment and ask them for advice. They are taking homelessness prevention very seriously at the min and are helping people to stay in their properties, if that means acting as guarantor for somewhere to live, assisting with first month rent and even covering some arrears.

Going back to your parents might be the best bet for you and baby though. If they will be supportive (and will have you).

I will do that, I’ll just have to find the right department to talk to. As much as my parents would accept me living with them but they will also want us to try to work it out so there will be pressure & I’d be so far away from everyone I know (3 or so hours by public transport I think),

I dont think hes done anything wrong, if he doesnt love you then he doesnt love you. That doesnt make him a bad person

Look, go to your parents for a few months.
Your baby will get to know him again in due course. There's plenty of time. Loads of Dads work away overseas for example.

You are overly concerned with him and his feelings, not your own. You are all about him. Let him worry about the house, rent, etc.
He's cruel and taking you for a ride
Literally. You are handy for a shag and he can say what he likes and you don't object, and you allow him in the bed again as if nothing has happened. Did you even want to or feel able for sex with a 9wk old baby! Or were you going along with what he wanted?
Go to your parents and sort it out from there. At least you will be minded there by people who love and respect you until you sort out a plan.

I'm sorry you're going through this @Kittyxx91you must be beside yourself.
Whatever his reasons - your partner has decided it's over and sadly there's nothing you can really do about that.
You must have a million thoughts going round your head - try not to sort out everything at once. Do one thing at a time. At least for a short while it might be an idea to stay put. Can your partner move out? I think that would be a good idea - especially as he keeps trying to have sex with you - that's just confusing the issue and could lead to a whole new level of stress if you get pregnant by accident.
It sounds like you have money issues as a couple also. Get some advice on this - Citizens advice may be able to help you.
Certainly use "entitled too" to give you an idea of what benefits you may be eligible for. Long term your soon to be Ex should also be contributing to his child.

Good Luck - take your time to work out what you want - and look after yourself as a priority.

@Wellthatwassilly He's trying to initiate sex with the mother of his newborn baby after telling her he doesn't love her anymore-do you honestly believe he's blameless?

@NewYearHere20

I'm sorry you're going through this *@Kittyxx91you* must be beside yourself. Whatever his reasons - your partner has decided it's over and sadly there's nothing you can really do about that. You must have a million thoughts going round your head - try not to sort out everything at once. Do one thing at a time. At least for a short while it might be an idea to stay put. Can your partner move out? I think that would be a good idea - especially as he keeps trying to have sex with you - that's just confusing the issue and could lead to a whole new level of stress if you get pregnant by accident. It sounds like you have money issues as a couple also. Get some advice on this - Citizens advice may be able to help you. Certainly use "entitled too" to give you an idea of what benefits you may be eligible for. Long term your soon to be Ex should also be contributing to his child.

Good Luck - take your time to work out what you want - and look after yourself as a priority.

Everyone that knows us and knows him reckon he’s just being scared and will regret it in time especially his reluctance to try. I’m honestly not sure where my head is at right now it’s everywhere

@sadie9

Look, go to your parents for a few months. Your baby will get to know him again in due course. There's plenty of time. Loads of Dads work away overseas for example.

You are overly concerned with him and his feelings, not your own. You are all about him. Let him worry about the house, rent, etc.
He's cruel and taking you for a ride
Literally. You are handy for a shag and he can say what he likes and you don't object, and you allow him in the bed again as if nothing has happened. Did you even want to or feel able for sex with a 9wk old baby! Or were you going along with what he wanted?
Go to your parents and sort it out from there. At least you will be minded there by people who love and respect you until you sort out a plan.

We had sex again when she was around 6 weeks, he didn’t push for it at all, was very much me that wanted to, he was more concerned about hurting me or irritating the new tissue from my episiotomy

IF it is just because of the baby and fear of what is to come is making him want to run then - he is a coward. I suspect rather than that though,he is just a flake. He has sowed his seed and feels that's his job done. He is telling exactly how he feels - he doesnt care anymore. Why does there have to be some hidden, humanising meaning that turns him into a (slightly better) person? He isn't afraid, he just doesn't want this lifestyle.

If your dad’s the guarantor you need to stay and he needs to leave, else it’s not fair on your dad otherwise. If your ex falls behind with payments or accidentally damages the flat, or even moves out and stops paying the rent, it’s your dad’s responsibility to pay the landlord. Your dad could even be taken to court over this and would lose.