Age gaps

[Mellymelson]

How would you feel about your younger 17 year old sister dating a 28/29 year old? Am I right to be worried

Second thing, I was staying at my parents (room next to her) and her phone was ringing for a while. I’ve say like 3 times after the space of 10 minutes. Next time it rang she must of heard it as she was downstairs and sprinted up stairs so fast, answered the phone saying something along the lines of ‘I’m so sorry!!!! Sorry sorry sorry, I left my phone upstairs, I was just making food, really really sorry!!! I won’t do it again’.

This would be concerning at any age but to already be so conditioned by a bloke who is your first boyfriend, when you're 17, is so sad. I would feel just as anxious as you OP, definitely. If I heard a sibling in their 30s responding to a partner like that I would be concerned, let alone 17.

They had been together a year when she was about to turn 18. So they met when she was 16. A man in his late 20s has no business dating a girl in year 11 doing her GCSEs. It's unhealthy IMO, even without the controlling behaviour implied by that phone call.

He met a child two years off becoming an adult legally. It's grim OP.

The shit thing is that if you go too hardline on this you'll push her away which will ultimately make her more vulnerable, so you're stuck between a rock and a dickhead!

If you reject the relationship to her face then you'll risk her doubling down, moving in with him (so she'll either drop out of education to work and potentially lose access to opportunities she would otherwise have had) or she won't drop out but will be reliant on him financially and lose her support network.

It's shit all round but keeping her close and in regular contact is probably the lesser of two evils.

As I said, a man in his 20s wanting to date a girl he knows is 16 is grim as fuck, most men wouldn't even consider doing that if they knew her age.

He is a predator.
Has she said what she sees in this old guy?

@RantyAnty

I have no idea. She literally won’t say a thing about him. All I know is that he comes from a really ‘rough’ family, he lives at home with his parents, doesn’t own a car, doesn’t earn a lot.... (he’s 30 now). Which I think is another strange thing, that his parents were okay with him bringing a 16 year old home to stay the night.

I’m only 23 so to think my younger sister is with someone that’s 7 years old than me is also a very strange thought while she’s still so young.

Something you could consider doing, given that he is controlling, is a Clare's Law application to see if he has previous convictions for being abusive in a relationship.

Beyond that (and I agree it's grim; the 'rule' is half your age + 7 yrs for a reason) be supportive and say you will always be there for her. Does she have plans for when she finishes school/ education? What do her friends think of loverboy?

OP, you're the responsible adult here and you need to step in. No normal 28yo man with good intentions dates (and presumably) sleeps with a 17yo girl. It's sick. Men like this always target girls who are vulnerable in some way and don't have adults looking out for them. I would actually contact the man directly and warn him off. The 17yo won't listen to you because at that age, having an older boyfriend is ultra desirable and she'll be flattered by his attention. It's the sort of thing she'll look back on when she's several years older and regret, and probably wonder why the rest of you didn't do more to look out for her at such an impressionable age.

Oh fuck yes! When I was twenty, my female friends would have thought it was a bit off and pervy if a guy or our own age would have been out with a 17 year old!! So 28 would have been quite a big flag. She's too young to know better I think.

My boyfriend would be having a word with him make no mistake.

He’s abusive and your sister is vulnerable. Focusing on the age gap is a red herring. Dont even mention his age, just talk about how he makes her feel. Tell her you’ll be there for her of things don’t work out.

If you keep on at her about the age gap you risk pushing her further away. He will always spin it as a forbidden love, you’re making her think she is Juliet and he is Romeo.

@Aknifewith16blades

Unfortunately she’s already dropped out of school, and working 3 days a week in as a shop assistant. And just doesn’t seem to want to do anything else other than see him. When we ask she wants to do in her career she responds with a really child like answer. And when we ask what’s she’s doing about it, she just says she’ll start looking soon (it’s been a year and she hasn’t looked once)

I can just see it all going downhill from here :( I’m worried he’s going to try and get her pregnant just to get a council house...

I actually think you (your family not just you) need to try and make peace enough to meet him. You're dealing with this blind because you have no intel on him.

Can you suggest to your parents that you make peace and invite him over. She's coming 19 and they've been together 18 months if I understand right. Disapproving isn't working and probably suits him because all he doesn't have to deal with you.

You need to build bridges with her so you don't lose her to him completely.

Stick to "realised it's lasted so long, you're not a child anymore rather than you were wrong

@LivBa @EarthSight @MaLarkinn

I agree with all of your posts. My first thought was to go round his house and ask him the hell he is doing, i just dont understand. I'm 23 and when i look at a 17 year old i just see a child, my boyfriend has a 17 year old sister and she is just so young to me. So when i think of an almost 30 year old, he must see that too, which just makes me so uncomfortable.

There is no way i could confront him even for a conversation because my family don't back me AT ALL. My dad doesn't want anything to do with him (he doesn't say that to my sister btw) and my mum is upset (but agian doesn't say it to my sister). They were annoyed I even expressed my concerns, but i just feel like if i don't say it, then she might not even consider what he could be doing. I basically just want her to keep her eyes open.

If one of my 23 year old friends started going out with a 17 year old, I would ask him what the hell was he doing because I think it's weird. They just came out of school ffs!!! Remember how stupid and immature you were at school

I think you're right, at 17 that's a big age gap. If she was 27 it wouldn't concern me, she should be mature enough in every way to make her own mind up.

She's 17 she will act like that. I was 16 when I got in relationship with a guy that age it was cool he could drive and take me places so I thought.. When he had enough of me he said he went for me as knew he could emotionally manipulate me.
He was a guy behind a desk as I signed up for the library was with my Foster parent so angry no one stepped in.
First date he was romantic then took me to his place got me drunk and anal raped me. Talked to polhce and they don't think I have enough to go on as was 16 and sounds conseual I know now I was too young and vulnerable.

All you can do is be her friend so she will tell you what's happening or she will shut you out now and you won't know what's going on with them

It depends ... it is a large age gap for her age but does depend how they met, how mature he is and the nature of their relationship. My dd has met a guy 11 years older than her (she's early 20's) but they have a shared hobby etc and he seems very caring (lockdown means they cannot see each other).

Alarm bells are ringing @Mellymelson but just saying he's too old will result in alienation, so tread carefully. She does need to come to her conclusions herself

Second thing, I was staying at my parents (room next to her) and her phone was ringing for a while. I’ve say like 3 times after the space of 10 minutes. Next time it rang she must of heard it as she was downstairs and sprinted up stairs so fast, answered the phone saying something along the lines of ‘I’m so sorry!!!! Sorry sorry sorry, I left my phone upstairs, I was just making food, really really sorry!!! I won’t do it again’.

Sounds abusive.

I have a DD of 17 and would NOT be happy with her seeing a man of 28/29 at all. To be honest, he would be dealing with my wrath if a man of that age made any moves towards my daughter. I don't give a shit if it has worked out for some PP on this thread - you are in the minority with that one.

OP she and the family are being groomed. He is already being controlling. It doesn't bode well at all. The only thing you can do is sit it out and wait until it all goes to shit (because it will) and be supportive then. You can then say "I told you so" to the family members who have ignored your concerns.

Shes over 16 as long as he isn't wanting her to not go out and drink and go on holidays with friends and settle down and have kids if keep your nose out tbh her life

@Christmasfairy2020

Saying ‘she’s over 16’ is honestly the stupidest thing you could say. 16-18 year olds can still get taken advantage of due to their age by older men.

You clearly don’t know any 16 years olds.

The only thing you can do really is make sure that she knows you are there for her and you're on her team. If she feels like you'll say 'I told you so!!', she probably won't come to you with problems. Try to listen as calmly as you can, like she's a friend your age. If you don't and if she feels like sge's not taken seriously, she will go into a 'No one understands because they all think I'm a baby' type of thinking. I would emphasise that even if you were her, you'd still be warning her off men with thag much of an age gap because they're often trouble. They often end up discarding their wives when a younger women comes along. It'll be difficult though for her to think of him in that way if she's convinced she knows him and that they're star crossed lovers!

OP, you've said your piece to her. Make sure you keep communication open between you, tell her you love her and will support her whatever, and that you're on her side and always will be. That's all you can do really.

If you see controlling behaviours, gently talk about what normal relationships look like.

But at this point, it's probably better to try to keep her close and pretend to accept him, rather than drive her away by making him unwelcome/making it an issue.

A teenage should not be dating someone in their 20s. She is too young and vulnerable. It would be fine in a few years

@category12 @EarthSight

That is my plan, I am planning to not discuss it with her ever again and let her live her life however as I now know my concern for her welfare is not welcome. My main problem is now that she refuses to even look at me, I can't even remember how long she hasn't been speaking to me now, somewhere between a 6months to a year. It's making my mum extremely upset, crying quite often.

She has told my immediate family that she won't speak to me until i apologise for what I've said and let her boyfriend join all family events. Theres two reasons I can't do this. 1 I can't apologise because I'm not actually sorry for expressing my concerns. 2. Her boyfriend looks about 40 years old (balding, smokes so very aged skin) and constantly wears tracksuits, my extended family would be very very concerned and it would absolutely break my grandparents hearts, they would be sick with worry. (I'm not quite sure why she can't just date him without involving the wider family for a few years, my partner didn't really come to family events for about 3-4 years after we started dating).

So i feel I'm completely stuck, don't know how to progress in this. (btw, I have offered to just forget the situation and to be civil just for families sake, but she has said she wants a proper sincere apology before she would even consider it)

AND I do not think at all that my comment about him actually bothers her, the reason she wants an apology is more of a power-trip thing.

It's a choice about pride here, really. What's more important? Trying to rebuild bridges or being right? She's vulnerable, you think she's at risk of being abused. Why is an apology too much to offer for the greater good?

@category12

You could say 'pride' but I say I'm not letting her control me. She will just constantly do this, blank anyone in the family if they don't agree, and to make things better that person would have to grovel to her. If it was a matter of me just saying "I'm sorry for expressing my concerns and using words i shouldn't of' then that would be fine. But she wants me to basically beg and say I was completly in the wrong and just a horrible person. She doesn't believe I'm coming from a place of love.

I believe we should just agree to disagree and move on.