Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long-term relationships, does affection dwindle?

36 replies

MummyKyte78 · 09/02/2021 14:08

When you are in a long-term relationship does the amount of physical touch and affection get less and less? What have people experienced please?
I'm in my early 40s and have been with DP for just over 10 years, which is the first proper long relationship I have had so do not know if dwindling affection etc is to be expected?

OP posts:
Silverthorny · 09/02/2021 14:16

I would say certain aspects of it dwindle, and other aspects grow. I’m late 40’s - 2 children. DP and I bicker, and the passionate stage has gone. But we have two utterly beautiful children - and our love for them has replaced the passionate love. It’s a more challenging, selfless type of love - but far more meaningful and important. DP is more like a sibling, and he is my security.

Silverthorny · 09/02/2021 14:23

And - looking at people in their 50’s - they don’t tend to snog at the bus stop etc as much as twenty year olds. So I can see I’m heading that way. So family love has overtaken physical intimacy and self fulfilment.

Opia90 · 09/02/2021 14:30

I've just turned 30
Been with DP 10 years. Have 2 DC age 4 and 5. We still always make time for each other and are still passionate. The only thing that has changed really is the spontaneity..due to having 2 small children we cant just do what we want when we want haha!

Opia90 · 09/02/2021 14:33

But we do still want to I guess is my point even after 10 years Wink

Original poster
MummyKyte78 · 09/02/2021 14:39

Thank you for commenting 🙂
I know that things will naturally change over time and am definitely not into snogging in public etc lol. I have always been a very affectionate person and find it a little disheartening to have to approach DP every time I need a hug, cuddle etc. I don't do it all the time though and I'm not smothering him, he definitely doesn't complain. I guess I'm just expecting too much and the thought just doesn't occur to him despite him being very affectionate until a couple of years ago.

OP posts:
ASnowman · 09/02/2021 14:44

We've been together double that time and I find affection/ passion comes and goes depending on circumstancesand stress. We're getting on fine in lock down so quite affectionate but the house is full of people so maybe not as passionate as before.

Opia90 · 09/02/2021 14:44

Ah no not into snogging full stop tbh haha! I think I probably do approach him more for affection and just for hugs than he does but weve always been a bit like that. And sometimes I just want to be left alone after being with the kids all day.
Have you spoken to him and said youd like more cuddle and hugs from him without you having to go in first?

mistletoeandsigh · 09/02/2021 14:46

I guess the passion can dwindle but I haven't really found that affection does. It's over the past couple of years? Do you feel taken for granted in other ways at all? Are you usually the one to initiate conversations (the chatty kind, not big discussions)?

Whenever I have felt I am the one being ignored in a relationship I pull back a little and focus on myself, my hobbies, wellbeing etc. Somehow that pulls their focus more towards me, too. Make time for yourself and put yourself first a little more.

Opia90 · 09/02/2021 14:46

@ASnowman

We've been together double that time and I find affection/ passion comes and goes depending on circumstancesand stress. We're getting on fine in lock down so quite affectionate but the house is full of people so maybe not as passionate as before.
Deffo this aswell! Things change all the time
BaggoMcoys · 09/02/2021 14:47

I'd like to follow this. Have left a relationship that had no passion or romance, not even at the very beginning. Now I'm at the start of a new relationship and finally experiencing that "honeymoon phase" I'd heard so much about. I am wondering what happens over time. I hope things don't become just as boring, unaffectionate and unloving as they were in my long term relationship!

CrispsTasteSoGood · 09/02/2021 14:50

I think the problem is its a problem for you. I can't really see a reason why hugs and cuddles ever have to end. I remember talking to a couple in their 80's, been together all their adult lives, and they were still physically affectionate and still very much in love. It was lovely to see.

Original poster
MummyKyte78 · 09/02/2021 14:51

Opia, we have 2 DC aswell (between 5 and 10 years old) but even when they were younger DP was more affectionate than now. He says he loves me most days and I do believe him but it also feels as though I'm living with a friend that I share a bed with. We do cuddle in bed and he says he cuddles me in the night but I'm asleep then so don't really feel the benefit if that makes sense?
I have talked to him about it but after a few days it all dwindled again.

OP posts:
CrispsTasteSoGood · 09/02/2021 14:54

DP is more like a sibling...So family love has overtaken physical intimacy and self fulfilment

Must admit, I read this and think, 'are you sure your husband feels the same way? The relationships pages are full of women in similar marriages that really suit them until they find out their DH has been having an affair.

BigFatLiar · 09/02/2021 14:54

I have always been a very affectionate person and find it a little disheartening to have to approach DP every time I need a hug, cuddle etc

Does he know you're in need of a cuddle? If you don't tell him him may not realise.

We both have 'our' chairs so if you see the other sitting on the sofa its an invite for a cuddle and a chat.

Over thirty years together, not the jumping on each other stage any more but we still hold hands. If he goes to put the kettle on he'll kiss me on the top of my head as he passes and ask if I want a cuppa. Its a lot more relaxed than at the start, we still have the affection and intimacy but a bit less passion. We can sit for ages without talking and not be awkward about it. Even though we can sit not talking it still seems a bit empty when he's not there.

BigFatLiar · 09/02/2021 14:58

DP is more like a sibling...So family love has overtaken physical intimacy and self fulfilment

Have you talked to him about it? He may be thinking that he would like a bit more of the physical side but not wanting to push. Its easy for you both to settle down and be unhappy when neither wants to be the first to speak.

Original poster
MummyKyte78 · 09/02/2021 15:15

When we've talked about it he says that when he sees that I'm a bit down or not feeling well then he leaves me alone. I have told him numerous times that on those occasions I need the exact opposite of being left alone.
We can happily chat together or sit in comfortable silence. The passionate side has diminished as I would've expected but I kinda thought that the loving affection would last a lot longer? That's why I posted, I wanted to hear other people's experiences.

OP posts:
Juno231 · 09/02/2021 15:16

We've been together 12 years. It's definitely not passionate like it used to be but we still hold hands when on our walks and cuddle before bedtime every night. Random hugs when passing each other in the kitchen and leg squeezes/arm stroken when sat on the sofa. Then again I am a touchy feely person so I expect all of this and would be quite sad if I didn't have it - so OH makes an effort to do it for me (not his love language)

Original poster
MummyKyte78 · 09/02/2021 15:22

Juno231, that's exactly what I'd love to have and do but feel that it's all coming from my side. He always used to be like that too. I feel sad to have to keep reminding him that I need the affection (not a clingy need though)

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 09/02/2021 15:29

I think it depends very much on the relationship. We have hardly any affection at all after 30 years together (not my choice) and quite honestly it makes me miserable a lot of the time.

That said, I know other couples our age who still hold hands in public and are very affectionate to each other.

Original poster
MummyKyte78 · 09/02/2021 15:39

Yearinyearout, I know how you feel as I can get quite down about it at times. I have just been puzzled about it all because we had always had an affectionate relationship even after the honeymoon period went. When I have talked to him about it he just says that he will try harder and that's the end of the conversation. It last a couple of days and then back to normal again.

OP posts:
Opia90 · 09/02/2021 16:54

Yeh all that makes perfect sense especially not benefitting from hugs when your asleep.
I think what someone else said about stepping back and making more time for yourself and doing things you like is a good idea, and it might draw him in more? X

Wanderlust20 · 09/02/2021 17:16

Passion dwindles yes, but affection doesn't (at least for me). Or maybe it's just replaced by a different kind? DH and I aren't all over each other but after 8 years, we are still very tactile with each other (kiss, cuddle, hold hands every day) and everyday he tells me I'm beautiful/cute/gorgeous. He lets me know I'm loved every day in some way Smile Even if it's something daft like going downstairs to get me a cuppa (although I am nearly 6 months pregnant so he's been extra attentive!).

Original poster
MummyKyte78 · 09/02/2021 17:32

Opia, I'm not so sure that would work as when I am doing crafty stuff or read then he has said he doesn't like to interrupt me; which is lovely and considerate but perhaps too much so in my case. I have told him that I'll happily stop for a cuddle etc but it seems that whatever I say it doesn't sink in. Affection just doesn't seem to occur to him anymore 😔

Wanderlust, that's just how we used to be and I miss it so much. He does say that he loves me at least once a day and I believe him to certain extent. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it and it in someways feels like something he's got used to saying, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
LivBa · 09/02/2021 17:40

@MummyKyte78

Juno231, that's exactly what I'd love to have and do but feel that it's all coming from my side. He always used to be like that too. I feel sad to have to keep reminding him that I need the affection (not a clingy need though)
@MummyKyte78 As a previous poster said, people have different love languages; it doesn't mean he cares about you any less. Perhaps he's been doing less of it because it's not his habitual way of showing love to someone.

Just bring it up with him as something you'd enjoy having more of, in a calm no pressure way when you're both relaxed. Relationships are also two-way - have you spoken to him about what what his love language(s) are and are you just as keen to meet his own love languages as well as yours??

Opia90 · 09/02/2021 18:34

Ah ok fair enough. Have you been spending alot of time together? Or more than usual due to lockdown ? Maybe hes just comfortable and happy enough knowing your close by and it doesnt cross his mind to be affectionate all the time? My dp is out the house 12 hours a day for work so in the evenings we will be very cuddly and affectionate because weve missed each other all day, I find when he has a week or 2 off and were together all day were definitely not as affectionate and hugging all the time. X

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread