Alopecia and partner

[alopeciarelationship]

I have alopecia since about 2016.
Partner (of 14 years) was initially supportive and reassuring. I did push him away a lot for a couple of years though.
My hair loss is partial but significant. I feel better wearing wigs or hairpieces and sometimes headbands.

My issue is the past few months my partner has started making comments which suggest it bothers him. Once when I wasn't wearing my wig he blurted out (when a bit drunk one weekend) that I look 'ill' (alopecia doesn't mean that). I was really upset and he knew it. On the other hand recently he's made a couple of comments (once literally right before sex) like 'you should take that wig off' and 'why are you hiding away'.

It's like I can't win either way . He claims he meant nothing by it and gets annoyed at me for being upset. I am angry though because recently it's him who brought it up yet can't deal with my reaction. To me, it clearly bothers him somewhat, but he won't admit that. Claims it doesn't bother him at all. Why comment then??!! Obviously it does bother him.

I've explained to him it's my choice how I deal with it and he agrees but it still really hurts. The last comment was last week and I'm still reeling. He's talking about romantic dinners and I just feel flat.

Feel like leaving to be single so I don't have to deal with this.

Is it possible the 'you look ill' comment wasn't because you weren't wearing your wig but because you did in fact look ill at that moment?

My DH has said similar to me...if I've been pale or whatever.

The reason I'm saying this is because of what you said he's said about you "not hiding away" and encouraging you to take it off.

Is it a good wig? Are you happy with it? I know they're very expensive.

I would ask him not to comment about your wig anymore.

Commenting on it is as rude as commenting on someone's prosthetic leg.

@FortunesFave

It was definitely about the lack of wig. I know because it was the first time I'd gone without the wig in like 6 months!!

He doesn't like the wigs cause it's not natural, but he thinks I look Ill without.

Yes to the expense!! Half decent ones cost at least 500 and lucky if they last a year. I have really natural looking one but it was around 2000 pounds and I can't justify the expense again. Most people don't seem to get that it costs a lot, and it's not just a one off expense.

@RantyAnty

I would ask him not to comment about your wig anymore.

Commenting on it is as rude as commenting on someone's prosthetic leg.

I know. I have asked him not to comment again, and he's agreed, but I can't get it out of my head that it obviously bothers him even if he won't comment going forward and it's making me really self conscious despite how long we've been together.

Yes, good wigs are expensive and as you said, ideally you need 2 or 3 a year.

I don't even know what you could do or say to your H about your hair loss? I understanding knowing it bothers him makes you feel self conscious. It's not like you can help it.

My exH who had never said anything negative about me wearing dentures, one day has a go at me for not wearing them. He was quite nasty and said it was embarrassing and I looked 100 years old without them. I was needing a new set which of course they cost 1000s and so I wasn't wearing them at home as they were painful rubbing sores on my mouth. I was so shocked by his outburst, I never could forgive him for it. After we split up, I found he was online telling all his friends I wore dentures and was laughing and makng fun of me. These are people in their 40s, not teens. It was so hurtful. I could never forgive him ever for sharing something so private and then mocking me.

Have you looked into hair systems where it would last for months at a time? I've started doing that even though expensive and feel much less self conscious about my hair loss. Yes, hair loss, no teeth, sigh...

Hi there OP, I couldn't read and run because I feel I'm in the somewhat unique position of having dated someone with alopecia and known another woman with it, so I have some experience here.

When I met my ex he was already experiencing hair loss but it wasn't total yet. He had great bone structure and was very attractive so it truly did not actually affect my attraction to him. But it did sometimes make me uncomfortable to be in public with him because people would stare, and I knew they didn't know what condition he had, and I hate attention so it was awkward. Sometimes months after meeting new friends, once we got to know them and they found out he had alopecia, they'd admit they thought he had cancer when he first met them. So I will say, there is some secondhand embarrassment and discomfort of being the partner of someone with alopecia. Do you think this might need your partner's issue? My partner also told me that the woman he dated before me couldn't cope when he started losing his hair, and it eventually destroyed her attraction and their relationship. I tell you this not to be cruel, but to be honest that there are some people who are more shallow or have very rigid, stereotypical notions of beauty and just can't cope. But that is certainly not all people. It definitely wasn't me. I recommend you not waste your time on anyone to whom this is really important because it's likely they won't change, and you shouldn't have to hide yourself in your own home. You have a beautiful woman's body, beautiful arms, legs, eyes, lips etc. that your partner should adore. Don't waste your time on someone who can't appreciate the whole package.

There's so much more to life than hair. My partner and I were able to laugh at it and appreciate it add unique. Talk to your ex about how you feel. Ask him if he thinks he will ever get used to it. You deserve someone who can be with all of you.

This might sound like an odd idea but could you contact a black hairdresser?

So many black women wear wigs and weaves and while expensive they are nowhere near the amounts you are paying.

for the lady with dentures - your ex is rotten on the inside.

@DoItAfraid

This might sound like an odd idea but could you contact a black hairdresser?

So many black women wear wigs and weaves and while expensive they are nowhere near the amounts you are paying.

for the lady with dentures - your ex is rotten on the inside.

She doesn't really need to...what you're thinking of is probably a hair system...which is usually sewn or 'glued' into place. Some black women do use these but they tend to have them sewn in place.

Any hair system specialist can help with that. If the existing hair isn't strong enough to be used to sew the hair to, then a sort of adhesive is used.

They're very good...but do need maintenance as the scalp needs a rest after a while.

Have you looked into u part wigs, I have hair loss as well so wear these, they look much more natural and they are nowhere near as expensive as £500 I even made my own!

My ex was always very rude about it aswell, I’ve struggle with hair loss since I was a teenager

FortuneFave

I am a black woman - I know very well how wigs, weaves, hair extensions etc are attached.

They are not necessarily attached directly to the hair - people use all sorts of things from wig caps that go underneath as well as closures etc.

That is why I suggested she try to speak with an afro hairdresser to see if there might be any suitable options that might work for her.

Definitely try what Dolt says, also have you looked at hair toppers?

I'm so sorry @alopeciarelationship but I think from your comments that your partner is an insensitive thoughtless arse at best and an uncaring self centred cock at worst.

I have alopecia areata (but lots of large patches) since about the same time as you by the sounds of it. Your comment about the wig and sex made me flinch for you as I understand how vulnerable you feel in times like that especially.

I have given up on wigs and have shaved my head completely (I do wear hairbands sometimes but they're an arseache with masks too).

I don't want to make you feel worse in a kind of "my DP is nicer than yours" way but wanted to tell you that there are kinder men than yours about and you absolutely are entitled to treated with more respect etc. My DP always said (during the process of me losing my hair) that he genuinely didn't give two fucks if I was bald but if I wanted wigs he would look at them with me. He also listened patiently to me (with hindsight ) going on and on and on about my hair and making him look at endless hairbands and wigs and scarves etc worn different ways

Eventually I myself grew fed of this and shaved my head (my DP actually did it for me) and I have come to be comfortable with it, and actually prefer it to the constant looking and checking on bald bits. (I had waist length curls before all this so it was a big change).

My DP shaves it for me (cut throat razor!) whenever I want, he says when I am completely bald my skin is like velvet (it really isn't ) and when it's stubbly (like now as I'm lazy) it's cute and calls me Fuzzy (in a nice way). He still seems to genuinely desire me just as much and has been a big part in me accepting my hair loss.

So whilst people may give him "the benefit of the doubt" especially if they're not in this situation, I think he's being a dick and should behave better (I generally do think this on a lot of DP/DH MN threads generally and that we should all set our bars high and not low.)

I think your DP has actually made this already stressful and upsetting time harder for you rather than easier but of course you know him best and know whether he is generally thoughtless of your feelings. If you are considering being single is it as part of a bigger picture? Sorry this is very long but I wanted to express solidarity with you!

@DoItAfraid I agree with dolt!!

I'm a black woman. One of my white female friends has alopecia and uses the same black hairdressers as me. Her wigs now look way better, more comfortable and much cheaper!!

Definitely source a local black hairdresser if you can was life changing for my friend x

My husband got alopecia, I think it was stress related. It was two years ago.

Initially I saw a small circle on the back of his head, and thought the barber had nicked it. Then it started spreading. I’d say he lost about forty percent of the hair on his head.

He went for about six months to a year of trying to hide it, and I won’t lie it looked awful. Because he wouldn’t have the rest of his hair cut. Then he eventually shaved his head. It was much better than the partial look but still because of the no eye brows or lashes it didn’t look great and I struggled internally to get used to it.

I spent my time telling him he looked fab. I even shaved it for him. All our friends were always telling him how great he looked. Although honestly I felt a bit uncomfortable sometimes, I just never let it show, it was the looks of strangers.

I think shaving it gave him the ability to stop stressing about it though, as we all tried so hard to make him feel good, friends, family, colleagues, and it came back fully about six months ago and I am delighted for him.

So he may have a level of discomfort op. Maybe he’s just trying to work his own way through it?

@RantyAnty

I'm sorry your ex was so horrible. No decent person would behave like that online. Yeah I thought about a hair system. I don't have much money after bills (min wage) so I'd have to factor in the upkeep, but it's an option if I can afford. Currently I spend between £600 and £1000 a year and that's about all I can stretch to.

@FuzzyAndCold

Thank you so much for the solidarity . Your partner sounds ace!!
You are right, I think that there are men who would be way more understanding than DP. At first he really was. It's only recently the comments and yes I do find it really hurtful.
I think what's going on is that he does find me less attractive, not hugely less or enough to want to leave, but I feel he finds it off-putting. He would never like to think of himself as 'shallow' though so he vehemently maintains he isn't put off at all. But these comments are it kind of 'coming out'. He can't reflect on himself (always been like that) so I think he sort of tries to blame/turn it onto me. Like he commented that he would prefer if I just went without any coverings and not "hide away" from him, yet if I do that I can tell he doesn't like that either by the look on his face the the 'drug addict' comment. The thing is, he always used to be so supportive and would never say a word.

@Bluntness100

Thanks for your perspective. When you say you struggled internally what was that like?

I think he thought (and still thinks) my hair will grow back, he says it always grows back. Although I've told him over and over it won't (the type of alopecia I have doesn't). He's had 5 years to think about it though.

I'm glad your husband's hair grew back and he had such supportive family and friends.

If I’m honest op, if he had shaved it relatively quickly it would have been better, but he didn’t, it took months, so he was going to work, social events etc, with half his hair missing in very obvious patches ans the rest kind of long . And although everyone was kind, I could see the looks. As could he, and he was very very self conscious. He really struggled with it. I kept saying to him you need to shave it or trim it and he wasn’t having it. So I think during that period I struggled with his appearance when with other people.

Then when he shaved it he did look a lot better, and he did suit it to an extent, but with the missing eye brows and lashes you could tell it wasn’t like other guys shaving their heads. That something was wrong.

We’ve been together 32 years, so it wasn’t an adjustment as such to his appearance as such, more I knew how unhappy he was about it and other people’s looks or comments bothered me. And I didn’t like them trying not to stare or have sympathy.

He said during second lock down, I think my hair is coming back and I said, ok grow it, if it’s not then we can shave it again, we were in lock down anyway, but he was right, and his eye brows were the last to come back, and are fully in now.

I think for me it was his discomfort and others by proxy, which led to my discomfort.

I think it’s not you don’t love the person any less or any of that stuff, it’s just an adjustment. It sounds very shallow, but loosing your hair is very difficult, and there can also be a second hand discomfort for a partner, as they are constantly trying to say the right thing.

Although I do agree five years is long enough for him to adjust.

"The thing is, he always used to be so supportive and would never say a word."

Do you know when this started to change, if he hasn't always been like this? It might help to throw some light onto why he has started being more unkind @alopeciarelationship

As a kind of side note, I also think there is a big difference in how men and women experience alopecia. Apart from the fact you see far more bald/very close cropped hair on men anyway so it's a cultural norm far more than for women, women are judged much more heavily on their appearance and hair is a huge part of it. A man who has always had a short back and sides has a totally different experience losing his hair not just for the reasons above but it isn't part of his identity in the same way as a woman losing waist length curls and all the associated hairstyles etc and time you have spent on it. Women are also more likely to be perceived to be ill as a bald head on women is more of a "surprise" than a bald man. I'm not saying women have it worse or making it a competition, but this is just my experience and it's hard to know what it's like unless you have been in the situation.

@FuzzyAndCold

So 2016 I noticed a patch. I've always had fine hair so it's more obvious. It spread, and I was so upset. At first he was really supportive saying it didn't bother him in the slightest, mentioning how people like Gail Porter etc were still attractive, saying he doesn't care he just loves me.
I spent a while figuring out wigs and when I started wearing one in 2017 he was a bit 'off' with it for a while. It didn't help that his mum was going through chemo at the same time and also had a wig. There was a particular occasion where I was clearly invited to an event with his friends and their partners, but he kept making excuses why I shouldn't go and went himself. That still hurts to this day.
I was quite vile to him for a while. Probably about 18 months, like accusing him of looking at other women, freezing and pushing him away during sex as I couldn't relax during it, then accusing him of not fancying me. I was hurting and felt 'less than'.
Then probably around late 2018 to 2019 things improved. I wore my wig or a headband and a clip in ponytail (still have enough hair to do that but need to cover the front patches and the ponytail is really thin), and have ever since. It just became the norm and not really mentioned by either of us anymore.

Then around September time last year I didn't cover for a few days. That's when he made the 'you look Ill/drug addict' comment when drunk. I was upset for days and he barely apologised.
I said I'd never go without my headband or wig in front of him again, but I did around Christmas, and he commented "so you've decided to be normal now".
I lost more hair just after and I started wearing the wig/headband again. I told him I lost more hair and he reassured me.
Then the comment to take it off it looks like a tennis headband stop hiding away was last weekend.

Sorry I mean I've worn the wig or headband continuously since 2017, except maybe a few days occasionally. Even in bed.

FortuneFave
I am a black woman - I know very well how wigs, weaves, hair extensions etc are attached

They are not necessarily attached directly to the hair - people use all sorts of things from wig caps that go underneath as well as closures etc

That is why I suggested she try to speak with an afro hairdresser to see if there might be any suitable options that might work for her

^This

You can wear a lace front or U Part wig, not necessary to sew-on. Only if you want to, for convenience.

But OP your partner is rude and insensitive, how would he like it if he was going bald and you mentioned it? He just needs to STFU unless he's going to be supportive. It's awful to focus upon something you know makes another feel bad.

I can't imagine, whether it were my DP or a friend - commenting on their hair loss.

I also think women who think it's cool for him to be like this are shallow af. We are more than our hair. & Hair loss is hard enough to deal with without being just expected to take on board the comments of a man about it.

Like he commented that he would prefer if I just went without any coverings and not "hide away" from him, yet if I do that I can tell he doesn't like that either by the look on his face the the 'drug addict' comment
🙄

[quote Nocares]@DoItAfraid I agree with dolt!!

I'm a black woman. One of my white female friends has alopecia and uses the same black hairdressers as me. Her wigs now look way better, more comfortable and much cheaper!!

Definitely source a local black hairdresser if you can was life changing for my friend x[/quote]
Did you mean to say you agree with me? Because I am the one who suggested the black hairdresser actually .....

I like to second the idea of a black hair
dresser
This guys are well known in the black community for installing high quality lace wigs at affordable prices within £500 range.
www.instagram.com/alistlacehair/?hl=en

It feels as if you have two options in order to be happy. 1. Accept what he said and that he struggles with it and perhaps doesn't find you as attractive sometimes, but if the relationship is otherwise good, you could try to draw a line under what he said. Put the hurt and anger in a box and decide to go forward with a fresh start and confidence.

1. You think the hurt and disappointment is too much to get over and separate. Living singly in a more relaxed way. Sleeping without a hairpiece and feeling free to be yourself. You may then struggle to find the confidence to date, but you know yourself better than we do.

Take your time too. 💐

[quote Nocares]@DoItAfraid I agree with dolt!!

I'm a black woman. One of my white female friends has alopecia and uses the same black hairdressers as me. Her wigs now look way better, more comfortable and much cheaper!!

Definitely source a local black hairdresser if you can was life changing for my friend x[/quote]
I was going to suggest the same. I’m a black woman and my hairdresser has a lot of non-black clients who go to her for wigs , sew ins etc to help with hair loss. She does a fantastic job and has a very loyal client base.