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Original poster

A complicated situation..

43 replies

petalsandpearls · 09/02/2021 14:40

Has anyone experienced that deep true love soulmate type of love ?
Even though I am married to a good man who loves and cares about me very much I have a strong connection with a married man who I have been friends with for over 20 years and he feels the same. A complicated situation.
Has anyone been able to forget their 'true love' and move on with their life with positivity?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 14:42

What’s complicated? If you feel strongly enough about him then end your marriage whether or not he leaves his wife because you’re being emotionally unfaithful to your husband. Or cut contact with this man and concentrate on your marriage.

If you were so right for each other why did you both marry other people?

And if you’re telling each other you love each other you’re already having an affair, don’t pretend you’re not.

litterbird · 09/02/2021 14:44

I have never forgotten my true love but it resides in my brain and heart as something that I experienced and am grateful for that. Can it be that you think he is your soul mate and true love because he is slightly out of reach, untouchable as in a Mills and Boon story? Is it that your brain is imagining all sorts of amazing life scenarios if you just weren't married to your other partners but to your perceived "soul mate?"

Muskox · 09/02/2021 14:52

You have to make a choice OP. Either end your marriage and start a relationship with this man (assuming he's also prepared to leave his wife). Or forget him and throw yourself whole heartedly into saving your marriage. We can't tell you which to do, but it must be one or the other.

freezedriedromance · 09/02/2021 14:53

If you're discussing feelings in that way with another man you're already having an emotional affair. Sort it out OP. Nothing complicated about it.

MadameButterface · 09/02/2021 14:55

I knew this would be a limerence person before I clicked on it.

AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 09/02/2021 15:02

Yes. Had a “one true love” dramatic type thing in my late teens. After it ended - after enough years that it seemed permanent- I never thought I’d get over it. Had a relationship with a “just alright” sort of guy who I liked but just accepted that it was what it was.... you only get one true love. But then I met my now husband and he was a much my soulmate as the first guy, if not more so. And I realised that you can have more than one true love. It’s hard though, it’s not like I actively did anything to seek out another true love.... he just appeared in my life one day.

Scrunchy95 · 09/02/2021 15:08

Do you and this other guy talk a lot about how you feel? Have you been physical and have you both always felt this way?

You need to end a relationship here. Either you leave your husband or you cut this other guy out of your life. You won't be living in harmony or authentically until you do.

Cpl415642 · 09/02/2021 15:20

It's not very complicated. You're in love with someone else. Either you decide to leave and he decides to leave and you'll be together, or you'll both stay with your partner's.

I'd say if you want to stop the feelings and stay in your current marriage you have to cut contact with your 'friend'. No chats, no catch-ups, out of sight put of mind as they say

Original poster
petalsandpearls · 09/02/2021 15:23

He told his wife he was in love with me and left the family home. I have been honest with my husband and we are living separately.
His wife tried to take her life and was self harming in front of the children which really upset him. She told him that if he left her for me she would make our lives a misery. She has a controlling personality and is seeing a therapist. He has now returned to her so that he can look after their two children, as he is scared social services will remove their children. He wants what is best for everyone.
I am trying to move on because I love my husband but it is not the same type of love.

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 09/02/2021 15:26

Why don't the kids live with him. I know men who've done that.

Was his story of what happened verifiable?

gaijinetal · 09/02/2021 15:27

They should have been staying with him at least half the time anyway.

litterbird · 09/02/2021 15:33

This sounds like a really complicated set of circumstances that can occur when people look outside their primary relationship and have an EA or physical one. I would step away now and spend some time on your own. Grieve what you thought might happen with your new beau and realise it probably wont happen anymore. Are you going back to your husband now? Or are you moving on from your husband...its not very clear.

JustFrustrated · 09/02/2021 15:36

You believed that story?

Jesus. He's lying to you.

Slub · 09/02/2021 15:36

Oh dear

Original poster
petalsandpearls · 09/02/2021 15:37

He doesn't spend much time with them because his wife does not let him take them anywhere alone, she is very controlling. She has made all the decisions during their marriage. He tends to work long hours to avoid home life which is very sad for the children.

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 09/02/2021 15:41

You probably feel like this about him because you don't know him very well - you only see and hear the idealised version. The reality is that he is a man who would willingly cheat on his partner. He's also manipulative - he is trying to manipulate you.

Its astonishing how frequently this type have a controlling wife who has tried to commit suicide and will prevent the poor innocent little darling from having access to his children. The only part that sounds likely is her seeing a therapist to help her cope with his awful behaviour.

Cpl415642 · 09/02/2021 15:43

Hmmm I would advise you explore this board and you might find that there are many examples of men in affairs chickening out at the last minute and staying with their wives.

If he can't or doesn't want to be with you, then I stand by my advice about cutting contact with him and moving on with your life.

DogsSausages · 09/02/2021 15:47

Do you think he ever truly loved his wife, how old at their children.are you planning to marry him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 15:47

If you’ve known him 20 years why did you marry other people?

Why did you initially refer to yourself as married rather than separated and living alone?

SillyOldMummy · 09/02/2021 15:50

Sounds like a right old mess. I feel sorry for you, and for everyone involved especially the kids. The only way you could possibly get past this is to go no contact with the OM. It would be horribly painful, you might not fully recover to be honest. It could take years to feel better. But you will torture yourself carrying on as you are, so I'm not sure what choice you have - if the OM is going to stay with his family it will be kinder to everyone to completely sever contact.

I don't believe in soulmates, but I believe you can form a very deep connection with other people. It is a proper shame if you do that with someone who isn't your husband, and in my view something must have been deeply wrong for you to allow that to happen. You should reflect on that, in order to heal and move on from it. Some counselling could help relieve the strain.

Original poster
petalsandpearls · 09/02/2021 15:52

We know each other very well. Not just the good side of him. We have been close friends for over 20 years. If you have never been in a controlling relationship you will not understand. His behaviour has not been awful, he has simply confided in me, okay yes.. we've had an emotional affair because there was obviously something missing from our own relationships. He is a caring father who wants the best life for his children. Maybe he saw a way out of the life he currently has.

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 09/02/2021 15:57

Well, there is a way out of the life he currently has OP. He can initiate divorce proceedings, like many people do, and if his wife does have the MH history that he alleges she does, then he will obviously get custody of the children. So what he is saying isn't even remotely plausible. In fact, any remotely responsible father would already have left with the children.

It is so obviously made up and you sound completely taken in OP. Do you have any actual evidence to hand to back up what he is saying, or has all of this come from him? He's even used the old "working long hours" excuse!

How on earth is having an affair with you going to give him a way out of the "life he currently has" when he would remain married with children? Its utter nonsense.

I bet he's had affairs before too. The script is too practised.

Original poster
petalsandpearls · 09/02/2021 16:01

I'm not really sure if he TRUELY loved his wife @DogsSausages. He loved her when they married but sadly he has fallen out of love with her. Their children are ages 6 and 2, lovely children who I get on well with.

OP posts:
Original poster
petalsandpearls · 09/02/2021 16:11

Thank you @SillyOldMummy. It is complicated. We both feel as though we need each other in our lives. We wouldn't want to break all contact because we honestly know this would never happen. I believe all children should have a stable loving fun childhood but this is not happening in this case, which is really sad. I would walk away completely if I thought they would be a happy and content family. Yes- you are right, something must of been wrong in both our marriages for this to happen.

OP posts:
DogsSausages · 09/02/2021 16:16

Why are you seeing his children, how do you think that makes his wife feel.

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