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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A complicated situation..

43 replies

petalsandpearls · 09/02/2021 14:40

Has anyone experienced that deep true love soulmate type of love ?
Even though I am married to a good man who loves and cares about me very much I have a strong connection with a married man who I have been friends with for over 20 years and he feels the same. A complicated situation.
Has anyone been able to forget their 'true love' and move on with their life with positivity?

OP posts:

Cpl415642 · 09/02/2021 16:18

But really, still, it's not that complicated. You can't be together, and you say you 'cant' stop contact, so you will continue to have this emotional affair until whenever.

Are you getting divorced or will you stay with your husband?

At the start of this thread you asked how to 'forget your true love' and the answer is cutting contact. If you 'cant', then it's really quite simple, you'll go on as you have been.

I don't understand from your most recent post - why don't his children have a stable childhood? Is this something he has said or that you have concluded?

lambsandlion · 09/02/2021 16:32

Don't do it. Walk away while you can. This is a dream, and reality will be different. To his children you will always be the person that broke their parents' marriage up. The only way this will work is for you to walk away. If he divorces his wife, sorts all the problems that will happen from that, and still wants to be with you then you may have a future. Treat it as a daydream that has to stop.

WomanInYellow · 09/02/2021 16:38

So you had an affair then? He wouldn’t have told his wife he was in love with you if you hadn’t become much more than friends? Did she find out you were carrying on behind her back? Are you friends with his wife too to know what he’s saying is true?

In an affair you can think you’re ‘in love’ but a lot of the time it’s really just the excitement of illicit sex and the secrecy which bonds you together. Were you both bored with the monotony of marriage and bringing up kids? Do your DC know each other, how are they faring, especially your OM’s kids who’s mother is obviously deeply distressed by what her husband been getting up to?

If it’s real love, you both need to end your marriages properly, divorce, sort out your DCs living arrangements then in a year or so take it from there. If his wife is holding onto him by threatening suicide, he needs to get advice about custody arrangements of his DC and get help for her by speaking to her GP and ensuring she’s safe. His actions have contributed to her breakdown so he needs to take responsibility for that.

Itstimetoquit · 09/02/2021 16:40

Oh dear,this reads terrible x

WomanInYellow · 09/02/2021 16:51

So he has very young DC and he’s suddenly fallen out of love with his wife and loves his friend of 20 years! I assumed his DC were teens.

No wonder his poor wife is in therapy. She must be thinking their marriage was a sham all along. Maybe his wife was ‘controlling’ because she realised something was up a long time ago?

Pumpkinpied · 09/02/2021 18:00

You get on well with his two year old?? So just how long have you two been having an EA (if that’s all it is) when he was clearly sleeping with his wife not that long ago?

GreenlandTheMovie · 09/02/2021 18:20

So OP, have the pair of you had an affair and you left your husband but he is still with his wife?

And he has a 2 year old and a 6 year old. Wow. You are way too involved in their marriage and how they bring up their children. He is at risk of being kicked out by his wife, but I wouldn't count on him moving in with you either.

OhCaptain · 09/02/2021 18:22

Soulmates that couldn’t get their shit together for twenty years?

No, I don’t believe in that.

rawalpindithelabrador · 09/02/2021 18:26

There's nothing complicated about this. You both cheated on your spouses. Then he jacked in his wife and it went tits up.

You both need to grow up because you are putting yourselves ahead of your children and spouses and people are getting hurt.

Sad for the spouses and children involved in this when people are so immature and selfish they put their need for sex above all else.

Mermaidwaves · 09/02/2021 18:33

Same old story here I'm afraid, he's fed you a load of lies and is blaming the 'unstable' ex wife for him staying. Let me guess, they don't sleep together, they live as housemates right? I see this here time and again, women believing what these cheating men tell them. You do realise you would never be able to trust him? If he can cheat on his wife and kids he will do it to you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 18:49

Did you know he was sleeping with the monster he describes his wife to be? He was having an affair with you while she was pregnant and had a newborn?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/02/2021 18:52

@AnneLovesGilbert

Did you know he was sleeping with the monster he describes his wife to be? He was having an affair with you while she was pregnant and had a newborn?

This. Grim.

You've had two decades to sort this out. It wasn't enough for you to make it happen. Either of you.

You need to grow up a bit, stop daydreaming about 'soulmates' and start putting the children involved first.

You've said they are suffering and not having the fun life they deserve. Yet that isn't enough for you to snap out of all this?

Do you think your relationship with this man (emotional affair) is more important than his children being healthy and happy? If yes, crack on. If not, step away. One of you needs to be the adult here, neither of you are at the moment.

DogsSausages · 09/02/2021 19:04

You shouldnt be so involved in his children, if he doesnt love his wife he should leave, get divorced, sort out joint custody of his children, IF his wife is unwell then he can apply for sole custody. He doesnt need to stay with his wife, you say she will make life difficult for you, what do you think she will do. If his wife is so difficult and controlling why did he stay with her and have children.

SameToo · 09/02/2021 19:07

Would love to hear the wife’s side of things...

lalafafa · 09/02/2021 19:10

He's totally bullshitting you, when push came to shove he bottled out. You've been had.

DanceLikeAdamAnt · 09/02/2021 19:12

Dear god why would you not steer clear of this situation. I believed i had soul mate love once. To be honest it was the least substantial love in the end. Just our wounds resonating.

DanceLikeAdamAnt · 09/02/2021 19:17

@petalsandpearls

He doesn't spend much time with them because his wife does not let him take them anywhere alone, she is very controlling. She has made all the decisions during their marriage. He tends to work long hours to avoid home life which is very sad for the children.

So she is controlling and makes all the decisions and yet.... self harms.

Maybe a psychotherapist could advise you on how those two beviours are a little incongruant. The first is the type of personality that projects all conflicts outwards and will control others to evade difficult emotions creeping in. The second behavior more typical of a person who internalises all doubts, fears and difficult emotions.

I would try to verify what you have been told with a mental health professional

frogswimming · 09/02/2021 19:31

" I believe all children should have a stable loving fun childhood but this is not happening in this case, which is really sad. I would walk away completely if I thought they would be a happy and content family. "

Well you're not exactly helping them have a happy childhood are you now! Whether they'd be your idea of a happy and contended family is none of your business. You're certainly making their life less happy and content than it could be. Taking some of their fathers love and attention away, causing serious emotional distress to their mother.

Also, love is not a feeling of infatuation. It is a way of acting and putting others first. You sound like you've watched too many 90s Rom coms tbh. Get real, you're not Julia roberts.

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