Long-term relationships, does affection dwindle?

[MummyKyte78]

When you are in a long-term relationship does the amount of physical touch and affection get less and less? What have people experienced please?
I'm in my early 40s and have been with DP for just over 10 years, which is the first proper long relationship I have had so do not know if dwindling affection etc is to be expected?

Im not sure OP but I think the words are the last thing to leave the relationship. The "love you, love you too" can be said even as the ending draws near.
Simple words are never a good guide.

When someone loves you - you feel loved. Sometimes not in the way you would rather feel loved - but you feel it all the same.

If someone has never been affectionate but has aways taken care of you in other ways it would be natural to be concerned if they stopped doing those things.

I think this is true of affection also. While a long term relationship rarely keeps up the fawning - can't keep hands off - always touching - early stage- you still feel the softness of their lips and the caress of their finger tips. If that goes- then somewhere deep down perhaps you already know - just as surely as if he or she stopped doing those care giving things for you that they used to.

Children can take a lot from romantic relationships-but sometimes that shared endeavour- both enjoying their love of the children - prevents couples from paying attention to each other. The distractions and daily grind can leave a lot less room. But in those short stolen moments- there should be those loving connections. Without them the co-parenting in the same home is a precursor to co-parenting from different

I've always valued physical affection from a partner. It's in their lips and in their finger tips. And I've not always noticed exactly when it goes- perhaps it fades - but by the time you do notice it will have been gone for a while.

@LivBa thank you, I have ordered the love languages book as someone mentioned it to me a few months back but I forgot about it. Tbh he's not the easiest to talk to about serious stuff and sometimes needs things spelling out to him. In general he's a very laid back person and doesn't let much worry him. If we ever talk about our relationship etc then he tends to make light of things and just says that he's happy with us and the way I am. He always tells me that if he didn't want to be here then he wouldn't be.
@Opia90 I don't think that the lockdowns have affected us because I started to notice this a couple of years ago. It's been the same even while he was working. This was why I wondered if it was normal in a long-term relationship. I have been mulling it over for a few months and finally plucked up the courage to post on MN x

@Seadad thank you for taking the time to comment 🙂 Saying I love you has been something that we've always said to each other most days and I guess that the things that he does do for our family are his way of showing his love for us and I do very much appreciate what he does do for us. It's just the fact that he used to be so much more affectionate with me even after the 'fawning' dwindled out (which I'm fine with) that has me confused. I'm a very tactile, affectionate person in a relationship and having barely any physical contact with my partner is very alien to me. I don't understand why it's dwindled so much

@Opia90 I'm so sorry I know it might sound as though I'm deliberately throwing everything you say or suggest back at you but I promise I'm not

Oh @MummyKyte78 there are so-many reasons. Ots like when tbe sex dwindles - there are so many layers to unwrap when looking at why and what cN be done.
You really aren't throwing anything back- if it wasn't clear in my post - I believe you- and it can feel crushing.

So for me the headline reasons might be different for men and for women- but number one is low level resentment. This could be unwrapped further ofcourse - could be life decisions he compromised to you on and feels regret, lack of sex, money or work life balance.
Is it possible he's involved with another woman (could be emotional not just physical) - or does he feel disconnected in other ways?
Is there tenderness between you, do you laugh, have fun together, talk and share your emotional life or is that only with and about children?
The problem is you don't want to just say 'I want more affection from you ' as then it feels forced. So maybe try and talk around the things that will make you feel more connected?

Sorry about typos!

No it's fine honestly! I'm sorry I havnt been very helpful. X

Have you read the love languages book by someone chapman... Gary chapman I think. It was really useful in understanding the different types of things DH and I respond to. I’m more of a physical person, whereas he responds to me spending time with him just watching something/paying attention to things he’s interested in.
There’s a good test online and it’s fun little quiz you can do together one evening.

@Opia90 that's ok, thank you so much for taking the time to post and that

@WobbliHead3000 thank you, I have ordered the book and can't wait to read it. Hopefully it will help me understand a bit more

My parents held hands, kissed and much to my prude embarrassment had a pretty active sex life (mum complained to me that his heart meds were slowing him down while I almost shouted TMI) pretty much right until my father suddenly got very ill and then passed away. It was lovely to see their ongoing affection and given me a great blueprint for a happy relationship. I did initially have a couple of abusive duds, possibly because I was so blissfully unaware of red flags but almost a decade in, DH and I still kiss and snuggle daily but then we are very similar in terms of how much we like physical contact. Some people show their affection in different ways though. In my case, the key to the ongoing warm affection with DH is that we both laugh a lot together, which seems to create intimacy. My father used to say that the Inuits called making love 'laughing together', personally I reckon that could lead to some serious misunderstanding...