Anyone managing an amicable co-parenting situation?

[Daffodil15]

In need of objective advice please!

Husband and I have been together for 14 years. Our girls are 3 and 7. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I no longer feel anything for him except resentment.

Like many on here, I do the lion's share of childcare and domestic stuff, as well as working full time (I'm a freelancer). During COVID I have had to work around homeschooling, which means working early in the morning and late into the evening, while balancing calls and meetings throughout the day with the needs of the kids.

Husband has not even attempted to help, even when asked. He won't even print out worksheets or keep an eye on them while I run a meeting. He has always been an incredibly selfish person and lockdown has really exacerbated it (he usually works away during the week). He doesn't appear to care about me and is singularly focused on his own activities. He rarely interacts with the kids and only ever spends time with them on his own terms. This has been the same since they were born.

I know he's not going to change and I'm convinced that I would be better off alone, but I am worried about the impact on the children. They are still very young and I don't want to be the one responsible for disrupting their (currently pretty easy) life. My relationship with my husband is pretty much over, but I'd be interested in hearing any tips from anyone who has managed to have an amicable divorce and is successfully co-parenting.

Thanks in advance!

I agree with @ohalrightthen my ex never pulled his weight and left everything to me. It is the same now we have separated. He has them every other Saturday for one night and nothing more.
Doesn't offer to help with home schooling, I honestly think he thinks it isn't his responsibility. Plus left me for OW so he is busy.What has changed is that I am not as exhausted as I was. True I am a single parent doing it all alone. But not having the constant disappointment of expectancy and being let down every day or moment is brilliant. I find now looking back I was constantly annoyed that he wasn't helping. With him gone I have to do it all still, but I know where I stand and I am no where near as stressed or knackered. Mine are 7 and 11 now.
Me and ex get on fine now that I don't ask him to do more than he wants to. Its sad for the kids and utterly unfair that I have to take the burden but it is what it is. I am much happier now.

Thanks @Apricot10. It's funny. Husband has worked away in the week for most of the time we've been together (and definitely since we've been parents). He's been fully WFH for the past year thanks to lockdown and I've realised that I much prefer it when he's not here.

I would love to understand why and how our society makes it ok for men to be lousy parents. They have the option of just checking out of parenting and don't even seem to be judged. Can you imagine if women did that?

@Daffodil15 I ask myself this all the time. The bar for men is set so low it is awful. If I had left my husband for another man and only saw my kids twice a month I would be absolutely dragged for it and he would be hailed as the hero for stepping up for his kids.
It is just normalised it is very unfair OP.

We are amicable but it did mean letting some things I could have fought about, go.

Like PPs I have found I still do all the work, but am not resentful or disappointed or overwhelmed by carrying another adult, who used to just wander around asking “where i’d put his socks” which takes allll the mental load off. I’m lonely as hell but still on balance so much happier.

My kids were 2 and 5 when we split and we didnt use word “split”, we just explained that all families are different and we are best friends not true loves but that we did love each other like they loved their friends. We keep the children in one house (the scandinavian Nest model) so they have one secure home and no confusion. This works for everyone but me- I dont have as much privacy and he’s still here three times a week!

The eldest I think has found daddy not permanently living there really tricky- she’s quite sensitive and sometimes I worry about her seeming sad. But her dad is reliable and loving and we are kind to each other and kind to her. Thats all we can do.
They are now 5 and 8 and the 5 year old has also the last few weeks started being sad sometimes when daddy leaves after bedtime stories- but I think thats because we spent lockdown together so as not to risk bringing covid in, and so we’d have support in home schooling- and then I got covid so daddy stayed to help and they got used to it (a mistake- it set unrealistic expectations I felt like I couldnt breathe the whole time he was in the house- and not due to Coronavirus!! :))
He has a girlfriend of a year, I date occasionally- we keep these friendships away from the children so we dont confuse them about who is family and who is pseudo-family, or make them worry that the family will be ruptured. I guess we’ll deal with any serious relationship when it comes.

We are both immensely proud of our friendship and have genuine affection to each other- but I have to say- all kudos to my ex there because he was heartbroken about the split/losing his mealticket/cleaner- and has swallowed all of that and been really kind and grownup. And I have swallowed all my frustration about him being able to swan in and just play games and be fun, like a disney dad - and made sure we go all out for his birthday and while I have put my foot down about him cleaning up after their games etc I have accepted I pay for and cook all the meals etc. He pays maintenance but its no where near what things cost. But The fight was not worth the animosity or indeed, the strain on his finances given he now has to rent.

I have a very good co-parenting relationship with DD’s dad, with whom I split when she was 5 (she is 8 now). I always say to everyone, including him, he was a crap husband (serial cheat) but is a great father. Due to the nature of my work he has her most of the time at the moment which is difficult (we used to be 50/50). She found it hard when we first split, but is extremely happy and well adjusted now. The one thing I would say is that it did kind of make her grow up a bit faster - she has a lot of emotional maturity and insight for a child her age. Which is both a positive and a negative, if you see what I mean?

Exh and I split when the dc were 5 and 7, now nearly 7 and 9. I ended it as just felt I was disappearing. He was a pretty equal parent before in terms of heavy lifting, although I did and still do all the emotional work wrt discipline etc. They've coped as well as they could I think. I moved out and now we've sold the family home and both got new places. We coparent 50 50 and it's as settled as it can be for the kids. Of course they'd rather have one home, but that's because they don't want to have to miss the other parent when they're not there. Not because they struggle with two physical houses. Both dc have gone through periods of unsettled behaviour, but it's not always easy to know why and it is easy to assume it's the split causing it.

I've done a lot of reflection on the split and it was definitely the right thing to do, but I just wish I could have had children with a man I would stay with, if that makes sense. I can understand feeling that you're putting your needs above those of your dc, but you also don't want them to see a poor template of marriage - which they will likely replicate. And your needs are important. Showing your dc that it's okay to say your needs are as important as others is a really positive model I feel. Good luck whatever you decide

All worked out really well for us. DP split from his wife and got with me just a few months after and she also met someone new very soon afterwards. All was fine with DP's child. She loves having 2 families and gets spoilt by mine. I think separations can overemphasize the bad effect on kids when actually, DP's DD is happier than ever and has been since we got together. We have always made sure she is OK and happy.
So OP. It can work out for the best. DP and I have a cordial relationship with his ex. We will never be best friends but it's getting easier as time goes on.

Thanks all for your excellent advice! This has really helped me feel that a) I'm not alone and b) there are options out there.

@ladamanera - I really love the idea of keeping the kids in one place and the adults moving in and out. I've heard of this before and I'm going to look into it. We are very lucky in that I think we could afford to rent another smaller place nearby and my parents are also not far away so I could have an escape route. We also have multiple animals to factor in.

Right now I cannot even imagine wanting to be in another relationship, I would happily be single forever (!) but I'm sure that husband would be on the lookout for another cook/cleaner/housekeeper/sock-finder... So I think we would need to get some ground rules straight there.

@Misty9 - your comment about a poor template of a marriage really hit home. It's so true. My parents had (and still have) an excellent marriage and I grew up with my mum and dad both taking an equal share in caring for us and working. Possibly why I'm so disappointed that this is not the case in my marriage. I think I just naively assumed that this is how things would be. Worth noting that for my in-laws, MIL does everything, FIL - absolutely nothing. It's not hard to see history repeating itself.

And your needs are important. Showing your dc that it's okay to say your needs are as important as others is a really positive model I feel.

@Misty9 I would say it's important to say your needs are as important as others. Not less, but also not more. This is something I still struggle with, with my own divorce. I was the one who initiated it, but it was because the "needs" my ex insisted on meant everyone else suffered. But that was her argument: "my needs are important - and any suggestion I should take your needs into consideration is emotional blackmail".

Tracey Shorn says good relationships are built on reciprocity. And I truly believe that. I don't blame anyone who doesn't have that - and no hope that it will change - ending a relationship. I think its a positive thing to do.

However, it seems sometimes that there are also many people who use "their needs" as an argument to push the balance in a relationship in their favour, or use people as commodoties to chop and change like handbags going in and out of fashion. I'm not sure that's a good role model for anything other than becoming a selfish person.

Sorry, "I would agree with you, when you say it's important to say your needs are as* important as others."

It took a while and a lot of discussion but my DH is managing a very amicable situation with my 6 year old DSD. His EXW and I get along great and her new partner is lovely.

“I guess I worry that taking this decision is very selfish - I'm putting how I feel above them. I'm just not sure if I can face keeping my head down and waiting for 10-15 years until they are grown.”

Not RTFT but please remember your feelings are important too and it benefits no child when one or both parents makes martyrs of themselves. Far better to model a sensible, amicable co-parenting arrangement than a miserable marriage with both parties grimly sticking at it when everyone would be happier if they parted. Indeed far better to model being an independent and fulfilled single parent than modelling a miserable marriage and putting children through the stress of growing up in that kind of environment.

FWIW some of the most functional families I know involve separated but amicably and responsibly co-parenting parents and some of the most sorted people I know grew up in that situation.