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Original poster

Age gaps

50 replies

Mellymelson · 09/02/2021 18:39

How would you feel about your younger 17 year old sister dating a 28/29 year old? Am I right to be worried

OP posts:
Rosieposy89 · 09/02/2021 18:46

Yes that's really creepy.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 09/02/2021 18:53

An 11-12 year age gap wouldn't bother me if the woman was, say in her 30s. 17? All sorts of no.

Original poster
Mellymelson · 09/02/2021 19:10

Just currently found this out and my immediate family think me suggesting he might be a predator is ‘really mean’ and ‘out of order’

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2021 19:12

I think your family are delusional. I would be very concerned about your sister.

crispychicken12 · 09/02/2021 19:13

It's not the age gap as such that concerns me, it's the fact she's only 17. What would he have in common from a 17yr old, creepy.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/02/2021 19:14

Thank god she has one sensible adult in her life. Dating a 17 year old girl as a man in your late 20s is absolutely grim at best. Predatory, yes because the power / life stage imbalance is so vast.

Original poster
Mellymelson · 09/02/2021 19:19

Yeah the age gap isn’t too much of a problem for me either. Even if she was mid to late 20’s and he was 12 years older, I wouldn’t mind too much because I believe she’s at an age where she can make informed decisions like that. 17 years old is just to young in my eyes but my family refuse to even talk to her about it. My sister is wanting him to come round to the family house and play happy families! I don’t want him anywhere near me because I think he must has predatory tendencies

OP posts:
SeeYouInAnotherLife · 09/02/2021 19:23

I would be concerned too.

My partner is 12 years older than me but I’m 40 and he’s 52. It’s no big deal at our age.

It IS a big deal when the younger person is a teenager and the older person a fully fledged adult. As another poster has said, the life stage/power imbalance is just too large for it to be anything but creepy.

Mmmmdanone · 09/02/2021 19:35

I think it's too much of a gap at too young an age but saying that, I have friends who met when she was 18 and he was 29. They've now been married for years and are lovely together.

Original poster
Mellymelson · 09/02/2021 20:05

I’m sure in some cases it’s worked out in the end, but personally I think if someone close to 30 would even consider dating a child, then there’s something not quite right with them

OP posts:
PurBal · 09/02/2021 20:09

I do think 18 is a bit of a magic number. I dated a (then) 35 year old at 18 for about a year. We're still good friends, I don't think the age gap in and if itself is an issue.

category12 · 09/02/2021 20:10

I'd be concerned.

I probably wouldn't use emotive words like predator when speaking to your family about it. Perhaps just talk to your mum or whoever individually about it in terms of there being an experience gap and power dynamic?

theginge · 09/02/2021 20:16

Just to add some balance... I was 17 when I started dating a 28yr old. 14 years later, we are married with 3 children, a mortgage and all that goes with it. It worked and is still working for us. The age gap was never an issue for us and he was in no way a 'predator'! Age is just a number past the age of consent!

Original poster
Mellymelson · 09/02/2021 20:22

I have spoken to my sister about it multiple times but she is very very defensive, saying we have to put up with it, none of our business, and if we don’t accept him into our family then she won’t be talking to us (she hasn’t even looked me in the eye for 6 months now). I’ve asked can we just move on and be civil for the family’s sake but she won’t even consider it until I apologise and accept him. I simply can not do it.

I didn’t use those sort of words straight away, but I was just trying to explain my point that he could be with her for certain reasons (not to sure how to say it without using words like ‘predatory’).

She has been staying around his house almost everyday, only coming home to get a lift to work off my parents and to wash her clothes. She is very very selfish to the point where she can’t see why her family are hurt by this (parents are accepting but very upset about the situation). She isn’t really ‘selling’ him to us like I thought she would (e.g. going on about his good points - which I would personally do if I was her) so I don’t really see me accepting him anytime soon.

Just not to sure what to do about the whole situation and my family are hurting. She just wants us to ‘put up and shut up’.

OP posts:
ssdddssssddd · 09/02/2021 20:34

@theginge

Just to add some balance... I was 17 when I started dating a 28yr old. 14 years later, we are married with 3 children, a mortgage and all that goes with it. It worked and is still working for us. The age gap was never an issue for us and he was in no way a 'predator'! Age is just a number past the age of consent!
Ok, and when I was 17 I was targeted by a man in his 20s who trafficked me for sexual exploitation. Before the rapes began I thought it was a wonderful relationship too.

A 17 year old is a child. It is disturbing that you would post in defence of adult men getting into sexual relationships with children.

Anyone for whom it does not end badly is by far the exception.

ssdddssssddd · 09/02/2021 20:37

Op, the trouble is if you push her she will dig in and become more defensive. Criticism of him feels like criticism of her. And he will be in her head.

The only way to approach it is the way you would approach anyone in an abusive relationship - don't tell her what to do, don't criticise, be there for her and keep communication open. Women's Aid have some advice.

It's shit when you can see someone in harm's way and can't do anything.

Original poster
Mellymelson · 09/02/2021 20:39

I’m also worried about something like this. What if I don’t do/say something then something like this happens? In 10 years time she will be so angry at us for ‘letting this happen’

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/02/2021 20:51

Age is just a number past the age of consent!

Do you really believe that? Someone's age also reflects their experience, earning ability, emotional maturity, life stage and lots of other things. It's trite to say that isn't the case once someone is over 16.

I'm happy your relationship has worked out but in most cases, a man in his late twenties and a young woman of 17 are incompatible to the point it's irresponsible for the man to pursue it.

And most men in their twenties wouldn't want to date someone 17 years old as it the disparity of all the examples I listed would feel huge.

At 17, people are vulnerable as they have far less power (see earning potential / maturity / life experience etc) than someone a decade older.

Again, while I'm glad it worked for you I don't think that's the case for the majority of relationships that start with a young woman of 17 and a man 10+ years older.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 09/02/2021 20:56

I've been in this situation, it was fine. No issues at all due to age

Eekay · 09/02/2021 20:59

My personal experience of being with a much older man at 17 ended very badly. I finally found the courage to leave at 24 with my LOs. He did me a lot of damage which I didn't fully appreciate until I was much older myself.
I think I was over 30 before the lightning bolt hit and I realised that he hadn't just been a terrible partner, but was actually a predatory abuser.
Why would a man twenty years older want to be with a teenager??
His next wife was even younger than me.

Original poster
Mellymelson · 09/02/2021 21:16

@Eekay

My personal experience of being with a much older man at 17 ended very badly. I finally found the courage to leave at 24 with my LOs. He did me a lot of damage which I didn't fully appreciate until I was much older myself. I think I was over 30 before the lightning bolt hit and I realised that he hadn't just been a terrible partner, but was actually a predatory abuser. Why would a man twenty years older want to be with a teenager?? His next wife was even younger than me.
That’s my main worry, she’s going to look back in years time and wish we done more for her.

Even though the 29 year old might not be looking to be abusive, I do feel that the power-balance in this relationship could affect her for a long time.

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 10/02/2021 08:53

I don’t think this is inherently a wrong relationship but I would be cautious and try to keep communication channels open between you and her, as I would suggest with any relationship between a family member and someone you aren’t convinced is a good choice, for whatever reason that may be.
I’m sorry to say that your current approach is doing much more harm than good, she’ll just dig in further and refuse to tell you anything moving forward, even if there is a problem, which there may not ever be. As for expecting her to go on about his good points, why should she? She’s going out with him, she’s not asking any of you to. Besides, you’d only think she was over compensating if she did.
She’s at that weird age where she’s so close to being an adult but she’s just not quite there yet, maturity wise. It’ll probably fizzle out, as most relationships do at her age, but if it doesn’t, she’ll need her family either way.
I do think reactions from both you and your parents seem to have been ott at this stage. No one needs to be upset or angry or anything else about this, not yet anyway. Has she ever had a boyfriend before?

Ughmaybenot · 10/02/2021 08:56

Fwiw I went out with a 27 year old when I was, just, 18, and a 34 year old when I was 20 ish, they were both good relationships with good men that just didn’t work out, for whatever reason. I ended both relationships and never felt out of control, at the time or since.
I’m now happily married to someone a couple of years older. All’s well that ends well.

Original poster
Mellymelson · 10/02/2021 09:42

@Ughmaybenot

No she’s never had a boyfriend before (that she’s told us), and I would consider her very immature compared to other 17 year olds.

I don’t believe our reactions were over the top at all. When she first told us we just started asking questions, and she refused to say anything, not even what he does for a living, how she met him, nothing. Just said that she’s going out with him and that’s that.

We didn’t say anything to her for a while, but were very worried because we didn’t understand why she wouldnt tell us. I quietly tried to discuss it with her a few times and told her my concerns. (And this isn’t out the ordinary for my family, as they all tell me about their concerns with my partner).

Two other things have made me more concerned about the relationship. First thing, she told us she was going out with him a week after her 18th birthday (wanted to bring him to her birthday meal with the wider family), yet a couple of weeks after that my friend (who has a little sister her age) told me that my sisters put up a ‘1 year anniversary’ post. I asked her why she didn’t tell us before if they’ve been together for so long, she said because her boyfriend said it’s better to wait until she’s 18. To me this sounds really calculated? If what their doing is completely fine, why would he ask her to keep quiet?

Second thing, I was staying at my parents (room next to her) and her phone was ringing for a while. I’ve say like 3 times after the space of 10 minutes. Next time it rang she must of heard it as she was downstairs and sprinted up stairs so fast, answered the phone saying something along the lines of ‘I’m so sorry!!!! Sorry sorry sorry, I left my phone upstairs, I was just making food, really really sorry!!! I won’t do it again’.

These things are very small things I know, but they’re all just adding up to make me feel uncomfortable about him. And she’s been completely ignoring me until I apologise for my concerns and completely accept him, have him at all family events and let him stay over.

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 10/02/2021 09:56

Yea I mean, your update does explain a lot. Primarily that this boyfriend seems to be displaying some controlling tendencies. I don’t think the one year thing is something to be vastly concerned with but her answering the phone that way is very sad. I guess all you can really do is say you’re sorry if you upset her but that she’s your little sister and you’ll always worry about her... try and frame it as more of a general thing as opposed to fixating on this boyfriend.
Second to that, and this is more of an aside really, that you’re very used to having a lot of input and access (for want of a better word!) to each other’s lives in your family, which I am not saying is a bad thing, but it is something that as your sister gets older, may change. It might not be something she wants, entirely separate to this particular issue.
Clearly you have a gut feeling about this guy, and I don’t think that’s to do with his age as your op would suggest, it’s her behaviour since being with him. Controlling men are controlling at any age, 17, 27 or 107!
I hope your sister comes around soon, and feels she is able to drop her defensive position. It’s clear how much you love and care about her.